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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This friend winds me up a bit

172 replies

luftt · 30/06/2023 13:55

I know it's me and it shouldn't matter, but I have this friend / acquaintance I have mixed feelings about sometimes.

I have a three year old and a one year old and she has just a one year old. We met through baby class.

Some things we choose to do slightly differently. I don't like to lecture other parents about how they choose to do stuff, but feel like she pulls me up on stuff sometimes and I don't really like it.

For example my babies both had walkers and bouncers ( like a jumperoo ) and when this friend realised she had to remind me that it's not advised and she won't be using them. She also thinks dummies aren't good, both mine have / had dummies.

She's very against any kind of sleep training and thinks it's really cruel to let a baby cry even a little bit, whilst you get something for them ( like milk ).

I only contact napped with my baby when he was really young. I don't have time to do it anymore. She's nap trapped a lot and talks about it all the time and acted surprised that I put my baby to sleep alone from 6 months.

When it comes to weaning, she thinks I do it all wrong and she seems disapproving of how I weaned my children and what I feed them. She's into baby led weaning. I did my own mixed approach with both of mine and they seem fine. My three year old is picky and she has made it clear she thinks it's because I didn't wean her the right way. I did give her a lot of veggies and she just became picky we she grew up. She's insinuated on more than one occasion that it's because of me and even asked me when I first gave her sweet stuff. I said, not before she was well over 1. She clearly thinks I was packing in cakes and chocolate tor her before 1 and that's why she has a sweet tooth now. I don't talk about my 3 year old fussiness, but she's noticed it occasionally and has insinuated that I effed up on weaning her.

When it came to my son, she was also always saying stuff like ' oh is he eaten by XZY big thing yet ? ' like meat off a bone for example. Eh no. I took it really slow with solids with mine and he eats just what every other baby eats now, even if I didn't start him with finger foods as soon as he hit 6 months.

My son now eats what we eat and he's a really good eater at the moment. So was my daughter at his age. We went around for dinner the other day and she kept asking if she should give him some baby food. I said, that he's just fine to eat what we are eating. I had seen the food and saw it being prepared, it was really fine for him to eat. She kept saying ' does he not want to eat this baby stuff here ? ' . I just gave him what we ate and he was happy to munch away. I feel like she didn't think the food we were eating is appropriate for a 1 year old, but to me it was.

I feel on edge and judged for how I choose to parent my kids. For what it's worth, my kids both had a Walker and bouncer and they both walked young. Not that I'm bragging, but they say that using a Walker can delay waking (not in our case).

I do like spending time with her and I shouldn't care. Why does it matter ? So she thinks she's better/ doing better things. So what ?

OP posts:
FuckTheLemonsandBail · 03/07/2023 08:41

lufft · 03/07/2023 07:34

Recently she also commented she would only do gentle parenting. Just after I told my three year old to stop climbing dangerously on a chair at the restaurant we were eating at. Also I asked her to stop throwing stuff around. I asked her a few times and she was laughing at me and continuing, so I said it in a firmer voice.

I felt judged, yet again. To be fair this time it wasn't her fault. Her husband asked her if she would be OK if he were to speak firmly one day to their baby if required. She said no, because she wants to do gentle parenting and wants to just let her child do what he wants and follow his interests and choices. I said, I am a gentle mother in general - but kids do need to hearNO sometimes and they need to know boundaries and that's also OK. Especially when in public, they need to learn how to behave properly in order not to do dangerous things and not to bother people around them.

She has totally misunderstood gentle parenting there!

LGBirmingham · 03/07/2023 09:10

I just have one 2.5 year old and have so far been a bit of a mish mash parent. Just trying things and seeing what works. I haven't left ds crying but aside from that I've probably tried everything. The parents I've found the hardest to connect with are the ones who are very set on a method and become evangelical about it.

One neighbour I really connected with when ours were newborns - then she started worshipping at the church of Gina Ford and became judgemental and unbearable and I had to distance myself. I had pna from ds being very ill when he was born and then having terrible silent reflux and her constant questioning and subsequent judging of my choices was just too much. I just had to do what kept him and me alive and semi-sane.

He was combi fed, refused a dummy despite many attempts, contact napped untill it didn't make any difference as it helped me not get so anxious, we didn't cosleep much because it didn't seem to make much difference, we did blw because he refused a spoon and it was easier, i nightweaned at 15 months and fully weaned a month ago.

Op I think if she is bringing you down and you don't want to discuss it with her then just distancing yourself for your sanity is fine.

