To let 14yo DD set her own morning routine?

[PhantomUnicorn]

Seems like a daft question, but i'm entering new territory here.

Older DS is disabled, so i have to micromanage his mornings to get him ready on time, so our mornings are pretty regimented, this is normal for us and i've done it his entire school 'career' so DD has never known any different.

DS is in yr 11 so just finished school for good, his specialist college placement from september is on a different schedule so i won't need to be getting him up/ready same time as DD who attends mainstream, and my 70yo Mom (who lives with us and does me a huge favour by helping with him in the mornings) will be supervising his morning while i'm on school run with DD.

This morning was first morning that i didn't have to get him up, and just had DD.

Out of habit, we followed the same routine as normal, up at 7 for breakfast, bathroom & dressing at 7.30, out by 8.25. It dawned on me we had LOADS of spare time, we were both ready by 8am...

On the drive to school i chatted with DD, and she asked if she could try getting up at 7.30 on monday, and then setting her own routine instead, i said that as long as she is ready to leave by 8.25, she can do what she likes. She is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast without me hovering once i've got her up.

I came home and told Mom our decision and she seemed really unimpressed, told me that DD will just take advantage and i'll end up more stressed by having to rush her because she daydreams, and i'm just 'making a rod for (my) own back' by allowing her that freedom.

TBH i told her she was being ridiculous, at 14 DD can sort herself with minimum input from me just reminding her of the time while i'm getting myself ready imho and we ended up having a bit of a disagreement about it.

I think at 14 she deserves the chance to try, she can't have me hovering like she is as disabled like her brother all the time, and i think this is a good place to test it/give her chance to prove she can do it.

I'm sure most of you already let your kids do that within reason.. but as i said, whole new territory for me, which feels weird when my DC's are 14 and 16...

Same here. ADHD in teen means mornings aren’t same as everyone here. Friends can’t understand it but DS wouldn’t go to school if I didn’t manage every aspect each day. Forgetful, disorganised, tired, grumpy and emotional. 😐

As they say...'suck it and see'!!! How will you ever know if you don't try it and if it's not successful then you can give it a little tweak here and there until it does...Your Mum, sorry to say, is being unnecessarily negative and a bit of a control freak, my elderly Mum was just the same!!🙄😱

DS12 is autistic and dyspraxic so needs more support than average in the mornings. DS10 is more independently minded and has stepped up this year as on days when I have to drop DS12 off I only get 10 mins back at home before he leaves for school, so he needs to be in a reasonable state of readiness, and respond to an alarm to finish off and leave the house if I'm delayed back. DS10 is dyslexic too so has his own executive function/ working memory issues.

DS12 has needed less micromanaging as he's adjusting to the secondary routine. He still needs prompts as he stalls easily e.g. if he runs out of trousers they're in the bag of clean clothes by the door that I asked you to put away he'll just kind of freeze until divine or parental intervention occurs, but he is doing more for himself than he was 6m, 12m ago.

As the youngest in a long-running line of children, DM was more "protective" over me than the others. While I got myself ready within the house independently from 9, it was things like not allowing me to catch the bus from the bus stop outside next-door that was visible from the house that was stiffling and divisive from my peers. I was only allowed to do that from 15 because an injury stopped her from driving for a while! It was about her needs and routines, rather than paying attention to what I needed and what was desirable for my development.

SENs do require more intervention for longer, but it is always worth reviewing where there is wriggle room or natural opportunities to step back and allow extra steps for more independence.

Your mum is projecting as she feels she won't be needed.
You haven't said if the things she mentioned are true to some extent, like DD being a dreamer.
I know a couple of friends who can be up on time but then faff around and end up being late.
Your DM can't have made stuff up about dd as you all live together and she knows her well.
Surprised at people here who've never questioned anyone's abilities and think your dm is being unduly critical.
You were having a conversation and she voiced her concerns, still up to you to say, you'd gibe ber a chance and keep an eye on the points raised by DM.

DS12 has needed less micromanaging as he's adjusting to the secondary routine. He still needs prompts as he stalls easily e.g. if he runs out of trousers they're in the bag of clean clothes by the door that I asked you to put away he'll just kind of freeze until divine or parental intervention occurs, but he is doing more for himself than he was 6m, 12m ago.

@BogRollBOGOF That is so familiar. If things aren't exactly as planned, DS freezes. He is also on the autistic spectrum and it took me a while to realise if I wanted him to put shoes on, I had to say, 'Shoes!' not 'Go and get ready' as that had no literal meaning for him. Ready for what? Getting ready often meant playing his guitar for 20 mins. I guess he was getting ready to be a rock star

Part of preparing your DD for adult life is making her independent and responsible for her own timekeeping and letting her learn to self manage. Even if it is a complete disaster to start with because she has been so managed (babied) up until now you need to persist with it. Your job as a parent is to allow them to grow up.

