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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel anxious and ungrateful that he booked a surprise holiday

179 replies

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 11:49

My maternity cover teaching contract is coming to an end and I've been there since September. No jobs were going at the school and I live in a competitive area so haven't managed to secure a teaching job for September so back on supply. This isn't the end of the world, as I've been on supply in the past and been lucky to have long-terms.

So during the summer holidays, I will have no pay and I'm stressed. DP has a job which can cover us and I have about £4000 in savings but I've been applying for summer jobs/part-time but i haven't managed to find one (I suppose a lot of summer jobs are made for younger people rather than 29 year olds).

So DP has booked a surprise holiday for the 2nd and 3rd week of summer and I acted happy of course but on the inside I feel really anxious and tight-chested about it. I'll have no money for 6 weeks (I do have holiday pay but it'll be £950 spread over 6 weeks) and then I don't know what September will bring.

Yes I can spend my savings but with the mortgage and this holiday, I feel unbelievably anxious :( I've spoken to DP about my anxieties and he just reassures me that all I'll be paying for is half the hotel and food as he's covered the flight and it's a relatively cheap country we're going to in terms of how much things cost.

I cried to myself last night though as I feel like such a failure!! Why couldn't I secure a job for September?? How am I going to keep myself sane over the summer?? Why does it feel everyone else can get a contracted job but me :( and this holiday and emphasised it even more as rather than looking forward to a well-earned break and holiday, I feel just anxious

OP posts:
doorstopper123 · 02/07/2023 18:56

If you don't go away, what will you do instead?

Id swap places in a heartbeat

Angrywife · 02/07/2023 18:59

What an odd way for a marriage to operate 🫤 sharing a bed but not money.

threatmatrix · 02/07/2023 19:01

Surely if you are together and he takes it upon himself to book a holiday then he pays. I’d be running a mile.

EsmeSusanOgg · 02/07/2023 19:04

Bholli · 01/07/2023 11:51

he just reassures me that all I'll be paying for is half the hotel and food

You’re not wrong to feel so upset, I’d also feel angry that he did this unilaterally! He’s not being at all empathic or supportive to your situation, is he? If he wants to go on holiday he needs to pay for the whole thing.

You cannot be expected to pay for food and a hotel you had no say in booking. If he wanted to treat you, that is a very different thing! Just tell him you cannot afford it and he should have checked with you beforehand.

H007 · 02/07/2023 19:54

If he’s booking the holiday he should be paying for it. Otherwise you decide together.

azlazee1 · 02/07/2023 21:14

He really should be paying for the whole holiday. If he expects you to pay you should have been in on the planning. Tell him you aren't willing to spend money considering your current circumstances, and unless he is willing to pay for surprise trip, he can cancel, or go on his own.

MabDresden · 02/07/2023 22:34

I work in the sector and we have recently been appointing people with a 1 August start date so they get paid for the holidays - you might get lucky with a job offer if you take a look!

T1Dmama · 02/07/2023 22:45

Throwncrumbs · 01/07/2023 13:57

Sorry, he’s booked a surprise holiday that you have to pay for, fuck that, this is why on another thread I said ‘thank your lucky stars you’re single’ … twats the lot of them!

This

Surprise surprise I’ve booked us XYZ as a treat….

you owe me £xxx 😂

I’d tell him I can’t afford to go.

Ehupflower · 02/07/2023 23:05

It’s booked, just go and try to enjoy it. Hopefully it’ll be a brilliant holiday and you’ll never forget it! x

pphammer · 03/07/2023 09:48

You're not being unreasonable.

He books you in for surprise expenses?!

OnlyTheMoonWasWatching · 03/07/2023 09:53

I am assuming your DC is his? If so, why on earth are you in this situation? How can you be worrying about money as if it’s just your problem while he feels confident enough to book a holiday?

This is madness.

Either all your money is pooled so you are both in the same boat financially, or you else him, get a set amount of maintenance and live your own life.

I can’t see how the rest of your relationship can possibly be fair and equal and mature when the two of you are bringing up a child but living like this.

