to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

I agree with this completely.

You and your DP could take it in turns to have days off with the other looking after your DC on weekends/ shared days off. You choose not to do that because you prioritise family time. Your friend doesn’t have the option to enjoy family time with a partner, so she has time to take a spa day.

If you would rather have time to go to the spa each month then arrange for your DP to look after your DC instead of having family time and make it a priority. If actually you value family time over doing things for yourself then appreciate that you have a DH with whom to share those precious family time moments with.

Both go back to work full time and compress the hours over 4 days?

I think you need to use your extreme jealousy of her as a mirror to see what’s wrong in your life. There is no reason at all you can’t have time alone. You just need to organise it between you and your husband, if you don’t like your job, start applying for new ones, make plans to do something for you on a weekend or evening when he comes home.

i think your jealousy and unhappiness has made you lose all empathy to understand what it’s like bearing sole responsibility for a child. And that on her days off she will also have cleaning, laundry, life admin. It is not all spas and lunches and I suspect you know that, but your jealousy, misery and focus on yourself has made you slightly irrational.

use this as a wake up call to get yourself sorted, it’s not her fault. And she’s got it hard in different ways.

1 If you are so obsessed with ALONE TIME go to the cinema tonight on your own and leave husband at home. Done.
2 In two weeks’ time say, take a day’s annual leave and go to a damn spa. You don’t have to observe school holidays so take a day off when you want.
3 If she wasn’t your friend, would you magically be able to go to a spa weekly? If not, then stop blaming your weekly timetable on her.
4 I bet a spa is a rare treat for her. Why are you so preoccupied with this? It’s weird.
5 Having a partner to share the mental load about a toddler is priceless.

6 Jealously and victimhood are very very unattractive. Change what you can about your own life and stop projecting it on your poor friend. It’s not her fault you can’t go to a bloody spa.

7 Plenty of us work full time with more than one kid without being unpleasant about single mums who pay for an extra day of nursery. It’s hard at times yes but that’s not the fault of single mums. Get a grip.

Wow ... You have a father for your child. Her child doesn't.

There are two of you to do chores, look after child etc. She is alone having to do all chores and look after her kid through the week and weekend.

The one day that she has off might sound like a luxury, but she's probably does chores then. You know, like washing clothes, dishes, cleaning room, doing food shop ..... all by herself.....

You also have two people's income that she does not have. Probably can't afford to take her kid out, on holiday etc. Like you might be able to do.

You sound so out of touch it's ridiculous.

Could one (or both) of you up your hours to full time so that the child can spend some time at nursery? That gives you a bit more headspace (and before school age means you can take annual leave while they're at nursery and get time off). Do you have days off together? Do either of you work weekends? If you are both off why not take it in turns every few weeks to have a day to yourself?

And, I'm sure if you were desperate for alone time you could get your partner to look after your kid for the day on weekend and you go do what you want! Or just leave him and be single if you think it would be such an easy life!

I just don’t think she understands that parenting is also hard in a couple and that many couples, like me, don’t get any time alone. Ever

This is on you. Take some time at the weekend.

So either you and your dh work every day including weekends and he works till 8pm so neither of you have child/work free time? that is tough and maybe it’s just not working for both of you now? If you have to manage this for another 2(?) years till nursery hours kick in it might be worth working out just how both you and your dh can get sone time totally free for yourselves.

however, I don’t think your friend ibu - she has different issues to you and because you don’t get a day off work/childcare, it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have one either. you have 2 people inputting into your life and your child’s. Also your friend will have to make all the decisions alone. It’s a really hard thing to explain to someone in a couple and I had a lot of “I’m basically a single parent too because… xyz”. I tried to just smile and nod.

