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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel anxious and ungrateful that he booked a surprise holiday

179 replies

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 11:49

My maternity cover teaching contract is coming to an end and I've been there since September. No jobs were going at the school and I live in a competitive area so haven't managed to secure a teaching job for September so back on supply. This isn't the end of the world, as I've been on supply in the past and been lucky to have long-terms.

So during the summer holidays, I will have no pay and I'm stressed. DP has a job which can cover us and I have about £4000 in savings but I've been applying for summer jobs/part-time but i haven't managed to find one (I suppose a lot of summer jobs are made for younger people rather than 29 year olds).

So DP has booked a surprise holiday for the 2nd and 3rd week of summer and I acted happy of course but on the inside I feel really anxious and tight-chested about it. I'll have no money for 6 weeks (I do have holiday pay but it'll be £950 spread over 6 weeks) and then I don't know what September will bring.

Yes I can spend my savings but with the mortgage and this holiday, I feel unbelievably anxious :( I've spoken to DP about my anxieties and he just reassures me that all I'll be paying for is half the hotel and food as he's covered the flight and it's a relatively cheap country we're going to in terms of how much things cost.

I cried to myself last night though as I feel like such a failure!! Why couldn't I secure a job for September?? How am I going to keep myself sane over the summer?? Why does it feel everyone else can get a contracted job but me :( and this holiday and emphasised it even more as rather than looking forward to a well-earned break and holiday, I feel just anxious

OP posts:
honeylulu · 01/07/2023 12:21

It's a shit surprise since he's decided it involves you spending nearly half your entire summer income on accommodation plus restaurant meals on top! It would be different if he had surprised you with a whole paid package with just food/spending money to contribute to, or if you had discussed and agreed. Effectively he's decided how you are going to spend your money without giving you any say!

I'd be saying bluntly that I can't come as it's just not viable, unless he also covers the accommodation though you will go halves on meals. You've said the money isn't a big deal for him so he can stump up!

I don't usually think a lower earner should feel entitled to be subsidised unless they are a family but he's forced the issue with his thoughtless "surprise" so in the circumstances I think it's fair enough!

as for summer work can you look at temporary nannying or tutoring?

TheSecretHistoryOfGoldfinchTartt · 01/07/2023 12:22

So he is expecting you subsidize a holiday he wants to go on and you were not consulted about. This is not a nice surprise.

PrueRamsay · 01/07/2023 12:25

You need to tell him.

He hasn’t booked you a surprise holiday if he expects you to pay for the hotel.

honeylulu · 01/07/2023 12:25

Oh and I also meant to say that when I go on holiday I want a say in where we are going, when and where we will stay. I would not want a surprise I hadn't been consulted about.

ZickZack · 01/07/2023 12:26

He's basically spent your money without asking you in a difficult financial time for you. That's not on, op. Say no. Or tell him he has to pay for it all.

Ejismyf · 01/07/2023 12:31

You can't book someone a surprise holiday and tell them they have to pay half. What the hell was he thinking. Id be raging too. Does he often rail road you in to things without asking your opinion or wants?

MammaTo · 01/07/2023 12:35

A surprise holiday is a surprise where everything’s booked and paid for. I wouldn’t dream of booking something and expecting someone to pay just off the cuff.

Bluebells1970 · 01/07/2023 12:35

He's not being thoughtful, he's actually being very selfish and dressing it up for you as some sort of amazing gift.

Is he like this in other ways?

Yunner · 01/07/2023 12:36

I get that the hotel is an extra cost, but food for that period of time really isn't. With £4000 savings, you were going to eat.

JMSA · 01/07/2023 12:36

I was prepared to say you were being wholly unreasonable IF he were paying for it all!
As it stands though YANBU, because his offer isn't strings attached and comes with the weight of pressure.
My advice would be to go and enjoy it as best you can. Life's too short for constant worry and sadness.
Another job will come up. Good luck Flowers

GabriellaMontez · 01/07/2023 12:38

Well he's very generous with your money isn't he?

What is the context to this? Does he earn more? How do you split bills? Did you discuss a 2 week trip or has this come out of the blue?

