to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

@BamBamBambi crikey I guess your partner works 5 days a week then so that you don't have to..am I correct? In that case he barely sees his kids. Do you tell him he's letting you raise them for him? What about when they are at school, is that letting teachers raise them? It is it ok after 5 years old for someone else to teach them.. Your smugness is amusing and misplaced.

Well it's definitely not for me 😂
My SiL just got pregnant, the first thing she said to the grandparents was we'll put you down for babysitting.. She's not even showing yet!
What's the point? 😂

Eh ? You and your partner both work part time each and your friend works full time and has no partner and you are digging her up for having one day to herself ?
catch on to yourself .

Just like you would need to coordinate everything with your DH to have a day off, she will have to do the same as well to have a day off surely.

you have the luxury of being able to say to your DH - I need to have a shower take the baby for ten minutes. She can’t even do that!

while I know that being a parent is relentless and hard you are being so unfair to your poor friend - I really hope she doesn’t read this. I would be devestated

Honestly where to begin.

I don’t think you have any concept of the mental and physical load of being truly on your own as a parent, as I am.

Big and small decisions re DC - me

Dealing with everything school related - me

Making/attending appointments - me

All housework - me

Making sure we have enough money to live - me

Mowing the lawn/tip runs/putting bins out - me

DIY around the house - me

Taking them on holidays - me

Watching them open their presents on Xmas/birthdays (as well as buying said presents) - me

etc etc etc

However I do only work 3 days a week so life is easy peasy really 🙄

@HotelWoes hi five! Great post. I do 5 days myself but j think this OP is ridiculous

You need to work out a plan to get some alone time. As others have said, your friend sounds like she is doing an amazing job. Because your friend was going to be parenting solo, a support plan was created to assist, take a leaf out of her book - you need one too. Speak to your family, DH and your friend, say that you’re finding it hard.

OMG she is a single mum!! Do you realise how hard this is? even having a bath or going to a toilet is hard, going shopping, anything!! OK, she managed to get organised so she has some time to herself, but this is so important for a single parent - otherwise you just go mad from tiredness and stress. If your life with your partner is harder than life of a single mum on one income (ok, plus some child support which really not as much as another person's full income) than just dump him and do what she does. I'm sorry, but your grudges are ridiculous.

You'd sooner be alone to bring up a child? You've got no idea.🙄

Not really. You're doing what most of us do/have done, with a partner. Nothing exceptional.

Shes doing it alone.

I've been thinking about your post today OP and have come to the conclusion you'd rather be single like your BF because you think you'd have your freedom back.

I can assure you this would not be the case. You'd certainly get the 'freedom' to make all the decisions on your own though. ALL of them. Day after day after day. Unless your DH is one of those men who can manage to share the load even though you live apart, but the trouble is it sounds like he doesn't do that now so what are the chances? More likely he'll drift like a lot of them (including my ex) seem to do. Think about it: is that what you really want? You think it's hard now but wait until your DC is a teenager. I can assure you that bearing the load on your own at that stage is not great.

Those spa days? Lunches out? Lounging in a bubble bath? The first two: your lovely BF is making the best of her situation by posting the fun stuff. The third: that doesn't happen, she's too busy trying to catch up on life admin. She's hardly going to detail the less ideal days is she?

Wow how many people actually think the friend works full time when the entire premise is she works 4 days and has 1 whole day off with ft childcare as well as the weekends and her own parents who help close by.
So no, she doesn't necessarily have it easier but certainly not definitively harder than op which the vitriolic full of hatred posters say.

Grief, from losing a partner, is a burden, on top of normal life. The worst thing ever.

The OP has one child, both working part time, and can't cope...🙄

God help get if she ever gets a real problem.

Best wishes.💐

Why is it so important for her to acknowledge that it's hard for you too. Parenting is hard for everyone. It's not a competition. Be pleased for her. You get a partner to share the load. She gets one day a week to recover from being a single mum. Why would you be jealous of that?
Friends support each other. You need to address how you feel, this is not her fault and she is not being insensitive.

Have you ever been a single parent?

The friend doesn't have FT childcare at weekends though just on her 1 day off work. The OP could do the same if she chooses to. There are 2 adults 24 hours a day at the weekend in OP's house to take care of the DC I doubt the friend has that. I've been on both sides of that fence and the side of single parenthood is a damn sight harder.

I think op would've got more sympathetic responses had she said she was struggling with parenting and needs a break and seek advice. Rather than you project on her best friend

And the fact that OP almost uses the fact that the absent dad pays child support - like she’s so lucky that he does that!? I mean I’m glad that he does because it’s one less stress for the friend but, come on.

Paying money towards the child is really no replacement for practical, hands on or emotional support from a partner.

Nah - sorry OP you’re being a pretty shitty friend here. I would struggle with a friend like you who is envious of the one day I have alone - mainly because my husband walked out on me… yikes.

She's a single parent with one day a week to herself, no doubt spending a large portion of that catching up on housework, I know I would. There's 2 of you to carry the load and support each other. She's doing it alone with a nasty jealous friend begrudging her a day to herself.

Are you joking ? Perhaps she would love to have a partner around in the mornings/evenings and on weekends to help and have family time and family days out , she’s alone and managing EVERYTHING! I’m a single working parent and I get alone time each week 1/2 nights which yes is lucky but also it’s still bloody hard work , I’m lonely and would love to have that family unit back. I also miss my child so much when they’re gone and feel so sorry for him going back and forth.

It's not a race to the bottom.

Imagine how grating it must be for her when you are having a moan about your life, as all of us do sometimes. She would probably really love a happy supportive relationship and two incomes in the household.

If you want more time to yourself, make it happen.