To let 14yo DD set her own morning routine?

[PhantomUnicorn]

Seems like a daft question, but i'm entering new territory here.

Older DS is disabled, so i have to micromanage his mornings to get him ready on time, so our mornings are pretty regimented, this is normal for us and i've done it his entire school 'career' so DD has never known any different.

DS is in yr 11 so just finished school for good, his specialist college placement from september is on a different schedule so i won't need to be getting him up/ready same time as DD who attends mainstream, and my 70yo Mom (who lives with us and does me a huge favour by helping with him in the mornings) will be supervising his morning while i'm on school run with DD.

This morning was first morning that i didn't have to get him up, and just had DD.

Out of habit, we followed the same routine as normal, up at 7 for breakfast, bathroom & dressing at 7.30, out by 8.25. It dawned on me we had LOADS of spare time, we were both ready by 8am...

On the drive to school i chatted with DD, and she asked if she could try getting up at 7.30 on monday, and then setting her own routine instead, i said that as long as she is ready to leave by 8.25, she can do what she likes. She is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast without me hovering once i've got her up.

I came home and told Mom our decision and she seemed really unimpressed, told me that DD will just take advantage and i'll end up more stressed by having to rush her because she daydreams, and i'm just 'making a rod for (my) own back' by allowing her that freedom.

TBH i told her she was being ridiculous, at 14 DD can sort herself with minimum input from me just reminding her of the time while i'm getting myself ready imho and we ended up having a bit of a disagreement about it.

I think at 14 she deserves the chance to try, she can't have me hovering like she is as disabled like her brother all the time, and i think this is a good place to test it/give her chance to prove she can do it.

I'm sure most of you already let your kids do that within reason.. but as i said, whole new territory for me, which feels weird when my DC's are 14 and 16...

My DD's got themselves up, breakfast and to the bus on time from 11, my eldest is autistic and I would check they were up but 95% of the time no issues, even with disabilities you need to teach them then let them manage themselves if they are going to have any independence, even if that means failing sometimes

Of course.

DD is 14, end of Year 9. She gets woken up with a drink. Knows what time we need to leave for her lift to a meeting point with friends. Couple of yells up the stairs in between to make sure she is actually out of bed and moving. grumpy response to crises about missing elements of school uniform. The rest is up to her.

If she's late and misses walking with her friends that's on her, as are any school consequences for late arrival.

I regard that as quite generous. We do it because we can and because she's a night owl who genuinely finds waking up and getting going quite hard.

Apart from the odd nudge or reminder about the time 14yo DS manages himself. We make sure he is up by 6.45 and gets straight in the shower. As long as he's dressed and at the bus stop by 7.40 anything else he doesn't manage to do is his problem.

You should definitely give your DD the chance to do things herself. I can't understand why your DM would just assume she will fail without letting her try, seems rather defeatist and unkind.

Of course it's fine, it's a good thing. All I'd say to her is "we need to leave at 8.25 so ill see you at the car then, ready to go. If you don't make it to the car in time you'll need to find a bus"

The fact that your daughter asked you in this sensible conversation shows that she is more than ready. Time to give her more responsibility in this and other ways. Let her fly!

How are they supposed to learn to manage for themselves if we micromanage everything for them? Your Mum doesn't seem to have a very high opinion of her granddaughter.

DTs are 11 and have been doing this since they started secondary and were mostly doing it in Y6

Our 13 year old had been sorting himself since 11 no problems whatsoever

my DD 13 has to catch school bus at 8.10-8.15 she gets herself up and ready ( about 22 hours early for make up and hair!!!) she has 3 free passes a year one a term when if she misses bus I'll take her more than that and it's next regular bus and a mile walk she will be an hour late and have to deal with consequences; she knows this and it has never happened. If I'm working in town about every 3 times a month I'll drop her at school on my way past same if I happen to be passing around 3.30

Your DD is growing up and asking for personal responsibility, give it to her. At worst she will be late for school on a couple of days until she finds her feet. Your mum was brought up in a different generation and may be a bit over protective.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable, she definitely needs space to manage herself. But your mum may also be right in the long run as none of us have a crystal ball. I wouldn't bother discussing it too much, a simple "yes, perhaps. We're going to trial it for 3 months then DD and I will chat about how it's going. So what are your plans for today?"

My 11 & 9 year olds manage to do this with only a reminder to brush their teeth and put their shoes on when it’s time to leave.

They wake up, make their beds, dress, eat breakfast and pack their bags, most of which is done before I arrive downstairs.

I’m sure your 14 year old will manage.

