This friend winds me up a bit

[luftt]

I know it's me and it shouldn't matter, but I have this friend / acquaintance I have mixed feelings about sometimes.

I have a three year old and a one year old and she has just a one year old. We met through baby class.

Some things we choose to do slightly differently. I don't like to lecture other parents about how they choose to do stuff, but feel like she pulls me up on stuff sometimes and I don't really like it.

For example my babies both had walkers and bouncers ( like a jumperoo ) and when this friend realised she had to remind me that it's not advised and she won't be using them. She also thinks dummies aren't good, both mine have / had dummies.

She's very against any kind of sleep training and thinks it's really cruel to let a baby cry even a little bit, whilst you get something for them ( like milk ).

I only contact napped with my baby when he was really young. I don't have time to do it anymore. She's nap trapped a lot and talks about it all the time and acted surprised that I put my baby to sleep alone from 6 months.

When it comes to weaning, she thinks I do it all wrong and she seems disapproving of how I weaned my children and what I feed them. She's into baby led weaning. I did my own mixed approach with both of mine and they seem fine. My three year old is picky and she has made it clear she thinks it's because I didn't wean her the right way. I did give her a lot of veggies and she just became picky we she grew up. She's insinuated on more than one occasion that it's because of me and even asked me when I first gave her sweet stuff. I said, not before she was well over 1. She clearly thinks I was packing in cakes and chocolate tor her before 1 and that's why she has a sweet tooth now. I don't talk about my 3 year old fussiness, but she's noticed it occasionally and has insinuated that I effed up on weaning her.

When it came to my son, she was also always saying stuff like ' oh is he eaten by XZY big thing yet ? ' like meat off a bone for example. Eh no. I took it really slow with solids with mine and he eats just what every other baby eats now, even if I didn't start him with finger foods as soon as he hit 6 months.

My son now eats what we eat and he's a really good eater at the moment. So was my daughter at his age. We went around for dinner the other day and she kept asking if she should give him some baby food. I said, that he's just fine to eat what we are eating. I had seen the food and saw it being prepared, it was really fine for him to eat. She kept saying ' does he not want to eat this baby stuff here ? ' . I just gave him what we ate and he was happy to munch away. I feel like she didn't think the food we were eating is appropriate for a 1 year old, but to me it was.

I feel on edge and judged for how I choose to parent my kids. For what it's worth, my kids both had a Walker and bouncer and they both walked young. Not that I'm bragging, but they say that using a Walker can delay waking (not in our case).

I do like spending time with her and I shouldn't care. Why does it matter ? So she thinks she's better/ doing better things. So what ?

You’re doing everything fine.
She sounds exhausting, personally I’d distance myself from her from now on, not all Mums are like that.

If she starts up again just say in a bright and breezy voice “now come on xxx, where’s your manners and boundaries you should leave Mummies alone” and smile and wink.

She's insecure.

If your friend has opinions that is fine, they are just her opinions and you can listen and choose whether to do it her way or not - but it is absolutely your choice how you parent your children!!!

She may just think she is giving you useful advice and isn’t actually expecting you to follow it, but if she is making you feel uncomfortable and you feel like she is trying to control you then that isn’t a healthy friendship - time to spend time with other friends who don’t make you feel like that instead:) And that is no judgement on either of you, it is just life that you can’t be friends with everyone!

@luftt you are answering all your questions yourself, she’s making you feel like shit and you’re letting her. If you are happy with your life and children's development then does what she think’s matter? Either ditch the deadwood or carry on allowing her to chip away at you, making you unhappy. You have the choice.

I think it's a learning curve and gets gets older she'll realize she was being a dick.

Sounds very annoying.

Also wondering though whether maybe you're taking some of the comments to heart and feeling criticized/ being a bit sensitive as you're worried about having done things the wrong way? Have faith in your approach!

Although it entirely possible that you're not being oversensitive or insecure and she's in fact a rude cow - if this is the case deffo reduce time spent with her!

Agree that she sounds annoying. She sounds like that she isn’t confident enough in how to be a parent to do it without a guide so she’s found herself a voice of authority to follow and is trying to validate her choices by finding fault with the different methods you employ. It makes her feel more in control.

You seem to like her other than this issue, and babies do seem to make some parents go a bit nutty in some regards (they are a huge responsibility!), so it’s possible you can get over this, but you also need to ask yourself if you want to.

If you do I think you need to tackle it head on the way some PPs have suggested. Next time she does it tell her outright something along the lines of - The passive aggressive judge comments are kind of tiresome, X. We don’t have to make all the same decisions and if I make ones you don’t intend to make you don’t have to make you can just keep your mouth shut about it, like I do about the decisions you make that I don’t. I’ve read up on this stuff too and thought about it critically and come to my own conclusions. I’m not going to look down on you for coming to different conclusions but I’m not prepared to sit here and have you constantly poke at my parenting like this. It’s not supportive and it’s not friendly, it needs to stop.

I really do think you need to be pretty blunt about it, even though it will risk offending her, because she probably hasn’t realised that you can tell she’s criticising you.

