to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

@Fiddlesticks82 happily married but I don’t like my job. I feel all prospects are over for me in that regard too.

I think the issue isn't your friend and what she has or doesn't have.

The issue is you being overwhelmed and having too much on your plate.

Maybe you need to step back from your friend if it's genuinely impacting your MH. But I think your energy really needs to go into working on what you can change to make your life easier, rather than fruitlessly resenting your friend who has nothing to do with your workload.

Why is your DH working til 8? Can you outsource any jobs - cleaner or housekeeper? Would moving closer to family help? Etc etc.

I do say this kindly as I also work when partner is off, so very rarely get child-free time that isn’t at work. And my partner works very long hours every day for the majority of the summer. So very little time off. It’s hard. But even so having a partner is still such a huge support. And I would much rather be rarely baby-free but with a supportive partner than doing it all alone with a couple of spa days each month. I couldn’t even imagine how hard it would be to be left alone right before having a baby.

Both you and your husband work full time and put your kid in nursery and take days of annual leave to get massages etc. you've chosen the life you have with the support of your partner, she was given no choice and the fucking relentless grind of having no support is horrendous. Money doesn't make up for being the only one to have the responsibility for a human being, you're being mean and insensitive.

@Dotcheck i do get all this. I just had a bad morning today. I guess if I had a day off a week I would do all those things on that day? As it stands I can’t remember the last time I had my hair done. DH wouod look after ds but it is always chaotic around work etc or family stuff at weekends. A day in the week that I knew I had to myself would solve all that hassle if that makes sense

Also, if you are really struggling with lack of free time, you need to talk to your dh. I have two dc and we make sure we give each other at least a half day each 'off' at the weekends and we facilitate each other going out and doing things. Yes it takes planning and coordination, but it can be done!

Channel what energy you're channelling into your friend into making positive changes for you. I generally find it's not having something to focus on that makes people unhappy, work out what you want. You're probably going to be working until you're 70, it's never too late to make changes and go in a new direction.

I hate constantly being around someone at all times

So you're clearly unhappy in your marriage and with your life in general.

That's valid.

However, the fact that your friend pays for childcare so she has a guaranteed day to herself is not relevant to your unhappiness.

You could also do this!

Remember, she does this as the other 6 days she has no help or break

"Thinking about" isn't the same as "being 100% responsible for absolutely everything to do with child and life in general".

OP what are you doing right now on MN when you have a little to spare? Use the time you have wisely. Tell DH you are taking an hour to yourself. Go run a bath and put a face mask on. You've bee on for 30 minutes could have had some precious time out. Make the time, you have childcare on hand!

Why don't you get any time to yourself? DH and I both work full time albeit over 4 days each , but we also both work overtime/on call. We both get time to ourselves, have hobbies, gym time etc. I don't understand why you don't.
Surely in the evening if your DH is home you can go for a swim, out for a drink/dinner, even just for a walk or cycle, take a long bath while DH cleans up etc. Your friend can't because the child would be alone and she has to do all the housework herself.
If you don't have enough money work more, it's very unusual for both parents to work part time.

I would have to co ordinate with DH, in advance and around work etc. I guess I am jealous of the consistency my friend has Oh, that's terrible. I suggest you get rid of your husband then you won't have the bother of co-ordinating with him. You'll clearly be so much better off.
Please listen to yourself OP.

People have very poor reading comprehension

This is the most irritating comment on MN and I heartily wish MNHQ would ban it. It's far more "hard of thinking" (another annoying MN phrase) to assume that anyone who disagrees with you must not be able to read properly.

OP, her situation simply is not comparable to yours. If you want to imagine it for a moment, send your DH off to his family or on a holiday for a month. You're not allowed to message him about your child, because you are pretending to be a single mum. You have to do everything for your child yourself, every wake-up, every runny nose, every nappy change, the whole lot. And on top of that, every decision, be it medical, leisure or behavioural, not to mention keeping the household running. Of course you're working throughout all of this, so if your child is unwell you'll have to take time off yourself, every time. To compensate for the strains of solo parenting, you book an extra day's childcare. Most weeks, this is presumably taken up with keeping the house in a somewhat habitable state, but occasionally you have a spa day. You're worried you'll be expected to go back to working full time soon and you're not sure how you'll juggle these responsibilities. In all of this, we haven't mentioned the utter heartbreak and grief of being dumped whilst heavily pregnant.

Now imagine you have a friend who works part-time, as does her partner. She can share everything with her partner, and their setup means that their childcare bills are also reduced significantly. So less mental and financial strain.

This friend then has the temerity to claim that she is really struggling with the fact that she never gets a day to herself, and suggests it is in fact you, a working single mother, who is living the life of Riley.

Make sense now??

I hope your day gets better @intheattics , but your friend has done nothing wrong , it's unfair to compare

1. So you can have a day off with planning.
2. Your friend can afford nursery and you can’t. That’s not her fault.
3. Your friend has family close by. That’s also not her fault.
4. You don’t like your job and your job prospects. Also not her fault.

No matter how tired your friend is or how sick, she has to do it all- at 8 pm your DH comes in. At 8 pm she has to do the chores by herself. Want a cup of tea? Make it yourself. Kid isn’t settling- go sort it out yourself. Feeling unwell- still need to get up and sort the kid out solo and then go to work.

Be careful what you wish for- the grass is not always greener.

You need to stop begrudging your friend and work with your OH to make changes in your lives to give yourselves one free time

So your dh gets in at 8pm. Who covers for your friend in the evenings? Or the weekends? Or in the middle of the night when her child is crying or sick?
Stop looking at your friend and start looking at your own situation and how you can change that

You should have led with this OP. This really isn't about your friend. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Jesus ! Why do people even bother having kids.. All they seem to is whine about them and look forward to palming them off, dread school holidays, etc etc
Honestly what is the point ??

Hey OP, I’ve been a single parent to a toddler and I’ve been parenting whilst in a relationship and a toddler and let me tell you, single parenting is much more chaos than you will understand.

If you need time alone that is on you, but begrudging your single parent friend a day to herself a week is utterly ridiculous. Single parenting is mega tough, you don’t have the emotional support. You have to do EVERYTHING, at night when your child goes to bed you have to sort the washing, the cleaning, the cooking, pack lunch, the life admin, potentially do some work stuff if your job requires. It all falls to you. You are up late sorting things and it’s really hard.

Your friend getting some time to herself isn’t a problem, you not getting time to yourself is the problem and it’s one you and your husband need to fix. And it IS fixable, if you say it isn’t you are putting in barriers. You can have an evening off to go for a spa or a swim or a walk or whatever. You and your DH can take turns. These years are tough but it’s on you to put yourself first because no one is coming to rescue you and it really isn’t your friends fault. Don’t let incorrectly perceived jealousy ruin your friendship.

Do shut up.

I was a single parent of two kids for years. Now I am married with another child and I don't know how I coped before. Your friend has it very hard and you have a husband to share 50% of everything with. I feel for your friend tbh.

You sound spiteful and mean.
I do hope you distance yourself from her for her sake.

Jeeeez you need to look at your relationship and find out why it is you dont get time, your both not even working full time. I have 3 under 2 look after them all daily while hubby works soon as hubby gets home he does things with them and on days off takes them out or I go out or we go out as a family. Not getting at all what your problem is other than something is very wrong in your own household but don't take your crap out on an innocent woman would hate to call you a friend