To not want my DH to nap during the day?

[3littlebirdz]

Example today: DH had to work today between 11 and 3. He had to take photographs at a conference. He is a part time photographer.

I have been looking after two very hyperactive twin boys (3) since 6am. (After a week of working full time)

And he comes home and falls asleep on the sofa. Says "come on 3birdz I have been work all day, just gonna have a power nap for an hour or so". So I'm still solo parenting then .

He naps a lot. Maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Never for longer than an hour
He says I'm being v mean to say that's not OK.

Am I?

I don't see a problem with this so long as you can go up for a nap alone when he's awake after an hour or two.

It sounds like he has a lot more leisure time than you.

I'd be pretty annoyed about the nap as well. Presumably he's a relatively young and healthy person- there's no need to be napping during the day.

Naps are a luxury that he probably doesn't have time for at the moment because you both work, have a household to run and have two very demanding toddlers to care for.

If he is lying in on Saturday mornings, you should be lying in on Sunday mornings (or having equal time somewhere to do something for you, I.e. not chores). Calling it "transactional" is manipulative arseholery on his part. It's making sure that both adults have the rest they need; not just one of them being well-rested entirely at the expense of the other.

Likewise, you need to have equal downtime during the week. So if he's spending 3 hours at the gym, you should have 3 hours to do what you like. It might be that you can't spare 6 hours in total to be one adult down because there are too many chores to do. In that case, you both reduce your downtime. He doesn't get 3 hours whilst you just get whatever crumbs (if any) are left.

Any time that you're both not undertaking paid work, you are both responsible for childcare and chores. He doesn't get to just unilaterally decide he's off for a nap and leaving you to do everything else. Parenting is not just your job, it's his job too. Equally as much.

He isn't being a team player and treating you as a partner. He's taking the absolute piss out of you and you need to advocate strongly for yourself. Reset the status quo.

He needs to up his game!! If you are working full time and he's part time (albeit not totally his choice but how it is) he needs to be doing more - sharing basic household tasks between you, not opting out!! You need to book minimum one night off a week for you (preferably away from the house, but basically so it is your time to yourself).
Surprised at the regular napping for a healthy 40 year old but it might just now be a habit or cop out!
If he's only working from 11, there might be traveling but he should be sorting children's breakfast time at the minimum, whilst you have some breathing space!!

Yeah but his camera is really heavy

Hang on - just noticed that he's part time! So the rest of the hours he is at home, is he caring for the kids? If not, he should be doing all the chores and admin while you're at work and the kids are at nursery.

OP, you need to demand equal time to yourself. If there's currently no ability to match his time off, then he needs to have less time to himself doesnt he?

Welcome to life with two preschoolers and a cost of living crisis, DH.

If he accuses you of being 'transactional' you need to immediately correct him and say 'reciprocal'. You have every right to expect reciprocity in a healthy relationship. You are both worthy of rest and leisure. Not just him.

I'm a napper, always thought I was just a bit lazy. Just diagnosed with autoimmune disease of which extreme fatigue is a symptom. Maybe see a Dr if its excessive - there might be more going on.

As he js part time does he do the nursery drop offs and collects and more housework than you?

OP, you ARE being a martyr!
The only reason you have so much to do is that you are taking on his share of the duties too.

plus taking most of the financial load while he pisses around with a part time hobby job. Plus hobbies and naps obviously 🙄

He won’t change unless you force the issue

It’s in the fine print. Always read the T&C.

I think it's natural to nap during the day, but he's not being realistic as a parent and is leaving too much to you. He should go to bed earlier if he's tired.

I did (I always do ) and it🤭 didn't say 20 minutes

Poor bloke. When will women realise how much they go through.

It's not the napping. It's the fact he has a 'free' hour to do what he wants...after already having 5 free hours this morning (6-11) while you were busy with the kids.

Working for 4 hours is hardly knackering and it's much less tiring than looking after 2 3 year old boys.

It sounds like he gets much more time to himself than you do and does much less share of chores than you do. Which is fundamentally unfair

I'm surprised to read he's generally quite healthy, it's absolutely not normal for any one in their 40s to need to nap 3/4 days a week. What would he do if he had a full time job??

I used to work with a man who napped in his car in his lunch hour, five days a week. Plenty of people have a nap - how would you know about it unless you asked them?

Calling it "transactional" is manipulative arseholery on his part. It's making sure that both adults have the rest they need; not just one of them being well-rested entirely at the expense of the other.

This. He seems to think he should get all the rest he needs, whilst you get far too little. Why does he think his well being is so much more important than yours?

Napping isn’t bad as such - I love a nap - but you both should get equal down time and rest.

I have been known to have a lunch time nap when working from home during my lunch break. I also quite like a nap on the weekends when my youngest is watching a film or whatever - my kids are 9 and 14 though!

But with toddlers it does have to be transactional - both parties making sure the other is rested too. I’m a single parent now but one reason I got divorced was that exDH seemed to hog all the spare rest going - early nights, lie ins, naps during the day - I’d turn around and he’d be asleep on the sofa!

I don’t think you’re BU at all @3littlebirdz

As you say, it’s the feeling of teamwork that’s missing.

Between his naps, his gym sessions, his gaming and then working at weekends, it’s hard to see how you get a break or much help.

Out of interest, does he go to bed at a reasonable time? Or does he stay up late gaming?

Can you go off for naps too? When you feel like it? But just go and watch Netflix in bed or go have a bath for an hour

I don’t think either of you are right or wrong, you’ve just obviously got different priorities. Hope you can work some kind of shift system out, perhaps he can take the kids on the Sundays if he’s not working and less tired

I do have down time and mine is less healthy than his! At 9pm almost every evening I drink wine. Bedtime at 7 for kids. Then some household tasks etc and then at 8.30/9 I drink wine until 10 and then go to bed. I'm not some marty superwoman with no vices.

@MeridianB he stays up late gaming one or two nights a week, the rest he sneaks in during the day. But he's not getting too little night time sleep. Our kids sleep through.

What you do in the down time is irrelevant. Do you have as much down time as he has? Does he ever get up with the twins?

God help you.

You are drinking to destress from carry the load.

He's an utter lazy loser.

Be very careful, your health is at serious risk.

It always is when a woman has children with a selfish waster.

I'm so sorry.