ElsieMc · 03/07/2023 09:14

Oh dear, I went through this many years ago with one acquaintance and my MIL. The issue is not your parenting because it affects her in no way whatsoever. The issue is you and putting you down. It has now moved on from your imaginary defects as a parent to your work life. Just get rid. She is needy, judgy and does not make you feel good about yourself.

I had a world of my dd not talking soon enough, not walking quickly enough , not eating the right things, not being potty trained at 18 months etc. Bore off. Kids go to school walking, talking and eating. What is the rush. Her weird rules are hers, not yours.

Workawayxx · 03/07/2023 09:34

She does sound very annoying! I do think sone people feel insecure in general so constantly have to compare themselves to others as if to prove to themselves that the way they are doing things is “right”.

If you want to stay friends, I’d find a way to grey rock the comparisons - just go “mmmm…” and change the subject or “ah, we all do things our own way…” or something. Hopefully she will het the message. Or just say “well, comparison is the thief of joy!” Every time (or say that in your head).

Most people I know like working from home best or a mix so I’d say she’s definitely trying to spin her life (to herself) as being optimal. It doesn’t change the fact she’s behaving rudely to you though.

Id sort of want to stick around to see karma gets her when her child (or her next) goes through a picky phase which is fairly likely to happen. Most picky toddlers/kids I know were great eaters at 1!

diddl · 03/07/2023 09:57

Sometimes I think you can talk about your kids & what they are up to & to you it's general conversation.

To others it comes across boasting or disapproving of their parenting.

I think it's a case of "knowing your audience" isn't it?

I mean if I choose not to do something that doesn't mean that I think others are wrong for doing it-that's the difference isn't it?

I didn't use dummies, co sleep or do blw-that's just how things went for us.

Doesn't mean that I think any of those things are wrong.

A lot of it I feel was just winging it in the circumstances tbh.

nearlyemptynes · 03/07/2023 10:14

She will learn.........

Bananarepublic · 03/07/2023 10:33

I know someone who got their self worth from their kids. It started off with competitive parenting. The elder child now barely speaks to her because she pushed him so hard. I feel sorry for both of them.

Personally I think it's better to be more relaxed like you are OP. Putting so much pressure on young children to behave a certain way can lead to anxiety and depression.

angela99999 · 03/07/2023 10:42

YukoandHiro · 30/06/2023 14:25

Just look forward to her having a second with a different personality and all her "perfect" parenting gets her nowhere

Yes, this. She'll be feeding her second pink wafers at 9 months to keep it quiet!

viques · 03/07/2023 10:45

Ask her if she has ever thought about having therapy for her insecurity, because she is clearly worrying and fretting excessively about things that are none of her business and that can only be because deep down she is not sure that what she is doing is right.

BMW6 · 03/07/2023 10:47

Bloody hell IP just tell her to STFU.

HMW1906 · 03/07/2023 10:48

Just hold back the smugness until her child turns 2 and lives on a diet of chicken nuggets and chip because that’s all he’ll eat 🤷‍♀️

we did baby led weaning, followed all the guidance on when to introduce sweet foods, etc….my 2.5 year old is still a picky eater… will only eat sweet corn, peas and occasionally carrots, won’t eat any other kind of potato except chips and won’t eat chicken unless it is nugget shaped and has breadcrumbs on it….although he is partial to a chicken tikka masala occasionally.

Obviously I don’t just feed him chicken nuggets and chips but he is ridiculously picky despite baby led weaning, maybe I was just unlucky with it but I think all this promotion of it stopping kids being picky is a load of rubbish. I’ve got a second chance to get it right with his 4 month old brother soon so we’ll see how it works out the second time 🙈

Maddy70 · 03/07/2023 10:49

Just say we'll this suits me....

Repeat

MadamPickle · 03/07/2023 11:10

She's far less experienced than you and it's obviously important to her to believe that you can control everything, when you can't and that she's a better mother than you despite not knowing the first thing about parenting a 3 YO. Saw it in my own family because I had 2 before the others had any.

Time and a bit of distance needed IMO

ModestMoon · 03/07/2023 13:27

The only mum friendships I invested time in were built on mutual support and encouragement. With a good ol' dose of moaning and ranting, of course.

Don't waste your energy on friends who make your life worse. Don't waste your time on friends who only use you as a way of making themselves feel better. True friendships are ones where you each get value from the others company, and each genuinely care about and like the other one for who they are.

