To let 14yo DD set her own morning routine?

[PhantomUnicorn]

Seems like a daft question, but i'm entering new territory here.

Older DS is disabled, so i have to micromanage his mornings to get him ready on time, so our mornings are pretty regimented, this is normal for us and i've done it his entire school 'career' so DD has never known any different.

DS is in yr 11 so just finished school for good, his specialist college placement from september is on a different schedule so i won't need to be getting him up/ready same time as DD who attends mainstream, and my 70yo Mom (who lives with us and does me a huge favour by helping with him in the mornings) will be supervising his morning while i'm on school run with DD.

This morning was first morning that i didn't have to get him up, and just had DD.

Out of habit, we followed the same routine as normal, up at 7 for breakfast, bathroom & dressing at 7.30, out by 8.25. It dawned on me we had LOADS of spare time, we were both ready by 8am...

On the drive to school i chatted with DD, and she asked if she could try getting up at 7.30 on monday, and then setting her own routine instead, i said that as long as she is ready to leave by 8.25, she can do what she likes. She is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast without me hovering once i've got her up.

I came home and told Mom our decision and she seemed really unimpressed, told me that DD will just take advantage and i'll end up more stressed by having to rush her because she daydreams, and i'm just 'making a rod for (my) own back' by allowing her that freedom.

TBH i told her she was being ridiculous, at 14 DD can sort herself with minimum input from me just reminding her of the time while i'm getting myself ready imho and we ended up having a bit of a disagreement about it.

I think at 14 she deserves the chance to try, she can't have me hovering like she is as disabled like her brother all the time, and i think this is a good place to test it/give her chance to prove she can do it.

I'm sure most of you already let your kids do that within reason.. but as i said, whole new territory for me, which feels weird when my DC's are 14 and 16...

Goodness my nearly 11 year old has been sorting his own morning routine for the past 4 years including making sure I has breakfast club tokens ready as well!
He's also never had a set brd time as he's always got up on time, does what he needs to do in the morning and puts 110% effort in at school.

My mum was a headteacher so from the age of 11, I was on my own in the house from 7.30am and got myself ready, had breakfast and walked 20 mins to my high school with my friends. I loved the independence!

well all teens are different. My 15 yo ds won't get up without constant nagging. He sleeps through his alarm and I have to yell up the stairs every morning. If I'm not there he just sleeps in.

My daughters have all managed to get themselves up. But, they all appreciate me going in and saying good morning and giving them a coffee.

I don't mind doing that, and I have 3 children who've left home and are functioning pretty well in the adult world.

My older three secondary age children have done this since they started in year 7. I thought it was pretty normal.

They wake themselves up at 6.30, get dressed, brush teeth, make bed and have breakfast. The bus comes at 7.35 and they’re always ready.

Oh just to add I dont lay in bed while they do this 😂 I have younger kids so I’m around helping them. I also make them a coffee if they haven’t already done so when I come downstairs.

Does she not have an alarm on her phone, or why do you need to wake her up or even decide what time she should wake up?

Oh bless her that she has asked.

If it has always been quite regimented it might take her a bit of time to adjust.

I mean doesn't need to leave the house until 8.25-what luxury!

I'd be in bed until 8!

I mean for me half an hour for breakfast followed by an hour to shower/dress get out of the door seems an inordinate amount of time!

I’m sure DS was setting his own morning routine since he was 10. He was an early raiser, I often found him downstairs having breakfast already in his uniform at 7.

He has ADHD but once mine, his or whatever routine was established, he just rolled with it.

See how it goes. Review it after three days if she is struggling and ask her what she needs help with – timings/reminders/ breakfast prep etc and what she thinks she can manage unaided. if she is fine, leave her to it.

I think it's easy for 70 year-old to think of a 14 year-old as a child, forgetting they were probably very responsible and fairly at that age themselves. Ask your mum of what she was capable of at 14.

That's impressive, especially with ADHD!

Mine (also ADHD) never did. Right up to 6th form, I got them up, because school was a long journey away and they are both night owls so struggled in the mornings. I think I made their breakfast every single day until they left home, except at weekends and in summer holidays.

My children were sorting themselves out in the morning from much younger than 14. I used to pop in and wake them up then leave them to it.

I’m the same age as the OP’s mother.
My own children got themselves sorted and ready for school from when they were 9 or 10, and made their own way there. I myself used to escort my younger brothers to school when I was eight and they were five and six - about half a mile (1950s). This was not unusual.

It's unusual to be barking out a regimental timetable to a 14 year old, but given your former circumstances its understandable.
Things are different now and the new routine needs to reflect this. At 14 I'd expect your daughter to be establishing her own routine. Just check she knows what's expected of her and what time she needs to be ready to leave, give her the freedom to give it a go....but be prepared to 'prompt' from time to time. Tbh many adults need a bit of a 'prompt' now and then and this isn't evidence of her taking a mile. I'm sure she no more wants to he late than you.

