This friend winds me up a bit

[luftt]

I know it's me and it shouldn't matter, but I have this friend / acquaintance I have mixed feelings about sometimes.

I have a three year old and a one year old and she has just a one year old. We met through baby class.

Some things we choose to do slightly differently. I don't like to lecture other parents about how they choose to do stuff, but feel like she pulls me up on stuff sometimes and I don't really like it.

For example my babies both had walkers and bouncers ( like a jumperoo ) and when this friend realised she had to remind me that it's not advised and she won't be using them. She also thinks dummies aren't good, both mine have / had dummies.

She's very against any kind of sleep training and thinks it's really cruel to let a baby cry even a little bit, whilst you get something for them ( like milk ).

I only contact napped with my baby when he was really young. I don't have time to do it anymore. She's nap trapped a lot and talks about it all the time and acted surprised that I put my baby to sleep alone from 6 months.

When it comes to weaning, she thinks I do it all wrong and she seems disapproving of how I weaned my children and what I feed them. She's into baby led weaning. I did my own mixed approach with both of mine and they seem fine. My three year old is picky and she has made it clear she thinks it's because I didn't wean her the right way. I did give her a lot of veggies and she just became picky we she grew up. She's insinuated on more than one occasion that it's because of me and even asked me when I first gave her sweet stuff. I said, not before she was well over 1. She clearly thinks I was packing in cakes and chocolate tor her before 1 and that's why she has a sweet tooth now. I don't talk about my 3 year old fussiness, but she's noticed it occasionally and has insinuated that I effed up on weaning her.

When it came to my son, she was also always saying stuff like ' oh is he eaten by XZY big thing yet ? ' like meat off a bone for example. Eh no. I took it really slow with solids with mine and he eats just what every other baby eats now, even if I didn't start him with finger foods as soon as he hit 6 months.

My son now eats what we eat and he's a really good eater at the moment. So was my daughter at his age. We went around for dinner the other day and she kept asking if she should give him some baby food. I said, that he's just fine to eat what we are eating. I had seen the food and saw it being prepared, it was really fine for him to eat. She kept saying ' does he not want to eat this baby stuff here ? ' . I just gave him what we ate and he was happy to munch away. I feel like she didn't think the food we were eating is appropriate for a 1 year old, but to me it was.

I feel on edge and judged for how I choose to parent my kids. For what it's worth, my kids both had a Walker and bouncer and they both walked young. Not that I'm bragging, but they say that using a Walker can delay waking (not in our case).

I do like spending time with her and I shouldn't care. Why does it matter ? So she thinks she's better/ doing better things. So what ?

You have nothing in common. Stop trying to be friends. It’s worse than pontless.

I would read between the lines as others have said. She sounds very insecure and is constantly trying to reassure herself. She probably feels guilty for going into the office and would prefer to wfh.
I would ask myself, what does this relationship do for me? Think of all the positives and then this competitive put down behaviour.
See whether the positives outweigh the negatives.
If so then I would speak to her and remind her that in your experience of parenting there are different ways of doing things and it's important to do what you think is best and suits your child and you actually don't want her to keep making comments as you find it unhelpful. If she can accept this and change it might be worth it otherwise I would seriously reduce contact as it is bad for your self esteem.
If the negatives outweigh the positives then just stop seeing her. You don't need the hassle.

Lol I was that BLW mum who thought I’d cracked parenting when my 1 year old ate everything. I now have a 3 year old who still eats a good range of foods but definitely has a strong preference for cake and will flatly refuse to eat anything he doesn’t fancy. Still love BLW but love that I thought I’d smashed it before I hit the toddler years.

I have no idea what you get out of spending time with this woman.

There's none so judgy as a first time mum, she'll get there, in the meantime just ignore her and maybe find somebody nicer to hang out with.

Toddlers being picky is an evolutionary thing, it stopped them crawling off and eating the wrong berries or mushrooms in caveman times. Weaning choices are purely fashion and nothing else.

Just pull her up on it. "You spend a lot of time criticising my decisions these days, and it's getting irritating, so please think a bit more about what you're saying." She then gets a chance to realise that she's doing and stop, or not.

Some people just can’t help but think their way is the right one & impart unwanted advice on those around them 😱 If you feel comfortable, I would maybe have a frank chat with her. If not, get some distance! Parenting is hard enough without people constantly criticising! What works for one, doesn’t work for all. As long as you aren’t harming your children, she needs to keep her beak out!

I can empathise, I had a mum friend very similar to this, she had all the answers, especially as my DS2 was very hard work, lo and behold she then had a DS, who was also challenging. Can’t say I didn’t feel a tiny bit pleased 😂 karma and all that!

Yep she sounds like hard work. I would cool this friendship a bit...see her less often. She might come to her senses..and what is all this contact napping !?! Lovely idea and all but who has time for this once you have more than 1 kid ?!

Hi!
To be fair a lot of the decisions you’ve made are unpopular ones. Especially weaning, walkers, sleeping etc. I say this as a parent of a 3 year old and a 4 month old who has made the same decisions and more!
I always feel that a lot of my friends are very ‘new age’ parents and all do things in a similar way, whereas I would say a lot of things I’ve done are more ‘traditional’.
I think it’s just excepting that we are all doing our best in our own ways. I tend not to advertise when I do things like put my 4 month old in her own room as I don’t care for people’s comments. By the way my friend did baby led weaning, only broccoli for 2 weeks, no sweet stuff at all etc, I did purées because that’s what the nursery did. They both went through the fussy food stage (still are) at the same time so we decided it had very little baring. Also both, infuriatingly, eat EVERYTHING at nursery.
So even though me and my friends try very hard not to judge each other my advice is to give her a nice dose of her own medicine.
E.G. ‘oh I don’t know how you manage with contact naps, that could make baby very clingy and have attachment issues, also if you put them down you could get jobs done to spend real quality time with them when they wake up’
‘gosh you know if you mushed that up a bit he might get more veggies into his diet. He doesn’t actually eat much of it, missing nutrition.’
You don’t even really need to believe it all yourself as you probably don’t care how she feeds her kid. But hopefully you will start seeing that she is uncomfortable with the comments, she may even say something.
Then you can casually say. ‘Oh yes, maybe it would be better if we didn’t judge each others choices, sorry if I made you feel bad’

Hahaha age has no idea what’s coming. Just because I’m petty I would want stay in contact for when her LO is 3 so I could imply a tantrum or dislike of food is due to her.

However I haven’t got the balls. You have two options OP, ditch her or be up front and honest

Agree with others, she sounds very insecure and is basically having a conversation in her own head that she's saying out loud (example: she's probably feeling guilty and a bit jealous of you re WFH vs working at the office and is trying to make herself feel better).

I'd probably dial back the amount of time I spent with her. She might be better if/when she has a second child and some of the things she's said come back to haunt her!

Recently she also commented she would only do gentle parenting. Just after I told my three year old to stop climbing dangerously on a chair at the restaurant we were eating at. Also I asked her to stop throwing stuff around. I asked her a few times and she was laughing at me and continuing, so I said it in a firmer voice.

I felt judged, yet again. To be fair this time it wasn't her fault. Her husband asked her if she would be OK if he were to speak firmly one day to their baby if required. She said no, because she wants to do gentle parenting and wants to just let her child do what he wants and follow his interests and choices. I said, I am a gentle mother in general - but kids do need to hearNO sometimes and they need to know boundaries and that's also OK. Especially when in public, they need to learn how to behave properly in order not to do dangerous things and not to bother people around them.

OP All of this and she is still a friend?
Why on earth do some mothers make hard work out of raising children?

This post right here is why I never had mummy friends. I never got involved at the school gates. We would just go to party’s she was invited to. I’d never get close to another mum because everything is a competition for some. Your parenting style sounds like mine too. It’s the type of stuff you expect from a mother in law telling you how to raise your kids. Not a friend. Maybe you could discuss it with her if you don’t want to loose the friendship but sometimes people like this know what they are doing.

Just wait until her DC is a teenager🤣🤣🤣

She has PFB. Nod and smile and carry on as you are

I’m not surprised you are annoyed - what joy does she actually being to your life?

I cringe looking back, but I think I was like this as a first time mum. I was desperate to seem like a "legitimate" mum who knew what she was doing, when of course I didn't and was petrified I would fuck my child up or get it all wrong. So I made sure everyone knew I was following the best rules/guidance/claptrap I saw on Instagram. She will learn 😆 But also, and I say this gently, no one can make you feel any kind of way without your internal permission - you are allowing yourself to feel judged. Try to let it wash over you, and feel confident in your own parenting decisions.

This is the reason I hated baby groups so many experts quoting books and giving unsolicited advice based on ten minutes of being a parent. Do what works for your family and disregard everything else!

She sounds hard work and very undermining. Also sounds like she is massively insecure that she has to pull others down to build herself up.

A stranger having one friend who is over-critical, is the reason why many years ago you chose not to make friends. And you'd deliberately not get close to anyone who is a mother, just in case they felt competitive. Hm. Ok.

You don't need to judge others based on insecurity, at least wait for them to do something you don't like before excluding yourself.

@MRex im an introvert and a shy person so obviously it’s not the only reason there’s a few. But it’s one of the reasons yes. I’m not insecure just don’t tolerate drama 😊

Instead of "avoiding drama", you're actually avoiding a wide range of life experiences entirely. That's fine, but it is important that you understand the distinction. And actually projecting a bad outcome onto any situation is insecurity, that anxiety is the definition of it.

Sounds like you're just not compatible as friends anymore now you're parents. It happens.

I mix fed due to insufficient supply. I have friends who EBF for yonks and friends who exclusively formula fed from the start. We get on great and respect one another's situations and choices.

I chose to sleep train which was fantastic, I have friends who consider it cruel and didn't. We get on great and respect one another's choices.

I was vehemently against bedsharing for my child, and we never did it. I have friends who bedshared from day one happily. We get on great and respect one another's choices.

I did a mix of BLW and finger foods to wean. I have friends who did purees for months. We get on great and respect one another's choices.

Almost every parent out there is doing what they think is best for their child in line with the resources and information they have access to in the moment. And there is no 'right' or perfect way to parent. Good friendships can allow space for that, can allow for a chat over coffee about how sleep training is going and how the other person feels about bedsharing and it's all gravy because you respect one another's capacity to decide what's best for their kid and see each other as more than just a parent whose choices you have to scrutinise. I guarantee both of you will be doing things the other wouldn't dream of and that's normal cos we all parent differently.

I would just let this fade, it's only gonna get more intense as the kids get older, and I wouldn't personally choose to spend time with anyone who I felt was nitpicking my parenting constantly. I've had some very robust and honest conversations with close friends around stuff like the evidence base for topics like feeding, bedsharing, sleep training, weaning, held opposing views and maintained that thread of kindness, respect and civility and it's been no issue, but this sounds like an ongoing pattern where I bet even when you're getting ready to meet her you're starting to feel the ick waiting for the next comment to drop.

Drop the friendship, it's not doing either of you any good.