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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH to nap during the day?

182 replies

3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 16:38

Example today: DH had to work today between 11 and 3. He had to take photographs at a conference. He is a part time photographer.

I have been looking after two very hyperactive twin boys (3) since 6am. (After a week of working full time)

And he comes home and falls asleep on the sofa. Says "come on 3birdz I have been work all day, just gonna have a power nap for an hour or so". So I'm still solo parenting then .

He naps a lot. Maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Never for longer than an hour
He says I'm being v mean to say that's not OK.

Am I?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/07/2023 18:15

So he works part-time, does dinner, gym 3 times a week, with 3 or 4 naps a week and you work full-time and left to crack on.

You have one selfish lazy waster on your hands.

Whats the point of him?

Stressedafff · 01/07/2023 18:16

You’re not being unreasonable. My ex used to do this. Sleep until lunchtime every weekend then fuck off for 2-3 hours in the day whilst I ran round like a scullery. The standard for these men is literally in the gutter

Undisclosedlocation · 01/07/2023 18:16

I couldn’t respect someone who was such a selfish arse, quite frankly.

The naps are a symptom of the larger issues here really, aren’t they?

sandyhappypeople · 01/07/2023 18:16

bellac11 · 01/07/2023 17:20

I dont know how anyone would only sleep for 20 mins?

I do! I could never sleep in the day prior to having my DD (who’s now 2) if I did I felt more sleepy, but because of working till early hours and getting up at 7/8 with her, I don’t think I’m getting enough (6-7 hours), so in the afternoon when I have a sit down I nod off and wake up 10-20 minutes later feeling so much better!

Quiverer · 01/07/2023 18:17

3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 16:45

Not really. The kids are in nursery full time. He does photography part time and then other bits and pieces. He wants to be full time just not always lots of work. He does do cooking dinner, but never cleans or does admin.

But I just feel resentment seeing him sprawled out on the sofa. I'd rather he went upstairs. I just hate looking after the boys and tidying up round him

If that were my DH sprawled on the sofa, I'd be encouraging the kids to play in there and have a lovely game of climbing on Daddy.

lechatnoir · 01/07/2023 18:19

billy1966 · 01/07/2023 18:15

So he works part-time, does dinner, gym 3 times a week, with 3 or 4 naps a week and you work full-time and left to crack on.

You have one selfish lazy waster on your hands.

Whats the point of him?

This with bells on.

Quiverer · 01/07/2023 18:20

3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 16:54

@Doggymummar do you have twin toddlers? Or small children? A 2 hour nap seems like a luxury to me. Lovely if you can get it...

If I bugger off for an hour when he wakes up he will crack on and look after the kids but he'll definitely make some shitty comment about being petty or "transactional" as he puts it.

Ask him why the fuck you shouldn't be transactional. It's just basic fairness.

GeriatricMumma · 01/07/2023 18:22

I hate napping. Makes me feel physically sick.

Before we had DS, my DH used to nap in the day (on non working days).

Can you see if he needs a blood test? Might be a deficiency

MortgageConundrum · 01/07/2023 18:24

I sympathise OP, I live with a napper. Every day. I get home from work and he’ll have been in bed for two hours. I went to work today at 8.15 and he was still in bed. I got home at 5.30 and he was still in bed. 😡

JennyForeigner · 01/07/2023 18:24

Goes to bed *later

jolaylasofia · 01/07/2023 18:25

3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 16:57

@SeeingSpots he is in his early 40s and in good health. Goes gym 3 times a week. His dad naps all the time too. He says it's perfectly normal. My DM and DF would never dream of napping during the day so it's unusual to me.

My hubby does but he works full time. i never nap in the day, whenever ds is asleep i have to get on top of things

Nowthenhere · 01/07/2023 18:27

Responses are all fixating on the activity he is choosing over parenting and team work.

Whether he's bike riding, sitting on the loo for an hour each time he comes home or napping, the reality is:

You've been solo parenting from 06:00-15:00. I am unsure if your two children sleep in that time (doubtful given their age) and this requires constantly being alert, entertaining and snacks.

He's been observing you doing solo parenting until he left for work for a good few hours. He then did the same when he returned.

His actions she he cares very little for your happiness and welfare. He also has little interest for the children he's chosen to father.

I would be drawing up a schedule that fits time in for me. Whether you chose to share the schedule or just walk out each time for said solo appointment is up to you.

