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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This friend winds me up a bit

172 replies

luftt · 30/06/2023 13:55

I know it's me and it shouldn't matter, but I have this friend / acquaintance I have mixed feelings about sometimes.

I have a three year old and a one year old and she has just a one year old. We met through baby class.

Some things we choose to do slightly differently. I don't like to lecture other parents about how they choose to do stuff, but feel like she pulls me up on stuff sometimes and I don't really like it.

For example my babies both had walkers and bouncers ( like a jumperoo ) and when this friend realised she had to remind me that it's not advised and she won't be using them. She also thinks dummies aren't good, both mine have / had dummies.

She's very against any kind of sleep training and thinks it's really cruel to let a baby cry even a little bit, whilst you get something for them ( like milk ).

I only contact napped with my baby when he was really young. I don't have time to do it anymore. She's nap trapped a lot and talks about it all the time and acted surprised that I put my baby to sleep alone from 6 months.

When it comes to weaning, she thinks I do it all wrong and she seems disapproving of how I weaned my children and what I feed them. She's into baby led weaning. I did my own mixed approach with both of mine and they seem fine. My three year old is picky and she has made it clear she thinks it's because I didn't wean her the right way. I did give her a lot of veggies and she just became picky we she grew up. She's insinuated on more than one occasion that it's because of me and even asked me when I first gave her sweet stuff. I said, not before she was well over 1. She clearly thinks I was packing in cakes and chocolate tor her before 1 and that's why she has a sweet tooth now. I don't talk about my 3 year old fussiness, but she's noticed it occasionally and has insinuated that I effed up on weaning her.

When it came to my son, she was also always saying stuff like ' oh is he eaten by XZY big thing yet ? ' like meat off a bone for example. Eh no. I took it really slow with solids with mine and he eats just what every other baby eats now, even if I didn't start him with finger foods as soon as he hit 6 months.

My son now eats what we eat and he's a really good eater at the moment. So was my daughter at his age. We went around for dinner the other day and she kept asking if she should give him some baby food. I said, that he's just fine to eat what we are eating. I had seen the food and saw it being prepared, it was really fine for him to eat. She kept saying ' does he not want to eat this baby stuff here ? ' . I just gave him what we ate and he was happy to munch away. I feel like she didn't think the food we were eating is appropriate for a 1 year old, but to me it was.

I feel on edge and judged for how I choose to parent my kids. For what it's worth, my kids both had a Walker and bouncer and they both walked young. Not that I'm bragging, but they say that using a Walker can delay waking (not in our case).

I do like spending time with her and I shouldn't care. Why does it matter ? So she thinks she's better/ doing better things. So what ?

OP posts:
CurlyTandtheTangles · 02/07/2023 22:54

If you actually like her then meet up without your children- meal out, cinema, comedy club, walk etc.
Otherwise you answer back or stop seeing her.

Hawkins0001 · 02/07/2023 22:55

I guess everyone has different points

PizzaPizza56 · 02/07/2023 22:56

I'm not going to lie, she's sounds exactly like me!

I've naturally gravitated towards other mums that also do the whole contact napping, BLW, no cry it out, no containers etc. Not because I care what other mums do, but because it's easier to talk to and relate to mums who are doing the same thing as me at this moment in time.

If I was you I'd do the same, go look for the laid back mums and let her find her own mum tribe!

NotMyFinestMoment · 02/07/2023 22:56

She doesn't really sound like a friend. She sounds like a judgmental know it all. Personally I would drop her.

Womensrightsaretheanswer · 02/07/2023 22:58

Pizza, can you see how doing all those things becomes so much harder when you have more than one tiny child?

PizzaPizza56 · 02/07/2023 22:59

You take them with you. They don't cry and learn about using the toilet at the same time. Win/win!