It's not her fault you and your DH can't figure out how to give the other person a break. It is relentless parenting on your own and running a household, that doesn't mean balancing work, a child and a home when married isn't hard either, but there's no one to fall back on- no one to do chores around the house, if you're poorly no one to keep an eye on toddler etc. I'd say it's not her situation that's making you feel like this but that you hate your own, if you're going to resent her for that then its fairer to take a step back from the friendship. Honestly it's wild you don't even have time to have your hair done when you have a DH!

Im so glad you aren’t my best friend!

you are in a presumably loving and stable relationship, raising your child with your partner. She has been abandoned and is single handedly raising her child! Having one day off a week as a single parent means having one day to do literally everything you need to do single-handedly. Of course it is much more difficult for her! I’m not even a single parent and I am on her side - how can her own best friend not be?!

I dont know anyone who gets 1 day off a week! Don't be jealous just because your friend is able to do this. Its not the norm.

There is one person who is totally unreasonable, and its not the friend

This can't be real 🤣

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this.
i dont understand how you dont currently have this.

you both work part time. Full time is 5 days so presumably part-time is 4 days. Is this over the weekend too? Do you never have a day off together? Does one of you work mon tue wed thurs and the other fri sat sunday? Then what? I can only see this as being your issue if one of you works 4 and the other as little as three days a week.

What days are you working?
What days is your dh working?

Wow what a friend! You have no idea how hard it is being a single parent. You are responsible for EVERYTHING. Every decision, every night feed, every waking moment....there is no down time, no one to be there if you feel unwell. Nothing. Obviously there are exceptions if you are with a useless partner or whatever or don't have a great relationship of course but assuming the partner isn't a complete arsehole don't underestimate the 2nd pair of ears hands eyes.
Yabvvu
If having one day to herself makes the rest of her week better then good for her. Sort yourself out to make time for yourself.

@intheattics you need to stop focusing on your friend and sit down with your DH to work out how you can both get time alone and a better balance.

I think you are envious of the “me-time” your friend has. Maybe do some maths: how many hours does she have to put in (job, childcare, running a household) before she gets her 8 hours of freedom? She deserves it! And if you want it, you should be looking into how to make it happen for you. She sounds great, she wants to include you in her spa trips!

Oh come on now op, I’ve just realised your child is nearly 2! Book a spa day and tell your husband you will be away all day. This has nothing to do with your friend who sounds like she’s doing a bloody good job to me. You don’t have to be a martyr to motherhood, she has clearly realised that you can’t pour from an empty cup and has used the resources around her to make sure she has time. You need to do this too.

The idea that adults in a 2 parent household with a single child who both work part time cannot carve out a bit of time for themselves is insane. You need to stop complaining and do the work to sort this out.

Your 'friend' parents 100% of the time and works already more hours than you. She has ALL the financial responsibility, ALL the mental responsibility, ALL the emotional responsibility, ALL the physical responsibility and no second parent to discuss any worries about the child at the end of the day either. Your problem is not that you have less time than her but that your relationship with your husband is shite because you should be able to go out and do anything you like and he stays with the kids or vice versa.

Why wouldnt it be? How often do you see women whose husbands work into the evening or away during the week thinking theyre ‘practically a single parent’. Like that is the only problem with being a single parent.

Maybe instead of having a competition of who has things worse talk to your husband about changes that work for you all?

many would argue your in a lucky position to be able to both work part time.

i rarely comment but this has got to be a joke. I believed the first post, the follow up ones just can’t be true thoughts. Life IS hard for parents often. However, I say this with experience of both now, it’s a billion times harder as a solo parent. If there can’t be even a half day alone at any point in the month, look to your relationship and how you work together.

Your main annoyance seems to be that your friend has more childcare than working days - but that will be a choice/sacrifice to spend money on that instead of something else (or at some nurseries it's actually cheaper to pay for a full week). Her overall life will involve lots of mental load/physical work of looking after a child at night etc that you are not taking into consideration.

In a good friendship you should both be able to talk about your different struggles - but don't make the mistake of assuming her life is easy and yours is unfair.