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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

348 replies

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:19

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

OP posts:
Cherry35 · 01/07/2023 11:17

You both choose to work part time, you should be able to find some time off and your poor friend is all on her own. Even if the ex gives pays the child's maintenance it is not the same, she has to do everything on her own.

Even then, you choose to be jealous of her just because she has half a day off with her child in nursery.

Meepme · 01/07/2023 11:17

Man you are awful! She's a single parent and does the bulk of things alone. You have a supportive partner and share the load. Jeez.

Smallyellowbird · 01/07/2023 11:17

I think you need to start to get some childcare, even just informal dropping with family or friends for an afternoon. Why not do some swaps with your friend, you take hers for a Saturday afternoon, she takes yours the next week.

Maybe increase your work hours so you can pay for childcare- could you pay for a full day of childcare with a half days wages, it would give you a half day a week off from your family. Work two extra full days and you'd get a day off, and your husband can do the same or continue to work part time to provide part of the childcare.

You do seem to be making it out to be harder than it has to be.

Most parents of young kids are in your position, it is a bit relentless when they're so small, but to envy a woman who, through no choice of her own, is parenting alone is very odd. She may be posting about going to a spa, but she's probably not posting about the loneliness of evenings and weekends when you're busy with your relationship.

HTruffle · 01/07/2023 11:17

I think you need to take some control. You said you’d do anything to have that time alone but yet you’re not doing anything. With respect, it sounds like you’re stuck in a bit of a rut with your job and need a refresh, make some extra money somehow and use that to pay for an extra days childcare and buy yourself that alone time that way.

ImthatBoleyngirl · 01/07/2023 11:17

Parenting is hard but you need to sit down with DH and figure out how you can both get some time to yourself. There's nothing wrong with taking yourself up to bed for a nap every now and then when he gets home. The younger years are all about survival 🤣

It does get easier when they're older. Mine are 9 and 11, OH is at work but I still slept in until 10.30 because I've got a stinking cold and feel crap!

Mouselemur · 01/07/2023 11:18

Did you mean you both work full time? Because surely if you both work part time, you’d have plenty of free time. If you are only part time then is it worth doing more hours and paying a child minder one day a week.

Being a parent can be physically and emotionally draining and not having a partner to share the daily struggles with is very tough. You need a reality check here. Your entitled to complain every now and again, but it looks like with some planning, you could get a least an afternoon to yourself fairly regularly ( more than most!)
Don’t have another child if this is how feel and you value your free time so much.

notsofamous · 01/07/2023 11:18

You’re delusional. And if you are that short of money your dh and also you need to work full time. Why are neither of you doing that?

ZairWazAnOldLady · 01/07/2023 11:18

So take next Saturday to yourself and give dh next Sunday, it’s not like you see being the only parent at home as more work.

Missy865 · 01/07/2023 11:19

Hope you are okay OP. I no what you mean and what you are getting at. My DH will often say I have it easy being off on mat leave with DC. When i go to baby classes and hear about parents whose babies scream all day etc i also no how easy i have it. On the whole, my baby is happy and sleeps well. But i find parenting so hard. DH gets to go to work, have free time on the commute both ways, get a lunch break. Sometimes i find its 4pm and iv not even had a drink of water all day. I seem to survive on buscuits. I find parenting hard and very tiring. Id say that everyone's life looks greener and everyones struggles are relative to their own experiences. Maybe because of differing circumstances you will grow apart. I dont think either of you are in the wrong and i hope you can find some alone time.

JudgeRudy · 01/07/2023 11:19

You're both essentially guilty of the same crime. You both think the grass is always greener on the the other side. Shes imagining the pair of you sharing the load and cuddling up and being suppirtive and good great company for each other. You know the reality is much different.
You are imagining her 'free time' in hours away from her child to do as she chooses, so laze at home, go shopping, meet with friends, do a hobby etc...but what she wants to do is spend it with a partner. She doesn't have one. You also seem to be disregarding the mental load of being a lone parent.
Of the 2 of you, I'd say you had the best deal by far.

notsofamous · 01/07/2023 11:19

Please don’t have another child.

