Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend

[MagicFarawayTea]

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

I was like your children, OP. I had a happy home life, was content in myself, had friends to socialise with. I didn't feel the NEED to seek out a boyfriend. I did have a couple of friends who had more difficult family lives and they never seemed to be without a boyfriend, I remember thinking that it was almost as if they were seeking something they didn't get at home. If they are happy and content as they are, and not lacking in confidence, or being very clingy with you, then you are doing well as a parent, and relationships will come naturally when the right person comes along.

At university I started socialising more and found that boys were interested in me. I had a few "dalliances" but really was still happy on my own and not looking for anything serious. Then at 22 I met someone I just clicked with and we went out for a few drinks. Long story cut short, we've been together 26 years and our eldest has just completed his first year at uni. I still say that if I hadn't met him I maybe would have stayed single because I was honestly happy on my own and wouldn't have wanted to settle for just anyone as a boyfriend.

Our eldest is 19, had no experience (as far as i know) with girls, is quite nerdy, and reserved and not too socially confident. To my surprise, he met someone at uni a few months ago, they clicked, and have been going out ever since. He's met her family and she's staying with us soon, so they seem very keen on each other.

Our youngest is in 6th form and is all about his mates. Never had a girlfriend, shows no interest in girls. I am not at all worried about him, relationship-wise. It will happen when it's the right time/person. As long as he's happy that's all I'm bothered about.

I understand what you mean in some ways. YOU know that your children have a lot to offer, and you'd like them to have a special person who is on their wavelength, on their side, who just "gets" them, and who they feel secure with. But there really is no rush. It'll happen when it happens. These days you don't even have to go to bars/clubs to meet someone. My nephew met his girlfriend online gaming at uni, met up in person and clicked and have been going out for months.

Please don't push it, or show your disappointment, or worry. There really is no need.

My DM thinks I was single from 20-25 and possibly thinks i lost my V card at 25.

When actually i was dating guys I didnt dare introduce to her 🤣🤣🤣

@phoenixrosehere

I think for them they genuinely can't imagine how you could be both single and happy. They got together young and have spent their whole adult lives doing everything together. They imagine everyone aspires to the same thing and until I was in a relationship they thought I was seriously defective. No pressure about providing them with grandchildren though. Unlike my DH who was advised by his mother to get back with a girlfriend he'd just dumped, even though she disliked her and was aware he'd been unhappy with her. She was worried he wouldn't find anyone to have kids with. He was 28.

I have 4 children between the ages of 24-18. I think relationships are quite different these days ! My ds's can be seeing someone for a while before it becomes ' official ' and we actually get to meet them or they just see girls casually and we don't know about them. This has certainly been the case for ds2.

They are still young OP. You no need to be worry to much about them. I am a big believer that soul mate will come in the right time. I myself didn't have first boyfriend until 29 ys. He's now my husband.

This. I think it is more weird when people post photos of their teenage children with boyfriends they are likely to have forgotten in a couple of years.

OP a lot of people are saying that maybe they just haven't told you about their relationships, or that they're young and it's not unusual to start dating later.

Well I have two daughters, 25 and 23. Neither have ever had a boyfriend (or girlfriend) that I know about, except the younger one when she was 10! But more than that, they have both told me and their dad that they are aromantic and asexual. So almost certainly they have never sexual relationships and never will.

This does make me sad, because while intimate relationships are not the be-all-and-end-all, for must people they are a part of a full life. Having had a happy marriage, I also feel that life is easier with close support from someone, both emotionally and practically - some people manage to get that from friends but it can be difficult to find friends that are always there for you, and friends are not there when you come home at night, or when you wake up in the morning. Some day DH and I will be gone and I worry that our daughters will be alone.

So yes, I get you.

I agree. Don’t be too keen for them to rush into a relationship. My dd is at university, she hasn’t been on a date ever, she has friends who are quite a bit older and haven’t dated yet . It is fine.

I started my first relationship when I was 23. I'm still married to him.

WTAF?! 😂

My thoughts exactly !

I think they sound completely normal , you have no idea of their private lives.
My parents had no idea what i got up to , they are both young i think you are worrying over nothing

YABUU. I'm 45, never had a boyfriend/girlfriend and never dated anyone and I'm perfectly happy.

I'm also fairly tall for a women at 5'10 if that makes any difference.

My DC are DD15 and DS18. When I was their age my friends and I were boy crazy, and party/drink mad. DD had a broken heart earlier this year (which was awful) and DS had a generally disappointing romance last year. They’re both now not interested in bf or gf at all. They’re more interested in their sports, friends and studying. Great (from a responsible parent perspective) but surely a bit boring (from my teenage self). I find their friends aren’t particularly interested in bf or gf either, they seem to be much more content at home. I suppose they communicate via gaming and FaceTime (wouldn’t that have been great back in the day). Friends with slightly older kids are finding the same; kids in Uni for a year or two and not even a sniff of a bf or gf (that we know of). Perhaps we have a generally more sober and rounded generation with a greater sense of self.

This. Though I understand how you’re feeling OP. If they really have never had any that is very unusual.

They will get there. My Ds was at Uni before he had his first gf, DD 15 is no where near ready

I genuinely thought this thread would be about adult children in their 40s... you need to stop being so intense. And mourning fb prom photos?! Superficial much?!

YANBU , if they are tall and attractive. are they friendly, chatty, outgoing? Most people think tall and attractive people are already "taken". So if any conversation comes up along the line just encourage them to give out more "green lights" ( I had same issue with adult kids)

I was 23 before I brought a boyfriend home to meet my parents. He wasn't the first boyfriend, just the first they met or knew about

I have no prom photos to post on Facebook.

Eh??

Why does not having a BF/GF mean you couldn't post a prom photo?

FFS. You should be happy and relieved that they aren't embroiling themselves in early relationships/marriages, possibly leading prematurely to offspring or financial entanglement.

Young people should be focusing on their education, their skills, jobs experience, career potential, exploring the world (figuratively or literally). Not getting tied down by some early romance where they can't see clearly.

God, I despair. It's 2023. People aren't defined any more by their relationship status or lack thereof.

I’m 50 and have been with my dh since I was 16. I love him dearly but wish I had lived a single life for a while before settling down, why would you wish for you dc to have partners so soon?
DS is nearly 18 and as far as I know has never had a partner but it’s not something I’m concerned about, he is having fun with his mates. None of his group went to prom as they couldn’t be arsed and I couldn’t give a toss about FB.
DD is 15 and the longer she goes without a boyfriend the better as far as I’m concerned, I’ve told her to go have fun and enjoy her young years because before you know it you are menopausal, knackered, depressed and looking after elderly parents . feeling very old!
Let your kids just enjoy life.

Omg it's far too young to even give it a second thought. In fact I'd be annoyed if they were serious with someone so early, there's plenty of time for it! Let them make their own choices.

I didn’t have a serious relationship until my late twenties. Some silly flings but nothing that went anywhere.

I married at 33, everything turned out ok.

Facebook is for losers.

Love being a loser 🥳