I exclusively breastfed, did baby weaning, didn't use a sleepyhead as they aren't considered safe, didn't use dummy, didn't try and make him self settle, enjoy going into the office.

Am happy with how I've done things, and wouldn't tread on egg shells or not mention it if the subject came up for fear of 'insinuating' someone else has done things wrong. But would never boast or say to someone I think you're doing things the wrong way! There's a big difference.

She may be openly criticizing you like you say (in which case I'm not sure why you're even still friends with her?), or it might be she's just happy with how she's doing things, and you're being a bit over sensitive and insecure about your choices?

I'm really happy with how I've done things too. I don't need to go on and on about it, as I'm not insecure and I don't need to preach. I just get on with it.

Why are you spending time with someone who constantly criticises you and puts you down? I get that it’s nice to have a “mummy friend”, but this woman is not your friend in any sense of the word. Parenting is hard enough without this shit.

My ds are everything put down to him, then as pp have said, realised he can reject food and have a little bit of control. He is 8 and still has a list of stuff he won’t eat “just because”. I don’t consider myself a shit parent, but your friend would if she met me.

I'm done to be honest now. It's also not just the stuff I've written about here actually. I think we are just really different. Nothing in common.

I won’t patronise you (Sounds like you’ve had enough of that already!), but you e made the right decision there.

But are you sure she's actually going on and on about it or preaching? Or are you just overly picking up on things as you're worried you've not done things right

@Ilikepinacoladass it's like, I do something ( minding my own business ) and she'll go :

' oh that's what you're doing ? I read that it's really bad. Are you sure you can do that ? '

Or

' that's what you're using ? I thought you shouldn't can't use that '.

And the preachy bit is like:

' I can't believe what parents feed their children, it's disgusting. I don't think I could ever send my child to nursery because their food is disgusting and I wouldn't know if it was safe ' etc etc

@Ilikepinacoladass of course I worry about things I do with my kids ( in general ).

But not any of the things she's ever picked up on. I am happy with my choices, like using a dummy. I want to stick a dummy in her babies face half the time because he's always crying 🤣🤣 ( just kidding ).

My kids are doing just fine, having had dummies and pures and walkers ! It's just not as much of a big deal as she ( and people ) make it out to be in my opinion.

She just believes everything she reads and rejects any common sense approaches. She also immediately dismissed anything older generations say about child rearing. Anywya she can do what she wants. She should just leave me alone and stop commenting on what I do.

I don’t know how you stick it, OP.

She sounds deeply irritating.

I’d have to say something next time she criticises me: “Can you hear yourself? Why do you feel the need to question and criticise everything I do for my child?” And look at her incredulously.

Just shine a spotlight on her constant criticisms and judgement. It sounds like raging insecurity from her and habitual, but it doesn’t mean you have to keep enduring it. Especially not when you’re on the receiving end.

There might be a little part of if of her sort of asking for your advice, being a second time Mum. So she she's your doing something that she thought wasn't supposed to be good and just checking with you that actually it's fine?

She does sound very annoying. But also worth checking whether you're being over sensitive/ insecure yourself. Or whether she's actually intending to judge and make you feel bad.

People have said around me they would never use a childminder coz they might watch TV, ignore the child, take them to the shops, abuse them etc etc even though they know I use one for my son. I don't take it to heart unless I think they are intentionally being rude or mean. Because I'm happy with my choice, each to their own!

she is NOT your friend.
she is constantly judging and openly criticising you.
why would you want to spend time with someone like that?
id either stop or would make it very clearly ONCE that either she cuts it out or you will stop hanging out with her.
and even then id just keep this as superficial friendship (as she will still be judging you, thats not what friends do)

Just stop talking to her. She really isn't a friend, just a person you met at a baby class. You don't have to entertain her for the rest of your life. Stop telling her all your business. If she asks you if you are doing X, Y, or Z with your kids just say you don't know, you haven't decided yet and walk away. Let her go spin somebody else up. If she comes up to you and asks if she did something to make you mad, that's your chance. Just tell her you are not really feeling the friend vibe with her. Nothing against her. And again... walk away.

She sounds so insecure about everything in her life and her choices, it's like she wants you to do everything the same way as her to make it ok and reinforce her own decisions. You just do you and tell her you're happy with it all! She would do my head in to be honest. She will probably mellow as her child gets older or she has another. Everyone does what works for them.

Also maybe let her know that dummies are in fact encouraged by midwives now for safe sleep! That might surprise her and shut her up a bit. My first daughter had one. I also have a 9 week old who've been trying to get to take one but she doesn't want it - but I've definitely tried 😂

Bide your time my friend!
When her child is older and becomes a fussy eater …. (I did strict BLW / all in 100 foods by the time she was one etc without my eldest) she’s now 3 who now eats a few different things like a sparrow.

If she chooses to have baby no 2…. trying to wrangle both of them without putting one down / safely sticking the youngest in the jumperoo while potty training the eldest is totally necessary unless you’re an octopus!
Then remind her of all the things she said 😛
I did a lot of the things your friend did with my eldest - I hope I didn’t come across as judgemental as the main thing I’ve learned its a lot about survival / what works for you but with my youngest I’ve done a lot of the things you’ve done.