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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let 14yo DD set her own morning routine?

175 replies

PhantomUnicorn · 30/06/2023 10:48

Seems like a daft question, but i'm entering new territory here.

Older DS is disabled, so i have to micromanage his mornings to get him ready on time, so our mornings are pretty regimented, this is normal for us and i've done it his entire school 'career' so DD has never known any different.

DS is in yr 11 so just finished school for good, his specialist college placement from september is on a different schedule so i won't need to be getting him up/ready same time as DD who attends mainstream, and my 70yo Mom (who lives with us and does me a huge favour by helping with him in the mornings) will be supervising his morning while i'm on school run with DD.

This morning was first morning that i didn't have to get him up, and just had DD.

Out of habit, we followed the same routine as normal, up at 7 for breakfast, bathroom & dressing at 7.30, out by 8.25. It dawned on me we had LOADS of spare time, we were both ready by 8am...

On the drive to school i chatted with DD, and she asked if she could try getting up at 7.30 on monday, and then setting her own routine instead, i said that as long as she is ready to leave by 8.25, she can do what she likes. She is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast without me hovering once i've got her up.

I came home and told Mom our decision and she seemed really unimpressed, told me that DD will just take advantage and i'll end up more stressed by having to rush her because she daydreams, and i'm just 'making a rod for (my) own back' by allowing her that freedom.

TBH i told her she was being ridiculous, at 14 DD can sort herself with minimum input from me just reminding her of the time while i'm getting myself ready imho and we ended up having a bit of a disagreement about it.

I think at 14 she deserves the chance to try, she can't have me hovering like she is as disabled like her brother all the time, and i think this is a good place to test it/give her chance to prove she can do it.

I'm sure most of you already let your kids do that within reason.. but as i said, whole new territory for me, which feels weird when my DC's are 14 and 16...

OP posts:
Manthide · 02/07/2023 10:51

I think all my 4dc have set their own routine since they started secondary school and even before then I would just give gentle reminders about the time etc. There might be a few hiccups in the beginning but it is an important step.

museumum · 02/07/2023 10:53

I think it’s really important that you explain to your mum that you all need to start treating dd in an age appropriate way.
it will be an adjustment and she may well fail sometimes but that’s essential for an NT and able-bodied teen. She must be ready for the world in four years time (or less) and that means letting her take more responsibility. This is as much your duty as supporting your ds with his needs is.

BeverlyHa · 02/07/2023 10:54

She should be capable, if you try the new routine and then she is not, say Thank you Mum, for your wisdom and re-arrange the cards and that was that.

PushmePull · 02/07/2023 10:54

Batalax · 02/07/2023 10:33

Is your mum upset because she’ll be the one doing all the work now with ds whilst she thinks you’ll be swanning around doing nothing?

When you try it, she’ll see the practicalities properly and you can reassess ds getting ready too.

This! I wonder if your mum feels she has got the raw end of the deal. Maybe give her the choice between doing DS and DD in the morning.

IamnotHWhittier · 02/07/2023 11:03

Most kids, or a lot at least, are getting up and getting themselves sorted at that age with a lot of parents already on their way to work.
Many from the time they start senior school.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 02/07/2023 11:03

My kids have been responsible for getting themselves up and breakfasted since they were in year 4 (and two of them are ND). Youngest is still at junior school so he gets taken to school but the older 3 are all required to get themselves to school on time and they all manage it.

It is a rare occasion they sleep through the alarm and I will wake them because I’m not a monster. But if they go to school with no breakfast on a day they’ve got themselves up then I tell them it’s their responsibility.

SayHi · 02/07/2023 11:16

Maztek · 02/07/2023 10:13

Christ my 8 year old does her own morning routine! She sets her alarm for 7am, gets ready and leaves with her friends at 8:20. I couldn’t imagine being this involved with a bloody 14 year old!

Obviously your situation is very different to OPs and there are reasons why OP had to be so regimented.

I personally think 8 is too young to be setting their own alarm, getting themselves ready and walking to school without a parent.
It just sounds like lazy parenting tbh.

HarrietStyles · 02/07/2023 11:26

My kids are aged between 6 and 11. Their alarm clock goes off at 6.30am and we leave for the school run at 8am. They all make their own breakfast, get themselves washed, dressed, ready for school. They sometimes need a little prompting at the last minute, but generally they are all very capable of getting themselves ready and managing their own time. We do our kids no favours if we don’t allow them to learn independence. At 14 your daughter is more than capable of doing this all by herself………. And old enough to deal with the consequences herself if she is late for school.

HippeePrincess · 02/07/2023 11:33

Both my primary school children 8 & 11 have been getting up to their own alarms and getting themselves completely ready for years. I give them a 15 minute warning before we are leaving and at this point check they’ve done everything.
I’m also really surprised she’s not been doing her own thing while you’ve been doing yours with your ds.

MrsMiddleMother · 02/07/2023 11:54

Go for it op! Our 13 year old has being doing this for a couple of years now, we wake her up at 6.30 and she has to be ready to leave at 7.30 but whatever happens in between is up to her

MrsMiddleMother · 02/07/2023 11:56

SayHi · 02/07/2023 11:16

Obviously your situation is very different to OPs and there are reasons why OP had to be so regimented.

