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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This friend winds me up a bit

172 replies

luftt · 30/06/2023 13:55

I know it's me and it shouldn't matter, but I have this friend / acquaintance I have mixed feelings about sometimes.

I have a three year old and a one year old and she has just a one year old. We met through baby class.

Some things we choose to do slightly differently. I don't like to lecture other parents about how they choose to do stuff, but feel like she pulls me up on stuff sometimes and I don't really like it.

For example my babies both had walkers and bouncers ( like a jumperoo ) and when this friend realised she had to remind me that it's not advised and she won't be using them. She also thinks dummies aren't good, both mine have / had dummies.

She's very against any kind of sleep training and thinks it's really cruel to let a baby cry even a little bit, whilst you get something for them ( like milk ).

I only contact napped with my baby when he was really young. I don't have time to do it anymore. She's nap trapped a lot and talks about it all the time and acted surprised that I put my baby to sleep alone from 6 months.

When it comes to weaning, she thinks I do it all wrong and she seems disapproving of how I weaned my children and what I feed them. She's into baby led weaning. I did my own mixed approach with both of mine and they seem fine. My three year old is picky and she has made it clear she thinks it's because I didn't wean her the right way. I did give her a lot of veggies and she just became picky we she grew up. She's insinuated on more than one occasion that it's because of me and even asked me when I first gave her sweet stuff. I said, not before she was well over 1. She clearly thinks I was packing in cakes and chocolate tor her before 1 and that's why she has a sweet tooth now. I don't talk about my 3 year old fussiness, but she's noticed it occasionally and has insinuated that I effed up on weaning her.

When it came to my son, she was also always saying stuff like ' oh is he eaten by XZY big thing yet ? ' like meat off a bone for example. Eh no. I took it really slow with solids with mine and he eats just what every other baby eats now, even if I didn't start him with finger foods as soon as he hit 6 months.

My son now eats what we eat and he's a really good eater at the moment. So was my daughter at his age. We went around for dinner the other day and she kept asking if she should give him some baby food. I said, that he's just fine to eat what we are eating. I had seen the food and saw it being prepared, it was really fine for him to eat. She kept saying ' does he not want to eat this baby stuff here ? ' . I just gave him what we ate and he was happy to munch away. I feel like she didn't think the food we were eating is appropriate for a 1 year old, but to me it was.

I feel on edge and judged for how I choose to parent my kids. For what it's worth, my kids both had a Walker and bouncer and they both walked young. Not that I'm bragging, but they say that using a Walker can delay waking (not in our case).

I do like spending time with her and I shouldn't care. Why does it matter ? So she thinks she's better/ doing better things. So what ?

OP posts:
TinkerbellPeter · 30/06/2023 13:58

Oh she sounds like hard work. Obviously noone taught her manners? Are you sure you want to continue this friendship. Personally I wouldn't have time for that and would just go LC, eventually NC, rather than have any type of confrontation.

ManateeFair · 30/06/2023 14:01

Christ, she sounds fucking unbearable

billy1966 · 30/06/2023 14:01

Competitive critical parenting is beyond dull and those that do it should be actively avoided.

I would have cut her off a long time ago.

I had zero interest in listening to women like that.

She gets her self worth from criticising others and it will likely continue.

Back away is my advice.

BallantyneValentine · 30/06/2023 14:01

Sounds oppressive. I’d be out of there looking for more chilled out mums.

FurryPelmet · 30/06/2023 14:03

Yeah, I’d reduce the time I spend with her. The longer this goes on, the more your parenting is going to be picked apart and it won’t be nice when she finally says something that really hits a nerve.

BridgetsBigPants · 30/06/2023 14:14

Urgh I couldn't deal with that. I hate competitive parenting. For what it's worth though, I think the people that do it are often quite insecure about their own choices. To reassure themselves that they are doing the "right" thing, they have to critique what you do. Even though the reality is there are a million different ways to raise a child and the only "right" way, is whatever works for you and your family.

chezpopbang · 30/06/2023 14:15

It's so easy to be a perfect mum when your child is one and will eat everything. It is a known fact that as children grow and get to 3ish they realise they have choices and control. It is a stage of development to refuse food you offer. The whole point to baby led weaning is to give your child the food you are eating. So I think it's great you can do that. I followed a lot of the same approach you did with food and walkers etc and experienced some of the same judgement. Honestly in some cases I've just ignored it or in the moment said something. Some people I have just slowly dropped from my life because I can't be bothered with it.

Outandup · 30/06/2023 14:16

She sounds insufferable and such a bore. Back away and find some new friends who aren’t so judgmental. I’ve been there and it got worse and worse, then she moved away and the peace I found from not having my every move with DC judged felt so good.

