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Original poster

To feel anxious and ungrateful that he booked a surprise holiday

179 replies

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 11:49

My maternity cover teaching contract is coming to an end and I've been there since September. No jobs were going at the school and I live in a competitive area so haven't managed to secure a teaching job for September so back on supply. This isn't the end of the world, as I've been on supply in the past and been lucky to have long-terms.

So during the summer holidays, I will have no pay and I'm stressed. DP has a job which can cover us and I have about £4000 in savings but I've been applying for summer jobs/part-time but i haven't managed to find one (I suppose a lot of summer jobs are made for younger people rather than 29 year olds).

So DP has booked a surprise holiday for the 2nd and 3rd week of summer and I acted happy of course but on the inside I feel really anxious and tight-chested about it. I'll have no money for 6 weeks (I do have holiday pay but it'll be £950 spread over 6 weeks) and then I don't know what September will bring.

Yes I can spend my savings but with the mortgage and this holiday, I feel unbelievably anxious :( I've spoken to DP about my anxieties and he just reassures me that all I'll be paying for is half the hotel and food as he's covered the flight and it's a relatively cheap country we're going to in terms of how much things cost.

I cried to myself last night though as I feel like such a failure!! Why couldn't I secure a job for September?? How am I going to keep myself sane over the summer?? Why does it feel everyone else can get a contracted job but me :( and this holiday and emphasised it even more as rather than looking forward to a well-earned break and holiday, I feel just anxious

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 01/07/2023 14:23

Well it's not much of a surprise treat holiday because you've been stressed, if you have to be out of pocket which in turn makes you even more stressed!!!
Talk to him. Explain how you're feeling. You'd love to get away with him but you're just worried about money right now.
It's a bit shit to expect you to pay halves when you didn't even get a say in it!!!!

RedToothBrush · 01/07/2023 14:24

For me it's a potential red flag for financially controlling behaviour...

... Right down to you feeling guilty about it.

Treat it as such.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 14:24

There is nothing good about this surprise. He’s forced you into a huge financial commitment you cannot afford. It is entirely selfish.

What sort of a fucking surprise involves demanding you pay half of hotel and food costs for an exotic holiday he wants and that you don’t??

Prick.

garlicandsapphires · 01/07/2023 14:25

Id be so mad about this. It’s so patronising to assume that he knows what you want or what’s best. And will of course expect you to be grateful!!!

WaltzingWaters · 01/07/2023 14:26

I’ve just booked a surprise long weekend away for my partner and I. I have paid for it.
He should have consulted you beforehand if he expects you to pay towards it. It should have been a joint decision. Though I know he was trying to be kind.

Look on local childcare Facebook pages. I’m sure you’ll be able to get some nannying or tutoring work over summer holidays.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/07/2023 14:29

He needs to pay for the hotel. As his income is so much larger, he probably doesn’t get the anxiety.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 01/07/2023 14:30

Urm, if you book it without discussion as a 'suprise', you pay the lot mate!

Including spending money whilst there!

ActDottie · 01/07/2023 14:32

Surely if it’s his surprise he should be paying!

AcrossthePond55 · 01/07/2023 14:33

I assume he knows your financial position so it was a thoughtless thing to do. He should know that you wouldn't even be able to enjoy it knowing that it burned through a chunk of your hard earned savings. If he is unaware of your financial position, remember there is nothing wrong with saying 'I can't afford it'.

So, look him dead in the eye and say "I appreciate the thought. But I simply cannot afford to spend money on a holiday so I will not be able to go". Don't JADE (Justify, Apologize/Argue, Defend, or Explain) your position. It will be up to him to say he'll pay your way as a gift, cancel, go alone, or have a mate go with him.

Whatever you do, don't let him say he'll 'loan' you the money or try to get you to put it on a credit card. That's just 'deferring' an unnecessary expenditure, one that you can't afford. Once you're back to work and in a better position, you can schedule a holiday and you'll have the money to pay for it.

billy1966 · 01/07/2023 14:43

Quartz2208 · 01/07/2023 14:01

I think you just say this isn’t your choice and you do not have the money to pay. It may seem like a small amount to him but to you it is huge and he did not give you a choice

This.

I don't like surprises like this.

Anything that takes away my choice in anything does not work for me.

When it comes to me, my time, I wouldn't ever take kindly to a fait accompli being presented to me, no matter how well meant.

Husband and I wouldn't commit to a drink with friends without double checking with each other!

SlippySarah · 01/07/2023 14:49

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 01/07/2023 12:04

Tell him he booked it he can pay all the costs since money isn't a issue for him.
Why do couples have his and her money? Just put it together in a big pot.

There's loads of reasons I would never have completely joint finances with a partner. I'm sure it's not beyond your imagination why it's a bad idea for a lot of women even in very stable long term relationships. Maybe he's a relatively new DP and they don't even live together yet?

GabriellaMontez · 01/07/2023 14:57

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 13:55

Thanks for all the replies - for some reason I feel even more anxious after posting haha!
Yes he is on a MUCH larger income than me and he is very happy with spending on things more than me i.e. he paid to have our garden all done up.
But I like to pay my way and it makes me feel worse that he's paid for something else again as it adds to my feeling of being a useless person.
I'm not sure if that makes sense but I think if I had a choice I would've chosen maybe a week away in Scotland or somewhere closer to home (but even then Europe holidays can be expensive in the summer) as this is something I could have paid properly towards but this BIG holiday is making me feel like a scrounger

And there it is.

He earns MUCH more. But wants you to pay for half the accommodation.

