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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This friend winds me up a bit

172 replies

luftt · 30/06/2023 13:55

I know it's me and it shouldn't matter, but I have this friend / acquaintance I have mixed feelings about sometimes.

I have a three year old and a one year old and she has just a one year old. We met through baby class.

Some things we choose to do slightly differently. I don't like to lecture other parents about how they choose to do stuff, but feel like she pulls me up on stuff sometimes and I don't really like it.

For example my babies both had walkers and bouncers ( like a jumperoo ) and when this friend realised she had to remind me that it's not advised and she won't be using them. She also thinks dummies aren't good, both mine have / had dummies.

She's very against any kind of sleep training and thinks it's really cruel to let a baby cry even a little bit, whilst you get something for them ( like milk ).

I only contact napped with my baby when he was really young. I don't have time to do it anymore. She's nap trapped a lot and talks about it all the time and acted surprised that I put my baby to sleep alone from 6 months.

When it comes to weaning, she thinks I do it all wrong and she seems disapproving of how I weaned my children and what I feed them. She's into baby led weaning. I did my own mixed approach with both of mine and they seem fine. My three year old is picky and she has made it clear she thinks it's because I didn't wean her the right way. I did give her a lot of veggies and she just became picky we she grew up. She's insinuated on more than one occasion that it's because of me and even asked me when I first gave her sweet stuff. I said, not before she was well over 1. She clearly thinks I was packing in cakes and chocolate tor her before 1 and that's why she has a sweet tooth now. I don't talk about my 3 year old fussiness, but she's noticed it occasionally and has insinuated that I effed up on weaning her.

When it came to my son, she was also always saying stuff like ' oh is he eaten by XZY big thing yet ? ' like meat off a bone for example. Eh no. I took it really slow with solids with mine and he eats just what every other baby eats now, even if I didn't start him with finger foods as soon as he hit 6 months.

My son now eats what we eat and he's a really good eater at the moment. So was my daughter at his age. We went around for dinner the other day and she kept asking if she should give him some baby food. I said, that he's just fine to eat what we are eating. I had seen the food and saw it being prepared, it was really fine for him to eat. She kept saying ' does he not want to eat this baby stuff here ? ' . I just gave him what we ate and he was happy to munch away. I feel like she didn't think the food we were eating is appropriate for a 1 year old, but to me it was.

I feel on edge and judged for how I choose to parent my kids. For what it's worth, my kids both had a Walker and bouncer and they both walked young. Not that I'm bragging, but they say that using a Walker can delay waking (not in our case).

I do like spending time with her and I shouldn't care. Why does it matter ? So she thinks she's better/ doing better things. So what ?

OP posts:
Womensrightsaretheanswer · 02/07/2023 21:28

She's just going to leave you feeling crap about yourself and your parenting every time you see her. You are busy enough being a mum to two tiny people. I would back right off this friendship and make other more supportive and fun friends.

Fromage · 02/07/2023 21:29

Oh dear Lord, she does sound smug and insufferable.

I would have a think about the pros and cons of this friendship, and whether it needs reframing (eg only get together without the children) or it's worth a conversation (no, it isn't, she's far too pleased with herself and her perfect parenting, it won't end well) or you should slowly phase out the friendship to occasional meet ups or whether it is a friendship at all, or just her using you to feel a little bit better about her own superbness.

Does she bring much to the friendship - is she fun and kind?

NadjaCravensworth1 · 02/07/2023 21:31

She does sound intolerable but if you want to keep her in your life then have an honest conversation and just say it makes you feel a bit shit when she judges your parenting. She might not realise she's doing it.

FlamingoQueen · 02/07/2023 21:31

I expect she is jealous of you and can’t express it so becomes a class A bitch.

Womensrightsaretheanswer · 02/07/2023 21:32

Oh and if she ever asks why you have cooled the whole friendship, just tell her the truth, because she constantly keeps making you feel like shit. It doesn't matter if it blows up and you completely lose this friendship, she probably needs to know the truth and hopefully in time, perhaps with her second child she might grow up a bit.

GG1986 · 02/07/2023 21:33

This would piss me right off! Either tell her she is pissing you off with all her views or start to distance yourself.

Baba197 · 02/07/2023 21:33

Ugh! I can’t stand people like this! I’d be backing away from her. All
kids go through fussy stages, as a nanny I weaned loads and all the same way- some grew up into good eaters and some didn’t! If you stress about things it just makes it worse. She sounds unbearable. If you want to continue the friendship each time she makes a comment just casually say well all children are different/ we all do what suits us best etc and move the chat on. Personally I would be distancing myself as people like that drag you down. She could be insecure in her own parenting so tries to make herself feel better by criticising you (I have a “friend” like this who I rarely see now) but if she’s making you feel bad then why put yourself through it?!

BeautifulSloth · 02/07/2023 21:35

Confront it. What have you got to loose? Worse case scenario she doesn't want to see you anymore, well that's not a big problem because you clearly aren't enjoying her company. Best case scenario she apologizes and watches what she says. It's a win win.