If you are not prepared to reduce contact or walk away then you need to politely but firmly tell her to stop commenting on your parenting and you both agree to disagree.

Didtheythough · 30/06/2023 14:17

Id find that really hard work and probably cool the friendship for a while. Pick it back up when her baby is 2 and has stopped eating anything but petit filous and pink wafers.

Hugasauras · 30/06/2023 14:21

Sounds like way too much hassle and hard work. She's got a case of the smuggos- the easy first baby where you don't understand why everyone doesn't parent like you do because look how simple it is to do all this stuff?!

She sounds like a judgemental passive aggressive twat. Having a baby seems to bring that out in some people, sadly. I think some is probably insecurity.

Hibiscrubbed · 30/06/2023 14:23

She’s wildly insecure.

YukoandHiro · 30/06/2023 14:25

Just look forward to her having a second with a different personality and all her "perfect" parenting gets her nowhere

luftt · 30/06/2023 15:03

It's tough ! My DD ate really well until she was just under two and then started being fussy. I'm not smug about the fact my son currently eats well. I'm not snug about anything's

OP posts:
Nowtbettertodo · 30/06/2023 15:05

I do like spending time with her

Why?

luftt · 30/06/2023 15:10

The other thing she's started doing recently is talking ALL the time about how happy she is to go to the office and how life changing it is.

I work from home only and I quite like it. It suits me well at this time in my life. She's always saying ' i couldn't do it ' it's such a shame you don't go to an office etc.

I said, I am actually ok with it. It was fine the first time she mentioned it, but now she keeps bringing it up and keep putting down my working form home in a way, it's also starting to grate on me a bit.

OP posts:
mytitshaveshrunk · 30/06/2023 15:12

Ditch the bitch

DinkeyDonkey · 30/06/2023 15:14

Just tell her "It's okay if we do things differently and I don't think one way is right and one way is wrong"

luftt · 30/06/2023 15:20

mytitshaveshrunk · 30/06/2023 15:12

Ditch the bitch

Haha this post has left me thinking why do I spend time with her if it leaves me feeling a bit looked down on and judged.

OP posts:
Doliveira · 30/06/2023 15:26

She loves the office because she’s nap trapped and fenced in by her own structure of Parenting Shoulds. If she’s a nice person, try to joke her out of it, send her up a bit.
You don’t have to take what she says seriously. let her know that!

Skodacool · 30/06/2023 15:26

BridgetsBigPants · 30/06/2023 14:14

Urgh I couldn't deal with that. I hate competitive parenting. For what it's worth though, I think the people that do it are often quite insecure about their own choices. To reassure themselves that they are doing the "right" thing, they have to critique what you do. Even though the reality is there are a million different ways to raise a child and the only "right" way, is whatever works for you and your family.

This was my first thought. She’s worried that she’s doing it wrong because you seem to be coping well. It would, however, irritate me and I might be inclined to ask her if she realises that she’s coming across as quite rude.

MeinKraft · 30/06/2023 15:31

If she's nice other than the sanctimommy stuff I would probably keep her as a friend and wait for her to have a second which will inevitably sort out the smug attitude!

I think we all look back and cringe at things we said with our PFBs don't we?

luftt · 30/06/2023 15:32

@Skodacool I don't know. I think she looks at my 3 year old and thinks that her child will never be like that with food. Then she looks at my 1 year old and thinks ' aw yeah that's why 3 year old is fussy '. Although, I don't give 1 year old sweets and stuff like that yet etc.so her theory is wrong, because my 1 year old eats everything ! So did my 3 year old when she was 1 !

I think she thinks I'm pretty rubbish to be honest.

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 30/06/2023 15:32

It's a classic case of FTM Vs already a mum.

First kid, I obsessed over everything and wanted to do everything by the book. It was my way of making sure I was being the best mum I could.

Second kid, books long closed and he just had to go along with it! I was totally different.

I'd just tell her, look friend, she's your first and I get that you've done loads of reading and don't agree with some of my methods, but honestly, once you have more and they get older, you soon realise none of it really matters.

Coffeaddict · 30/06/2023 15:33

Like everyone else has said just no. I can't be dealing with this competitive parenting bullshit.

Also a huge amount depends on the kid. If I had my second first I could be very smug about how easy it is to get a baby to sleep but alas my eldest didn't know the meaning of sleep. Tried all the same things he just didn't sleep. My point is all kids are different and all will present their own challenges that we muddle through as best we can. Just wait till her little angel starts talking back.

Daffodildilys · 30/06/2023 15:34

She doesn’t sound a very nice friend tbh.

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