to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

Your friend sounds like she prioritises and plans these days because she wouldn’t get them otherwise. I think she’s right to do this and I think that instead of getting down or angry at her, you need to do something similar.

You seem eaten up with envy of your friend. You ought to get control of that for your own good.

She is being pressured to return to work full time.

If she does that, she'll work every day and look after her child on her days off. She won't have any time to herself at all, ever.

You have a partner who can share the load. Surely he cooks dinner, puts the vacuum cleaner round, mows the lawn, looks after his child sometimes? Surely you discuss big decisions, or he supports you when you've had a bad day, or gives you a cuddle when you're ill, or pays that bill?

She doesn't get any of that ever.

So, she has carved out a day every week for herself. I'm sure a chunk of it is spent doing some of the things your dh does in your house. And then she does something nice, something sociable.

This is one of the nastiest, mean spirited threads I've ever read. Your poor friend. How sad that she thinks you're her friend. I wish her the best of lives and hope you both get what you deserve.

End your marriage and go solo then. You would get a day a week. Problem solved.

The thing is, OP... you seem to want the same free days as her AND all the support from your DH. Fair enough to want the free days but please don't begrudge her. Would you really want to swap lives with her, with her husband having left in late pregnancy? Must be awful for her.

Not read the thread so shoot me now if the story has massively changed but you sound very bitter and jealous!

As someone that parents alone much of the time, I have a 'day off' once a week - but that's the day where I get all the life admin done (take car for MOT, renew insurances, clean the house etc etc). I don't think you seen to get how much you need that day when there's only one of you - and I bet you anything that you just see the nice bits online etc where she's has had a spa day. She obviously doesn't post about having a shit time cleaning etc. I also think you're being a bit self indulgent - as people have said you could make time gor yourself e.g. at weekend you and your partner could have alternate Saturdays to uourselves and family day on Sundays.

This. End your marriage and then you'll be in a similar position to her so you can continue being friends!

I am really cut up about this because she goes to the spa occasionally? - you have bigger issues than a lack of childcare if this is the case.

Look at it another way @intheattics

DP and I don't have any break from our kids. You do. DC have SEN and cannot attend school - we home ed. I am highly qualified but cannot work. DC would be mind blowing anxious without me. Days starts when they wake and ends when they eventually fall asleep about 1-2am

I think you are very lucky. You can buy in childcare. You can juggle things.

But we are also lucky. We are in a position where we can support our DC and are able to prioritise their mental health. By scrimping, we can just about be ok

Your situation is your situation. My situation is my situation. We both have challenges.

You're angry because your friend has an easier life than you? (Which she doesn't btw, but that's beside the point). Don't know what to say to that.

I just don’t think she understands that parenting is also hard in a couple and that many couples, like me, don’t get any time alone. Ever.

Are you serious?
You can literally hand your baby to your DP and go out for a walk or with friends or whatever you want to do.

You can stay out as long as you want or even do over night.

Even just having a shower is so much easier for you.

She always has to plan around her child and the scenario of them needing to be collected from nursery, whereas you can share it between you.

Parenting is hard for anyone, single or couple.
But it’s way harder for a single parent because you are taking on the mental and physical load of two people.

I honestly can’t believe how selfish you sound that you think you’ve got it just as hard as she does.
I can only assume you’re not happy with your DP and want to leave so there is some resentment building up.

I don't get why you can't take annual leave now and again for hair or a spa day?

Op, you sound tired and fed up.

I've just come through a period of about 6 months of going to my full time job on about 3 or 4 hours broken sleep each night.

I'm also still breastfeeding and we have zero family support, nil, nada, zilch, niente, nothing. I drop my baby at nursery and do the school run for the older two. Their school is right by my work so I don't even get a minute to just relax in the car.

Then I go to work which is a full on, people facing, work-through-your-lunchbreak kind of job, collect the kids, make dinner, do homework, activities, washing, iron uniforms, do lunches then up all night with the baby and rinse and repeat.

Myself and my husband divide the jobs but the place is always a mess, I'm always dropping the ball somewhere and the only time I get any alone time is when I'm on the toilet or having a shower, and even that is fleeting as we lost the bathroom door key.

I used to get so annoyed when people who worked part time complained, especially if they had fewer kids than me. The thing is, everyone's hardships and challenges are different. You need to do what you can to free up some emotional space and get a break. This is what's making you feel so bitter, and as a result, you can't see the wood for the trees. Your intense days qith a young child will pass, but your friend will forever be separated from the father of her child (probably) and even if she meets someone else, there's a level of complexity that will be in her life that you don't understand (me neither actually!).

