DS proposing at 18

[burndelight]

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

I'd probably feel the same as a mother however I met my ex dh at 19 and knew he was the one. We moved in together a couple of years later but waited a few more after that to get married. He's now an ex but we had over 2 decades together that I have absolutely no regrets about and had he not cheated I would still be with him. I'm still single 6 years on and doubt I'll ever find someone I feel the same way about again.

I know so many couples that got together at around age 16 - some have been together for 45 years, some for 10 years. it may be fashionable to play the field and not 'settle' but if you are right for each other, why not?

it's likely they will grow apart naturally as they mature, but maybe they won't. I know a couple who met at 16, who coped with the death of a parent at a young age, uni in different cities, working in different cities. Nothing stopped them from feeling right for each other. Now married and extremely happy.

Ah, bless him! I was the girl in an almost identical scenario. Got engaged on my 18th birthday. We lasted through the 1st year at university, then split up. We stayed friends though - more than 25 years later, we still meet up for a good chat, know each other's spouses, etc.

Getting engaged is simply a statement of commitment at that age, especially when they're both off to pastures new.

Yes, exactly this. It probably won't last, it's likely one of them will get hurt, but people do sometimes marry their first love without anything going wrong.
My DS met his GF at 16 in FE college, went off to University (alone) and came home most weekends to see her. They didn't get engaged for some years but eventually married before he was 30 and now have two children aged 12 and 9.
I think the problem is that a lot of celebrities get "engaged" but don't marry so it seems less of a commitment.

Totally get where you're coming from.

Its not about whether you like her or not. It's about knowing that at 18, we felt like adults and looking back, for lots of us, we realise we were still children!

He may be panicking that she's going to meet someone else at uni and putting a ring on it will minimise that possibility. The folly of youth....

Or he could genuinely believe she's the one, however if that's the case I'd question the timing.

Whatever the reason, I'm with you. I'd be upset. BUT they need to make the town decisions.

He's being sensible, planning on proposing now but not even thinking about marriage until after uni. It's highly unlikely they'll still be together by then but if they are, they've grown up together they know each other well it does happen sometimes, just hope they hold off on DC and enjoy their young lives together first.
I would have some doubts if I was her parents though, that he was 'marking his territory' before she goes to uni without him

I'm with the same man I was with at 17, and was pretty certain then that I wanted to marry him even at that age. Although we've been together for close to a decade and still waiting. We didn't go to uni or college, but most people I know who went did indeed find other people there, even if the relationship was a very strong one. Uni tests the strongest of relationships. I think even now in my 20s my family wouldn't be pleased if we were to marry😂

On the one hand, I can understand your worries. 18 is still very young really and going to uni can change a lot. I changed a lot (not in a bad way!) when I went to uni. I grew up and became more independent as I am sure your son and his gf will.

On the other, he sounds lovely, wanting to make a commitment, speaking with her parents etc. He also suggests they won't marry until they finish uni.

I think, given that they are both 18, I would be supportive of him. Remind him of the need to focus on their courses, being sensible with contraception etc.

It may be they stay together and marry after graduation, they equally may not, but no one can know that now.

As an aside, my mum met my dad when she was 16 and married him at 18. They celebrated their 43rd wedding anniversary last week - so it can work!

“Engagement” is meaningless in modern times and has no legal value.

They may or may not stay together, but “getting engaged” at the moment is no big deal. Lovestruck teens have been doing it for decades. It will work out, or it won’t.

You sound as if you’ve raised a very decent chap. He obviously wants to make her feel secure.

It's far far too young but I would just encourage him to take his time and have a looooong engagement. It probably won't last through uni and if it does, fair play to them 🤷‍♀️

Be careful OP - I think you should stay out of it and be pleased for him if that’s what he wants to do. You will only upset him (and her ultimately) if you start to pull your face about it … and that won’t end well for you, I’m sure!

look at it this way; it will either work out and they will love happily ever after, or it won’t and going to uni is a good test of that.

I have been with my husband for 17 years, we met at 16 and both went to universities at opposite ends of the country. It can and does work sometimes.

also - my parents resented when I got engaged at 19. I never understood why they had to ruin that special occasion for us and - although I’d never hold it against them openly - I still harbour some resentment towards them. Don’t make that mistake.

I'd say be supportive but not encouraging. And tell him that plan to wait will they've finished uni is a good one. It might end, it might not. Better to keep them close and guide towards logn engagement than say that you're not supporting them.

I met my DH at 19, he was 24. My father thought for several years that he was wrong for me but my mother always loved him.
We've had ups and downs over the years, with time out for bad behaviour, but have been married for over 48 years. I think this is largely luck but we get on. It could equally well not have lasted but I'm glad it did.

I got engaged when I was 21 and am still married 20 years later. I have friends who coupled up in sixth form, got engaged at 18 and who are happily married to this day. Actually, my PIL were 17 when they married and are still together. Unusual doesn't equal wrong...

