DS proposing at 18

[burndelight]

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

A lot of us get 'engaged' young but it doesn't amount to anything/go anywhere in the end.

All the "we're going to love each other forever" relationships I knew as they went off to uni, only two survived beyond the first year. Most failed in the first term.

There are exceptions-just as you wouldn't think that two 16yos marrying for the main reason that they had a baby on the way, with no housing or jobs or qualifications would last. My Uncle and Aunt have just celebrated their golden wedding.
However they wouldn't advise that for anyone.

I was engaged at 18, married at 21, been married 9 years now and still very much in love.

Yes at 18 they are very young ( extremely young ) but he is classed as an adult .

When you are that age , you think what you are , is how you will always be . I'm sure most on here will agree you change , you are not the same at 22 /28 and so on .
You probably can't change his mind but more than likely her parents will try to put her off doing this .
He could also be ' staking his claim ' on her so that uni shenanigans with any new shiny potential partners don't happen.
You could tell him whilst you don't think it's the best idea , you respect his decision and will support him.

❤️❤️❤️

Getting engaged without a clear plan and set date for a wedding, is a meaningless state. Don't stress about it, there's a 99% chance they'll have split by Christmas anyway.

Seriously, what is the point? Marriage could arguably be needed, or at least convenient , for those with:
religious beliefs/hangups
assets
children
If they don't have significant assets or children and aren't going to have any for several years, and are not devoutly religious, then just ... why?
Why not wait til 25 and see if they are still compatible then.

Oh this is lovely. You should be happy for them OP. DH and I got married when I was still at uni, he was doing his masters by then and I did mine after that. 15 years and 4 children (and 4 degrees) later we are very happy and in love and built our life, careers and finances together which means we are in a much better position than most my age.

You need to tell them congratulations and support them in setting up their life together. If you don't they'll always remember how you treated them in this time.

To be honest, let them get engaged if that's what they both want, but from personal experience, my ds was going out with someone for 2 1/2 years, they'd known each other forever and her mum was a friend of mine. She ditched my ds on his 21st birthday and slept with his best friend, ds had been living with her and suddenly found himself homeless in the middle of the night because she decided she couldn't bear to have him in their shared accommodation anymore.
So, make sure he knows what to do if the relationship does crumble and consider living seperately even though it might seem a good idea to save money.

"Let them"

They are adults ffs 🤦‍♀️

Apologies @mummyoffourminimes I didn't check the syntax of my post before posting , I don't mean let them as in they need to ask permission, more that it's something they can do anyway... Not really sure why you jumped on 2 small words

No they won’t. If they live together in a house share, they will not be joint tenants, but have own tenancy agreements. One gives notice and moves out and the remaining flat mates get a new flat mate.

Students get new accommodation all the time.

@burndelight
If it was on a whim then I would say omg and hasn't know the person long enough

However as you put on, it seems that's a very good basis for the friendship group and relationship, all being well and if no one has affairs then all should be good and happy marriage.

Besides op how many people on here waited and thought their partner was the one for the them, got married and it all went pickles.

You'll not convince him otherwise so you have to support him OP. Anything else would just drive a wedge.

At 18, I felt I'd never love anyone more than my BF at the time and my parents scoffed at us. We've been together 17 years now and I've never doubted out relationship. Even when you're young, sometimes you just know.

Your last paragraph says it all! Age is not neccessarily an indicator for a happy marriage. There are infinite variables in life.

I know a couple that got together at 14 and 15, lived together whilst at uni, got engaged while at uni and are now married with children in their late twenties.

Most people said it wouldn’t last for them and that they were stupid for choosing to get a flat together at uni rather than halls but it’s proof that sometimes it does work.

Your son sounds sensible and I’d much rather have a son in a stable, committed relationship at uni rather than having loads of partners. If it doesn’t work out it’s not like they’re getting married in the immediate future. I’d be supportive whilst also offering some words of caution.

Have you tried to secure student accommodation in a major university city in the last 2-3 years? In July-August it is difficult. In February-March it is near impossible. If either of their universities guarantee accommodation for first years and they plan to forego this to live together then they are mad. First years rarely live in house shares.

Exactly. It’s a terrible, terrible idea, and I say that as someone who met my now-husband in my second year at university. But we both went our own way for years, lived in different countries pursuing our own stuff, and didn’t get married (without ever being engaged) till we were in our 30s.

Tying someone down at the exact point when they should be flying free, as a teenager is a bad notion. For both of them.

I got engaged on my 18th. It fell apart when I was 19 and my fiancee went to Uni and he played around with a housemate. I finished it because he wasn't honest, but it cut deep (still remember what it was like and I'm in my 50s now!). We were well suited but lifestyle changes at that age was the killer. I know quite a few friends still married having let at school but they never went away to Uni.

So, support him, but expect problems if they have a lot of changes ahead and be ready to catch him if it fails later on. To be honest, engagements aren't an issue - they are easily reversible.

What are you worried about? It does seem young but I got together with my husband when we were both 15. He didn't propose until we were 26!! But we were always going to get married. They can always change their minds - a proposal isn't the same commitment as a marriage.

I agree.

An 18 year old proposing isn’t doing it for the right reasons.

I’m guessing they’ve either not had sex yet and this is a good way to persuade her or he’s insecure about her meeting new people now she’s moving on in the world and going to a different uni.

I'm sorry, it seems like it's not a rush to marry but more a show of commitment, which I think is OK. They're 18, young yes but still adults. If they wish to commit to each other and all is good in the relationship, try not to worry. If this was an intention to marry her within a year, for example, my opinion would be different.
My close friends got engaged in their first year of uni, both 18, had been together 3 years at that point. They married at 27. It was a wonderful day, thanks to saving for 9 years! They'd always planned to marry but explained from the start that it was a long engagement.

Smile and support and nod.

Just like my Mum did when I got engaged at 16. I was single and unmarried by 18.

Only panic if they actually start planning a real wedding!

Completely off topic but did he already buy a ring? Just me being nosy 🙈

They are very young. I thought I’d marry my boyfriend when I was 18. He got me a pretty ring but it was more like a promise ring- far from an engagement. Then we went to uni and I discovered a whole new world. It’ll be interesting to see how her parents react. No doubt you’ll be getting a call from them.

I'm in my 50s and of all the people I know I can think of only 3 couples that have been together since they were 18. I can think of far more couples that got engaged and married young who ended up divorced. Most teenage relationships do not result in happy marriages.

I'd be insisting they had separate accommodation (and since I'd be paying for it what I say goes) and be quite blunt about that being because most relationships don't survive Uni and so it's good to have the option of space even if you're constantly together. Sell it as 'if you love her you'll let her be free'. I did a PhD and even as post graduates in our mid 20s we ALL split up with our boyfriends and girlfriends from our previous Uni and reshuffled and then got together with someone from our new Uni.