Your dd is having to manage herself at school getting to lesdonscon time. I think its well overdue that dd gets herself ready and sets own time table. Don't worry your mother with your decisions. Just do it. You need to encourage self reliance and indendence in dd. In 2 years time she can legally be a married mother. Time flies.

Of course that's fine (I was doing it from 7, mother still in bed,not that I'm recommending that!!). Mine were all fully responsible for themselves from secondary school, including homework, with maybe a shout up the stairs to eldest who was loath to get out of bed but youngest used to have his own bag ready and by the front door the night before from 7/8 yrs old. He is a creature of habit and routine though. They are all different so you adjust yourself to what they need whatever their age🥰

14 is quite old to be only just starting to do this. I was doing this way earlier, though our schools were pretty close to home. The fact she's keen is totally natural, a part of her maturing brain driving her to new autonomy and independence.

Might you and your mum have been babying her somewhat; being used to another child who needs micromanaging?

And might your mum suddenly be feeling less necessary, less useful and this reaction towards DD's new urge for independence could be her feeling anxious about her own place in the family?

Let DD set and manage her own routine There will be cockups. Maybe upsets. Let them happen - they aren't evidence you shouldnt be doing this.

This is all about learning and the routine will settle and become normal.

She'll be fine! Just hover nearby the first few days. Or go through a checklist beforehand. My 15 yr old has ADHD so this was a tricky stage but has managed from about 12/13. I do make his lunch for him though.

She does manage herself to some extent, my focus is on chivvying DS along, but as i said, our morning is a regimented timetabled routine otherwise i would never get DS out the door.. so we have set times for breakfast, who is in the bathroom, what is done when and in what order....etc, alarms and reminder bells going off all morning, and i'm operating as a speaking clock around making lunches and helping DS wash and dress.

By backing off, i'm basically going to get DD up at 7.30, leave at 8.25, and leave her to decide what order she does things in herself.

@redskytwonight unfortunately my driving her is necessity, school is in the next town over and there are no buses that time of morning that make it in time.

Might your mum be concerned that she will become somewhat redundant now the children are getting older?

Your DD sounds very sensible and mature. Promoting independence in teens is very important and the fact that she has asked to do this is great. Thank your Mum for all her help but tell her you are encouraging DD's independence. Really it is none of her business, but I would not say so explicitly, given how much help she gives you with DS.

Ds has been doing this since he started high school, he knows he needs to be in shower by 7.45 and has to leave at 8.20 never been any issues.

By backing off, i'm basically going to get DD up at 7.30, leave at 8.25, and leave her to decide what order she does things in herself.

No, no no. Don't get DD up - that's still micromanaging her. She's asked to manage her own routine. Let her choose what time she gets up. If she's not emerged by 8.15am, then and only then you can shout "going in 10 minutes" up the stairs. If she wasn't reliant on you for a lift (so it's putting you out) I wouldn't even do that.

As PP's have said, your DM may be loath to see DD spreading her wings a little; it's nice to feel needed, and it sounds as if she's been a great support.
You can acknowledge this, while reminding her that when she was the same age as your DD is now, some youngsters left school at 15 and entered the world of work.
It sounds as if DD is more than ready for this, and if she slips up a few times - well, better to do it now than when she leaves home (for example) to go to university.

My eldest is 9 and sets her own morning routine- 14 is fine. Gentle encouragements to get things done in time is fine. She doesn't need regimented timetables now, let her be a normal teenager

My kids have managed their own morning routine from start of year 7. We discuss what time I knock on door and if they need a reminder. But don’t need a lift, get bus. I don’t get involved. Not clear why she couldn’t do this earlier or why your mum does t agree.

As everyone has said, it’s both fine and, indeed, important for your DD to do this. However, I can also completely understand why both you and your mum feel unsure about it. You’ve both been operating with commendable military precision for years now, from necessity. It’s hard to move from ‘high alert’ to a more laissez-faire state of being. Please don’t worry if there are a few bumps along the road.

If you find it hard to be hands-off in the morning and find yourself hovering around DD, just try to distract yourself by putting on some loads of laundry or something. If you find yourself sitting in the car fretting because DD is late, have an audio book to hand and try to have a mantra: “this is all part of the process”. Try not to rage if DD is slow/late at times.

I know some people have said ignore your mum but I would take a different approach and speak to her beforehand and say that you understand all her feelings but that you feel you’re doing DD a disservice if you don’t allow her to have normal independence at this age. Ask your mum to support you, despite any reservations she may feel. Otherwise you risk her saying ‘I told you so’ if things aren’t smooth, which could make you feel stressed especially if you’re already a little out of your comfort zone.

Good luck!