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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This friend winds me up a bit

172 replies

luftt · 30/06/2023 13:55

I know it's me and it shouldn't matter, but I have this friend / acquaintance I have mixed feelings about sometimes.

I have a three year old and a one year old and she has just a one year old. We met through baby class.

Some things we choose to do slightly differently. I don't like to lecture other parents about how they choose to do stuff, but feel like she pulls me up on stuff sometimes and I don't really like it.

For example my babies both had walkers and bouncers ( like a jumperoo ) and when this friend realised she had to remind me that it's not advised and she won't be using them. She also thinks dummies aren't good, both mine have / had dummies.

She's very against any kind of sleep training and thinks it's really cruel to let a baby cry even a little bit, whilst you get something for them ( like milk ).

I only contact napped with my baby when he was really young. I don't have time to do it anymore. She's nap trapped a lot and talks about it all the time and acted surprised that I put my baby to sleep alone from 6 months.

When it comes to weaning, she thinks I do it all wrong and she seems disapproving of how I weaned my children and what I feed them. She's into baby led weaning. I did my own mixed approach with both of mine and they seem fine. My three year old is picky and she has made it clear she thinks it's because I didn't wean her the right way. I did give her a lot of veggies and she just became picky we she grew up. She's insinuated on more than one occasion that it's because of me and even asked me when I first gave her sweet stuff. I said, not before she was well over 1. She clearly thinks I was packing in cakes and chocolate tor her before 1 and that's why she has a sweet tooth now. I don't talk about my 3 year old fussiness, but she's noticed it occasionally and has insinuated that I effed up on weaning her.

When it came to my son, she was also always saying stuff like ' oh is he eaten by XZY big thing yet ? ' like meat off a bone for example. Eh no. I took it really slow with solids with mine and he eats just what every other baby eats now, even if I didn't start him with finger foods as soon as he hit 6 months.

My son now eats what we eat and he's a really good eater at the moment. So was my daughter at his age. We went around for dinner the other day and she kept asking if she should give him some baby food. I said, that he's just fine to eat what we are eating. I had seen the food and saw it being prepared, it was really fine for him to eat. She kept saying ' does he not want to eat this baby stuff here ? ' . I just gave him what we ate and he was happy to munch away. I feel like she didn't think the food we were eating is appropriate for a 1 year old, but to me it was.

I feel on edge and judged for how I choose to parent my kids. For what it's worth, my kids both had a Walker and bouncer and they both walked young. Not that I'm bragging, but they say that using a Walker can delay waking (not in our case).

I do like spending time with her and I shouldn't care. Why does it matter ? So she thinks she's better/ doing better things. So what ?

OP posts:
TheWalrusdidbeseech · 30/06/2023 15:38

mytitshaveshrunk · 30/06/2023 15:12

Ditch the bitch

Much better said that I was going to write 😂

MRSDoos · 30/06/2023 15:45

Some men and woman can become very judgemental when they have their own child and like to put their opinions from their own experiences onto other people. I’ve noticed this now being a parent to a newborn DS - some people can really be quite judgemental. You can tell when someone is giving you some helpful advice vs belittling you / judging you.

I would take a big step back from the friendship personally. She sounds quite mean and toxic to be around. I can only imagine she’s going to get a lot worse. Have you considered mentioning to her how judgemental she is coming across? A bit of an awkward convo but next time she says anything that makes you feel uncomfortable you could say “I love spending time with you but sometimes you can make me feel small and come across quite judgemental. You do what you want with your children and I’ll do what I want with mine”
She probably does realise but she may not, just how judgemental she’s actually being.

Lacucuracha · 30/06/2023 15:46

Just learn to answer back to her. It will will feel unnatural initially but you'll get used to it.

If she says it's a shame you have to WFH, say you love it and you feel sorry for her having to go in.

If she says walkers are bad, say you think they're fantastic as my dd was walking aged 1 and so ADVANCED for her age

If she says you fed baby junk, say my child ate the best of the best and will be asking for hummous and quinoa soon.

Basically for every negative thing she says, spin into a positive. She won't know what's hit her.

elenacampana · 30/06/2023 15:50

Couldn’t be doing with anyone like this!

Parenting is a very contentious, sensitive subject and some people are absolutely obsessed with it. It sounds like you have a balanced attitude and that’ll serve your children well.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 30/06/2023 15:57

I think she needs a second child. Didn’t we all parent the first by some perfect method we’d read in books. I didn’t know my arse from my elbow when the 2nd arrived and the books were long forgotten.

She also sounds insufferable and superior, I’d bin her off. Sorry.

silverfullmoon · 30/06/2023 16:04

I’m honestly struggling to see any reason why you’d enjoy spending time with her since she apparently criticises every single aspect of your life!

It’s not even like it’s limited to parenthood- she’s now trying to make you feel small for working in an office. I suspect she’ll be criticising your relationship next! Bloody hell - dump her. She sounds absolutely insufferable and I couldn’t put up with that as it’s so competitive, insecure and pathetic.

Dump. You’ll feel so much lighter when you ditch the weight of other peoples unwanted opinions!

luftt · 30/06/2023 16:08

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 30/06/2023 15:57

I think she needs a second child. Didn’t we all parent the first by some perfect method we’d read in books. I didn’t know my arse from my elbow when the 2nd arrived and the books were long forgotten.

She also sounds insufferable and superior, I’d bin her off. Sorry.

I'm of the opinion that the books aren't always right anyway. Take a pinch of the book with a pinch of how your mum and grandma / neighbour / someone you respect did it, combine with what YOU think is best for YOUR child and go from there.

