Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let 14yo DD set her own morning routine?

175 replies

PhantomUnicorn · 30/06/2023 10:48

Seems like a daft question, but i'm entering new territory here.

Older DS is disabled, so i have to micromanage his mornings to get him ready on time, so our mornings are pretty regimented, this is normal for us and i've done it his entire school 'career' so DD has never known any different.

DS is in yr 11 so just finished school for good, his specialist college placement from september is on a different schedule so i won't need to be getting him up/ready same time as DD who attends mainstream, and my 70yo Mom (who lives with us and does me a huge favour by helping with him in the mornings) will be supervising his morning while i'm on school run with DD.

This morning was first morning that i didn't have to get him up, and just had DD.

Out of habit, we followed the same routine as normal, up at 7 for breakfast, bathroom & dressing at 7.30, out by 8.25. It dawned on me we had LOADS of spare time, we were both ready by 8am...

On the drive to school i chatted with DD, and she asked if she could try getting up at 7.30 on monday, and then setting her own routine instead, i said that as long as she is ready to leave by 8.25, she can do what she likes. She is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast without me hovering once i've got her up.

I came home and told Mom our decision and she seemed really unimpressed, told me that DD will just take advantage and i'll end up more stressed by having to rush her because she daydreams, and i'm just 'making a rod for (my) own back' by allowing her that freedom.

TBH i told her she was being ridiculous, at 14 DD can sort herself with minimum input from me just reminding her of the time while i'm getting myself ready imho and we ended up having a bit of a disagreement about it.

I think at 14 she deserves the chance to try, she can't have me hovering like she is as disabled like her brother all the time, and i think this is a good place to test it/give her chance to prove she can do it.

I'm sure most of you already let your kids do that within reason.. but as i said, whole new territory for me, which feels weird when my DC's are 14 and 16...

OP posts:
Christy135 · 02/07/2023 14:35

A 14 year old needs to learn time management. Yes, let her do it. Let her be late and have consequences. She’s not a toddler that needs taking everywhere.

Doone21 · 02/07/2023 14:59

No he's younger but if she wants a place to start and is worried she could do that

AnAussieMum · 02/07/2023 15:11

I think I would give her the chance if she's a day dreamer I'd tell her you could trial it for a week see how she goes if it doesn't work you will have to go to the old routine.

My daughters just turned 12 and started high school.

Since 10 she will get herself up showered, dressed, breakfast, bag packed everything ready for the day. No reminding for anything, she knows what needs to be done and just does it.

Then she hurries us along as she wants to be early to socialise before class starts.

However her younger sister by only 15 months I still have to wake up some days and motivate her to get ready. I dread next year and hope she can be more organised.

The 7 year old, no chance! She has some other issues and I have to ask her to do every since step of the morning routine. Usually several times.

Every kid is different but I would encourage her independence.

mrsplum2015 · 02/07/2023 15:11

My dc all set their own routines
My 10 yo dd does need checking in that she has woken up as she doesn't reliably set alarm

But I understand your hesitancy...

RB68 · 02/07/2023 16:01

I think her needs and development have been a little overshadowed by her brothers and maybe Granny is judging her a little harshly as a result. Let her give it a go and give her a 10 or 5 min heads up for the travel to start with and see how it goes. I was another pretty much sorting myself out at 11 when I had to leave the house at 7.25 to walk a mile into town and to catch the bus 14 miles to school. I was the eldest of 4 at the time and later 5 and 6 arrived as well. Mum didn't have time to sort me other than a quick kiss and see you tonight as she raced to get the rest of them ready for a mile plus walk to school as well.

Original poster
PhantomUnicorn · 02/07/2023 16:02

its one of those weird things where i've had to learn to parent as a Special Needs mom, so that is my 'normal' base line for parenting.

Parenting DD has been a learning curve because i've had to remind myself, periodically, that she requires a different level of input, and finding the places i need to step back has been a ride.

