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AIBU?

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Original poster

to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

348 replies

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:19

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

OP posts:
Fiddlesticks82 · 01/07/2023 10:26

Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue

I mean seriously op. You are something else

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 10:26

Do I not get any support from her simply because I have a DH?!

What support are you looking for?

Conkersinautumn · 01/07/2023 10:26

You can't cope without a day to yourself and you're complaining that she is concerned she can't cope without a day to herself.
Am I reading that wrong?

Seaside3 · 01/07/2023 10:27

I think the key here is to stop comparing. Your lives are different. Work on ways to get a day off yourself, because logically, what other outcomes is there? Do you want your best friend to never have a day off? Doubt it. But you do want time to yourself, so find a way to get it.

takealettermsjones · 01/07/2023 10:27

You need to get several grips. You're sharing the load with a partner. She is on her own, apart from the eight hours a week she has carved out. Good for her. If you can't get a single second of alone time then your DH is the issue, not your friend.

I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own

No you're not. Hth.

Whattodo112222 · 01/07/2023 10:27

In conclusion.

You are MASSIVELY projecting onto your friend.

Original poster
intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:27

NerrSnerr · 01/07/2023 10:25

You are really underestimating how hard it is to do it by yourself (I say this as someone who is married). It's the long nights when they're poorly, not having someone to share the small talk about the kids, having the full responsibility etc.

@NerrSnerr I do get this because I value this a lot with my DH. I am talking about the general day to day, if I could be in a spa twice a month from 9-5 it would be a dream.

OP posts:
Fiddlesticks82 · 01/07/2023 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OutDamnedSpot · 01/07/2023 10:27

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:26

@OutDamnedSpot it’s not that easy to just change my job and my life like that. That’s what my friend doesn’t get. She actually does have the chance to make changes that work for her. I can’t just say to DH actually I am leaving my current job because I want a day to myself. Yes it could probably be achieved but it’s not easy is it?

I didn’t say it was easy. I said you have choices, just like she does. I don’t understand why you think choices are easier for her without a partner than for you with one. Maybe the problem is your relationship rather than your friendship?

Fiddlesticks82 · 01/07/2023 10:28

And to think you’re talking about your BEST FRIEND

WillowintheUK · 01/07/2023 10:28

WillowintheUK · 01/07/2023 10:26

I really don’t know what to suggest here but it’s made me wonder - when did people start finding it so hard to bring up one single child on their own? 🤔

And I’m not meaning your friend here. She appears to be coping admirably.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 10:28

I just don’t think she understands that parenting is also hard in a couple and that many couples, like me, don’t get any time alone. Ever.

This is so offensive.

Single parents, who have no input from their ex, like me & your friend, are never 'off'. If you aren't physically caring for them, you are still responsible & thinking about practicalities, finance etc

Of course you get - or can have, if you choose, time alone. Just organise it.

Fuckthatguy · 01/07/2023 10:29

Christ on a bike, OP get a grip and I agree with others, sort out your relationship issues.

I can’t even begin to get into what is wrong with your thinking. You sound entitled and ungrateful.

Your friend is better off not having someone like you around her.

HTH

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 10:29

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:26

@OutDamnedSpot it’s not that easy to just change my job and my life like that. That’s what my friend doesn’t get. She actually does have the chance to make changes that work for her. I can’t just say to DH actually I am leaving my current job because I want a day to myself. Yes it could probably be achieved but it’s not easy is it?

Why not?

Look for another job, find one, make necessary changes. People do this all the time.

Lacucuracha · 01/07/2023 10:30

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:27

@NerrSnerr I do get this because I value this a lot with my DH. I am talking about the general day to day, if I could be in a spa twice a month from 9-5 it would be a dream.

Show quote history

Sigh. You still don’t get it. She needs that time off (annual leave she has EARNED) because she has no one to share the responsibility with.

You want to have your cake and eat it too. And you begrudge your friend a crumb of the cake.

Gymmum82 · 01/07/2023 10:30

Life is not a competition. Just because someone has it seemingly worse or better than you doesn’t mean you can’t/shouldn’t understand their struggles.

Also you absolutely COULD have a day to yourself if you wanted to. You have a husband. You say I’m going out for the day on x date. You’ll need to watch the baby ok? I’m married. 2 kids. Both me and my husband have a lot of time to ourselves. It’s what makes a good and happy relationship. I suggest you do that as it sounds like you’re struggling to cope

SoupDragon · 01/07/2023 10:30

Make a list of all the things you have to do, all the things your DH has to do and all the things you do together. She has to do all of those alone.

The mental load is exhausting.

Original poster
intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:30

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 10:26

Yup.

I hope you do cut ties with her - for your friend's sake.

Can you even imagine what it was like for her to become a single parent with a newborn?

I'm a single parent & shortly after my H left me with 3 DC, a mother at school said seriously, 'it must be great not having to have the TV to yourself'. Has stuck with me 10 years later.

Show quote history

@EarringsandLipstick I do understand and I was there for her throughout the newborn stage. I am just saying when our kids are almost two it’s obviously a luxury to be in spas and having a day alone each week? That’s all I am saying.

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 01/07/2023 10:30

Sounds like the problem here is you & your DH not organising your time properly so you can both have some space.

Her job around is way harder than yours, she’s a single parent.

You’re jealous, but jealous of what? You have it easier then her but you just need to sort your shit out.

Fuckthatguy · 01/07/2023 10:31

Forgot to add, it’s you who is ‘fucking insensitive’.

Whattodo112222 · 01/07/2023 10:31

I hope your friend isn't on mumsnet op. I'd be so upset if my best friend posted this about me (and I'm a total lone working parent)

greenthumb13 · 01/07/2023 10:31

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:24

I have spent so many hours talking things through with her. I HAVE been a supportive friend.

I just don’t think she understands that parenting is also hard in a couple and that many couples, like me, don’t get any time alone. Ever.

I think this is your main frustration and I don't think you're being unreasonable to want your friend to support you too. Your friend obviously has a hard time but that doesn't mean that you aren't having a hard time too. Friendship is two ways and if she can't support you too then maybe have a little distance.

MindPalace · 01/07/2023 10:32

I can’t comprehend how you can be ‘really cut up’ about this. Your friend has a few hours off but is otherwise ‘on’ the whole time, practically and emotionally. It’s not comparable to having a DH around to share both the physical and mental load all week.

How you could resent anyone for this, let alone a close friend, is beyond me.

Fiddlesticks82 · 01/07/2023 10:32

Op

With every post you come across as more and more unappealing

if we ALL think this based on one thread - I can’t fathom how people in RL regard you

Toomuch2019 · 01/07/2023 10:32

Op you need to get a grip on yourself. There are two of you to look after your children you do not need to be in each other's pockets all the time.

If you want a day off ask your husband, and do the same for him.

Or pay for childcare on a weekend to give her time. This is effectively all your friend is doing.