I won't just blindly follow a book. She seems to. I did a bunch of research on walkers before I bought one.. it's a contentious issue and I can see why they can be considered unsafe, but I think if you are careful and don't use them too much, then it's fine.

Everything can be unsafe for a baby ! You have to watch them like a hawk.

OP posts:
silverfullmoon · 30/06/2023 16:08

Sorry that should be working from home not the other way around

luftt · 30/06/2023 16:10

silverfullmoon · 30/06/2023 16:04

I’m honestly struggling to see any reason why you’d enjoy spending time with her since she apparently criticises every single aspect of your life!

It’s not even like it’s limited to parenthood- she’s now trying to make you feel small for working in an office. I suspect she’ll be criticising your relationship next! Bloody hell - dump her. She sounds absolutely insufferable and I couldn’t put up with that as it’s so competitive, insecure and pathetic.

Dump. You’ll feel so much lighter when you ditch the weight of other peoples unwanted opinions!

Yeah it has bugged me because she seems to feel sorry for me for working from home. I never connect in her not working from home. I always say it's so nice to see you're enjoying yourself at work and having drinks after with your friends. I think it's nice she can do that.

I'm not able to do that stuff at this point in time for many reasons and that's OK with me. It will come back when things are a bit easier. For now, I'm so glad I can work from home. It suits me so well. And I never go in about it to her at all. So I don't see why she keeps bringing it up.

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 30/06/2023 16:14

My children were born in the late 90s and 00s and there are plenty of things I could say about modern parenting styles - some things I think are good and others pointless, but I just keep my mouth shut.

Irridescantshimmmer · 30/06/2023 16:36

She sounds like an organ grinder.

If your friendship with this person continues, you need to establish some boundaries so she knows not to berate you, every one raises their kids their oen way. All families are different thank goodness and you need the freedom to do so without being hen-pecked.

Stand your ground with her without arguing or you could end up feeling under more pressure which is not right......Best to do it on neutral territory so no at her house.

Usernamen · 30/06/2023 16:43

OP, you’re too nice!

I have long cut out “friends” who make me feel shit about myself.

What’s the point of them? I’d sooner stare at a wall.

thecatsthecats · 30/06/2023 17:07

Ahhh, I have a friend like this, and it's mostly an over messages thing.

Weirdly in person she's fun (we used to live together), but over messages she's just like your friend.

So I get the confusion about liking or not!

I think the best thing to do is be frank and say that you don't want to discuss parenting methods as you don't think it contributes to the friendship.

billy1966 · 30/06/2023 17:41

OP, she actually really annoys you on so many subjects yet you are spending time with her?

Why?

She makes you feel rubbish and yet you go back for more, again and again?

Why is that?

That is not normal IMO.

Most people would have ditched her ages ago, yet you are allowing her to really bug you.

Why?

Your boundaries and standards are poor.

Focus on yourself and figure out why that is.

When my life was busy with young children I wouldn't spend 5 minutes with someone like that, because life was too busy and stressful and it was too important to me to enjoy spending time with real friends rather than getting tied up in tedious competitive twaddle.

LadyTemperance · 30/06/2023 17:50

Firstly she (like lots of people) finds it hard to accept her way of doing things might not be right (due to insecurity) therefore spends lots of time trying to big herself up. The working on the office thing is classic, who actually wants to have to travel and dress smartly. Believe me she is racked with insecurities and jealousy about how easily you ( as a second time mum) make everything look.
Whether you want to spend your precious spare time with is another question. She will probably mellow with time and definitely with the addition of a other child.

MushMonster · 30/06/2023 18:01

She is a PITA, that is what she is!
Do what is best for you and your family.
Personally, I could not be bothered to put up with all that. I would tell her and if she does not keep it zipped, she can bugger off.

Cakeandcardio · 30/06/2023 18:38

My sil can do this - makes comments about things as if I don't know how to do it. But I just remember that she's had one child and I've had one child so how come she's the expert???!! Same goes for your friend.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/06/2023 18:44

She's too competitive for me and I would hate anyone who judged me like that. She's obviously insecure and jealous. If you went to the office and she was at home she'd criticised you for that too.

hot2trotter · 02/07/2023 20:41

Sorry OP but if I were you I'd ditch her. I couldn't be around her, she sounds draining. But I'm 4 children in and don't take anybodies "advice" about my own children unless I specifically ask for it.

IcedBananas · 02/07/2023 21:15

Oh gosh the problem is it’s just not good for your own mental health to be constantly listening to criticism and judgement. You’d have to be very thick skinned. I agree with PP about it probably being a FTM vs already a mum thing but the impact on you is the same. Could you make a joke about it or shut it down each time she does it? Are there any other redeeming qualities? If not, you’re best to move on and make new friends elsewhere.

Avondale89 · 02/07/2023 21:18

Oh my god she sounds fucking exhausting. Of course, she’s had one child so some kind of baby savant. What a twat. I’d be giving her a wide berth. Is her entire personality centred on being a perfect mother? Does she ever talk about anything else?

Raindancer411 · 02/07/2023 21:22

I had a friend I met with a baby around my sons age and the baby had to do all the milestones when they were meant to, or she forced it on him. I couldn't be done with her telling me mine should have too, so the friendship petered out

PumpkinQueen1 · 02/07/2023 21:24

You don't need 'friends' who constantly criticise and make you feel like shit.

Mylittlepea · 02/07/2023 21:25

I’m a firm believer that your friends should be people that you love to spend time with and they build you up, not knock you down. She sounds the opposite.
You sound lovely OP so find a way to meet others and give her a wide berth…..

ThatFraggle · 02/07/2023 21:27

You're not friends. She's a random person you met a year ago and who stresses you out.

Luckily you have a few million other people to choose from.