to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

But is spending all day with someone who is judgemental and lacking in empathy the best thing for your children?

You sound horrible. Parenting is hard, you could always do nursery one day a week. Stop being such a bitter whinger

Aw get a grip, you have chosen to work part time both of you what normal couple has that luxury. You could quite easily have one of you working full time Monday to Friday and one doing part time. Or both work four days and have three other days off and put your child in nursery. As someone who has been a single mum with no one to help or share the mental load with and had a partner you are being ridiculous.

You sound tired, OP.

i think it’s safe to say the OP @intheattics is have a truly rubbish day. Parenting is hard OP, whether with a partner or without.sounds like you need to spend some more time on you, book a random day off work… spend some time alone with a book in a coffee shop. I love spending time with my kids but I always love Time to myself . It’s about getting the balance right.

I do get where you're coming from and think others here are being v harsh! I had a similar situation where a friend had 3 dc under 5 and was a SAHM (also had some childcare), and I had one dc and worked full time. I had it up to here with her constantly going on about how hard it was with 'more than one dc'. At the time I was really struggling with depression and juggling everything. I think I had a judgement of how easy it was for her and felt my struggles were not being acknowledged. Unfortunately I ended up getting a bit snappy with her once, and sadly our friendship has not recovered. I regret now not being more open and assertive with how I was struggling, instead of bottling it up and snapping. Have you tried sharing your own struggles in a calm assertive way? That may help you feel acknowledged and help your friendship in the long run.

Why don't you both work full time then you can afford nursery. You could do longer 10 hour days and then only work 4 days as well. It's not your friend's fault you both work part time.

I have parented completely solo since my child's birth. No local family, no help from the father. I work upwards of 50 hours a week.

You have absolutely no idea, none, of what it is actually like to be in this position.

If you can't be supportive of your friend, don't but please don't think for a minute that your situation is comparable.

I'm not sure why it's so hard to make time for yourself when there are 2 of you and 1 child.

We have a 3 year old. DH works full time. I do 3 days. We do have parents to help with childcare while we work but they are not young and we don't like to ask again on the weekend.

Although we don't get many dates together we both arrange it so we have time out of the house etc. I might go for dinner one night with a friend whilst my DC is in bed and DH is at home with her. He is from further afield originally and sometimes will go for a weekend away to see his old school friends. We are both happy to support this and it's really not difficult to manage with 1 child.

At the moment he has taken DC to soft play with one of his friends and I'm having a quiet hour or two at home. Generally it's not whole days but a few hours out is easily achieved x

You might well be but you’re utterly deluded if you think a day off a week balances out being a single parent. Seriously. You really need a reality check.

Not the same thing. At all.

I brought my DD up alone, with no family nearby. It was very hard at times. My best friend has two DC and is married to a wonderfully supportive man, but when they were younger and he had to work away from home (two weeks max) she'd be all over social media saying she didn't know how she'd cope as 'a single parent'. I could've felt irritated by it (he still existed as support, even when he wasn't at home!) but instead I called her more often, sent silly jokes etc to cheer her up and make her feel less alone. I found her vulnerability quite touching and liked her more for it.

Because that's how friends treat each other OP. How you can begrudge someone you care about a spa day I will never know! Very mean spirited.

If you want time to yourself you can definitely make it happen. There are options in achieving this otherwise how did your friend make it happen when she's doing it on her own?! You clearly crave some alone time so work out a plan that will make that happen. I have a partner who has a crazy job and sometimes feel alone because his job takes all of his time up so I can't imagine how it feels being a single parent and never having another person to share the load with. As others have said I do think you are directing your frustration on her when it's up to you to make your own life easier.

I don't think this has anything to do with her. My friend has just had a baby and is a single mother. I would be delighted for her to have alone time even though I get none, because parenting is really hard and I'm not a jealous, petty person. You need to sort your priorities out and to be blunt - be a better friend.

I wish people would read the full thread, OP has acknowledged that she is probably being unreasonable and admitted she's having a hard time at the moment, so maybe ease up on the comments that she is "horrid" etc. I think she gets it now.

OP you're getting a really hard time. I get that it can be relentless having little ones- especially as a single parent- but going against the grain here, I actually felt it was much easier when I was on my own than with Ex H.

