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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

348 replies

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:19

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/07/2023 10:32

Unless your work days cover the whole week, why don't you ask you partner to have your child for one day at the weekend so you get your chill day twice a month too.

BoogiemanSam · 01/07/2023 10:32

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:26

@OutDamnedSpot it’s not that easy to just change my job and my life like that. That’s what my friend doesn’t get. She actually does have the chance to make changes that work for her. I can’t just say to DH actually I am leaving my current job because I want a day to myself. Yes it could probably be achieved but it’s not easy is it?

No it’s not easy, PP didn’t say it would be easy. But if it’s something you want you work hard for it, you put the graft in. If it means that much to you to have a day to yourself, put the graft in to make it work.

Do you think your pals life is easy? You know those times in the night when the kids are sick and you have 2 pairs of hands to tag team, it’s all her. When she’s had a bad day and just wants a cuddle and a decompress with her person, nope alone. Special holidays all her, her kids asking about daddy etc, all her. The monotony of daily chores and admin and all that stuff you SHARE with your partner… ALL HER. Bloody hell, I wouldn’t trade that just for 1 day off a week.

Kingsparkle · 01/07/2023 10:32

I also think you are vastly underestimating the strain of being the sole person responsible for raising a child, running a house and bringing in the money. I wouldn’t envy your friend have some time to get a mental and physical break from that.

I think you should focus on the positives in your life a little more. However hard you are finding parenting it’s doubly hard for her. Maintenance doesn’t make up for having an involved partner I’m afraid.

Original poster
intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:33

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 10:28

I just don’t think she understands that parenting is also hard in a couple and that many couples, like me, don’t get any time alone. Ever.

This is so offensive.

Single parents, who have no input from their ex, like me & your friend, are never 'off'. If you aren't physically caring for them, you are still responsible & thinking about practicalities, finance etc

Of course you get - or can have, if you choose, time alone. Just organise it.

@EarringsandLipstick just because I have DH doesn’t mean I’m not always thinking about dc!

OP posts:
M340 · 01/07/2023 10:33

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:23

I absolutely understand what happened to her was devastating, I said that in my OP?

Do I not get any support from her simply because I have a DH?!

What support do you expect from her? You're hardly supporting your 'so so close' friend yourself.

You nasty.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/07/2023 10:33

If this is real, you are an idiot.

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 01/07/2023 10:33

There’s some things I don’t discuss with some people and somethings I discuss with others.
either our opinions differ wildly, it’s contentious or I know my complaint is tiny compared to the life they are living.

find a different friend to moan to.

you and your dh have a pretty sweet enviable set up, be thankful you’ve hit the sweet spot

FOJN · 01/07/2023 10:34

Sounds like you have a case of the competitive 'poor me's' She is raising her child alone, if you find it hard when you have a partner imagine what it's like for her.

Her partner left her shortly before the birth BUT BUT BUT that was 17 months ago AND he pays maintenance. Seriously?

You don't seem grateful for anything you have, life must be miserable.

Tina221 · 01/07/2023 10:35

I can’t believe what I am reading. YABU.

Lacucuracha · 01/07/2023 10:35

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:30

@EarringsandLipstick I do understand and I was there for her throughout the newborn stage. I am just saying when our kids are almost two it’s obviously a luxury to be in spas and having a day alone each week? That’s all I am saying.

Show quote history

No, it’s not a luxury.

Sounds like you’re a frenemy who wanted to enjoy seeing a friend struggle. Seeing her take charge of her life and organise herself enough to treat herself now and again must really piss you off.

I hope she’s on to you and keeps you at a distance.

whereaw · 01/07/2023 10:36

I would take a step back, go make a cup of tea and breathe. You're overwhelmed and your focusing on the wrong thing/ person. Your friend has done nothing wrong. She's just living her life the best she can. Go do the same.

Whattodo112222 · 01/07/2023 10:36

A good friend would be pleased she's managed her life in a way she is able to have down time to herself. She deserves it. Notwithstanding how awful it would've been for her to be left with a newborn and a cheating partner. If her moaning irks you so much then just tell her. And by the way, she's ENTITLED to the child maintenance. Him paying it since day one doesn't make him a Saint. It is the legal bare minimum he has to give her.

Seaside3 · 01/07/2023 10:36

I'm not really sure why anyone who has a child expects days off. They're your child, it's your job.

Yes, it's nice to have time off, but really, once you have a child, especially when they're so young, you're a full time parent.

