To feel anxious and ungrateful that he booked a surprise holiday

[Jodie123jofie]

My maternity cover teaching contract is coming to an end and I've been there since September. No jobs were going at the school and I live in a competitive area so haven't managed to secure a teaching job for September so back on supply. This isn't the end of the world, as I've been on supply in the past and been lucky to have long-terms.

So during the summer holidays, I will have no pay and I'm stressed. DP has a job which can cover us and I have about £4000 in savings but I've been applying for summer jobs/part-time but i haven't managed to find one (I suppose a lot of summer jobs are made for younger people rather than 29 year olds).

So DP has booked a surprise holiday for the 2nd and 3rd week of summer and I acted happy of course but on the inside I feel really anxious and tight-chested about it. I'll have no money for 6 weeks (I do have holiday pay but it'll be £950 spread over 6 weeks) and then I don't know what September will bring.

Yes I can spend my savings but with the mortgage and this holiday, I feel unbelievably anxious :( I've spoken to DP about my anxieties and he just reassures me that all I'll be paying for is half the hotel and food as he's covered the flight and it's a relatively cheap country we're going to in terms of how much things cost.

I cried to myself last night though as I feel like such a failure!! Why couldn't I secure a job for September?? How am I going to keep myself sane over the summer?? Why does it feel everyone else can get a contracted job but me :( and this holiday and emphasised it even more as rather than looking forward to a well-earned break and holiday, I feel just anxious

Mumsnet warning.

please don’t have children with this man.
Sorry couldn’t resist.
😉😁😁😁

Offer tutoring

I agree with this though! If DP makes unilateral decisions that adversely affect OP and then rather than having a proper conversation about it, OP pretends to be happy whilst secretly panicking, this is a poor environment to bring a (hypothetical) child in to.

It’s not ideal that he organised something unilaterally and didn’t discuss finances with you. But I genuinely think the real issue is the knock to your self confidence over your struggle with job hunting.

I feel for you. DH has been doing lots of short term stuff and looking nonstop too. It’s absolutely not you or a reflection on your abilities or your hire-ability. There are just less and less good quality long term jobs out there nowadays. Seems like lots of companies want to present themselves as good employers too but aren’t in reality.

Your financial position might not be ideal but it isn’t terrible either. And, as you’ve said yourself, you will be able to do supply so you won’t be out of work even though it’s not what you want it the long run. It’s a case of try to be kind to yourself. Try to use the time you are not working to do other activities you enjoy while you have the chance. Try to put your misgivings behind you and enjoy your holiday. (I have a friend in Asia at the mo and it does look really cool and really cheap for food and excursions etc)

Just stay fresh when you come back rested.

Being unemployed is very stressful OP. But you won't be forever. Teacher are leaving in droves, and many will come back in September and throw in the towel or go off sick. I can almost guarantee you won't be sat here in February in the same position.

I'm not surprised you aren't feeling happy. He's spending your money without your permission. He's stealing off you under the guise of being a good guy 😯

On the one hand I would say enjoy your holiday and recharge for September! However I would also say it’s not really a surprise holiday if he is not actually paying for it

I'd be flipping furious oif a "DP" booked me a surprise that was going to cost me money. He doesn't get to choose how I spend my money. Doing it when he knows you won't be working is outrageous. I suspect that's why you feel so anxious about it, the behaviour from him is not OK.

You don’t book a surprise holiday and then ask someone else to fund it , you should only need to be taking spending money . Just tell him that with your current job situation you really can’t afford the holiday .

Also have you looked at tutoring opportunities for the summer .

I would be livid that he’s blown £1800 on flights without discussion and expects you fork out on the “surprise” which involves spending money when you’re short.

All in all a deeply selfish thing to do - booking a holiday he wants that you can’t afford, simply adding to your stress.

Are you taking the baby along?

Huh? He's spent your money without asking?

Just tell him you can't afford it.

What baby? It’s his £1800, why should he discuss it? He’ll probably fund the rest of the trip if OP stops crying and talks to him like a grown up.

Thanks for all the replies - for some reason I feel even more anxious after posting haha!
Yes he is on a MUCH larger income than me and he is very happy with spending on things more than me i.e. he paid to have our garden all done up.
But I like to pay my way and it makes me feel worse that he's paid for something else again as it adds to my feeling of being a useless person.
I'm not sure if that makes sense but I think if I had a choice I would've chosen maybe a week away in Scotland or somewhere closer to home (but even then Europe holidays can be expensive in the summer) as this is something I could have paid properly towards but this BIG holiday is making me feel like a scrounger

Sorry, he’s booked a surprise holiday that you have to pay for, fuck that, this is why on another thread I said ‘thank your lucky stars you’re single’ … twats the lot of them!

But it was booked without your knowledge so why would you feel like a scrounger? It sounds like you keep unnecessarily beating yourself up about stuff.

I think you just say this isn’t your choice and you do not have the money to pay. It may seem like a small amount to him but to you it is huge and he did not give you a choice

Have you been together long OP? Living together by the sounds of it?

Honestly I would just tell him that's great but you can only afford X (if anything) you're not in a position to pay for a 5* holidays right now and if he wants to spring it on you then he will have to suck it up. I know you like to pay your way but he committed you to this not you, I'd have no qualms in telling someone they can be graced with my presence if they can afford me especially when they didn't bloody tell you in the first place! It's not really a surprise if you have to pay is it? If I'm using my money I want some say on how I'm spending it.

Yeah, that's a bit of a shit surprise to give someone when you know they are worried about money/work and thoughtless at best/mean spirited at worst to expect someone to fund their own surprise, that they never chose nor had a say in in terms of budgets etc.

This is not ok.

If you aren't married and have no children it's not ok for him to spend your money like this and then expect you to be happy.

Either he pays for the lot or you say you won't go.

It's disrespectful and leaves you financially vulnerable.

What happens if you split and you don't have a job yet? You need the money.

He needs to understand he's overstepping boundaries. It's not a wonderful gift if you have to pay for something you wouldn't have agreed to if you'd been given a choice.

Don't suck it up, because he will do similar over and over again and not understand why big financial purchases MUST be mutually agreed.

Imagine you marry - what will it be next? Oh I bought a car. Or oh I bought x with our joint money.

Nope and nope.

If you have to pay for a holiday you should get a say in where and when it is. He hasn’t done something nice for you, he’s done something nice for himself! Cheeky bugger.

Tell him you can't afford it and he should either take someone else or cancel it. He's been very selfish and inconsiderate. Framing it as a gift or surprise is quite manipulative. It's not a gift when you're expected to pay. And it isn't a surprise - it's a shock.

Who books a surprise holiday for someone, then expects them to pay towards it? That is massively unfair of him. If he expects you to contribute, he should have discussed with you before booking anything.

@Mirabai the OP has been covering someone else’s maternity leave , there is no baby .

I think you have an unhealthy attitude to money tbh. You are not "useless" or a "scrounger" because you earn less than him! We live in a capitalist society, wage inequality is very real. The fact is that you work hard in a skilled job. If you love each other and live together you are supposed to support each other financially and that usually means the higher earner subsidising the other. It would be ridiculous for one person to go without if the other can easily afford it. I note that you didn't answer my question about how the mortgage and bills are split. Is that because it's 50/50 - do you feel as if you have to pay half even though it leaves you with much less disposable income than him? Or are the bills split more fairly ie proportionate to income - in which case do you feel rubbish about that?

There is some dysfunctional thinking here about money, I'm not sure if it comes from you, or him, or both.

If you ever intend to marry him and/or have children, it should all be treated as joint money anyway.