From year 7 my daughter has set her own routine

shes Up before us
on the odd occasion she’s missed the alarm
we would wake her when we get up which still gives her plenty of time
but she’s up at 6.40
out the door at 7.55
school is a 12 minute walk
she’s always there 20mins early for chatting

try it
if it doesn’t work out
try something else

Yes of course it's fine. I would keep an eye to make sure she doesn't sleep through her alarm, but otherwise let her organise her own time. At 14 she should be more than capable.

My daughter's been organising her mornings since she started year 11 in Sept. Sometimes she's left the house before I'm awake! She leaves at 7.20

I think going from a strict, regimented routine to do whatever you want, is going to be a disaster.

We all need a routine, even I have a routine in the mornings.

I personally would wake up at 7:30 and keep the same routine.
Then after a couple of weeks slowly start pulling away so she is able to choose when and how she wants to do things whilst having a set routine in her mind.

Giving independence is fantastic and so important but it cannot be achieved overnight and if as you say it’s always been so regimented then I think you’ll be setting her up to fail.

Interestingly my 10 year old does her own thing most mornings. She’s an early riser and is usually up before me. My alarm is 7 and I get up after the 7am news. Often though she’s watching something but as soon as she hears me get up she’s straight in the shower, dressed then down for breakfast and makes her own packed lunch. Usually has a spare half hour before she needs to leave for school. This school year (y6) she’s started walking to school so often when I’m in the shower I hear her about that she’s off. It’s different on my work days (I’m part time) as I have to have her out by 7:15 to drop at wrap around and shes not always away at 6:30.

Elder DD who is autistic and 13 (y9) is a totally different kettle of fish. She needs dragging out of bed and micromanaging until she gets out of the house. On my work days I insist I can see her out of bed before I leave and then she has a good hour til she needs to leave and get herself sorted. She does manage it but we have had to set Alexa a few times to remind her otherwise she will easily lose track of time. She is actually worse on my days off and gets up later and takes longer knowing I’ll give her a lift - I shouldn’t but I do. She struggles with some aspects of her routine in the morning (going to the loo) which often makes her late and which she has a OCD around. When younger dd goes up to secondary in September I’ve told her no more lifts.

My mum often likes to have an opinion on how I parent but I do let her know that ultimately it’s my job not hers.

I’d say let your child do their own routine and work it all out. See how it goes.

Christ my 8 year old does her own morning routine! She sets her alarm for 7am, gets ready and leaves with her friends at 8:20. I couldn’t imagine being this involved with a bloody 14 year old!

Your mum would hate our routine! Dd1 is at college and sorts herself out. Some mornings i don't even see her before she leaves. Dd2 is 14. She gets herself up, dressed, whatever, gets ds (7) up, sets out his breakfast, finishes her jobs and leaves at 7.50. Most mornings I'm about anyway but that's just her routine that she's chosen. She's not expected to feed ds but she does. She will do his lunches too.
I work until very late in the evenings so I don't have time to do it and often haven't slept all that well so take a bit of time to get going in the morning.
Give your dd a chance. Your mum is assuming she will fail.

Mine always sorted themselves out once in secondary as we all left at different times. Luckily mine are ok with time and organisation so can sort their own stuff. If they want breakfast then they find time to slot it in and sort. Occasionally they have overslept or I’ve had to shout them to get up. But that would happen on an imposed schedule too, I expect. I think it’s really important they learn to self manage though accept some kids need more help (I’m not taking here about your elder one who you and your mum really look after).

She wants to be more independent so I would let her. It's all part of her becoming an adult. My DS needed me to wake him at that age but did everything else.

As long as she's ready I time it should be ok. I think she will do it!

Is your mum upset because she’ll be the one doing all the work now with ds whilst she thinks you’ll be swanning around doing nothing?

When you try it, she’ll see the practicalities properly and you can reassess ds getting ready too.

My children starting setting their own routine since 8yo - with a little bit of chivvying along when they were younger. Now 11 and 14 and i don’t even get involved (other than knocking their door if I haven’t seen them in case they have slept through their alarm). They sort own breakfasts, pack bags etc - older one has been late to school a couple of times (she leaves on time so probably dawdling with her mates) and we get a text so have had a word but no one’s perfect!

I would definitely let your daughter sort out her own routine and if there are hiccups, you can both discuss them. It doesn’t really have anything to do with your mum - did she micro manage you, as a child?

Good on your daughter for wanting to become more independant. Support her by buying her a proper alarm clock, ensure she knows how to work it and let her get herself up. She probably has an alarm on her phone, but this is a recognition that she is growing up and she can take the alarm when she moves out... and she will one day!!😁
I think your Mum might be feeling less 'needed' and a bit wobbily about her place in the home. So maybe a bit of reassurance that you value her in the family... how happy you are that things will be more relaxed and you can sit with a cup of tea together in the morning or similar?
You are still a multi-generation family , all supporting each other.