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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel anxious and ungrateful that he booked a surprise holiday

179 replies

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 11:49

My maternity cover teaching contract is coming to an end and I've been there since September. No jobs were going at the school and I live in a competitive area so haven't managed to secure a teaching job for September so back on supply. This isn't the end of the world, as I've been on supply in the past and been lucky to have long-terms.

So during the summer holidays, I will have no pay and I'm stressed. DP has a job which can cover us and I have about £4000 in savings but I've been applying for summer jobs/part-time but i haven't managed to find one (I suppose a lot of summer jobs are made for younger people rather than 29 year olds).

So DP has booked a surprise holiday for the 2nd and 3rd week of summer and I acted happy of course but on the inside I feel really anxious and tight-chested about it. I'll have no money for 6 weeks (I do have holiday pay but it'll be £950 spread over 6 weeks) and then I don't know what September will bring.

Yes I can spend my savings but with the mortgage and this holiday, I feel unbelievably anxious :( I've spoken to DP about my anxieties and he just reassures me that all I'll be paying for is half the hotel and food as he's covered the flight and it's a relatively cheap country we're going to in terms of how much things cost.

I cried to myself last night though as I feel like such a failure!! Why couldn't I secure a job for September?? How am I going to keep myself sane over the summer?? Why does it feel everyone else can get a contracted job but me :( and this holiday and emphasised it even more as rather than looking forward to a well-earned break and holiday, I feel just anxious

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 01/07/2023 16:04

A holiday without pay is also lost income. Perhaps explain to him what he might feel like if he wasn't earning whilst away..and still had bills to pay.

However I think the job hunting has impacted your self esteem and confidence which is understandable but is it realistic? Are you perhaps being a little too pessimistic about the future and beating yourself up?

Remind yourself, you are an experienced and qualified teacher. A job will be there eventually so maybe the holiday is the down time you need...but can you let yourself enjoy it? If not I would question the benefits of going.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2023 16:08

It's not a wonderful gift if you have to pay for something you wouldn't have agreed to if you'd been given a choice.

As @RedToothBrush says, it's not a gift if you SURPRISE have to pay hundreds towards it.

Ellie450 · 01/07/2023 16:35

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 13:55

Thanks for all the replies - for some reason I feel even more anxious after posting haha!
Yes he is on a MUCH larger income than me and he is very happy with spending on things more than me i.e. he paid to have our garden all done up.
But I like to pay my way and it makes me feel worse that he's paid for something else again as it adds to my feeling of being a useless person.
I'm not sure if that makes sense but I think if I had a choice I would've chosen maybe a week away in Scotland or somewhere closer to home (but even then Europe holidays can be expensive in the summer) as this is something I could have paid properly towards but this BIG holiday is making me feel like a scrounger

So reading this, is he willing to pay for it all but just knows that you always want to pay your way and is trying to offer something he thinks you can afford? If so, just let him pay for the lot and stop being awkward.

If you can’t afford it but he’s happy to cover it then it’s not really an issue. If you’re acting like you have to pay when in reality he would love to treat you but you won’t let him that’s not really a healthy dynamic. Most people would get tired of that.

Not saying that’s for sure what’s going on, but you do seem to have a bit of an odd attitude about money/finances in the relationship. Reading your first posts I thought the two of you lived separately and you were panicking about having enough money to survive on your own. Living together is a much different situation, especially if he makes enough to support the household while you find another job.

AnotherEmma · 01/07/2023 16:36

Ellie450 · 01/07/2023 16:35

So reading this, is he willing to pay for it all but just knows that you always want to pay your way and is trying to offer something he thinks you can afford? If so, just let him pay for the lot and stop being awkward.

If you can’t afford it but he’s happy to cover it then it’s not really an issue. If you’re acting like you have to pay when in reality he would love to treat you but you won’t let him that’s not really a healthy dynamic. Most people would get tired of that.

Not saying that’s for sure what’s going on, but you do seem to have a bit of an odd attitude about money/finances in the relationship. Reading your first posts I thought the two of you lived separately and you were panicking about having enough money to survive on your own. Living together is a much different situation, especially if he makes enough to support the household while you find another job.

Show quote history

Agree with all this.

Mirabai · 01/07/2023 16:49

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 13:55

Thanks for all the replies - for some reason I feel even more anxious after posting haha!
Yes he is on a MUCH larger income than me and he is very happy with spending on things more than me i.e. he paid to have our garden all done up.
But I like to pay my way and it makes me feel worse that he's paid for something else again as it adds to my feeling of being a useless person.
I'm not sure if that makes sense but I think if I had a choice I would've chosen maybe a week away in Scotland or somewhere closer to home (but even then Europe holidays can be expensive in the summer) as this is something I could have paid properly towards but this BIG holiday is making me feel like a scrounger

What is DH’s attitude to money? Does he make you feel like a scrounger by going on about his big well paid job and make passing comments about “gold diggers” or is this entirely your issue?

If he earns so much more I don’t see why he’s charging you for any of the holiday.

What are your financial arrangements? Who do you not have the protection of a marriage contact if you’ve had a kid? Who owns the house? What is your pension provision?

Insisting on paying your way with a higher earner with expensive taste could impact your savings.

FinallyHere · 01/07/2023 16:49

titchy · 01/07/2023 12:00

I'd be pissed off too. 'Surprise - I've just spend £400 of your money for you!'

This. ^

I'd suggest he either covers all the costs that you would not otherwise incur, that would be flights and hotel and you contribute to the cost of food, as you would need to buy food at home anyway.

If he doesn't want to sub you do much, don't go.

I would not allow anyone, even DP, to incur costs which I am expected to pay.

Mirabai · 01/07/2023 16:49

(I meant DP)

FictionalCharacter · 01/07/2023 16:51

titchy · 01/07/2023 12:00

I'd be pissed off too. 'Surprise - I've just spend £400 of your money for you!'

Exactly. Even if the money/job difficulty wasn’t there I’d hate this being sprung on me. I wouldn’t want to have the choice of when and where to go taken from me. But to arrange a “surprise” and then present you with half the bill is not on.

Absolem76 · 01/07/2023 16:55

If it's a suprise holiday and given your employment situation he should pay for it. You are not being unreasonable to feel as you do. It's perfectly understandable.

coconutpie · 01/07/2023 16:56

It is absolutely not OK for your DP to book a surprise holiday and then tell you you'll be paying for part of it. He needs to pay for it and I would be telling him this.

Minniliscious · 01/07/2023 17:10

That’s why I don’t even buy those Buy a Gift vouchers etc ….. anymore as presents. Whenever we got one of those we ended up paying extortionate money for the drinks, sides and service charge!

My SIL bought us a stay at a really expensive hotel one February. February is our broke month but we felt we had to accept (stupid I know). We ended up spending a fortune on food and drinks at the hotel and travel to get there! Ridiculous.

OP if it’s in Asia, you will have an amazing time if that’s any consolation. Everything is dirt cheap and the food is amazing. I know it sucks for you financially right now but it’s a blip that’ll pass. Go and make some amazing memories before the stress of job hunting starts again.

jellyminelli · 01/07/2023 17:13

"I would've chosen maybe a week away in Scotland or somewhere closer to home (but even then Europe holidays can be expensive in the summer) as this is something I could have paid properly towards"

With £400? Doubt it. Just go with it and enjoy it, life is short and it sounds like just the thing after a stressful year. Can you pick up some casual or seasonal work for a couple of weeks to make an extra £400? 8 shifts behind a bar/temping and you've cracked it.

Inertia · 01/07/2023 18:05

Is he usually this controlling?

He’s booked his choice of holiday, his choice of dates so you can’t work, and is demanding hundreds of pounds of your money for hotels and restaurants.

who owns your home?

Angelil · 01/07/2023 20:18

Sign up for Spires. You can tutor for them during the summer. If you have examining experience then MarkMyPapers might take you on as well. I had to freelance for 9 months in 2021 and these were my two primary sources of income. Maybe it could help you over the summer.

To secure a job for September, have you signed up with recruitment agencies? I have a job now but still regularly receive emails from agencies asking if I am available, and when I was actively looking, the phone was ringing off the hook in the 24 hours that followed my signing up and I had a job for September within 48 hours (this was in the May of that year, admittedly, but the school year is not over yet so I think there’s still some hope for you!).

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it all. YANBU to feel anxious. It’s a scary time and I know how tough it can be.

ChrisTrepidation · 01/07/2023 21:11

So he earns a lot more money than you but expects you to pay towards a suprise holiday when you're unemployed?

Sorry but who the fuck does that? If he really cared about your stress he would pay for the whole thing. Sounds like he can well afford it.

How do you normally split finances? I hope it's according to your respective incomes and no 50/50 bullshit?

Ginger1982 · 01/07/2023 21:41

Tell him you're not going and he'll need to cancel it.

Blossomtoes · 01/07/2023 23:42

Ginger1982 · 01/07/2023 21:41

Tell him you're not going and he'll need to cancel it.

That would be stupid. He’s going to have to pay the entire cost. Much more sensible. If I were him and she said she wasn’t going I’d just take a mate.

NomDe · 01/07/2023 23:48

What a cheek! A surprise holiday and you ‘only’ have to sit half the hotel bill? Tell him to sort it himself or not at all. That’s not a ‘surprise holiday’ that you should be grateful for, it’s a fucking liberty.

CafeNervosa · 02/07/2023 00:22

I’m confused. He paid £1800 for flights. Then you say it’s £40 for a 5 star hotel so £400 total? So are you paying £200? Or £400?

£200 or £400 for a two week 5 star holiday when you have £4000k in savings, and his salary as a safety blanket…but probably won’t need to use it because teachers are in demand….. I’d bite his hand off!!

I think you’re pouring your stress about not getting a job into this issue. I think you might be lying in bed stressing whether there was a holiday or not. Do you always find it difficult when things aren’t certain and secure?

CafeNervosa · 02/07/2023 00:23

£4000, not 4000k!

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 02/07/2023 05:34

You need to be assertive OP and start standing up for yourself. You're being way too passive.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/07/2023 18:20

My DH has just done this to me - he booked it on Friday and we leave tomorrow! It’s only a week but I don’t particularly want to go, I have nothing major but bits and bobs that need doing. But it’s a lovely week in France, a treat, so I have to pretend to be pleased. It’s crap. I’d have rather had flowers and perfume!

Juststopamoment · 02/07/2023 18:39

He hasn’t booked you a holiday as a surprise otherwise he would have paid for all of it. He’s booked a holiday because he wanted one and expects you to pay half when he didn’t even consult you!

mandlerparr · 02/07/2023 18:52

If someone has the audacity to book a vacation for another person, they should be paying for everything. he doesn't just get to decide for you that this is how you are going to spend your money. Your limited money. I would tell him, "I can't afford it and can't go."

doorstopper123 · 02/07/2023 18:53

Chill and enjoy!

Sounds like 2 weeks in Asia will be cheaper than 2 weeks in the UK

Teachers are never unemployed for long and enjoy your life whilst you're young and free

I lived my entire 20s in overdraft! You're only
Young once