To feel anxious and ungrateful that he booked a surprise holiday

[Jodie123jofie]

My maternity cover teaching contract is coming to an end and I've been there since September. No jobs were going at the school and I live in a competitive area so haven't managed to secure a teaching job for September so back on supply. This isn't the end of the world, as I've been on supply in the past and been lucky to have long-terms.

So during the summer holidays, I will have no pay and I'm stressed. DP has a job which can cover us and I have about £4000 in savings but I've been applying for summer jobs/part-time but i haven't managed to find one (I suppose a lot of summer jobs are made for younger people rather than 29 year olds).

So DP has booked a surprise holiday for the 2nd and 3rd week of summer and I acted happy of course but on the inside I feel really anxious and tight-chested about it. I'll have no money for 6 weeks (I do have holiday pay but it'll be £950 spread over 6 weeks) and then I don't know what September will bring.

Yes I can spend my savings but with the mortgage and this holiday, I feel unbelievably anxious :( I've spoken to DP about my anxieties and he just reassures me that all I'll be paying for is half the hotel and food as he's covered the flight and it's a relatively cheap country we're going to in terms of how much things cost.

I cried to myself last night though as I feel like such a failure!! Why couldn't I secure a job for September?? How am I going to keep myself sane over the summer?? Why does it feel everyone else can get a contracted job but me :( and this holiday and emphasised it even more as rather than looking forward to a well-earned break and holiday, I feel just anxious

And I'm a teacher, I feel your pain re your job. Some schools take the piss with contracts. The next time you apply for a short term position, tell them you're not interested unless it's a permanent contract, one might made available. Sometimes you need to play hardball.

How about you suggest he pays for the hotel and food for the holiday, and you'll pay him back when you've got a job lined up and feel more comfortable financially? It's a win/win. You get to go on holiday and it won't leave you feeling stressed out financially

I mean this with kindness I think you're spiralling. Yes it's a stressful situation to be in but it's temporary. You will find a job and it will be OK.

Don't take it personally about not securing a job yet, these times happen for most people at some point in their life.

You may aswell try to find the positive in this holiday. It will be a break from reality for a bit, you'll have some great weather, you'll have some tasty food, it will be fun.

You're not answering the questions about how your finances are split and how it all works.

And has he noticed that you're upset?

Please double check your AREN’T getting paid over the summer.

If you worked the summer term, you would normally be paid for July and August.

PS your boyfriend is an arse for not consulting you then asking for money.

If he booked the surprise holiday he should be paying for the whole holiday. I'm sure you will be able to get a few weeks temp work to keep you going. I don't think your financial situation is that bad so try not to worry too much.

I can see why it's a shock, and yes he should have discussed it with you before spending that much money on flights (he's insane to do that!)

But you can do Asia very cheaply once you're there and it's not often that someone will pay for your whole flight there!

I would go, have a great time and then worry about the money when you get back.

I think people are missing the point that it's not just the cost of the holiday, but also the lost opportunity for extra income. If the op can earn £500pw (and to be honest, she'd probably earn more) then even if the DP pays for all the holiday costs, it costs her £1,000, which is significant.

OK, she has normal daily living costs, but say £60 a week for her own food, she's still down a lot. Other bills are fixed so other than a small dip in utility costs while she's away she is going to be worse off.

That's not a surprise, that's a hijacking. Tell him you didn't ask for this holiday and can't afford it. If you can't have a reasonable conversation about this with him, and if he can't see your side, then he's a selfish prick and not a keeper.

YANBU You can't book a surprise and then expect someone to pay for half, even if "only" a cheap hotel and food. You either surprise someone and pay for it all or else you have a discussion in advance. That was a dick move from your husband actually.
Tell him he can pay for it all, otherwise you're not going.

I'm not sure that having someone decide to spend 10% of my savings while unemployed is a lovely surprise.

And yes, many (South-East?) Asian countries are inexpensive but everything costs more on holiday, especially if you're either eating out for every meal or living on packaged sandwiches from convenience stores.

You'll spend much more than 400, I'd be quite happy to sound "ungrateful" in your shoes.

This is like someone taking you for a surprise fancy dinner then making you pay for dessert! Not really a surprise holiday if you have to contribute to the costs!

Hi OP can you do childcare like holiday club during summer holidays?

She could, if her dp hadn't booked to go away for two weeks of the holidays. That's the point.

He's booked a holiday as a "surprise" and is making you pay, was the surprise part you'll be paying?? Do you own a house together? I don't understand what's going on here, surely he just covers things until you are back in work? We just pooled money once we had bought a house and lived together (we were engaged and had a wedding booked, it was beyond gf and bf living together), there's been times where either one of us has been doing higher degree or me on mat leave, it makes no difference it just comes out our money. Booking a holiday and making you pay when you still have separate finances is shitty. Just refuse to go if you can't afford it. What he's done here isn't a nice thing to do.

"I acted happy of course"

OK. So instead of telling your partner how you really felt, you thought it would be a better idea to give him the wrong impression, while telling the entire world on the internet how you really feel.

My advice: tell him that you think this holiday is a bad idea and that you told the all the people on Mumsnet how thoughtless he is.

If he has any sense he'll accept that the relationship is incompatible and destructive, and move on.

This feels as if it may be more about the job than the holiday. You’re feeling down and the holiday has become your focus rather than your uncertain situation.

You will find work in September. Schools need supply. You may find it easier to get a permanent job for Jan - recruiting mid year is notoriously difficult for school. Be positive about the good year you have had

How about putting an offer of childcare on Facebook - I saw one today? I’m sure there will be parents who aren’t yet organised who’d jump at CRB checked care ( again saw one post today asking about summer camps).

And then I’d go on the holiday. Live a little- you have savings and he’s paid for the flights. It’s probably just what you need. I can’t comment on how generous or not he has been because I don’t know his income or how you split expenses. But maybe give him the benefit of the doubt - he’s trying to do a nice thing and has paid for the largest expense.

You’ve worked hard all year and are probably mentally and physically exhausted. Try to reframe this as something you deserve.

@Jodie123jofie Would you be able to do online tutoring? Not sure how much of that goes on through the summer months but it may be worth looking at. There are a few agencies on linked in looking. Good luck.

It's easier said than done, I know, OP but try not to stress out. Don't meet trouble halfway. There will be opportunities for you and you'll be fine. In your situation I'd enjoy the holiday - but have a plan B for temporary work in September if necessary, even if it's not in your chosen field, so you'll not be stressing that you should be job hunting the whole time.

Find a summer school job teaching English. The pay won’t be as good as your usual rate but it’s easy to find a job and they are generally pretty flexible.
Your partner should pay for the hotels or it’s not really a surprise present!

You can't claim to be doing something nice like booking a surprise holiday "for" someone if you then present them with a surprise bill. It's insane. Tell him it can only happen if he pays everything, even if you agree to repay him later when you know what your job situation is.

A surprise should definitely be completely paid for, otherwise it needs to be discussed and you decide together where to go with what you can both afford.

also, is it somewhere you want to go? It sounds to me like he’s using it as a surprise so that it sounds thoughtful but actually he’s just wanting to go there and didn’t want you to say no? This way it’s all booked and it’s harder to get out of.

How is it okay for him to put you in this position? He’s spending your money, not his. You need to stop pretending to be happy and have a grown up conversation .

You deserve your holiday O.P. try not to worry.
Re: work over the Summer I would try some online tutoring, there is a huge need for it. You could advertise yourself, just word of mouth at your current school or join an agency. It would be so easy and you could choose your own year groups so if only comfortable up to a certain age range etc.
Good luck.
A holiday will be good for you to recharge.
I say this as a fellow teacher!