Jesseweneedtocook · 01/07/2023 18:28

I don't understand all these people saying naps are unhealthy, abnormal etc. Firstly it's not related to OPs point. Secondly, napping is beneficial and I'd say much more healthy than scrolling through your phone during a downtime period!

In other countries everyone has a nap in the day. They're good for you. I am extremely healthy, run 4 times a week and always have plenty of energy but I love a mid afternoon nap if the opportunity presents itself.

bussteward · 01/07/2023 18:29

Parkandpicnic · 01/07/2023 17:29

Let him have his naps but sounds like you need more of a break too, could you drop down a day a week at work?

So to facilitate his naps and gym time she should compromise her salary and pension? He could just get up with the twins at 6am on Saturday as she does.

Iamnotworthy · 01/07/2023 18:30

Just put the kids in the room where he's on the sofa and put a chair under the door handle while you disappear to the nearest coffee shop for some cake.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/07/2023 18:32

billy1966 · 01/07/2023 18:15

So he works part-time, does dinner, gym 3 times a week, with 3 or 4 naps a week and you work full-time and left to crack on.

You have one selfish lazy waster on your hands.

Whats the point of him?

This. Come on OP. Dont be a bloody doormat. you chose not to stick up for yourself then and point out that your current situation is very unfair you need to lose the resentment and get on with it. You are choosing this.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/07/2023 18:32

IF you choose not to stick up for yourself that should say 🙄

strawberry2017 · 01/07/2023 18:34

He's selfish, he's not considering you and the kids.
Yes he worked, great but I have a 3 + 5 year old and kids are exhausting to. Plus he only works part time, if he's busy napping when is he spending time with his family.
He needs to get his priorities in order and also consider you!

themodiste · 01/07/2023 18:43

Newnamehiwhodis · 01/07/2023 17:12

You’re talking down his job every time you mention it. :( that would make me leave this relationship, tbh.

photography, depending on the type, is so physically hard, it’s unreal. It’s SO hard on the body.

can you compromise? Can he help more with mornings?

Guaranteed solo parenting toddler twins all day is harder on the body!

MysteryBelle · 01/07/2023 18:45

The childcare is ultimately your responsibility as the woman, it is the ingrained attitude for eons, that’s why he thinks he can take a nap anytime and not get up with the children, and why he doesn’t even consider that he has anywhere close to equal responsibility. I remember being up all night with my baby son in a different room and I heard my husband in the morning in the hall, he was on the phone with his mother ‘oh he slept great, through the night’ no, you slept great through the night. I was up all night with the baby while you were sleeping sounding and snoring, I heard you 🙄 I was ready to do violence 😂

MsRosley · 01/07/2023 18:46

Napping is not unreasonable, I guess, if a) you get equal time off to relax in any way you see fit and b) the napper is NOT expecting everyone to tiptoe around them as they sleep. Fuck that.

MysteryBelle · 01/07/2023 18:47

Obviously I do not believe childcare is ultimately the woman’s responsibility, I am saying what the attitude is, I hope that is very clear in my comment!

wavingtreetops · 01/07/2023 18:47

Apparently some people are genetically programmed to need a nap. If they do nap they live 6-7 years longer. It was on the radio the other day. I believe it as I always get incredibly tired in the afternoon and would definitely nap if I could but can’t due to work. I guess I will have to put up with dying prematurely!

bpirockin · 01/07/2023 18:47

I think napping can be quite helpful, but if it's a case of him actually struggling to stay awake then I think I'd look at what he eats. My brother had an issue with nodding off after lunch and it turned out he was eating too many carbs. As for the "transactional" suggestion, while it doesn't sound very nice, they are both your children and as such a shared responsibility, so I'd just ignore it. As for "power naps" I thought they were supposed to be about 20 minutes - LOL.

jannier · 01/07/2023 18:54

3littlebirdz · 01/07/2023 16:54

@Doggymummar do you have twin toddlers? Or small children? A 2 hour nap seems like a luxury to me. Lovely if you can get it...

If I bugger off for an hour when he wakes up he will crack on and look after the kids but he'll definitely make some shitty comment about being petty or "transactional" as he puts it.

to which I'd say....nope just bloody exhausted after being up from 6 am and not stopping is there something wrong with us sharing rest time?