I had just turned 2 yr and 4 yr olds when exDH and I separated. It was obviously lots to do with not having a difficult relationship and the stress around that, but I felt really calm and in control on my own- things were clear, done my way with no debate, I was efficient and had time to myself every night after 7pm when the kids went to bed. My girlfriends came to me every Wed night for food/ cake/ catch-up and I had one day at the weekend completely to myself. It was a golden time actually. I had a hard job in teaching (Still do!) and used nursery (worked 4 days, other at home with kids, always have). Maybe it was the relief of being out of a bad relationship?

I'm NOT saying being a single-parent is a dream- no way- and being a lone parent is a different kettle of fish, but I do get what OP is perhaps seeing as an easier gig. It won't be easier, just different. I didn't do spa days (had no money!) but that head-space of one, whole day is not to be minimised. I felt so much like this that even after meeting DP and having another baby, many years later I still only work 4 days and have one, whole day to myself whilst DC are at school. It's an absolute luxury, but I'm happier being more skint and less stressed.

Also, you can have a whole day off each a week at the weekend? You do what you want Sat and your husband Sunday.

@NerrSnerr I do get this because I value this a lot with my DH. I am talking about the general day to day, if I could be in a spa twice a month from 9-5 it would be a dream.*

So be happy for her. She's your friend.

I've 3 kids and work full time in a demanding job. My husband does too. I'm either working or looking after my kids, one of whom is 17 months. I'd never begrudge a single parent some time to herself as a break fron the absolute relentlessness of parenting alone. I'd love a spa day by myself but I'd rather still be raising my children with their father and wouldn't trade places with a single parent so I could get some 'me' time. Being a lone parent is an absolutely exhausting and lonely experience (at some points at least), I hazard to assume. Absolute hats off to anyone who does it. They deserve a spa day once a month!

Because some of us would prefer to raise our kids ourselves then put them into childcare and pay someone else to do it.

Ah ok. You weren't working - I misunderstood & thought you meant that you were against nursery (creche) as a childcare choice.

Just to say though - as a full time working parent, and subsequently a single parent, I do consider I raise my kids myself, childcare of why type is not paying someone to raise my kids, it's simply childcare while I work. Funny idea to think otherwise.

Bloody hell OP. I am a single full time working mum of 3, and I have managed a holiday with my best friends because of lots of planning and family help.

My BFs cannot stop raving about what a superwoman I am and how I manage the load with an absent ex. Those are the BFs your friend needs.

Even on down days they would never, ever begrudge me a single day of happiness.

So you're jealous that she uses her Annual Leave for herself. What do you use your annual leave for?

By the sounds of things it would make you happier & feel better about your life if your friend didn't have that day to herself & therefore wasn't able to go to spas/meet up for lunches etc. Really?! That's what you would prefer. If you find yourself saying no, then what is the issue?

Giving that you have a husband there, you absolutely should be able to meet with friends, go to spas. Why can't you? This is a relationship issue, a husband problem. If you can't get time to yourself then you have a husband problem which you are projecting onto your friend.

Is your friendship doomed? Yes, because they way you speak of her & your jealousy is awful & one day she will step back. And one day you may come to realise it was a husband issue, not a friend issue but that friend will be long gone by then.

Sounds like you need a break OP, you aren’t awful for that, (but it isn’t your friend’s fault). She has managed to adapt and adjust to her situation, finding solutions that work for her, you need to do the same.

I think it sounds like you and your friend have got stuck in a rut of negativity. She is probably very lonely and, if I were in her position, I’d probably be depressed to boot. PP said it isn’t a competition, which struck a chord, because it sounds like maybe that’s how it’s starting to feel.

Are you ever ‘allowed’ to complain about your set-up, or does she always ‘one-up’ you with how much harder she has it?

Is your DH maybe doing your head in? Was him doing P/T something you wanted?

I guess if your valid issues are no longer validated by your best friend, it’s going to be frustrating.

I have very close friendships and relationships but just constantly moaning at each other would quickly become draining.

I think you both might need a bit of a friendship reset. Maybe you need to balance out the whinging sessions with some good times and positivity and/or try and limit the whinging about stuff you can’t change.

I also think maybe you need to make some changes in your own life. Maybe that’s why you’re resenting your friend so much for trying to make the best of her situation.