I personally think 8 is too young to be setting their own alarm, getting themselves ready and walking to school without a parent.
It just sounds like lazy parenting tbh.

Show quote history

Completely agree with this! There is a difference between building independence and lazy parenting.

Maztek · 02/07/2023 11:57

Lazy parenting 🤣

She likes to be in control of her own routine. Doesn’t make me a lazy parent thanks.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 02/07/2023 12:02

Definitely, it’s in her interests to learn how manage her time independently.

DD is nearly 8 and does the morning by herself, I just keep an eye from a distance that she’s on track and I’m available to help if she needs it (with hair etc)

ClaireandTed · 02/07/2023 12:22

Sounds absolutely fine to me.

At aged eleven I got two buses to school, and had to leave at 7.20. When I left the house my mum was still asleep!

Bromptotoo · 02/07/2023 12:24

By the time I was that age I was left to myself to be dressed and ready for when Mum left for work and dropped us off for school.

Obvs, if she's not managing it correctly then intervention might be needed.

A call at 10mins to leaving time mifgt be helpfull

Original poster
PhantomUnicorn · 02/07/2023 12:31

just to make a point, i don't micromanage DD in the morning, its just her routine is strict by default as she is working around the very strict routine i have for DS to get him ready.

Not having to work around him means she has an hour to eat/wash/dress/pack at her own pace without alarms going off at 20 minute intervals to keep the ball rolling. i will likely just give her a 15/10/5 minute warning of leaving.

OP posts:
MyDogStoodOnABee · 02/07/2023 12:32

Stop checking in with your mum 😂 cut your apron strings, then cut your daughters.

Original poster
PhantomUnicorn · 02/07/2023 12:36

MyDogStoodOnABee · 02/07/2023 12:32

Stop checking in with your mum 😂 cut your apron strings, then cut your daughters.

i wasn't checking with her, I was doing the polite thing and letting her know about a change in the households morning routine... you know, having a conversation, like you do with other people you live with when the change will affect their morning.

OP posts:
notsofamous · 02/07/2023 12:50

PhantomUnicorn · 02/07/2023 12:31

just to make a point, i don't micromanage DD in the morning, its just her routine is strict by default as she is working around the very strict routine i have for DS to get him ready.

Not having to work around him means she has an hour to eat/wash/dress/pack at her own pace without alarms going off at 20 minute intervals to keep the ball rolling. i will likely just give her a 15/10/5 minute warning of leaving.

i will likely just give her a 15/10/5 minute warning of leaving.

She is 14!! 😂 She needs to be independent, you are not doing her any favours. Just leave her alone fgs, she knows what time you have to leave for school.

pimplesquisher · 02/07/2023 13:02

My kids have done this since secondary school. I'm out of the house before them so they need to keep to time.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2023 13:31

I understand why you've had to be 'regimented' in the mornings due to your DS's needs. And it's perfectly reasonable of DD to request things be 'loosened up' now that the regimentation is no longer needed.

Your mum was out of order to be critical. It's up to DD to prove that she can keep herself 'on task' and be ready to leave at the appointed time. At 14 she's perfectly capable, I was doing it by 12 and so were my DC! If Mum brings it up again I'd just say "Well Mum, the proof of the pudding is in the eating so I'm going to try it DD's way for now".

And don't allow her to 'supervise' DD's new routine nor to criticize if there's a 'slip up' here and there. I can't think of a single adult who hasn't been late to work or had to be rushed out the door at times. I agree with a 10 minute warning to start with. You can gradually do away with it once she's used to her new routine.

Creepyrosemary · 02/07/2023 13:34

Your child is 14. In 4 more years they're 18 and supposed to be able to be independent. How is she going to learn if you keep micromanaging her? Loosen a bit, let her make a few mistakes and teach her how to become independent. That's your job as a parent (plus a lot of love of course).

Scotsgranny · 02/07/2023 14:03

I haven't read all the posts here, but I would agree that your daughter at 14 will be very capable of getting herself ready in the mornings. I would just say that if you've always been the manager, and she really hasn't had to do it independently so far, she might be more likely to achieve success with some tactful, discreet staging to get there fully. (Is it PE today? Did you find the change I left out for your lunch?)
Could your Mum feel resentful that she's been left with the harder job, or think that if you took that over, there's no role for her at all?

Doone21 · 02/07/2023 14:15

It'll be good for her. I gave my boy checkpoints, 15 mins to breakfast, 15 mins to do lunch, 15 mins to dress, 15 mins to do bag, teeth and get out the door. He gets a reminder only if I can see him missing a checkpoint

notsofamous · 02/07/2023 14:31

Doone21 · 02/07/2023 14:15

It'll be good for her. I gave my boy checkpoints, 15 mins to breakfast, 15 mins to do lunch, 15 mins to dress, 15 mins to do bag, teeth and get out the door. He gets a reminder only if I can see him missing a checkpoint

But surely you did not do this when he was at the age of 14..?