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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let 14yo DD set her own morning routine?

175 replies

PhantomUnicorn · 30/06/2023 10:48

Seems like a daft question, but i'm entering new territory here.

Older DS is disabled, so i have to micromanage his mornings to get him ready on time, so our mornings are pretty regimented, this is normal for us and i've done it his entire school 'career' so DD has never known any different.

DS is in yr 11 so just finished school for good, his specialist college placement from september is on a different schedule so i won't need to be getting him up/ready same time as DD who attends mainstream, and my 70yo Mom (who lives with us and does me a huge favour by helping with him in the mornings) will be supervising his morning while i'm on school run with DD.

This morning was first morning that i didn't have to get him up, and just had DD.

Out of habit, we followed the same routine as normal, up at 7 for breakfast, bathroom & dressing at 7.30, out by 8.25. It dawned on me we had LOADS of spare time, we were both ready by 8am...

On the drive to school i chatted with DD, and she asked if she could try getting up at 7.30 on monday, and then setting her own routine instead, i said that as long as she is ready to leave by 8.25, she can do what she likes. She is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast without me hovering once i've got her up.

I came home and told Mom our decision and she seemed really unimpressed, told me that DD will just take advantage and i'll end up more stressed by having to rush her because she daydreams, and i'm just 'making a rod for (my) own back' by allowing her that freedom.

TBH i told her she was being ridiculous, at 14 DD can sort herself with minimum input from me just reminding her of the time while i'm getting myself ready imho and we ended up having a bit of a disagreement about it.

I think at 14 she deserves the chance to try, she can't have me hovering like she is as disabled like her brother all the time, and i think this is a good place to test it/give her chance to prove she can do it.

I'm sure most of you already let your kids do that within reason.. but as i said, whole new territory for me, which feels weird when my DC's are 14 and 16...

OP posts:
FrenchFancie · 02/07/2023 07:55

Dd has more or less been getting herself ready since year 2 - I always get her breakfast because I’m already in the kitchen pottering about. She knows that the school bus leaves from the top of the road at 8.15 and, whatever condition she is in, she’s on the bus! I’ve never had to follow through with this, although a few years ago we had a close shave where I honestly though she’d be going in in her PJs…

XelaM · 02/07/2023 08:01

My 13-year-old sets her own alarm and even gets up at 6:30am on a Sunday to go to her weekend job.

hoophoophooray · 02/07/2023 08:02

My big two are on a school bus, they have to leave the house by 7.35am to catch it. They sort themselves out, but know that come what may, they have to be on the bus. DS has never missed it in 2 years, he's pretty organised - DD is much more haphazard but has only missed it 3 or 4 times in 4 years. It does then good to set their own routine I think

AlbaDT · 02/07/2023 08:04

Your daughter can absolutely do this. I have two children of the same ages and I leave the house before them in the morning for work. They have always got themselves up and ready for school and have never been late.

UltraProcessedPerson · 02/07/2023 08:05

My DC have set their own routine since they were about 5/6! At 14 I was solely responsible for getting myself up and to school on time. She is completely capable.

Pashazade · 02/07/2023 08:10

At 14 I got up to an empty house, made breakfast, cycled to the bus stop and then caught the bus. She will be fine. Give her the responsibility of setting her alarm and getting up when she needs to. She can do it.

NobbyButtons · 02/07/2023 08:12

At 14 she should be able to sort herself out and will hopefully soon get into her own routine. When I was that age my mum had left for work before I got up! My son has been getting himself ready in the morning and leaving on time for school through the whole of Year 7.

primoseyellow · 02/07/2023 08:14

Definitely let her sort her own routine in the morning. It's good practice for when she is in college/uni. I was getting myself up and making packed lunch and walking to school alone from 10. Although once in secondary school I went with my sister as we had to get the tube right across London.

JFDIYOLO · 02/07/2023 08:16

It isn't your daughter who needs to learn to change and adapt to new circumstances.

It's you and your mum.

You'll be the one who find this hardest.

I'd ask her what her new morning plan is, to prompt her to make one, if she hasn't yet.

Then let her get on with it.

And focus on how you're feeling about feeling a little less needed and in control.

Dollmeup · 02/07/2023 08:22

I get where you are coming from. Similar dynamic here though my two are a bit younger. I tend to just keep to the routine for my youngest and I forget that she is actually capable of doing things for herself at times.