Boomboom22 · 01/07/2023 10:37

Odd responses. She has at least 1 day off a week. Very unusual for lone parents to have that. And family help close by. People have very poor reading comprehension/ empathy and are running with the she's single so it's harder and you have a partner so share etc. No doubt she's financially better off than you but again irrelevant to some posters here as they are too invested in stereotypes to read what you have written.

Original poster
intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:37

Sorry I haven’t meant to offend anyone. I’m just finding parenting very hard and haven’t done anything alone in nearly two years so I guess I find it hard hearing my friend is in spas etc but then needs sympathy too. It’s my issue not hers. Just feeling miserable today.

OP posts:
Dreamer8 · 01/07/2023 10:37

So you're complaining that you have no time and no money, but you both only work part time? You can't only work part time and then complain that life is unfair to you. Both go full time, or 4 days a week, put your child in nursery 1 day a week and boom you have the same set up as your "friend". If you and your DH coordinate things a bit better you could make sure you both have some down time. Your bad planning and choice of working hours IS NOT YOUR FRIENDS FAULT.

YungDumbThrills · 01/07/2023 10:37

I am almost 2 years on from my H walking out on us, myself and DS6, and let me tell you it fucking tough. I do anything to have a day to myself. I work 3 days a week, the other two days are filled with housework, food shop, life admin. It never stops. Luckily I have some amazing family and friends that do an awful lot to help me, BUT it's a constant battle to get alone time to do stuff for me. As a single parent you can't turn off, because no matter where your child is, you may still need to drop everything and go to them. Trust me, you're being totally unreasonable, and I'm glad this person gets to treat herself now and then - And the fact you don't us a YOU problem, not a her problem!

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 10:37

it’s obviously a luxury to be in spas and having a day alone each week?
It might not be my choice or be affordable for me to go to a spa weekly.

However OGS her valid choice.

The other 6 days she is working & looking after a baby on her own. Apart from the physicality of it, there's the emotional loneliness (which is what I found hard).

When my youngest started preschool, I would run each morning for at least 2 hours on the days I wasn't working. Someone might have looked at me & thought 'fine for her, being able to run for ages in the morning'.

In fact, it was my only coping mechanism as the rest of the time I'd my 'brave face' on, trying to cope.

Mintyt · 01/07/2023 10:37

I hear you, your friend has one whole day to themselves, and you would like this too. Your friend takes a day of AL so has 2 days together for herself. But your friend has no Partner to share the load, to get up in the night, to discuss the news with to share sweet things with about the child. You need to have a chat with your friend and tell her how you feel about your life. And how difficult you are finding it and how you would like a day to yourself. Remember the grass is always greener. Don't loose a friendship over this. Speak to her

hardyloveit · 01/07/2023 10:38

You sound very jealous of your friend. If you want time off then take holiday but you will ruin your friendship soon. If you carry on like this

clarepetal · 01/07/2023 10:38

I think it's equally difficult for you both, but for different reasons, in which case she should be as supportive of you as you have been to her.

whereaw · 01/07/2023 10:38

It's human nature to sometimes feel envious and even spiteful of others at times. Don't be hard on yourself. Work out what your issue is and try to manage it. This isn't about her.

veryfluffyfluff · 01/07/2023 10:38

Is this a reverse?

Keepitonthelow · 01/07/2023 10:38

Well that’s the way she’s chosen to organise her time. Some might put their child in nursery and do the housework or watch Netflix but she is choosing a spa day and that’s up to her. I don’t know why you are so jealous. You can’t expect her to feel for you because you have to be chatty when your husband comes home.

curlywurlylover666 · 01/07/2023 10:38

I'm sorry OP that people are saying you aren't nice in thinking this way. A bit harsh when we don't know you!

You do deserve to get support from her even though you have a partner. What kind of support do you want from her?

In the nicest way you sound jealous of her situation. Parenthood isn't a competition and you both will have struggles, which look differently to you both. She carries the burden of finances, childcare, housework, house maintenance, cars, work all on her own every single day. She has no one to fall back on. That in alone is mentally draining. You presumably share this load.

You sound a little unhappy with your set up and this is then focusing on her situation.

I'd step back and ask yourself if you're happy with your life as it is. If it isn't then see how you can change it to be more aligned with how you want it to look. Is a couple of mornings childcare an option to give you a break?

Please don't compare you to her but focus on your own situation to make sure life is as you want it to look.

If you truly no longer want to be remain friends as she offers no support, I'd distanct myself from her so you can protect your own well being.

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