Namechangey23 · 01/07/2023 11:20

intheattics · 01/07/2023 10:19

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

Didn't need to read the whole thread as I know from your opening post Op you will have been eviscerated on here. They say comparison is the thief of joy. Instead of focussing on your friend, focus on your own life and doing a daily gratitude journal of the things you are happy with. Then list out the things you are not happy with and make a plan to change them, research the options. We all feel jealous from time to time and that's ok but see it for what it is. Don't begrudge your friend her happiness when she has clearly had a very unhappy time herself with her ex, she deserves to be happy doesn't she? And so do you. Honestly right now you sound depressed, many of us have been in your shoes. If work is making you happy this needs to change, it's hard to get a positive perspective back. If your DH is making you unhappy you need to talk. If the work life balance is a struggle something needs to change. What if you and said friend had a reciprocal childcare arrangement...you look after her kids one week and she looks after yours? Could be a weekend. Or what about your husband does this one day of the weekend and you swap. Reading between the lines it sounds like your DH isn't doing much parenting otherwise you would have time off like the rest of us when both parents work full time..if that's the case it definitely needs to change. Your situation is what you make it, life is too short not to be happy. There is another thread on here from a woman who has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. That puts things in to perspective for me.

Voerendaal · 01/07/2023 11:20

Bikingwithbabies · 01/07/2023 10:47

OP, her situation simply is not comparable to yours. If you want to imagine it for a moment, send your DH off to his family or on a holiday for a month. You're not allowed to message him about your child, because you are pretending to be a single mum. You have to do everything for your child yourself, every wake-up, every runny nose, every nappy change, the whole lot. And on top of that, every decision, be it medical, leisure or behavioural, not to mention keeping the household running. Of course you're working throughout all of this, so if your child is unwell you'll have to take time off yourself, every time. To compensate for the strains of solo parenting, you book an extra day's childcare. Most weeks, this is presumably taken up with keeping the house in a somewhat habitable state, but occasionally you have a spa day. You're worried you'll be expected to go back to working full time soon and you're not sure how you'll juggle these responsibilities. In all of this, we haven't mentioned the utter heartbreak and grief of being dumped whilst heavily pregnant.

Now imagine you have a friend who works part-time, as does her partner. She can share everything with her partner, and their setup means that their childcare bills are also reduced significantly. So less mental and financial strain.

This friend then has the temerity to claim that she is really struggling with the fact that she never gets a day to herself, and suggests it is in fact you, a working single mother, who is living the life of Riley.

Make sense now??

Absolutely. My husband died a few years ago and my mum died 7 years before. The mental load is immense as a solo parent. Your post actually is making me angry but the responses are making me feel better. I work part time and I do give myself days during the week that are mine to do nice things for me. And sometimes a so called friend has made me feel guilty for having time to myself. They have no idea what it is like to be completely on your own dealing with finances, teenage angst, juggling work and being there for your child when they need you. I could go on but no need - everyone else has said it for me. Thank you everyone for helping me realise that time for yourself is an absolute priority when solo parenting. As for OP - you just are not nice

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 11:20

I would not have wanted mine in nursery 4 full days at such a young age but I was lucky and had a choice.

Off topic but why on earth not?

Mine were in a crèche 5 days from the time I returned to work. They loved it. It was by far the easiest childcare arrangement I had - got much harder when they were a bit older / at school.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 01/07/2023 11:21

Your problems are nothing to do with your friend. She seems to be successfully getting on and living her life the best she can after being thrown in at the deep end by her ex partner.

You need to focus on how you can make your life work better for you and stop focusing on your friends life. There are probably aspects of your life she envies too.

Friendships do change after you become parents. It's tough - I went through it when all my friends had babies but it took me 10 years to become a mum because of infertility.

My friends were selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings at times and I got angry with them occasionally but I now realise they were just completely absorbed in the struggles of parenting babies and toddlers and doing their best to manage their own lives.

