DS proposing at 18

[burndelight]

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

DH and I have been together since we were 17, married at 21 and have just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary.

DS2 was 18 when he proposed to his girlfriend. He went to uni within easy travelling distance of her home and they married at the end of his first year in uni - they celebrate their 5th anniversary in a few weeks.

Youngest DD got engaged 2 years ago when she was 19 and they married last week age 21.

If they live together in a house share, they will not be joint tenants, but have own tenancy agreements.

If they each have their own room in a houseshare, yes.

If OTOH they rent a double room, or a studio flat, it's not so simple. If one wants to move out, the one remaining can't just find a new flatmate to move in and share the bills.

We got together when I was 21 and DH 18. Didn't get married until I was 40. I had been with my bf before for 2.5 years when I met him so not single since 18. He sounds sensible

DH proposed to me when he was 19 and we'd known each other for five days. I said yes and we've been married for over 20 years. Just to illustrate that it can work!

Your DS sounds lovely OP!

My DD is also 18 and has been with her first and one and only boyfriend coming up for 3 years in the Autumn. I too think it is much better to find oneself rather than be in a committed relationship, especially with someone from 15/16. I feel it can hinder development as you are kind of stuck as the person you were at 16 if you see what I mean.

You know they did studies and those who stay married REALLY happy is people who meet and get married young. Like high school sweethearts.

not that other groups don’t but there’s like an incredibly high percentage

Your son is only 18. Tell him straight out that he is to young to be getting engaged.
Tell him at 18 he should be looking forward to going to college, meeting now people and enjoying university life without being engaged.

Ask him is he worried about him and her splitting up unless they get engaged? Is she pushing him for an engagement? Tell him if she is doing this she might be planning to get pregnant soon. Ask him does he want to drop out of college because she is pregnant?
Tell him straight out that if she gets pregnant your not going to bring up or pay for that child.

Ask your son does he want to be in college, making new friends, enjoying life and making plans for after college?
Does he want to do a masters? Would he like to travel after college? Tell him he won't be able to do this if he has to fund the big wedding.

Tell him if it's so important that they get engaged that you will ring her parents and you will all have to meet up to chat about the wedding as it obvious he is not going to college if he is he is getting engaged at 18.
You need to see how many people they want to invite to this wedding and you want to ask them about paying for it.
Then he can look for a job because if they are getting married they both need to get jobs to save for a wedding and a house because your not paying for any of this.

My feeling is that her parents might not want this either.

In your son's case if he does not listen to reason I would tell him since he is an adult he can fund college from his own earnings and savings.

Yes, he won't want to hear this but at 18 he is to young to be getting engaged.
If they are going to different colleges they can still see each other if time and finances allow but it better if they live independently over the next few years.
They both have a lot of growing up to do as people.
I know lads of his age and they are just either starting or in the 2 Nd year of college, they just left home and are finding their way as adults trying to do a lot on a small amount of money.
I would not like to see them engaged at that age because their not mature enough to make a decision like that.

Agree - absolutely no way would I pay for joint accommodation so that they could play house.

Perhaps it will all work out and they’ll defy the odds but it sounds terribly suffocating. It’s a concern that they don’t have their own friends.

I think it's sweet. Young love is fab. So much promise.

I would encourage them to live separately in halls for the first year & try to enjoy Uni life, make friend, learn to share a room/halls etc.

then look at house share for second year.

it's so easy to be 'loved up' & miss out on the fun & lessons of Uni life. The freedom to to not have to be beholden to anyone, of course they can still be together & be faithful if that's what they both want, but to be able to come & go with total freedom, they should each experience a year if that first IMO though at their age I wouldn't have appreciated that freedom either & wanted to live with my bf!!

Well, I’d be horrified!

Leave him to it. Marriage is just a bit of paper and engagement is just a promise a promise that can easily be broken just like a marriage certificate.
he’s an adult now and can do whatever he feels is right for him. Your job now is to watch on the sidelines and keep your fingers crossed.
I’ve been with my husband since we were 14 years old. 21 years and still together.
lot of people we know have been together since their teens. Stop trying to control him.

I got engaged at 18 and then married at 21. I'd advise quiet support and not making it a big deal - you don't want to make it too hard to back out and lose face if he needs to.

I agrée Uni Will likely change everything. But don't say that to him or her!

Do not do anything or say anything. They are adults and it is encouraging they still plan to be apart. If it does not work out, then that will be it. There are lots of posts on here saying how well things worked out and lots of my friends from uni got together and have lasted the test of time. I met someone I adored but could not shake the feeling I needed to live more first. It worked out in the end but actually we would have been great together. The worst thing you can do is interfere

Tell him to listen to "champagne problems" by Taylor swift. Will discourage him from telling lots of people before he has an answer. If she says no and loads know he's asked he will be humiliated. If he asks and she says yes just let them get on with it. It's an engagement not a marriage yet (obviously encourage log engagement)

How is their intention to live together next year planning to be apart?

I have to admit I would be a little disappointed if one of my DC had got engaged at 18 but I was engaged at 19 and married at 20 and we are still happily married 40 years later .
If they dont marry for a while getting engaged will make no difference. If it lasts they will be older when they marry and if they doesnt it will be over . There is also a chance his GF will say no .

Marriage is just a bit of paper and engagement is just a promise a promise that can easily be broken just like a marriage certificate.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It's equivalent to a legally binding contract. Read some of the threads here about division of assets at divorce, or what happens when a couple in a long term relationship who aren't married break up, and one partner (usually the woman) has no assets.

It's a legal and financial contract which is why I think there are more benefits to marriage young whilst you have few assets and build these together.

If marriage is ‘just a bit of paper’ then so are your contract with your employer and the deeds to your house. It is a legally binding contract.

He sounds a lovely boy. Let them enjoy this time. Young love is a very powerful thing. And in my experience the more you oppose it, the more they will pull together, and against you. When my ex husband was going mad because our daughter had announced her engagement, I said "Just let her enjoy the excitement and her pretty ring. She won't marry him anyway" When she changed her mind, as I knew she would, she felt able to tell me, because she wasn't afraid I'd say "I told you so".

I think that escapes a lot of people, younger and older alike. For OP, that would be a good conversation to have.

He has bought a ring !! It is gorgeous actually (his grandparents have been saving for him monthly since he was born and gave him some of this money to travel this summer and extra to get stuff, so he got the ring with this)

Her mum just rang me asking my thoughts, she seems much more relaxed about it than I am my DH and her DH have been joking since they were about 12 that they'd end up together. My Dh and two of his friends used to have "sunday club" where once a month on a Sunday they would take all the kids for a roast dinner and out to some museum, castle etc. They said the pair of them were always inseparable.
Her mum thinks it was just a matter of time and there is no harm in being engaged as long as they aren't diving into marriage.

I do agree with you that 18 is a bit young - however I've been with my partner for 20 years this year - known each other all our lives and started dating at 18 (still not engaged or married though!).

One piece of advice I'd give to you is to be supportive and kind to his girlfriend. My partners DM wasn't all that lovely to me when I was 18 - nothing terrible but she clearly didn't think I was worth her time...20 years later I'm the mother of her grandkids and as much as we get on ok, I haven't forgotten how she made me feel when I was young and trying to make a good impression.

They might not last long-term...but if they do you don't want her to resent you for the way you behaved when they got engaged.

Oh my goodness I hope it’s only a small proportion of the money that his grandparents have saved for him?

Yes, we are using our savings for him to help cover uni accommodation costs, His grandparent shave over £30,000 saved for him and have given him about £12,000 of it so far, the rest of their savings plus alot of ours will be available for buying a house/wedding etc. when the time is right.