OnlyTheMoonWasWatching · 03/07/2023 09:53

*leave him

OnlyTheMoonWasWatching · 03/07/2023 09:56

Apologies OP! I just realised you were on maternity cover, not your own maternity coming to an end 😬

Still, don’t have a DC in this situation

fruitbrewhaha · 03/07/2023 10:08

OP you line together so if the shit hits the fan and you don’t get any work for a while he’ll have to cover you won’t he? Or the rent or mortgage doesn’t get paid. It sounds like an amazing holiday. Just go and enjoy it. You have £4k in the bank and some cash to come to you over the summer. You’d spend more than £400 on a holiday in the uk for sure.

Youll find some work over the break. There are loads of jobs around even if it’s working in a pub.

It sounds like the two of you are committed to each other. Are you planning marriage and a family. If he is a high earner you may as well get used to the idea of him adding more tot the pot than you and sharing family money.

angela99999 · 03/07/2023 10:35

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 12:02

@isthewashingdryyet yes I was thinking of ringing my agency next week and seeing if they do nursery nurse work over the summer as well. Even if it's 2-3 days a week once I'm back, at least it's something!
Not sure if agencies do nurseries over the summer though so I'll have to look into it!

You could see if any of the summer holiday clubs need extra help, as you've already had all the relevant checks. Our local primary often cancels holiday club due to lack of staff.

Butterflycircle · 03/07/2023 10:51

Don’t be daft woman about him paying, let him.

Rarely do people make the exact same money, DH earns far more than me he is in quite a niche well paid role that requires a PhD. The most I have ever earned is 28k. I have two women friends who out earn their partners loads and I can tell you these men have no issue with it.

Travelfan2021 · 03/07/2023 10:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

liveforsummer · 03/07/2023 11:04

It's not unreasonable of him to have booked the holiday if he planned to pay for it but very unreasonable to then expect you to pick up some major costs. I know you say it's a cheaper county but it will add up and you clearly wouldn't have chosen to spend any money on a holiday if you were asked. It was his voice to buy those expensive flights so shouldn't be a reason to expect you then to pay for other parts

SwedishEdith · 03/07/2023 11:12

Do you live together? Because if you do, it's always going to be a shared cost regardless of who actually physically pays for it.

petmad · 03/07/2023 13:30

its not a surprise hes told you about it i would make him fork out for the whole holiday. youre savings are youres to spend how you want. he should have discussed it with you first

SunnyUpNorth · 03/07/2023 14:47

@Jodie123jofie i definitely don’t think you should feel guilty or like a scrounger. It’s not like you asked for the holiday or had a say in it.

Do you like near a town with an active Facebook group? If so I would post on there that you are a qualified teacher, dbs checked etc and have availability for childcare over the summer. There will be families who don’t have childcare cover arranged who im sure would snap you up for some holiday nannying.

LovelyLisa2 · 03/07/2023 16:29

If he has booked it he should pay x

Stacybrown · 03/07/2023 19:02

I’m sorry you’re in this position work wise and are feeling so much pressure. It’s horrible and there is very little that can be said or done to make this better but I’m praying for some positivity for you so you can enjoy the holiday and your summer break.

Mumto2kids86 · 03/07/2023 19:03

isthewashingdryyet · 01/07/2023 12:01

Just been on another thread about childcare in the holidays, can you look at holiday play schemes or nannying or some other form of childcare over the summer holidays. Looks like some parents are desperate for a child care professional over the six weeks holidays

THIS! What a fabulous idea! Holiday clubs are around £25 a day, nursery fees probably double that so you could make a killing!

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2023 19:06

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 11:58

@TheSecretHistoryOfGoldfinchTartt because the flights have cost about £1800 for the two of us. It's honestly stressing me out because money doesn't seem a big thing for him whereas, as a supply, I could be on nothing for the first 2 weeks of September

If you're happy paying half in theory, tell him you can't afford to pay until you're back in work. He shouldn't have booked it as a surprise and then demanded half tho.

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