Our lives are still very different now I have difficult teenagers and their kids have flown the nest but I try not to get too consumed with envy over their new found freedom and amazing child free holidays!

Namechangey23 · 01/07/2023 11:21

Namechangey23 · 01/07/2023 11:20

Didn't need to read the whole thread as I know from your opening post Op you will have been eviscerated on here. They say comparison is the thief of joy. Instead of focussing on your friend, focus on your own life and doing a daily gratitude journal of the things you are happy with. Then list out the things you are not happy with and make a plan to change them, research the options. We all feel jealous from time to time and that's ok but see it for what it is. Don't begrudge your friend her happiness when she has clearly had a very unhappy time herself with her ex, she deserves to be happy doesn't she? And so do you. Honestly right now you sound depressed, many of us have been in your shoes. If work is making you happy this needs to change, it's hard to get a positive perspective back. If your DH is making you unhappy you need to talk. If the work life balance is a struggle something needs to change. What if you and said friend had a reciprocal childcare arrangement...you look after her kids one week and she looks after yours? Could be a weekend. Or what about your husband does this one day of the weekend and you swap. Reading between the lines it sounds like your DH isn't doing much parenting otherwise you would have time off like the rest of us when both parents work full time..if that's the case it definitely needs to change. Your situation is what you make it, life is too short not to be happy. There is another thread on here from a woman who has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. That puts things in to perspective for me.

Show quote history

I meant life is too short to be unhappy. Seriously!

BamBamBambi · 01/07/2023 11:21

You sound like a dreadful friend and very bitter she gets a day to herself.

Who needs enemies ….

notsofamous · 01/07/2023 11:22

NotStayingIn · 01/07/2023 11:12

I'm getting the feeling that your friend has a positive, problem-solving, attitude and you have a slightly negative, problem-finding attitude.

This for example:
I just don’t think she understands that parenting is also hard in a couple and that many couples, like me, don’t get any time alone. Ever.

As a single parent, she could rightly assume she would get no time alone ever. However, she's made it work so she does.

In a couple, you could rightly assume that you would get some time to yourself, but it hasn't happened.

I think she is triggering to you because she is making things work that you want and haven't (yet) made happen. But it's within your gift to change things. (Not saying it's easy!)

Spot on.

BamBamBambi · 01/07/2023 11:22

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 11:20

I would not have wanted mine in nursery 4 full days at such a young age but I was lucky and had a choice.

Off topic but why on earth not?

Mine were in a crèche 5 days from the time I returned to work. They loved it. It was by far the easiest childcare arrangement I had - got much harder when they were a bit older / at school.

Because some of us would prefer to raise our kids ourselves then put them into childcare and pay someone else to do it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/07/2023 11:23

You sound in an odd way very passive. You are letting life just happen to you rather than planning with your DH.

And I don’t get the bit about separating out “the day to day” and saying yours is harder. It’s not - her day to day is always having to do every morning, bed time etc.

Also, she must be paying for all of her childcare and days out. Is the problem that she has a better paying job? Is it your job that you need to look at changing- you say you aren’t happy in it.

SoupDragon · 01/07/2023 11:23

BamBamBambi · 01/07/2023 11:22

Because some of us would prefer to raise our kids ourselves then put them into childcare and pay someone else to do it.

Show quote history

And presumably others would prefer to earn enough to live on.

Happyorchidlady · 01/07/2023 11:24

Is there a reason you can’t take a day of your annual leave whilst your husband has the kids and go off to a spa for the day?

Popetthetreehugger · 01/07/2023 11:24

So … you have one child , work part time and have a good partner… o my god , poor you . Get a grip .

BamBamBambi · 01/07/2023 11:25

SoupDragon · 01/07/2023 11:23

And presumably others would prefer to earn enough to live on.

Show quote history

Good for them.

No one asked why do you want to send your kids to childcare through.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 01/07/2023 11:25

EarringsandLipstick · 01/07/2023 10:26

Do I not get any support from her simply because I have a DH?!

What support are you looking for?

Exactly this - what DO you want from her?