NeedToChangeName · 01/07/2023 12:38

I wouldn't be happy at all

Remember, you don't have to go. You weren't consulted about this. Perhaps he could amend the flight and go with a friend

In this financial climate, with no work in September, and a mortgage, and £4,000 savings, I wouldn't be going on holiday, sorry

GabriellaMontez · 01/07/2023 12:40

He should just pay for the hotel. Its not fair to add this financial burden.

Food/expenses you would have paid here anyway.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 01/07/2023 12:40

batmansbike · 01/07/2023 12:00

You can't book someone a surprise holiday and then expect them give you half the money! No wonder you feel anxious.

This

TimesRwo · 01/07/2023 12:42

It’s not really a surprise holiday if you’re paying for it.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2023 12:42

Jodie123jofie · 01/07/2023 11:54

@Bholli it's a country in Asia were going to and the hotels are of course cheaper in terms of economy. So we can get a 5* hotel for £40 but it'll still be for a 2 week holiday £400 probably!

I feel awful being ungrateful as he said he's booked it because he knows how stressed I've been the past 3 months applying for jobs and getting upset when I haven't got the job that he wanted to cheer me up but it seems to have done the opposite :(

Then why isn't he paying for all of it?

How dare he spend your money for you when you're worried about work!

He's booked it because he wants to go, not for you.

Vitriolinsanity · 01/07/2023 12:43

I book supply teachers in our Trust. I don't know what/who you teach but I have a bank of QTS with DBS on the update service that I book directly, after the HT has seen you teach. We get to know you personally, which makes you a very valuable resource because you "know" the school, and this has segued into permanent posts for several as they have the edge when a vacancy comes up.

Why don't you approach the Business managers of a few local schools to see if they do similar. It's saving my budget ££££ because I pay you 1/195 of your salary, but no agency cost. You invoice and sort your tax/pension etc.

CantFindTheBeat · 01/07/2023 12:44

What's the rest of your financial situation with DP like, OP?

It seems very unfair for him to spring this on you. A holiday is usually something to discuss between all who are going.

Xrays · 01/07/2023 12:46

Eh? Do you live together and share bills etc together? You should both have the same spending money as a starting point after all income is pooled. What else is going on here financially? Seems a mess.

JudgeAnderson · 01/07/2023 12:46

If he's booked a suprise holiday he should be covering all the costs otherwise he's just deciding how you spend your money.

FurryPelmet · 01/07/2023 12:46

YANBU. He can’t book a holiday on your behalf and expect you to pay any of the costs without discussion. That’s not a ‘surprise’ - that’s putting you in a difficult financial position because of a complete lack of thought due to his wish to have a holiday himself. He’s making you pay for a holiday that’s beyond your means which you didn’t even get to choose. I’d tell him to either pay for it all or cancel it.

A surprise trip is one where the surpriser pays and knows that the dates (and ideally the place) suit the person being surprised. Anything else is just a bit stupid.

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 12:50

So you’re out of work and having to dip into your savings but your husband has booked a surprise holiday and is expecting you to cover half of most of it?
what sort of man is he?? How unattractive

Hayliebells · 01/07/2023 12:50

TheSecretHistoryOfGoldfinchTartt · 01/07/2023 12:22

So he is expecting you subsidize a holiday he wants to go on and you were not consulted about. This is not a nice surprise.

Indeed, is he often this selfish? I'd tell him that he's going to need to take a friend, as you can't afford it. I wouldn't feel bad about telling him that, and if he get's the hump rather than apologising or offering to pay for the accomodation, he's not a keeper.

RoseMartha · 01/07/2023 12:51

A surprise holiday would surely be him paying for the flight and accommodation and you pay half for food and your spending money, knowing that your income is reduced / non existent.

SunnyCoco · 01/07/2023 12:52

In terms of work, literally everywhere I know is absolutely crying out for teachers, supply teachers, TAs, nursery nurses, play scheme workers, holiday club staff, nannying, tutoring, etc so please don't give up hope on that front.

Have a look at holiday clubs in your area, where I am they are desperate for staff. Best of luck x

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