to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

Can you not use your annual leave?

For some perspective I’m just thinking about this morning. I have a 2 yr old who woke us up at 7. I got up and made breakfast, hung out the washing and emptied the dishwasher. DH played with DS, made the beds and dealt with the cat. Then DS has a potty accident so DH cleared that up. After breakfast DH cleared up and I took DS to the toilet and got him dressed etc. DH is now at the shops picking up some bits and I am playing with DS on Mumsnet whilst he makes me toy food.

Your friend would have to be doing all of that by herself.

Anyway 93% of people disagree with you.

It really isn't clear how your friend has been "insensitive" from your posts. She says she'll find it hard working full time as a single parent? Of course she will! She sends you pictures of spas and asks you to join? How dare she?! She thinks you have it easier because you have time with your husband (who, presumably you love) in the evenings, while she's on her own? I think most people would agree (if you don't enjoy spending time with your husband that's another issue). You do sound as though you've picked out some positive aspects of her situation without appreciating the big negatives, which is exactly what you're accusing her of doing. Perhaps you just need to withdraw from the friendship as it sounds as though you've become resentful of her.

Wow. She really really doesn’t need a friend like you.

This is more like it
You are having a hard day
Why not plan that spa day with your friend
Take a days AL , ask DH or extended family to help you for a day , plan and budget ahead , have something to look forward to

Your DC may wish to do the same in time ?

Why don't you leave your ds with your dh for a few hours this weekend and go out on your own? You could do an evening class, weekend hobby. You have another person to talk to and discuss your dc, you also have the option for your dc to have a full sibling in the future, your friend doesn't have these options.

Jesus OP

If you have a drs appointment, or need a haircut - do you have to take your child, or does you partner look after her while you do it?

If one of you is cooking a meal, tidying the house or doing laundry- does the other watch your child? Or do you tag team so you are both keeping her occupied while you get these necessary tasks done?

Do you and your partner each have a lie in at the weekend?

If your child is up in the night, do you and your partner share the load/ let the other lie in a bit more in the morning?

If you are worried about your child, do you discuss it with your partner? Do you discuss parenting decisions and how you will raise her?

Why haven’t you decided to send your child to nursery? Is it because you realised that between the two of you, it was possible for your child to be looked after by her parents ( who seem to have the luxury of flexible jobs) and so avoid high nursery fees?

OP- can you go to the loo or have a shower on your own?
If you are ill, can you go to bed early?

Seriously- YOU are being incredibly selfish, and frankly a bit mean to begrudge your ‘friend’ ONE DAY where she is likely doing chores all day long.

Shame

Well yeah, of course its a luxury. What's wrong enjoying luxury if you can?

This is a problem to take up with your husband. Not project onto your friend.

just because I have DH doesn’t mean I’m not always thinking about dc!

You must be trying to wind us up now OP!

It's not the same - all parents care about their DC, yes. Single parents (without ex involvement) have to bear all the responsibility, alone.

And also, your friend's dreams must have been crushed - she was having a baby, with her husband. Perhaps hoping to have more. Now that's all gone - no lovely family moments together, her future changed.

I can understand the envy when you see her enjoying something you aren't able to. There are probably many things she is envious of in your life: a husband, working less days than her etc. Both of your journeys will have their own struggles, those struggles don't have to be the exact same for you to be able to support each other.

Why don't you take a day of annual leave when your husband is at home and treat yourself to a spa day? It's possible!

I think you're underestimating the difference having a partner has when parenting. Both me and dh work and like you, I spend from when I get up to when dc go to bed either working or looking after dc. I don't get a lunch break even because I go straight from work into childcare.

I have a friend who is a single parent, they have lots of help from family. Objectively you could say she gets more 'free time' than me, but her life is still so much harder. She has no partner at home to share any of the burden when she is looking after her child. So every bath time, every bedtime, every night waking, every morning get up, every packed lunch, every meal, all the cleaning, all the shopping, all the cooking - it's all on her. That's not even accounting for the emotional support a partner gives - she has no one to let off steam with after a hard day, no one to share in the highs and lows of parenting.

I wouldn't swap with her and I think you're crazy for thinking you have it harder.

You're unfairly seeing everything she has through rose tinted glasses, while seeing everything you have in a negative light. You describe how after a full of day you can't just relax - you have to invest in your relationship as if it's such a hardship. Are you telling me, you'd rather be doing it all without your dh? I can tell you that endless nights alone watching TV alone would soon lose their appeal and have you desperately wishing for that companionship again.

Her free time in no way compensates her for the fact she's a single parent.

I kind of get where you’re coming from but also think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

I have a large family, I am home all day with my youngest then I work evenings. I never get time to myself as someone is always with me. There are no grandparents to help and my youngest isn’t in nursery till September.

By comparison, my sister has 2 FT school aged kids, grandparents on tap and works TTO. She has regular spa breaks etc etc etc.

She doesn’t get it. But I don’t care whether she does or not because I run my life how I need to and just crack on. No one will ever “get it” but you just crack on, stop comparing and live your life. It really isn’t worth falling out with a loved friend over.

This is true. Comparison is the thief of joy. Work on your own life.

Sounds more like you are jealous your friend can afford nursery and spa days and good for her.

She has to take on the mental load of parenting alone whereas you share the load.

You are making parenting with one child more difficult than it needs to be.

Make different life choices if your current set up doesn’t work for you.

Then kindly OP, stop comparing your life with hers. Because I bet my left tit she would prefer to have her children’s dad around as a partner than have her weekly spa trip.

What shifts do you both work? There must be a day where you’re both not working. Why can’t your husband take the kids then? Mines took dd to the park then tumble tots to give me the morning off.

I think it's fine to take a step back from a friendship that isn't working for you right now. Whether your feelings are unreasonable or not doesn't really matter imo.

It might be possible for you to pick the friendship up again when your kids start getting free nursery/start school.

👏👏👏

Exactly this.

Parenting is tough. But doing it all with no support his massively tougher.

It really is your issue. You aren't happy with your life (fair enough, having small kids is tough) but somehow you're turning that into jealousy towards a friend who's life is objectively harder than yours even if she does get paid for time on her own once a week.

You’re accusing PP of having no empathy? 😂 have you read the OP?

Op would I be right in thinking you are generally unhappy with your lot in life?

Not happily married?
Dont enjoy your job?
Dont have hobbies or much or a social life?

It completely your issue. You can go to a spa while your DH has your toddler.

A lone parent has a very hard job, you working part time with a DH doesn’t come close, if you insist on viewing it as a poor me competition.

@tennissquare i think it’s just that I it’s not the same as literally planning a day alone. I would have to co ordinate with DH, in advance and around work etc. I guess I am jealous of the consistency my friend has. It’s not just spa days, that was the latest one but it’s meeting other friends for lunch or whatever else and I am just not able to ring fence a day like that to myself.

Sorry I am just having a shit time at the moment and I hate constantly being around someone at all times

@intheattics do you and your DH work 7 days a week? Do you have any family nearby? A friend who could take your LO for a few hours sometimes?