Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend

[MagicFarawayTea]

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

It’s no biggy. Mine did have a girlfriend and it was a huge mess. He almost failed his A levels because of her manipulation of him. His friends fell out with him because of her. Fortunately he saw sense, even more fortunately his friends came back. She still tries to get to him even now.
so it’s not the be all and end all.

YABU. It my school prom groups of friends just went together, as there were a disproportionate number of girls to boys in my school year.

Anyway, how would you feel if you were my mum? I'm nearly 32 and never had a relationship due to disability. Plus, you don't actually even know your kids love lives, or lack thereof.

@wobbledobbleflobble2 😂

Giants- 21
Men with dwarfism- 24.4

Definitely park it, @MagicFarawayTea.
Boyfriends/girlfriends at university are a complete bore, and mean you are tethered to someone rather than having fun. Very few relationships go the distance at that age; why not just enjoy being young, free and single? A relationship is not something to aspire to, particularly. They are great if you meet someone who makes your life even better, but otherwise, they are tedious. Especially at that age, when there is no reason (children, finances etc) to be stuck in a dreary relationship.

As for worrying about not having crap to put on Facebook: I despair. Just come off Facebook.

You are so unreasonable that it is bizarre! your children are not living their life through your Facebook. That's it! They might have had girlfriends, boyfriends, one-night-stands, they might identify as an octopus for all you know. Try to get a life and stop trying to live through your children and FB

Mine are 21 and 18, and neither have had relationships that I know about.
Eldest is in second yr at uni, youngest just been to school prom with her (single) friends.
We have said eldest can bring a friend with him when he visits us in France for a week, but he's said he can't find anyone to bring. 😢

Name changed for this.

I was the same (dcs early 20s) until a month ago.....

Drunk convo with dc1 a few weeks back telling me all about dumping the person they were seeing and how said person was very upset...

And dc2 helping unpack again a few weeks ago and finding a bumper pack of condoms, half empty - so clearly no Virgin which I'd imagined.

Note to all- they don't talk to parents about stuff like this. So don't worry.

My dd 19 nearly 20 is in university and doesn’t have any boyfriend same as her 3 best friends. My second dd nearly 17 and is having her prom tonight and she has no boyfriend either and in a group of 6 others girls from her school who also don’t have boyfriends. They are focusing on their studies instead of boyfriends business.

Sound like me - I struggled with relationships at their age and didn’t have my first proper boyfriend till just turning 27. Now at 54 and married 26 yrs with a 21 yr old and a 18 yr old. Don’t know if this will ease your mind

Same here with ds21, but I hold out hope in that he 'might' have had, or maybe even has 'relationships' that he doesn't want to tell me about. I remember I really didn't ever want to share any 'relationship' info with my mum unless 'forced' to through normal questions.

So I don't ask any probing questions at all. Maybe he will meet a special someone that he will introduce me to one day.

So true. The happiest person I know is 37 and has never had a boyfriend. She's fairly attractive, with a sparkly personality, but doesn't do relationships. No doubt she's had the odd fling. Then again she could be a virgin. It really doesn't interest me. We put way too much emphasis on sex and relationships. For too many women, they are still a marker of success – "I've bagged a man, so I'm not a loser!" etc.

Anyway, she has countless friends and a social life that would exhaust almost anyone. Half my of married friends, on the other hand, seem utterly miserable. One confided to me at Christmas that she hates her husband, another just lives for the times when her partner goes abroad on business. I sense a big change in attitudes. The young are waking up to the fact that they don't have to be tied down. Many seem far more interested in travel and money and careers.

Neither of mine had boyfriend or girlfriends during school, I was just thankful that hey had a,axing friends and both enjoyed school.

dd always said the boys at school were so immature, she met her now boyfriend when she was half way though her first year at uni. They were both 18 .

ds had a girlfriend at 17 and she was so needy and full on I’m sure she scared the crap out him and has put him off dating for life! He’s been too focussed on uni and getting a good job . He’s in life for the money and his aim is to work hard and play hard.

They sound like great well rounded kids. Leave them to live their lives, being young is the time to enjoy yourself, and not for having serious relationships.

I had a boyfriend aged 17-18 and we had a pregnancy scare, my parents went mad as they thought he was trying to put me off my A levels and going to uni!
Be careful what you wish for.

I'm sure it will come in time.
Relationships are massively over rated anyway

I agree with this. So many women (you only have to read MN) are utterly miserable in their relationships. If you’re lucky you might have someone you are truly happy with but that’s the exception, the default seems to be the opposite. I’ve never been happier since deciding not to have relationships anymore, it’s been over six years and my mind is not changing. Judging by all the young adults I come across through my own adult kids and friends adult kids relationships don’t seem to be the obsession they were with me and my friends back in the 70s.

I also agree. I am in a good relationship but if it were unhappy I'd far rather be single. Its awful to feel lonely whilst IN a relationship! I also dont get the attitude of "they're missing out if they dont have casual flings". Not true in my case, I did all that in my 20s and it made me feel like shit. Not everyone enjoys casual encounters (no judgement if you do of course) but I dont understand why people cant accept that everyone is different and its not "missing out" just because you dont enjoy the same things as someone else.

Sounds like you’ve gone right somewhere and they value themselves more highly than to feel the need to be in a relationship for the sake of it, if they haven’t happened to meet someone they liked.

Also, I agree they haven’t had relationships that you know about!

I really hope you're not bringing this up. My mum used to bang on about how she was dating at 15 and it wasn't right for me to be lonely etc etc just because you define success by being codependent doesn't mean they do. One look at my parents relationship kept me very wary for years.

I think this is mad. Times have changed. It's a jungle out there with the influence of porn and male sexual entitlement - I'd be delighted that my daughter in particular was avoiding the very high risk of sexual assault until she matures enough to hopefully judge situations well and cope with what relationships will throw at her. So long as they both have friends and don't spend all their time indoors, I'd be happy that they'd be fine.

My mum used to do this too.

But when she was 15 she had an older brother and they all used to do Scouts and Guides together and it was all very wholesome and just lots of holding hands and kissing. She didn't actually lose her virginity until much later.

These days 15 year olds have been soaked in online porn since the age of 10 and think things like anal sex are normal.

Times have changed, and in the current context I'd be quite glad if my kids steered clear of all that until they were a few years older.

I wonder if the huge increase in antidepressant use in teenagers and young adults is partly responsible, as this can have a huge negative effect on libido.
Anyway just a thought.
I wouldn't worry at all about this op, as long as they are happy. My teen DS (who is in year 12) does have a gf and I worry about pregnancy and heartbreak at this critical stage of education.

I'd be celebrating them not being in relationships to be honest. They are young, whole life's ahead of them and should have the freedom to just enjoy life with no cares to be themselves and find themselves first before bringing partners into the orbit.

And they may date but just choose not to tell you about it.

Maybe they have had relationships but havent felt comfortable sharing with you yet.... possibly because you're the kind of mum who wants to put them on Facebook 🤨

How you feel is how you feel. Not unreasonable at all.
On the other side, if you are on their case about why they don't have a partner all the time... then thats not cool.
Have your feelings, just don't make your feelings their issue

I have a 22 year old daughter in same position... shall we suggest a date? 😂