I'm aware this is a place i need to do that, but equally, keep an eye, because when all you have known is structure, sudden freedom can create pitfalls. I want to encourage her to create her OWN structure, not leave her floundering with no guidelines/boundaries. I don't want to set her up to fail.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2023 16:16

PhantomUnicorn · 02/07/2023 16:02

its one of those weird things where i've had to learn to parent as a Special Needs mom, so that is my 'normal' base line for parenting.

Parenting DD has been a learning curve because i've had to remind myself, periodically, that she requires a different level of input, and finding the places i need to step back has been a ride.

I'm aware this is a place i need to do that, but equally, keep an eye, because when all you have known is structure, sudden freedom can create pitfalls. I want to encourage her to create her OWN structure, not leave her floundering with no guidelines/boundaries. I don't want to set her up to fail.

You won't be doing that.

If you're concerned perhaps suggest to her that she start her new routine by writing her own 'timetable' so she has an idea of how long it takes to do her AM tasks. Then she can set her own times. Tell her you're more than willing to 'advise' but it will be up to her to set the schedule. Be sure she knows the 'out the door' time and let her take it from there.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2023 16:20

PS. Don't ask to see her timetable. If she volunteers or asks you to review, fine.

Give it a week or two (to yourself), allow for a few rushed morning, and if it's not working by then, it's time to review things with her.

But I'll bet she does just fine.

HollyBookBlue · 02/07/2023 18:23

It feels like you're getting it in the neck here! You sound very sensible OP. Your situation has changed and now your DD can have more responsibility without it impacting on your DS's needs.

So yes, perfectly reasonable for a 14 year old to manage her morning routine without any input from you. Don't know what planet your mum is on, maybe she's set in her ways or anxious about change, or grumpy about something else entirely.

But as you say you don't want your daughter to be set up to fail, going from 0 to 100, so have a chat with her about how much input/reminders from you she would appreciate right now to get everything done and out the door on time. And going forward keep on reducing your input until she's waking up, washing, dressing, school bag sorted, breakfasted, packed lunch made, waiting at the door ready to go at the right time without a single word from you. Some days she might even make you a coffee and toast! 🤔🤣

HollyBookBlue · 02/07/2023 18:29

No idea about your situation, but could your DD get a referral for young careers with her having a disabled brother? They might also be able to help/support with increasing her independence/responsibility in positive ways

GreatGardenstuff · 02/07/2023 22:45

My 11yo has been setting his own morning routine for a couple of years! I give him a shout if he’s not up by 7:30 (very rare), and typically give him a couple of time checks, and ask him if he’s brushed his teeth. He likes to get to school early, and does everything he needs to achieve that independently. I’m sure your daughter will relish the opportunity to be more independent and learn skills to manage her time, with minimal prompting.

Peppermintpatty24 · 03/07/2023 18:00

I'm that 1% that voted YABU purely because she should have been getting herself ready for the longest time. I started getting myself ready from aged 7, including my own breakfast and packed lunch. She is way old enough to be sorting herself.

callingeveryone · 03/07/2023 18:05

At 14 she needs to learn the skills to set her own routines. If she gets up too late she will rush and can adjust it. It isn't long until she could be off to university.

starfishmummy · 03/07/2023 18:22

She has to learn to set her own routine sometime. So now seems as good a time as any.

I'd do it as a trial and have discussions about things like timings for the bathroom if it's shared and also when she needs to be ready by.

Thirtyandflailing · 03/07/2023 18:40

She’s definitely capable. My DD is 13 and gets herself up and ready and takes herself to school for 8.40, I leave at 7.45 for work so I don’t supervise at all. And you’re in the house anyway so if you think she’s running behind you can always tell her to hurry etc, it’s very reasonable.

mambojambodothetango · 03/07/2023 18:45

I understand your question OP, in relation to you having had a more involved situation with your DS. But I'm really surprised at the reactions from people sharing their own experience. Many DC are capable of getting themselves sorted in the morning at a much younger age. My DS is 7 and gets himself dressed, breakfasted, teeth brushed, packs his bag and knows when it's time to go to school. I know all DC are different and his older brother is more of a dreamer, but even he has been sorting himself out in this way since he was 9 or 10.