Things you could say:

Yeah we parent differently don't we?
I know we parent differently, I don't impose my parenting style on you so please don't do it to me.
I know you do it that way but I am quite happy with doing it this way, what works for yours isn't right for everyone.
That actually makes me feel really judges about the way I parent.
I don't think you relise how judgy you are sounding.

Tophy124 · 02/07/2023 21:37

I don’t agree with the baby walkers or jumparoos but I also keep my mouth shut to people who use them! Lol. Their baby, their choice.

Iwasafool · 02/07/2023 21:37

Do what works for you and as for the sweet tooth I was born when there was sugar rationing and I have a very sweet tooth so I don't think when they have sweet things is much of an issue. Maybe I've got a sweet tooth because I was deprived of sugar early on, hard to know how this stuff works.

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 21:42

If you want to keep her as your friend you’re going to have to stand up for yourself because she’s clearly doing your head in. Don’t let her get away with being sanctimonious. If she’s got any tact, she’ll get the message.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2023 21:43

@luftt

how does she go to the toilet if she won’t leave her baby crying for a few minutes??!

Alwaystired2023 · 02/07/2023 21:53

Often mums like that are so insecure about their own parenting they like to constantly compare - she sounds so unbearable

if you like her company etc could you just maybe try putting her in her place quickly and she hopefully will get the hint ? Not to stoop to her level but it might help you stay friends, something like 'wait until your child turns three they won't eat anything either enjoy your nap trap I'll be cleaning during my baby's nap because I have a second child to clean up after too'

qualitychat · 02/07/2023 21:55

She sounds like a right PITA. I have an aunt who is like this. She is critical of everyone and everything. I actually think people like this are very insecure. I would limit your visits with this friend.

Mmhmmn · 02/07/2023 22:06

How annoying and tedious. She sounds insecure and competitive and I'd be cutting her off for being a constant pain in the ass instead of being an actual friend.

SummerSun04 · 02/07/2023 22:08

If you're confident in your choices then it shouldn't bother you, shut it down.

"I always say it's so nice to see you're enjoying yourself at work and having drinks after with your friends." Maybe she wants the same for you since you think it's so nice and always say it. Or perhaps she thinks you're being sarcastic, or passive-aggressive because you've made a different choice, or whatever else, and has responded accordingly. This goes for everything you've moaned about. It all depends on the context and you can't convey hers.

You either say something to her or you drop the friendship. Unless you just want the internet to agree with your choices and pile on about how annoying she is.

Twiglets1 · 02/07/2023 22:12

She sounds awful. I couldn't cope with this level of judgement from a friend, would have to start to disengage.

Appleblossompetal · 02/07/2023 22:13

She would do my head in. Have you tried rolling your eyes and telling her you did all that with your first, but now you’re a mum of two it simply isn’t possible?

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/07/2023 22:15

You can’t have it both ways I’m afraid - ie you can’t be her friend and not suffer her sanctimonious, pompous jibes and put-downs.

You can’t have her company without that bitter shite.

I would drop her immediately if I were you. Carry on the friendship if you’re prepared to suck it up or challenge her openly every time.

roseopose · 02/07/2023 22:15

I have a similar friend who now has a second child very similar to how my DD was, shit sleeper, constantly on the go and now she just lectures me on how to go about things even more because she has ACTUAL LIVED EXPERIENCE of the issues and is of course sailing through with the help of Instagram and her own desire to be better at mumming than anyone else. So it doesn't always work out helpfully!
Step back, neutral responses. It is really hard to try and maintain a friendship with someone who is hellbent on climbing on your back to feel taller themselves. My friend will text ostensibly to ask how, say, potty training is going and if I give any details or hint it isn't going well, I get a barrage of 'well have you tried just leaving her nappy off? Have you tried involving her in picking pants to wear? Have you got a potty upstairs and downstairs?' like I'm a brain dead idiot. Very wearing and not a mutually supportive friendship which is what you need as a mum.

Similarity · 02/07/2023 22:15

I had a similar ‘friend’

eventually her superior parenting complex and absolute certainty that she was doing things right led to her reporting me to our HV 3 times !!!!
once because I Co slept, then because we weaned ds at 5.5 months not 6 and then because at aged 3.5 we gave him melatonin (he’s Autistic and the wait for a consultant appt was at least 11 months so we got it online as were desperate) luckily the HV was supportive and got us fast tracked for the sleep clinic . I ditched the friend she was a judgemental bitch

Trying2understand · 02/07/2023 22:18

I'm not a big fan of baby groups and will say in my experience you are often thrown together with people you wouldn't be friends with in any other situation. I don't think having dc a similar age is enough to sustain a friendship.

PonkyPonky · 02/07/2023 22:27

Definitely stay friends with her just so you can witness her child becoming fussy

empee47 · 02/07/2023 22:32

OP, don’t worry, your kids, your choice as to how to raise them. Usually preachy parents are pretty insecure in themselves and their choices and try to project that onto you. I’ve never understood competitive parenting - at the end of the day, you’ll never convince me that your kids are better than mine and I’d never convince you that mine are better than yours, so why even bother? It’s just boring!

BeautifulSloth · 02/07/2023 22:33

PonkyPonky · 02/07/2023 22:27

Definitely stay friends with her just so you can witness her child becoming fussy

😂😂

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