DS proposing at 18

[burndelight]

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

Yes, but are we talking multiple thousands on the ring?

Aw OP he sounds all ready to go! I wouldn’t be so pleased if DS got engaged at 18 but sounds like his mind is made up. Best thing you can do is be supportive and/or be around if it doesn’t work out. It’s an exciting time for him! Also helps that her parents are onboard!

That doesn’t illustrate that getting married to your teenage boyfriend/girlfriend is a good idea, though — just that you’re still married to the same person. It might well equally well be an instance of you having cramped and held one another back from all kinds of interesting, mind-broadening experiences you would have had if you hadn’t tied one another down so young.

Support him /them

It's only an engagement. Not rushing marriage then I would Worry

Things may change once at uni

This

We did those things together. I mean, we could've done them individually, or with other people... But doing them with the person you love best in the world was far more fun.

Not at all. They've known each other for ever and been partners long enough to know each other's minds etc.

We are/were pretty similar. DP and her oldest friend met at at a girls Grammar School aged 11. Friend's son (b 04/1991) and our daughter (b 12/92) grew up meeting regularly three or four times a year and on holidays both UK and in France.

Like you might with cousins is the nearest analogy I can come up with.

When he was 14 and she 12 going on 13 they took an interest in one another. Spotted them holding hands in the back of my car coming home from a trip to the zoo...

Both sets of parents kept a watching brief and agreed it was what it was and we'd let it develop or turn to sh!t. Rather than spend hours driving them to see each other the learned, aged 14/15 on to use trains alone. The ability to use Live Arrivals, mobiles to monitor progress and to communicate and with either set of parents able to turn out by car if it went completely titzup made problems soluble. Massively useful experience for later; they never turned a hair with planes or trains screwing up at Uni etc.

We had an agreed line with his parents about supervision, age of consent etc but once she was 16 we 'let them get on with it' - precautions had been dinned in by both sets of parents.

They lasted through separate Universities, albeit not without problems, and sorted themselves to live together and work etc after graduation.

They're now married and we have a 21mo grandson..

It sounded to me like the plan was to get engaged and live together whilst at uni with a plan to marry after graduation. This sounds pretty sensible to me. There is of course a possibility that they'll break up before they graduate but getting engaged is not an irreversible or catastrophic decision just (potentially) a mutual declaration of how seriously they take the relationship and where they see it heading.

Not many people marry their first serious boyfriend / girlfriend but it is far from unknown and not necessarily undesirable as long as no-one is being rushed or pressured into anything.

Very sad that people are more supportive of sleeping around, dysfunction and degeneracy than actual commitment. Leave him to propose and conduct his relationship.

That said, I think any man generally is mad to want marriage (with the current state of society), given they now gain very little from it, more than half end up in divorce and 80% are initiated by women.

Why is it your idea that the alternative to bustling about with engagement rings and tying yourself down when you’re barely a legal adult and have zero life experience is ‘sleeping around, dysfunction and degeneracy’?

Lots of people don’t 🙄

even If they get engaged, I would
discourage them from living together the first year. Or at the very least make sure they find a place that either of them can afford solo.

It’s hard to navigate, you can’t say no, but you have the wisdom of experience to know that this will probably lead to pain and turmoil.

The financial fallout from being stuck in a lease together if they break up is probably the biggest problem though.

Aww I think it’s very sweet!

16 - met DH
18 - DH proposed
23 - we got married
42 - still happily married!

All these stories are lovely, but also like the granny who smoked and drank and lived to 90. The reality is, most couples that marry at 18 will divorce. But that is outside the OP's control - yoou have to let them make their own mistakes.

Way too young! 18 years old you are just starting out with experiencing university life - going to parties - having fun - getting engaged at 18 in the 60’s/70’s was the norm. but not anymore -

Wtaf has being gay got to do with anything?

I used to think this would be madness but more recently when I read about horror dating stories and the like I am actually starting to think that it’s maybe not a bad idea. One of the happiest couples I know have been together since 14 and are now mid 50’s. I know it was more common in the 80’s but who is to say it is wrong?

Quoted the wrong post there i think. Apologies!

I married at 25 (early for my friends, professional women a few years ago) but this is a stupid idea.
Does he understand that marriage is primarily a legal contract?
That it means sharing all your assets etc?
Very irresponsible

Just go along with it. If they actually want to get married in the near future be happy for them, but make them save to pay for it. That should buy some time.

I was 18 when I met DH. I would have been horrified if he'd asked me to marry him then! It may well have ended the relationship. So that's a risk your DS may not have considered.

I wouldn’t worry too much. He is just a bit excited and feels very grown up at 18. It’s hard to watch as you know he has just wasted money on a ring, and most people will be quietly laughing behind his back. If you tell him not to, it will just make him more determined. Hopefully the girl will have more sense. But as people have pointed out, it’s probably not going to result in marriage, at least not yet. If they do start to plan a wedding the cost involved will slow them down. Not to mention once married you can let them know they are responsible for supporting themselves too.

My Mothers classmates started dating at 14 and were still together in their late seventies, it’s the exception but it can happen. DS has been with his GF for almost 5 years and is 22. He will propose but is waiting for them to both actually be somewhere along their career paths. She has also made it very plain by saying if they were older she would have expected a ring by now.

If the engagement breaks and he has bought her a ring she is legally entitled to keep it. Just let him know that. I have had three engagement rings in my life, I sold the other two. Each one was a level up both man and ring.

How much of the £12k has he spent on the ring?!?!?!