Give it a try and see how she gets on. Just be firm with your mum that she deserves a chance to try and do things on her own, but reassure her that you will step in after a while if it isn't working out. She's probably used to being needed by the kids and it will be an adjustment for her too.

thirdfiddle · 02/07/2023 08:30

Getting herself up in the morning is an important skill to learn, and when she's asking is the perfect time to start on it. Even if she isn't perfect to start with.
I would hope they would at 14 tbh, though as a family we help each other out - if someone isn't awake when we think they should be we give them a knock. Adults included.

ChateauMargaux · 02/07/2023 08:35

Make a new schedule.. agree to review if it not working..

Parisj · 02/07/2023 08:41

She deserves to grow and develop and make mistakes and make your life difficult too sometimes, it sounds like you are doing a great job with all of them OP. So what if it doesn't go perfect, you have listened to her unique needs, worked out an experiment and are being the right parent for her.

Thoughtful2355 · 02/07/2023 08:44

we did it from 12... we helped when needed and asked but other than that they get themselves dressed and fed and onto the school bus, if they are late they get consequences. Its a good life lesson for when you WONT be in theyre life in the mornings to do it all, when they have to get to the job that they have etc.

Hidinginaonesie · 02/07/2023 08:45

Absolutely let her!! Especially as she has requested it. My two have totally different schedules as ds has to leave an hour before dd so none of us really see each other in the morning until it’s time to leave. Been this way since yr7 for both. Ds has sen, but is actually faster and more organised than his sister.

WonderingWanda · 02/07/2023 08:48

My ds sorts himself out in the mornings. The only thing I do is make sure he is awake at the time his alarm goes off, he is a deep sleeper and sleeps through it.

maybein2022 · 02/07/2023 08:48

I think because you’ve always had to help your older child, it’s become habit with your younger one. I have absolutely no input in my 14 year old’s morning routine- I hear her alarm go off, she gets up, gets ready and leaves at 7.30 for her train. When she was 11/12 I might ask if she had everything eg travel card, phone, water etc, but not any more. Hope it goes well for you! Independence is great for them.

Iwasafool · 02/07/2023 08:49

Well if it doesn't work you can revert back to the original plan. I can't see why there would be any drama about this, it isn't like she's doing something that can't be changed.

CremeEggThief · 02/07/2023 08:51

You are massively overthinking this.

I was entirely in charge of getting myself up, fed and out from as soon I started secondary school at 12.

mumofteenss · 02/07/2023 09:07

Ive done an hour in work before my 14 and 16 are even getting up. at that age its fine for them to take on that responsibility. I get both of them to text me as the leave. My 16 year old is late occasionally as he dordles, the 14 year old is never late.

Pythonesque · 02/07/2023 09:07

She's used to the idea that a routine makes it easy to do things in the morning. She'll almost certainly be fine.
Thinking about it, my youngest was getting himself to school independently without reminders from summer term of year 6; even if I wasn't even up. Ours ended up in boarding senior schools (long story!) and by 14 I'd say both of them were packing independently and letting us know when they were ready to go regardless of whether they'd been home for the weekend with just a few things, or collecting up everything after several weeks' holiday.

CapEBarra · 02/07/2023 09:12

Yes, she absolutely should be getting herself ready for school by now. Mine were doing it since year 7 including laundering their uniforms (for which they get pocket money). A key part of our job as parents is to prepare our children to be functioning, competent, adults and they should be given opportunities to develop independence once they are ready or express an interest in doing so.

ActDottie · 02/07/2023 09:12

in year 7 I had to start managing my own morning routine so 14 is definitely okay to do this

katepilar · 02/07/2023 09:14

She is fine to do her own thing.
I would discuss what input she would like from you if any. She may want to get up completely independently, she may prefer you to wake her up for example. Work out plan for times she isnt up by certain time.

Slavica · 02/07/2023 09:14

Perfectly fine, let her try.
My DD15 has been doing this without an issue since she was 11, and many kids will be capable of this.

I myself wasn't; I am not a morning person, and I was even less so in my teens, so would consistently oversleep. My mom had to physically get me out of bed. I was in most other ways responsible and mature, but I was overtired and probably overextended with activities (all entirely through my own choice). I am glad my parents never tried to make an example out of it; I eventually managed to sort out my morning routine, probably very late in comparison to the average.