Womensrightsaretheanswer · 02/07/2023 23:02

Well how many kids do you have right now? And what ages? I never ever left my children to cry if it could be prevented and this was back in the early 90's, but trying this be too perfect and too giving can lead to a nervous breakdown when you have a few kids. Seriously. I'm not even sure anymore that it was right for my kids. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Womensrightsaretheanswer · 02/07/2023 23:04

I had a good friend tell me that my eldest child needed more attention than it was humanly possible to give. She might have been right. I'm now on the OP's side of the fence in that I think our grandmothers knew what they were doing and you can mix it up a bit.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 02/07/2023 23:05

NadjaCravensworth1 · 02/07/2023 21:31

She does sound intolerable but if you want to keep her in your life then have an honest conversation and just say it makes you feel a bit shit when she judges your parenting. She might not realise she's doing it.

Yes, just tell her. If she is a true friend, she'll apologise and wind her neck in

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 23:25

Dump the chump.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/07/2023 23:26

luftt · 30/06/2023 15:20

Haha this post has left me thinking why do I spend time with her if it leaves me feeling a bit looked down on and judged.

that is exactly what I was thinking too!

I know it's me and it shouldn't matter, but I have this friend / acquaintance I have mixed feelings about sometimes.

When I saw this, I thought who has made you think that its "only" you and so it shouldn't matter if you don't like something, or that you are making a fuss. Think about what it means for you to say "its me and it should'nt matter" Who taught you to think that you don't matter? Or that its "nice" or "polite" to be so self effacing. You matter every bit as much as any of your friends. You thoughts and feelings are important and you need to listen to what they are telling you and give them the credence they deserve.

You are already putting yourself down, nevermind your friend doing it, right there in the first sentence.

That is why this "friend" has picked up on this, latched onto you and is is digging in and taking apart your confidence in what you do.

You sound like quite a gentle person who wants to be friendly and supportive. Unfortunately, you've come up against a competitive parent, who doesn't seem to appreciate this and makes themselves feel better by putting others down.

Please realise that she simply doesn't have a leg to stand on! You have successfully brought up a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old and have much more experience than her. Yet she thinks that she knows better. It is absolutely ridiculous.

Seek out people who make you feel better, not those who do you down all the time. It's so boring dealing with them. She has zero manners so stop being "polite" and tell her frankly how this drip-stream of criticism is not helping your friendship. She's not your supervisor or mother or employer. She's just a less experienced mother at playgroup and you don't have to put up with this. Good Luck!

SheerLucks · 02/07/2023 23:27

billy1966 · 30/06/2023 14:01

Competitive critical parenting is beyond dull and those that do it should be actively avoided.

I would have cut her off a long time ago.

I had zero interest in listening to women like that.

She gets her self worth from criticising others and it will likely continue.

Back away is my advice.

This absolutely. It's basically bullying IMO. I would move on and find some nicer friends - you sound like you're doing great.

Segway16 · 02/07/2023 23:27

I have a friend like this. She has just had her first baby and has adopted the attitude that as a veteran parent of several whole months, her experience is far superior to mine.

I can’t wait until she realises it’s all bollocks and perfect first born will end up having a tantrum cause he doesn’t want to eat broccoli, or that the only way to drink a hot coffee sometimes is to put Peppa Pig on, just like everyone else.

If she makes you feel like shit, don’t spend time with her. You won’t win any prizes for putting up with her.

SpaceCorpsDirective1742 · 02/07/2023 23:44

She sound like one of THOSE people. Running her friends down to validate her own decisions.

Step away, I promise you will feel only relief.

user1492757084 · 02/07/2023 23:52

Could you not ask her to please stop talking about YOU as it upsets you and you don't wish to be upset but just wish to enjoy her friendship.

Say that your friendship needs to recognise that you both differ in your approach to nearly everything but you love each other all the same.

Ask if you two can make a pact for good. A pact that you will only say uplifting things to each other. Set a code signal - like the peace sign - that either of you can show to indicate that that line of discussion is bringing you down and to please switch to a healthy confidence boosting conversation.