Kokeshi123 · 03/07/2023 13:38

DollyDaydream92 · 03/07/2023 07:52

This post right here is why I never had mummy friends. I never got involved at the school gates. We would just go to party’s she was invited to. I’d never get close to another mum because everything is a competition for some. Your parenting style sounds like mine too. It’s the type of stuff you expect from a mother in law telling you how to raise your kids. Not a friend. Maybe you could discuss it with her if you don’t want to loose the friendship but sometimes people like this know what they are doing.

That's such a weird and sad post. "Mummy friends" aren't some special category of humans-- they are just women with kids you happen to be friends with. More than half of all adults are women and the majority of women have kids at some point of their lives - do you consider all women to become incapable of being good and interesting friends the moment they reproduce?

EhrlicheFrau · 03/07/2023 13:55

Cut her off, and don't feel guilty at all - based on your description she is definitely not a friend.

DollyDaydream92 · 03/07/2023 13:58

@Kokeshi123 sorry if I offended you I have my personal choices that doesn’t make me weird for having a different view to you lol. Maybe you grow up and realise people don’t have to do the same things you choose too without it making them sad and weird 😊

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 03/07/2023 16:40

Back in the olden days of MN (2006ish) there was a court case about a "she who shall not be named"

This person wrote baby books and took MN HQ/TOWERS to court because MNetters were posting critical posts about her methods and many books.

We were not allowed to mention her name in any posts - no idea if the rule still applies but we referred to her as "she who shall not be named"

Anyway, my point is this "friend" who thinks she knows how to raise the perfect child with perfect eating habits and has the perfect working life is just like some of the people back in the olden days of 2006 who were followers of SWSNBN they believed they were correct about everything and anyone who didn't follow the rules from SWSNBN books was wrong and would ruin their child

My advice to you would be to think about if your children will end up at the same school as her perfect children?

If they will be at the same school then just put on a fake smile and pity her and all of her daft rules and ideas but remain friendly as you will be together for many years to come and she might make an awful enemy

If you will be putting your children in completely different schools and child friend groups for your children then I would go LC with her

If you do end up seeing her for years you could do a BINGO game like write down her horrible topics/comments and then when she says about food or dummy or WFH or WFO then in your head say BINGO and see how many critical comments she can get into a conversation

You won't change her but you have the power to change how you react to her

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 03/07/2023 16:40

BTW if you are curious who SWSNBN is she has 1st and 2nd name with 4 letters in each G* is the first name and 2nd name starts with letter before G.

LadyTemperance · 03/07/2023 17:11

Back in the day any mention of Gina Ford meant your post disappeared in a puff of smoke. As you see this is no longer the case.

Lollipop81 · 03/07/2023 17:36

😂😂😂 wait until her 1 year old gets to 3, she will change her views 😂😂😂

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 03/07/2023 18:11

LadyTemperance · 03/07/2023 17:11

Back in the day any mention of Gina Ford meant your post disappeared in a puff of smoke. As you see this is no longer the case.

That is good news GrinWinkGrinWinkGrin

Seriously though, her followers were very much believers in the daft idea Gina Ford was the only one who knew how to raise babies into happy healthy children

This "friend" sounds a bit like her followers in that her way of raising her baby is the right way and everyone else is doing it the wrong way - which is daft IMHO & IME

All babies are different and all families are different - not robots out of a box

LGBirmingham · 03/07/2023 18:23

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 03/07/2023 18:11

That is good news GrinWinkGrinWinkGrin

Seriously though, her followers were very much believers in the daft idea Gina Ford was the only one who knew how to raise babies into happy healthy children

This "friend" sounds a bit like her followers in that her way of raising her baby is the right way and everyone else is doing it the wrong way - which is daft IMHO & IME

All babies are different and all families are different - not robots out of a box

This is exactly my experience of someone who's followed her books!

LadyTemperance · 03/07/2023 18:26

I think if your twisting yourself into knots trying to follow those rules with a baby who hasn’t read the book it sends you a bit cuckoo.

Gielinor · 03/07/2023 22:35

Sounds awful for you. Hopefully it comes back round to her and she finds someone who is doing “better” than her. She will soon realise how judgemental she has been.

E.g Does she use disposables? Shameful, she should be using reusables!

E.g Does she let her child watch TV? Shameful, she shouldn’t let them watch screens.

E.g Does she let someone else look after the baby? Shameful, the baby needs their mother close by all the time.

and so on, there is always something that another person will say you aren’t doing perfectly. She will probably mellow out as the child gets older and if not it’s probably best for you to drop contact.