Daughter may well day dream but waiting until she is in college or her first job to learn to self manage that is not being a good parent.

It doesn't matter if she is daydreamer it's time for her to start learning to be independent. Babying her until she leaves home is not helping her. At some point she has to start to learn to self manage and be independent and frankly 14 is very late in the day to be just starting. Of course DD daydreams and isn't on it..she has never needed to be. Why organise or think for yourself when someone else is just going to do it for you or you have no autonomy.

My dd has been sorting her morning routine since she was in the last year and and half at primary school. I had to leave before her in the final year. Dd10 also sorts her own schedule including marking her lunch. At 14 she should definitely be doing this herself

I have a high needs teen that needs to be micromanaged. And a 15 year old who is totally capable of getting herself ready in the morning so I let her do it. She naturally wakes up around 6:30 anyway and is never late for school. On the days my other teen doesn't go to school etc. (she has different school holidays), I do a little extra for my 15 year old like make her a packed lunch in the morning or fill her water bottleand she appreciates that. I think it's fine to let her do her own thing as long as she is on time and she still feels loved and not neglected which I know from experience can be an issue for siblings of high needs kids.

Grandma needs to take a seat and realise she’s not her mother so gets no say

At 14, I worked a twelve hour shift every Sunday (8 am to 8pm) at a corner shop. I was on my own the whole day, so had to open the shop and close it. I manned the post office, lottery counter, sold alcohol and tobacco, and kept a discrete eye on the illegal slot machines set up by the shop owner at the back and paid out winnings. 😂

I think your DD is more than able to manage her morning routine. People step up if they have to.

Hence my last sentence saying it was up to the OP to say to her mother that she'd give he DD a chance and keep an eye on the point raised by her DM.

Hi, same with our DS, we need to be pro active in all of his routines. I would suggest a trial week and see how it goes but be on standby if it doesn't work. There do come times when they feel ready for changes so I think it's fair to givecthem a chance to help them take responsibility for these. Good luck xx

Also for so many comments saying their DC have been doing it for years, it really is different for non neurotypical children and will be into their adulthood. X

I understand that the DD is neurotypical.

Sorry I misread it and tried to delete this comment but wasn't able to. Thank you. Xx

You could be either reasonable or unreasonable depending on which sort of child you have!. One of mine is up , ready , waiting to go and one is still in bed.

None of us are NT for the record. DS's disability is just physical as well as ND related, so he needs much more input, i'm his carer as well as his parent.

I don't see that as drip feeding as i don't see it makes much difference, our house is very ND friendly, and everything is set up to support each of our personal foibles in regards to which flavour of ND we have.. i have AuDHD, DD has inattentive ADHD (Hence the daydreamer comment from the Mothership) but we never let that be an excuse in this house, we work with it and around it, make adjustments and make space for it.

Regardless of her having ADHD, she still needs to learn to set her own routine, and with support find her own way to navigate her ADHD to find ways that work for her. At the moment i'm supporting her with prompts as i've learned to clock watch and have alarms set to keep myself on track. I've shown her what works for me, now its up to her to trial/error test her own methods.

My wobble/aibu was more that Moms comment made me wonder if i was being too ambitious, but as you have all pointed out, if DD wants to, she ought to be allowed to try.

ND children are all different and present in different ways. See above comment. Both ND.
Better learning now at 14 before GCSEs kick in in earnest

I was responsible for getting myself up and out the door from the age of 9. My mother had a new baby and struggled with PND and was often in bed, I set my own alarm, got myself and my younger sister up, we got ourselves ready, had breakfast and we caught a mini bus to school. Set me up well for adulthood!

You have to at least give DD the chance so YANBU.

Yes. DD has been doing this since she started secondary school. The night before I check with her that she has everything ready then she gets herself up, dressed and out the door. She’s far more frightened of being late to school than she is about me nagging her and she likes to arrive early to hang out with her friends. Of course if she was consistently late I would step in but at least give her a chance.

My DC have had to have their own routine since Yr 5/6 primary school because they had to get themselves ready and out the door because everyone else had left for work by that time

From being 14 my grandaughter got herself up and out for school as her mum started work at 7am so wasnt there to supervise. She is now coming up to 16 and very self sufficient. If ever she was late for school she knew it was her own fault. Back in the day I got myself up and out for school from the age of 11 as my mum was out at work. (This was in the 50s) my brother was 9 and I was responsible for him too.

Mine secondary school children sort themselves out. I might give them at shout at 7.30 to make sure they are up, but even then not always.

My 8 year old has been known to get up, get breakfast, do his teeth get his uniform on and let the dog out all before my alarm has gone off! Other days it's like swinging a brick! 14 is plenty old enough to get herself sorted.