I do think in general as a society we're far too quick to do things for DC and they should be learning independence much earlier. I don't mean going down the mine or cleaning the house, but taking responsibility for their own things and routines. They're most of the way to adulthood by 14 - by 16 she could be feasibly living somewhere else. Yes it might mean spilled milk or a missed bus once in a while but that's how they learn.

ilovebagpuss · 03/07/2023 18:53

Sometimes you get so stuck in a routine when you raise your head so to speak years have passed!
I remember gently saying to my friend her DS could probably manage to open and eat his banana when he was about 10 and she was still peeling it and breaking it up into bits!
We had a good giggle and I've done it with other things and have had it pointed out.
Obviously your routines have been more involved to help your DS so it's understandable. Your DD sounds lovely to have raised it so nicely
I sometimes have to nudge my DD 13 but she knows when we leave and is mostly ready and packed for school.

pollymere · 03/07/2023 18:59

You can have a trial? If she doesn't manage it pretty consistently then she'll lose the privilege. I've managed this with my ASD child too now.

OhcantthInkofaname · 03/07/2023 19:01

Congratulations for giving your daughter autonomy to make her own schedule. Secondly, give yourself a gold star for being the type of parent that your daughter can talk to.

DeadbeatYoda · 03/07/2023 19:14

My situation is incredibly similar. My yr 11 disabled ds is out of school now until sixth form starts in September. We have always had a really regimented morning to make sure we are out on time.
My 14 yr old dd ( yr 9) sorts herself out in the morning, although I still make her packed lunch and breakfast or she'd go without. I should probably stop that 😂.
Enjoy the break, OP, give your daughter the chance to prove herself. Never mind what your DM has to say, she's your dd.

Schlomp · 03/07/2023 19:31

Sounds perfect to me. You've been getting harsh feedback here. No harm in a 10 min warning for now until shes into more of a routine, then just a shout as youre going out to the car once she's more used to it all

You sound like a great mum

endoflevelbaddy · 03/07/2023 19:32

I think your mum being daft, did she micromanage your mornings at 14?

My 10yo dolly daydream manages. DH is often up and pottering / working but she sets her own alarm to get up and another to remind her to get out the door as she walks herself to school. Older DD has been doing the same since starting secondary.

My work schedule can be unpredictable and my sleep can be worse so both DDs have got used to taking responsibility for getting out of the door. I think it's good for them.

Jack80 · 03/07/2023 19:45

We have an older teen and our youngest daughter has just left school. We still have to wake her up even though she had an alarm going from 6.30, she starts college in September and has to be on the bus no later than 8 so up and then ready by 7.

I suppose it’s dependent on the individual. I’m hoping our youngest will get into a routine to get up on her own.

Bellie710 · 03/07/2023 20:36

My kids all get picked up by school bus at 8.30, from the age of 9/10 they have got themselves ready and out to the bus. Most of the time they need about 20 minutes but if they sleep in can be ready in about 3 minutes if the bus is coming!

Original poster
PhantomUnicorn · 03/07/2023 21:24

DeadbeatYoda · 03/07/2023 19:14

My situation is incredibly similar. My yr 11 disabled ds is out of school now until sixth form starts in September. We have always had a really regimented morning to make sure we are out on time.
My 14 yr old dd ( yr 9) sorts herself out in the morning, although I still make her packed lunch and breakfast or she'd go without. I should probably stop that 😂.
Enjoy the break, OP, give your daughter the chance to prove herself. Never mind what your DM has to say, she's your dd.

My DD will do her own cereal, i'm usually still trying to get DS out of bed while she does breakfast and puts it on the table for them both (he is a typical teen in that sense, lol) I do still do her lunch though... i might try and hand her that job if the morning routine change works!!

Went ok this morning, only prompted her twice in a 'keep an eye on the time' kind of way.

It was nice getting to use the bathroom myself this morning though, usually i have to just chuck on some tatty clothes, do school run, then come home and get washed/dressed properly.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread