to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

You are very lucky in that both you and your partner work part time. Very few people could afford that luxury.

So you don't get much alone time since having children - welcome to the club. Try to change your feelings towards your friend getting a day to herself into something more positive. Feel happy for her rather than envious.

It gets easier when they start school. Incidentally, you'd hate me; I work 4 days, kids now school age and I have a partner! I'm living it up every Friday, woo hoo! 🥳🥳🥳 (Cleaning and batch cooking.)

I bet she'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.

You are not her friend.

It's not a competition. Everyone's parenting experience is different. Everyone's relationship or previous relationship or co-parenting or single parenting situation is different. Her getting time to herself doesn't detract from you. She's not taking the time away from you. Just like you having a DH and someone who shares financial and other responsibility for your children doesn't cause her to be a single parent. You seem to be conflating your situations.

Ultimately, if you or your DH lost your job or got ill the other person is there. As a single parent there is no back up. Time to yourself is wonderful and restorative but when you're by yourself everything is on you.

I’m just finding parenting very hard and haven’t done anything alone in nearly two years

Just for your consideration, and without sarcasm, you go to work and you do that alone, or with colleagues. You talk to other adults while your child is cared for elsewhere.
My first child has severe LD, and it was impossible to have her in a nursery due to her extremely high needs. So dh went to work, and I was a sahm. Had to be. No relatives near. No nursery who had specialist one to one care available.
Not that we could have afforded it.

I would have loved to go out to work and talk to grown ups and earn money. It would have been amazing. An absolute dream. But it was just that. A dream.
Nobody's fault, and difficult for others to really understand how it feels.
I think you need to count the blessings you have, and not envy those you don't.

All of this. It sounds like she spends a lot of childcare (by herself!) to make this happen. Also how much does your child’s father bring to the table if you feel like this?

Makes me think of the friend who told me after failed IVF that at least l could spend money on going on holiday, rather than childcare like she had to. Like her you come across as petty, short sighted and mean

You’d do “ANYTHING” to have that full day to yourself? Would you swap lives with her for that one day a week? If you can honestly say yes, then YANBU. And in that case, hop to it. If you need more time to yourself, aim in the appropriate direction - your home life - and not towards your friend.

Why are your weekends chaotic? You both have a day off in the week so that's the ideal time to do life/house stuff (divide it over the 2 days where only 1 of you is working), which can't take more than a couple of hours a day surely. Then 2 weekends where you spend the whole weekend doing "family stuff" and 2 weekends when 1 of you has a day to themselves e.g Weekend 1 family, weekend 2 your "day off", weekend 3 family, weekend 4 his "day off". There you go, regular time off for both of you. Or you could just carry on hoping this "free time" falls from the sky without any planning whatsoever, just as you seem to think your "friend" has managed it.

It really isn't funny.

I think that poster is just on the wind up.

😢

Work full time
Full.time child care
Take some of your paid leave for you to do what you want while dc in childcare

You make your choices
Own them

If you work part time it is less money ( long term as well less pension etc )

You do have someone to share things with

I’m sure after 10 pages of having the boot repeatedly stuck in by posters telling the OP she’s a bitter terrible friend and a delusional ingrate who needs to get a grip, after she admitted only a few pages in that she’s worn down and having a hard day, she’ll be much better equipped to tackle things positively. Not.

If 50 other people have told the OP how terrible she is on the basis of a vent, I don’t see the benefit of adding your own snide take parroting the same thing, other than to be anonymously cruel.

OP, you sound exhausted and really low. You’ve acknowledged it’s your problem, hopefully now it’ll be easier to remind yourself of that when those feelings crop up again. I hope you’re able to work out a situation that benefits everyone in your family and you’re able to take that time alone to recharge.

I dont understand why you prioritise family time at the weekend and doing things together EVERY weekend if you need time alone?

Don't be a martyr.

You cant even begin to understand the newborn stage as a single mum so be happy for her now. This is probably exactly what she needs to recover from those brutal early years.

If you cant organise alone time, that's on you and DH.

You're jealous of her 1 day a week? I'm jealous of people with generational wealth. You play the cards you're dealt.

OP and her husband both only work part time

FWIW OP, I totally get the tapped out thing.

There is a stupid pressure to "spend time together", "enjoy every second because they arent young for long" and make "every moment special"

There are no prizes in motherhood. No point dragging yourself out to the beach or soft play every week because it's the done thing while wishing you were having a duvet day with trash telly.

Your kids remember how you made them feel, as long as you are taking time to recharge, they dont care if they are at soft play, the beach or just round at the local park with daddy for a morning and an afternoon of baking and telly. Put your feet up and stop trying to live up to the pressure you're putting on yourself to "be a family". Family is love, not a conveyor belt of weekend out in eachothers pocket.

Oh wow. You sound incredibly bitter and completely deluded about what single parenthood entails.

When did all this 'time to yourself' start? My kids are adults now but I brought 3 of them up - my OH worked full-time and we had no family nearby. I did it all myself. When the kids started school I went back to work. We had absolutely no expectation of time to ourselves. Apart from the occasional evening coffee with a friend, we expected to be parenting 😏

And whatever you do, don't add to your numbers! Parenting one child between two of you is as easy as it ever gets.

@intheattics

Maybe you have a DH problem? If you both work PT then I fail to see how you get such little time to yourself? Surely DH can give you some "you" time wash week.

wash = each*

I'm sorry, I'm sure this has been mentioned before...but to be alone with a sick child in the still small hours and have no one to share that with; whether they need to go to A&E or just to talk through the anxiety and tiredness of being up with a poorly child, one simply cannot understand that if you have a partner.
OP, you are lucky, in this respect. If you need to change circumstances to better meet your needs, then try to, but to feel bitter and resent your friend for her spa days does nothing for your own MH.

@intheattics I would suggest you start a new thread, preferably not in AIBU. Don’t look at what your friend has, this quote is very true for your situation; “comparison is the thief of joy”. You said you are miserable and I think overall, in life, you don’t sound very happy. If you post about how you are feeling (instead of criticising your so called best friend online), I am sure you’d get helpful advice and support. Also, maybe widen your circle a bit and hang out with some other mums of toddlers to get a perspective of people in a range of situations. Perhaps you need to find your tribe so you can vent and feel heard.

when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!!

Why do you have to be chatty with DH when he comes home? You can do whatever you like and have a few hours to chill out in peace surely? Can you set up the bedroom or corner of the living room/spare room just for yourself and tell DH you're unavailable for chatting?

@intheattics you seem to be putting far too much comparison into your lives. She will have some things that are far more difficult than you do - lack of emotional support, no ability to pop out evenings/weekends for a few minutes. You could take time alone for example dh stays with dc one day/weekend, and choose not to. She doesn't have that.

As your dc gets older you will meet many parents in many different situations. Large families, only child families, SAHP's, parents whose childcare is provided free by doting grandparents, parents with no support and no family or uninvolved family, parents with many resources, parents with no child support, parents with generous child support. This is time to let go of the comparison for your sake or it will lead to being resentful of so many people.

Enjoy your dc and enjoy your friendships. I doubt your friend is spending all her time thinking how lucky you are or begrudging you your marriage and family life. You've noticed the difference, aren't choosing to do that yourself and you can move on and safe your friendship.

Good luck!

you are ridiculous OP, and hopefully ashamed of yourself for posting