Your friend sounds like she loves strategy so the pact and code might work wonders.

Your friend seems like she has never learnt to notice small reactions of her friends or nuances which guide her being polite or not. Is she on the spectrum?

Mothership4two · 03/07/2023 00:37

I try to avoid people like this, the smug experts and "I'm always right" (even when they are quite patently not) brigade. They are insufferable and usually hard work.

Continually giving uncalled for and unsolicited advice is just rude and belittling

MrsRaspberry · 03/07/2023 00:46

Your mate sounds like a judgmental twat to be honest its not her place to be telling you how to parent your kids. Shes not a real friend at all if shes making you feel crap. My now 9year old was a really good eater at a year old too i could feed her pretty much anything but she hit around 2 and became such a picky eater and is still picky now. A few ask me if i delayed weaning(i didn't) and say its possibly a reason why shes fussy now. Some kids just dont like to try new things. I'd tell her wait til her kid gets picky and she'll soon regret being a judgmental cow. I can't stand people like her who become parents and start thinking they know better than everyone else. I don't know how you've kept your cool for this long. Next time she opens her mouth with a judging comment tell her you don't want her advice or opinion cos its not useful

Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 00:51

PizzaPizza56 · 02/07/2023 22:56

I'm not going to lie, she's sounds exactly like me!

I've naturally gravitated towards other mums that also do the whole contact napping, BLW, no cry it out, no containers etc. Not because I care what other mums do, but because it's easier to talk to and relate to mums who are doing the same thing as me at this moment in time.

If I was you I'd do the same, go look for the laid back mums and let her find her own mum tribe!

Do you only ever have conversations with other women about kids and babies?

Also wtf is a mum tribe?

ClairDeLaLune · 03/07/2023 00:59

luftt · 30/06/2023 15:10

The other thing she's started doing recently is talking ALL the time about how happy she is to go to the office and how life changing it is.

I work from home only and I quite like it. It suits me well at this time in my life. She's always saying ' i couldn't do it ' it's such a shame you don't go to an office etc.

I said, I am actually ok with it. It was fine the first time she mentioned it, but now she keeps bringing it up and keep putting down my working form home in a way, it's also starting to grate on me a bit.

She’s jealous OP. And insecure. I honestly don’t know how you’ve put up with her until now.

ClairDeLaLune · 03/07/2023 01:01

PizzaPizza56 · 02/07/2023 22:56

I'm not going to lie, she's sounds exactly like me!

I've naturally gravitated towards other mums that also do the whole contact napping, BLW, no cry it out, no containers etc. Not because I care what other mums do, but because it's easier to talk to and relate to mums who are doing the same thing as me at this moment in time.

If I was you I'd do the same, go look for the laid back mums and let her find her own mum tribe!

No containers?? Eh you what, now? What’s this @PizzaPizza56?

Kokeshi123 · 03/07/2023 03:31

ClairDeLaLune · 03/07/2023 01:01

No containers?? Eh you what, now? What’s this @PizzaPizza56?

I think she means not putting babies in swings, bouncers, jumperoos etc.

Clars10 · 03/07/2023 05:13

First speak with her.. tell her specifically that “can you stop talking about MY work, it works for me and I am fine”
Next time she mentioned something about your babies, you can use the same condescending tone and say “when you have a second one you will understand”
She doesn’t sound much as your friend, but in all fairness if you have never spoke that it bothers you, then she may not be aware

LunaTheCat · 03/07/2023 06:06

ManateeFair · 30/06/2023 14:01

Christ, she sounds fucking unbearable

🤣🤣
Absolutely.. you are a wonderful parent , doing your best, your children are happy and healthy.

HarrisJu · 03/07/2023 06:08

@roseopose your answer to your friend asking how is potty training etc going should be ‘as expected.’ Let her scratch her head over it.

WasJuliaRight · 03/07/2023 06:08

Could you not question her on her manner and tell her how she makes you feel? Call her out on it.

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