I suspect that some of your concerns, @burndelight are more to do with, if/when it all comes crashing to a terrible halt - you and your husband will lose your friends. That your long-standing friendship will be uncomfortable, awkward, and irretrievably broken, because an engagement or a marriage between your son and their daughter's ended.

Actually, I get that. The kids dating...? Eh, it's nothing serious, is it...? Just a bit of heart-warming fun! Now that their 'A'-levels are over, and they're legally adults (although still very young, incredibly sheltered, and about to discover that the real world of uni... is nothing like they've actually imagined it to be!), it's natural that they're making these plans. They're a safety net for one another. And that is very sweet, but probably unrealistic in the long-term.

Sometimes these things do work out (my mother was 19 and my father 22 when they met... and they were husband and wife 6 weeks to the day later! 53 years on, they're still together) - but very often... they don't. My son's father and I were 11 when we first met, dated on/off between 14 and 20, 21 when we got together "properly", 28 when our son was born, and 33 when we split because he cheated. Apparently (according to his mother) I "held him back". If anything, it was the other way around. He travelled, but I went to university. He went out with his mates, I stayed home with the children (I have a daughter from a relationship that went sour when I was 18/19). He was free... I had all the responsibilities. One of my oldest friends met a boy at 18, married him at 22 and was divorced by 24 because she felt stifled by him. Another friend met her husband at 4, we're all now 46/47 and they've been (very happily) married for 25 years with two lovely daughters.

It's swings and roundabouts, OP, and unfortunately you don't know which way this is going to blow. You don't want your son hurt, you don't want to lose your friendship with the girl's parents. All you can do, is trust that your son knows what he's doing, advise for a long engagement, and support them in this. University and the different sets of friends they'll make may well tear them apart - but they're clinging to the familiarity of one another, because of how anxious this first step towards leaving home and growing up is making them.

As long as the holiday isn't to Vegas, it'll work itself out gradually, I'd imagine.

And no; it's not easy. My son's 18 and the thought of him tying himself to one person for the rest of his life at this age is... downright terrifying. I get it, OP as do most of the other posters.

50 years ago this June DH and I got engaged just before my 18th and DH was 17yrs and 4months. His mother went ape-shit, mine just went with the flow she had got engaged at 16 and married at 18 herself. It's our golden wedding next year sadly DM died 12 years but his is still alive but he disowned her years ago, he resented her attitude to me and her hypocrisy as she had got married herself at 17 . Just let him love who he wants to, if it's meant to last it will. If you oppose it he won't forget it, he is a legal adult and his decision should be respected. My own DS got married at 18 it didn't last but second time round he's very happy. DH and I supported him both times and we are close as a family. Adult children need to make their own decisions that is how they learn. Don't worry it will work out.

I was engaged at 18 and married at 21. We were married thirty years until he died. Engagement is not a legal contract, and I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

I got engaged at 18 and married at 21 I’m still with my husband.

I wouldn’t worry OP. They’ll almost certainly split up once they go to uni, and as long as they don’t actually get married, then there’s nothing legal to worry about,

He's an adult. Back out of it. I also met my husband at 14, he proposed at 18, we married straight after uni, 2 kids and 33 years later, we've had good times and bad, but we would never be apart. Some kids just know... and if they don't... so what. They will break up and you can support them but tey bot to be the person remembered at their silver wedding anniversary as the arsehole who came between them.

My Mum used to say "it's not as if the wedding is tomorrow", I've seen others talk about putting things in a box and actioning it when it needs action.

I was with the same guy for most of uni, we broke up and I got engaged to someone else within months and am still married to him twenty-five years later...

Don't fight this. It might end wonderfully and I have friends who are still married now after meeting at school. I have friends who found they changed at Uni and mutually parted ways. It's an important part of life to experience and if you interfere it will just estrange you from your DS.

I taught a lad who was married by 18. Not a "shotgun wedding" or anything either, he and his wife had known each other right through school and had decided that was what they wanted. Their parents decided to allow it, and as far as I know they are still together in their 30s.

Cousin, who was a wild child, married at 17, had four children. She’s still very happy with husband and lots of grandkids 40 years later. There is no right age to meeting the ‘right one’. It’s a bit of luck at any age, for sure.

Some people get engaged before 20 and are still with their partner 30/40/50 + years later

Some people get engaged at 30 years old just to separate not that long after

Some couples go long distance for years and make it work whilst some couples can live in the same town and end up breaking up

It is different for everyone. Most people will give opinions on what their experience was, if they didn’t meet the one until later of course they’re going to say 18 is far too young. Well we all met our partners in my friendship group whilst in college and here we are all married with children.

I got engaged at 25 and married at 26. So not too young at all in my eyes, but some people still had their judgements on that.

He's an adult? I'm confused. What is wrong with your adult son getting engaged to his long term girlfriend? Cut the apron strings, jesus. I've been with my partner since I was younger than your son and we've built a whole family these some 15 years, so imagining it's foolish and won't work out is immature of you. Leave them be.