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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let 14yo DD set her own morning routine?

175 replies

PhantomUnicorn · 30/06/2023 10:48

Seems like a daft question, but i'm entering new territory here.

Older DS is disabled, so i have to micromanage his mornings to get him ready on time, so our mornings are pretty regimented, this is normal for us and i've done it his entire school 'career' so DD has never known any different.

DS is in yr 11 so just finished school for good, his specialist college placement from september is on a different schedule so i won't need to be getting him up/ready same time as DD who attends mainstream, and my 70yo Mom (who lives with us and does me a huge favour by helping with him in the mornings) will be supervising his morning while i'm on school run with DD.

This morning was first morning that i didn't have to get him up, and just had DD.

Out of habit, we followed the same routine as normal, up at 7 for breakfast, bathroom & dressing at 7.30, out by 8.25. It dawned on me we had LOADS of spare time, we were both ready by 8am...

On the drive to school i chatted with DD, and she asked if she could try getting up at 7.30 on monday, and then setting her own routine instead, i said that as long as she is ready to leave by 8.25, she can do what she likes. She is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast without me hovering once i've got her up.

I came home and told Mom our decision and she seemed really unimpressed, told me that DD will just take advantage and i'll end up more stressed by having to rush her because she daydreams, and i'm just 'making a rod for (my) own back' by allowing her that freedom.

TBH i told her she was being ridiculous, at 14 DD can sort herself with minimum input from me just reminding her of the time while i'm getting myself ready imho and we ended up having a bit of a disagreement about it.

I think at 14 she deserves the chance to try, she can't have me hovering like she is as disabled like her brother all the time, and i think this is a good place to test it/give her chance to prove she can do it.

I'm sure most of you already let your kids do that within reason.. but as i said, whole new territory for me, which feels weird when my DC's are 14 and 16...

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 30/06/2023 10:52

My DC have from the age of 11 or 12 taken the school bus, they know when it leaves and get themselves up in time. Set their own alarms. It is something they are perfectly capable of. They are not babies. Your Mum is being a bit ridiculous.

TokyoSushi · 30/06/2023 10:52

Absolutely give her the freedom, as long as she's ready and done everything that she needs to be 8:25 then no problem. If she's late/not ready etc then you can go back to the old way.

Kingsparkle · 30/06/2023 10:53

I think at 14 she is more than capable. I would have said year 7 is when they needed to start managing their own morning routine and be fully independent with it by 12-13. I appreciate not the same for your DS.

My childhood is not one to be emulated but I was getting up, dressed, fed and out the door to the bus all by myself from Yr 7 onwards and I enjoyed the time to myself. I wouldn’t listen to your Mum on this. She sounds very set in her parenting style and times have evolved.

Nordicrain · 30/06/2023 10:55

That's absolutely fine. I think it's odd to have a set routine for a 14 year old unless she wasn't managing to get ready.

Kingdedede · 30/06/2023 10:57

Absolutely, my 12 year old Autistic DS pretty much does it all himself (I am up getting younger ones ready so will prompt him if needed but rarely does)

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 30/06/2023 10:58

There’s no need to tell your mother the minutia of your life. Your daughter could, theoretically move out at the age of 16, so yes, she should be able to get up and get ready by herself. If she chooses to be late for school there’ll be natural consequences-having to pay for a taxi with her own money, or detention, etc.

Xeren · 30/06/2023 10:59

She’s perfectly fine to get ready by herself at 14. It’ll be great for her confidence.

PithyUsername · 30/06/2023 10:59

My DD is 12, with ADHD and ASD.

Until recently I nudged her along, prompting her to do each step. She would then be driven to school. I also have younger twind with ASD so they all had the same structure and support.

Due to a change in circumstances, she needs to get a bus to school independently so needs to leave 30 mins earlier....OMG...the change in her is unbelievable! As its less chaos with just her, she has become more self sufficient, and gets on with it.

I do keep an eye on things, so checking has she got out the shower, and is generally on track to leave on time, but even this is relaxing a bit.

Try it!

ColdHandsHotHead · 30/06/2023 11:00

Why’s your mum being negative about your DD?

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 30/06/2023 11:01

Just saw your mother lives with you. Still, no need to make it an issue or allow her to start a row about it. ‘Are you not helping 14yr old get ready?’ ‘She’s fine to do it herself.’ ‘But but but wehhhh’ ‘she’s fine.’

neverenoughchelseaboots · 30/06/2023 11:03

From high school my parents did nothing to intervene in my morning routine. It was my responsibility to get up and out the door on time.

There was never an issue.

CherryLipgloss · 30/06/2023 11:03

I have three teens. My only input into their morning routine is to shout "time to go to school!" when we need to leave (I give them a lift to the bus stop).

sneckquine · 30/06/2023 11:04

My DD14 needs to leave by 8 whereas I don't need to leave till 8:45 so she does her whole morning routine by herself & has done for 2 years. I keep an ear out to make sure she's awake & other than that she's on her own. She's slept in a couple of times but that's a learning experience she needed to do

redskytwonight · 30/06/2023 11:07

This is only any sort of question because you're used to needing to provide a greater level of support for your older DC.

Most secondary school pupils get themselves out and to school without any parental input at all. The fact your DD is asking to do it means she is probably frustrated by your current routine.

Incidentally, I'm assuming you're driving your DD because there is no alternative, but if you're just doing it out of habit because of your DS and she could actually walk or get a bus, then maybe consider letting her do that as well?

Chipsahoy · 30/06/2023 11:09

My 15 yr old gets up at 7.20 and leaves at 7.45. I leave him to it. He’s always ready on time.

WhenIWasAFieldMyself · 30/06/2023 11:10

Nordicrain · 30/06/2023 10:55

That's absolutely fine. I think it's odd to have a set routine for a 14 year old unless she wasn't managing to get ready.

This.
It's more surprising she doesn't already sort herself out.

Comedycook · 30/06/2023 11:12

This is absolutely fine. My DC are 12 and 15. They know what time they need to be ready by...as long as it's not a massive rush, they can decide how to structure their mornings. So ds 15, needs to be ready by 8.15. sometimes he get up at 6am and exercises and has breakfast. This morning he was tired so slept till 7.30 then got ready. As long as he's ready by 8.15 it makes no difference to me.

Bøøts · 30/06/2023 11:13

My boys have to leave at 7:30am and have sorted their own mornings since they started secondary. DS1 sometimes needs a shove out of bed but they generally get on with it.

Sounds like your DD is more than capable!

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/06/2023 11:17

I've 'trained'my DC in advance of teen years (kind of had to, as had Hysterectomy and was on my own with them).
Both are ND, but Twin 2 gets herself ready, including her breakfast. Twin 1 needs support all the way.
They're 5, so hoping it lasts.

Diorama1 · 30/06/2023 11:27

You are dead right to start giving her more independence. I am sure some mornings you will have to move her along but that's all part of it.

Both DH and I leave work before 7.30 some mornings and my children 15,13 and 12 get themselves ready for school. They have been doing this about 2 years now.

Zanatdy · 30/06/2023 11:29

My 15yr old has been doing her own morning routine for a couple of years at least

Stickybackplasticbear · 30/06/2023 11:30

I'm sort of surprised she hasn't just been getting on with things herself for a while now. Like alongside you getting ds ready / supporting him. So absolutely normal and she sounds quite sensible so why would she take the piss. Your mum sounds like she thinks kids re this thing to be controlled. Absolutely normal for her to sort herself.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 30/06/2023 11:30

My 12 year old has sorted her own routine this year and there have been a couple of times she's been rushing and forgotten school books, but overall she's done fab!

Peony654 · 30/06/2023 11:31

She definitely needs to manage her own time, as long as she's ready to go that's all that matters.

Brefugee · 30/06/2023 11:34

i think it's important to let them learn to set their own routine. So you can keep half an eye on her, but if she's late, or you can't take her because you need to be somewhere else, then she has to accept the consequences.

It is a sign of maturity that she has asked this. And in any case it is always worth re-evaluating family routines, roles in the family, chores, once a year or so. As DCs grow older they need to be learning how to live independently. This is a good first step.

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