to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

Does she really have more time to herself compared to a couple? Presumably you and your DH share childcare over the weekend and evenings? Not to mention the shared cognitive load of running a household and parenting (assuming your DH isn’t entirely useless and takes on some of that). I think you’re underestimating the difference it makes when co-parenting as a couple compared to going it alone, even with a support network.

Yes because staring at a blank wall when you have just spent your free day making all the life decisions, doing all the stuff that keeps a home ticking over, been the one to answer every question, prepare every meal, clean up every mess, pay every bill, is just a peachy way to live your life, peachy and lonely, peachy and exhausting, peachy and draining.

I think the key here is that you work PART TIME. Not many people can afford 1 person to do that let alone both in a couple......
Why not go back full-time and pay for childcare like your friend.

Sorry posted a bit too soon - I was going to .add don't take the self indulgent bit too harshly, I too basically never had any time for myself until I realised I had to make it happen. It is hard but necessary to refresh yourself. I'm sure if you manage this you will start feeling less sorry for yourself

Why don't you split up and then you'll get 50% of time on your own.

You're being utterly ridiculous! Comparing apples with pears.

You're jealous of her and that's ok. You've got it harder than some but easier than others.
What's that saying, we're not all in the same boat but we're all in the same storm?
Parenting is tough!

I think posters should insert a warning emoji before writing their responses:
😍 = a supportive post
☠️ = a judgemental, nasty, intolerant post
⚖️ = a balanced post trying to see both sides of the issue

Parenting is hard for all parents. Some people have it harder - but no one has it easy.

To some extent I get it OP. I think you are wrong to be focusing on your friend, but there comes a time when the delight at having a squidgy baby is no longer new and you realise what a relentless slog parenting can be. It's fantastic and I wouldn't change it for the world, but who amongst us wouldn't sometimes secretly wish for a few hours off from managing a toddler?

You also sound like you are someone who needs alone time to decompress and recover. Some people need quiet alone time more than others, and sometimes people who get their energy from talking and being in a crowd, don't get just how much of a need that downtime is.

You say you are having a tough time at the moment. Is it just about needing a bit of downtime? Or is it perhaps more complicated?

It's a cliche, but I would tell yourself that it's ok to be a mother and to put your own life jacket on first. Your friend, wisely sounds like she is doing just that. My advice is not to resent her, but to do your version of what she's doing.

FWIW DH & I tag team with DC1 due to shift work and it was hard. Good for DS but not so good for DH and me as neither of us got a break or a lie in. My mental health improved once I changed to a 9-5 work pattern and was able to use childcare.

OP, I used to work 3 days a week when my two DC were little. I used some of my annual leave for the occasional day of me-time. This is what your friend is doing, there’s no reason why you can’t do the same. You just need to discuss with your husband how you will each use the annual leave, it isn’t unreasonable for each of you to take some of it separately to decompress. Same goes for bank holidays - one person could look after your DC while the other person gets the day (or a few hours) to just get a break, meet up with friends, go to the spa, whatever. You need to make a deliberate effort to get that down-time and not use it to do chores etc otherwise it will never happen. Don’t blame your friend, take responsibility for your choices and priorities.

You do realise your post is bitchy and judgemental, dont you?

OP has started an entire thread bitching about how her ‘friend’ had it easier than her (even though OP only works PT and has a DH to share the parenting, housework and financial load).

OP is the one being bitchy and judgemental about a friend who is struggling.

OP why can’t you book a spa day for next weekend and have your DH look after his child?

Exactly. I think people are being a bit hysterical to be honest. We all have struggles unique to our own situations, so I don’t understand why single parent automatically = got it the worst.

I’ve been a single parent for over 3 years now. Definitely had it worse when I was with my ex.

Ok.

The OP's first post should have had ☠️ then.

I think your anger is misplaced OP. I totally understand that when you are struggling and unhappy you feel envious of people who you think have the thing you want (in this case that day of free time/ a spa trip.) But i really think you need to get some perspective here. When you are unhappy it's hard to see what you do have that other people would give their right arm for ie. Your DC and a partner to share the burden. I think you need to sit down with your husband and really talk about practical ways you can support each other to get some free time. It might be alternative weekend days for example. You will be much happier if you focus on how to improve your own situation.

This will be a fundamentally unhappy and embittered person.

Let me guess Op - you are jealous of people who on SM post holiday pics, when neighbours get new cars, a colleague with a new handbag?

Oh, right. I shall hang my head in shame 😊

If, hand on heart, you think your life is not as easy as a single parent’s you need to really rethink your relationship.

Lol.

Jealousy is very ugly.

You're making it a competition by measuring her struggles against yours, her free time and lesuire time against yours.

It's hard juggling everything but by deflecting your anger on to her by the constant comparison YABU.

She's inviting you to spa days because she values your friendship. If you don't want to take annual leave decline and don't get jealous about it. Be grateful she's thinking of you.

And no way have you almost got it as bad as a single parent. We all feel annoyed at our friends sometimes but you are letting bitterness take over and may lose what sounds like a good friendship if you continue.

I’ve been a single parent for over 3 years now. Definitely had it worse when I was with my ex.

Me too (tho he's done a good job of making my life hell since too).

But I don't have it better than a two parent family, and a marriage which OP describes as happy, 1 DC & choices she can make if she wishes.

Why can't YOU take an annual leave day and go to a spa or stay at home and sleep all day if thats what you want? I don't get why you're upset about your friend taking an annual leave day every once in a while to go to a spa?????
Whats it got to do with you? Just because you don't get a childfree day in the week then your friend isn't allowed one either?

Why aren't you or your husband working full time?
Why don't you ask your husband to work full time so you can put child in nursery one day a week so you can go to the Spa? See what he says....🙄

Because she’s have to ‘sort it with work’ and ‘organise it with DH’. It’s just FAR TOO MUCH.

So her friend is ‘fucking insensitive’.

Or something like this…

OP I suspect this is financial jealousy and nothing more.
If you could afford to go 4 days a week, then you would be considerably better off than her, time-alone wise
You probably can afford to do a 4 day week but choose to have the additional income instead. Everyone makes their choices on what to spend their money on.
Have you explored a 9-day fortnight?