The fact that you are jealous of a situation that nobody would choose for themselves, suggests that you're feeling desperate. I'm sorry if my first post came across as judgemental or harsh. I think you need to sort out whatever is making you so burnt out so that you won't feel envious of less than ideal situations. If you feel like you are losing yourself, take action. Hope all goes well.

@intheattics I think lots of the responses to this thread are incredibly hard and completely missing the point. Yes, its shit for your friend that her partner left but actually she has managed to formulate a life in which she gets time to herself, whilst yours does not allow you this.

I'm afraid I don't have any solutions but think a lot of other posters massively overestimate the value of a partner over the value of having a free day a week... many partners can add to the womans burden rather than relieve it.

OMFG
just when you think you’ve read it all.

@intheattics why do both you and your husband only work part time. That is very unusual. Surely if one or both of you upped to full time hours and tried to compress into 4 days you would be in a better position. You would be entitled to help with a huge chunk of the childcare costs and you could use annual leave days if you wanted some time to yourself.
Loads of people have asked about why you both only work part time but you are choosing to ignore them.

That’s what I thought, I think this is another damn reverse.

OP, I have a best friend and we both have two kids around the same age. My friend doesn’t work, sends her kids to nursery full time, has a massive home, a holiday home, and a devoted dh who works away a lot but also does a lot with the kids when he’s around. She even had an au pair at one point. My friend is always portraying things like she has it worse, harder, bigger struggles etc. and it grates. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you all this - I bet you’re seething.
But my friend also had severe pnd after both her pregnancies and she had a really hard time with that. So when she’s complaining, I listen. And when I feel myself slipping from listening into thinking she’s delusional and I have it harder - I give myself a check.

Am I happy though? Yeah pretty much
In my friend’s mind, is she struggling? Yeah she is

Envy is such a thief of joy. Go find your own joy and stop trying to sour your friend’s.

Right now I’m envious of your friend. She sounds bloody brilliant and exactly the kind of person I’d be booking into the spa with - despite working +40 hour weeks, having two kids, no family around, and a tiny box home that always looks messy. Luckily my dh would step up and give me a weekend off if I needed one - where is yours?

How can you not have any alone time with TWO parents and one toddler? You should have loads.

And none of them work full time. It’s a joke.

For what it's worth, when I was pregnant with my third baby, I had to do the blood glucose test for gestational diabetes where you get your blood taken 3 times over a period of a few hours. I was so excited for my appointment and had such a great time chilling out on my phone, chatting to the nurses, enjoying the silence and I even amazingly managed a quick little snooze at one point!

I have a friend who had a terrible infection and had to go to hospital for IV antibiotics and she was so excited to get a break from her young kids and work.

When we are exhausted and burnt out, unappealing things start looking attractive!

You are being really unfair. If you think her life is somehow easier and yours is so difficult because you have a DH there you have to work around - ie. agree time off for a spa day, ditch the husband and be a single mum. Fucking hell.

I don't have children, so I suppose I don't have a right to an opinion (have worked with children and families all my life though), I'm also single.
Being single is not easy, even without children. Every single thing to do with the household is your own responsibility. There is no one to share it with. If the cooker breaks you have to organize someone to repair it and be there when they come to fix it. If you are ill, you've still got to get up and make your food because there's no one there to help at all. You have the entire responsibility for the household finances to keep a roof over your head. You have to do every single household chore yourself (or pay for a cleaner/gardener etc). And so on and so forth.

Now add a baby/toddler into the mix. Fucking hell. I don't know how women do it and I have nothing but admiration for people who can manage all of this by themselves. I don't think it's easy for women in a relationship to bring up a child/go to work/household chores etc either and again, you're amazing.
BUT I think you are being a bit uncharitable to be complaining about her, although I think it sounds like it's coming from a place where you are struggling a bit too.

So maybe talk to DH and say that you are struggling and you need some time for yourself - eg. to go to the hairdressers'/to go on a spa day/whatever else you want to do. And look at how the two of you can maybe rejig things so that you both have some time for yourselves because if you're having feelings like this about your friend, you've got some deeper issues which need addressing.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”.

I can see both sides. I have a single childfree friend. I am never allowed to have a problem as I am married with two kids. It does taint our relationship.

On the other hand, I can't imagine being a single parent and I'm sure your friend needs her day alone.

We both found lack of alone time very hard. So we get space regularly from the kids. Try alternate taking a day at the weekend each oer fortnight. It might not be weekly but it will help reset you.

Best of luck. Its a hard age.

Lots of the usual, judgemental MN bullshit on here, OP. But some nice, supportive posts, too. Ignore the bitchy crap and focus on the helpful ones. Good luck 🌺