This isn't a 'surprise' holiday. It's him picking where you go, for how long, how much you spend and trying to spin it as a surprise/treat for you.

Sugargliderwombat · 01/07/2023 15:03

Ahh op I was totally with you when he said he'd booked the flight but not the hotel ! But honestly if you're going to Thailand/ Cambodia/ Vietnam or somewhere in southeast Asia you will honestly be able to eat for peanuts. Its so so so cheap out there.

Onelifeonly · 01/07/2023 15:08

It's not a surprise if you have to pay half, it's an imposition. A paid for holiday however could be a good thing as you sound very stressed and getting away might do you a lot of good - as in you may relax and stop worrying so much - a job will turn up soon enough even if it's just temporary.

Not sure where you are but I'm in the SE and we advertised class teacher jobs at my school twice in recent months - over 50 applications the first time. It wasn't even possible to read all of them in detail so they had to be sorted by criteria first to make it manageable - easy to miss a good one along the way.

rookiemere · 01/07/2023 15:20

It sounds like he booked flights to a destination he wanted to go to. £1800 would have covered flights and lodging to a number of places. Is he genuinely insisting you pay your half of accommodation and food or is that you being proud about it ?
Also surely you can get some job over the summer even if it's not teaching?

SideWonder · 01/07/2023 15:24

He should be paying, ffs.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2023 15:33

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 13:55

Thanks for all the replies - for some reason I feel even more anxious after posting haha!
Yes he is on a MUCH larger income than me and he is very happy with spending on things more than me i.e. he paid to have our garden all done up.
But I like to pay my way and it makes me feel worse that he's paid for something else again as it adds to my feeling of being a useless person.
I'm not sure if that makes sense but I think if I had a choice I would've chosen maybe a week away in Scotland or somewhere closer to home (but even then Europe holidays can be expensive in the summer) as this is something I could have paid properly towards but this BIG holiday is making me feel like a scrounger

Why can't you have a grown up conversation with him about everything?

Finances, holidays, your house, your job, your future?

This sounds like a very unbalanced relationship.

If you're planning on staying together, getting married, having a family, you need all this out there, discussed and agreed on (properly agree on, not you just going along with all of this)

TheCatterall · 01/07/2023 15:34

A surprise holiday is where someone books and covers it all.

a dick holiday is where they surprise you with a holiday at an inconvenient time and expect you to fund part of it out of savings whilst you are financially struggling.

id just say - it’s a lovely idea but unless your financial situation improves you can’t go.

id also refuse any ‘loans’ he offers you so you can go on the holiday as it still leaves you in a tricky finance predicament.

Some people just don’t get this as their financial situation is so different. You need to set your boundaries on this and stick to your guns.

is their no admin/office/call centre temp work in your area if you get desperate?

minipie · 01/07/2023 15:37

You shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about this OP. You should feel furious!

He has no business booking a surprise holiday you’ve had no input on and then expecting you to pay half.

I would be telling him that you can only go if he covers all the cost, as you simply don’t have that money spare at the moment. If he can’t cover it all then can he cancel please and you will look at cheaper breaks.

Gameofmoans81 · 01/07/2023 15:39

Ah come on just spend some savings and have a good time! I’d love it if my partner did that, I could never afford to go somewhere like that if I had to pay flights. And I’m a teacher and have never, ever not had loads of supply work when I’ve wanted it, don’t worry

Wishihadanalgorithm · 01/07/2023 15:44

“Thank you for booking the surprise holiday. Unfortunately, I don’t have any money and need to work. If you want me to go then you will have to pay the full amount. Otherwise, I am staying at home and getting a new job. Sorry, but you really need to ask before making a unilateral decision which affects me.”

Sharwell45 · 01/07/2023 15:52

This isn't a 'surprise' holiday. It's him picking where you go, for how long, how much you spend and trying to spin it as a surprise/treat for you.

This.

He hasn't booked and paid for a surprise holiday, he's booked a flight then expected you to pay costs you can't afford without any consultation or input.

Does he really believe that's what a supportive partner does? I'm struggling to figure out if he's really deluded or if deep down he knows but doesn't give a shit about putting you in this position.

Major red flags around finances and control here op.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/07/2023 15:58

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 11:54

@Bholli it's a country in Asia were going to and the hotels are of course cheaper in terms of economy. So we can get a 5* hotel for £40 but it'll still be for a 2 week holiday £400 probably!

I feel awful being ungrateful as he said he's booked it because he knows how stressed I've been the past 3 months applying for jobs and getting upset when I haven't got the job that he wanted to cheer me up but it seems to have done the opposite :(

If he has booked it "for you" then he should be paying for it. All of it.

It isn't a gift, otherwise - what he is doing is spending your money on your present.

When he knows you have been stressed about finding work, what makes him think that him spending your money is going to make you less stressed?

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/07/2023 16:00

Wishihadanalgorithm · 01/07/2023 15:44

“Thank you for booking the surprise holiday. Unfortunately, I don’t have any money and need to work. If you want me to go then you will have to pay the full amount. Otherwise, I am staying at home and getting a new job. Sorry, but you really need to ask before making a unilateral decision which affects me.”

This.

I'm sorry, but he is an A-hole.

LadyLardy · 01/07/2023 16:03

I would just say to him, "Sorry. I don't have £400 or so going spare, and I can't afford to pay for half the hotel/bills. That's not what I'm spending my money on this summer, when I'm currently out of work and have nothing lined up yet".

As others have said, he's booked a surprise holiday - but not PAID for a surprise holiday. Subsidising some of it is not good enough when you didn't agree to go.

I'd be annoyed. He doesn't get to dictate what you spend your money on.