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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get out of bed just to say bye.

700 replies

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:11

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

OP posts:
Libra24 · 03/07/2023 14:26

Reading all the replies it's clear that this isn't going the way you expected.

Am I being unreasonable?
Yes a bit unfortunately...
YOU'RE ALL WRONG! 🤣

NHS employees over 1.27 million people, so I imagine quite a few do work for the NHS which kind of voids some of your martyr replies.

They say don't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to 😉

Lacucuracha · 03/07/2023 14:28

Beexxxx · 03/07/2023 14:20

*their DD. He is her parent too. He is not doing op a favour he is parenting his child. Just because we all grew up with mum doing all the parenting let’s not act like dad gets a gold star now it’s split more evenly.

op is not refusing to help she’s refusing to break her sleep for a 5 minute goodbye that the kids probably not even bothered about. Would it be nice? Sure. Is it a necessity? Nope.

Do you seriously think she can get up, see him off and be asleep in 5 minutes?

I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep once woken.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2023 14:29

Humanswarm · 03/07/2023 14:23

@LuckySantangelo35 yup. Clearly.

Or perhaps I just see through it all and actually, believe that guys are getting a hard deal, can't do right from doing wrong, and an awful lot of women on here are so quick to demonise men, that they don't stand a chance.

The hypocrisy on this site astounds me. As long as it fits the narrative you all create ey..

@Humanswarm

oh the poor menz! My heart bleeds!
not

Lacucuracha · 03/07/2023 14:30

Libra24 · 03/07/2023 14:26

Reading all the replies it's clear that this isn't going the way you expected.

Am I being unreasonable?
Yes a bit unfortunately...
YOU'RE ALL WRONG! 🤣

NHS employees over 1.27 million people, so I imagine quite a few do work for the NHS which kind of voids some of your martyr replies.

They say don't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to 😉

Er, if you look at the poll, you'll see most people agree with OP. That's 1600 people who think is OP is not BU to not wake up.

margegunderson · 03/07/2023 14:39

Someone needs to be getting up with this kid. Should probably be the dad but it strikes me this isn't a particularly late night that the OP is having. It's a basic really, that he feels someone is interested in him. Poor child.

Bananarepublic · 03/07/2023 14:57

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 12:13

@Lizziethepink666 · Today 11:58

As a kid who, at the same age, had to get myself ready alone and wasn't seen off to school, I feel quite strongly about this. I had a difficult time at that age, as many kids do when starting secondary school, and although my mother was there to talk to in the afternoons, I woke up every morning with horrible anxiety in the pit of my stomach and nobody there with me to help me deal with my fear of all the social anxieties secondary school can bring. Ax a result, I have had a lifelong difficulty with waking up with a feeling of being horribly alone and uncared about.

It can be debilitating. I know my example might be extreme but 11 is pretty young still - I mean, here in the UK you can't allow a primary school student to walk themselves to school at age 10 so it seems crazy to me that a child can go from being physically delivered to school every day and then a short six weeks later not only have to get themselves there but get themselves ready alone too?

Also the move to secondary school can bring up a lot of issues and feelings and the mornings are often when these feelings can arise so I think kids that she need somebody physically and mentally present in the mornings to see them off.

I know he's your stepson and not your biological son, so I can understand why you might feel this is your hill to die on, and insist it's his responsibility, but SOMEONE needs to be doing it and, if it were me, I wouldn't leave an 11 year old to get ready alone simply because his dad wasn't pulling his weight with it. It probably is more his responsibility but you married a man with a child so it's at least partly your choice too, so if there are days your husband physically cannot do it and you physically can, then I think you should.

I get that you're home late but it's not exactly the middle of the night and tbh you sound like you're getting more sleep than I am and I don't consider myself hard done by in terms of sleep.

It sounds less like this is an issue of sleep deprivation than it is an issue of you feeling this isn't your responsibility, and maybe it isn't, but it had to be someone's and I'd rather take on a responsibility that wasn't mine than leave an 11 year old to feel alone and uncared for, and I promise you that when you choose not to get up with them even though you could, that's exactly how it feels to a child.

Great post! And an excellent example of how people can be affected FOR LIFE when the people who are are supposed to nurture, and love them and care for them as a child can't be bothered. 'Better things to do, 'too busy,' too tired' blah blah blah. I find it utterly depressing that anyone think the way the OP is behaving is OK!

As I said great post ... I don't see how ANYONE could argue with THAT!

Well I can. First because he could get up earlier if he wanted to have quality time with his father.

Secondly because it's not every day. His SM is there two days a week and his mum is there every day she has him, so five out of five days.

And thirdly because the PP is massively projecting. Not all children are the same. Some would like the independence. Also the quality of attention you get when people are around makes a massive difference. I can't believe someone who had otherwise attentive parents would have been affected so badly.

IncomingTraffic · 03/07/2023 15:07

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2023 14:29

@Humanswarm

oh the poor menz! My heart bleeds!
not

Show quote history

Indeed. They must be protected from us nasty feminist types.

Who will stand up for men’s rights? Those poor, downtrodden men.

Don’t we realise this incredible man is going to work? what’s more, he’d going above and beyond by dropping a child at nursery.

How dare his wife not behave like a household appliance. She should be eternally grateful that her husband provides.

tidalway · 03/07/2023 15:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

IncomingTraffic · 03/07/2023 15:10

Although, at least, it’s nice when posters just straight out tell you that they’re basically MRAs.

Dreadful MN. All these uppity women who don’t know their place being mean to men.

Humanswarm · 03/07/2023 15:13

I gather @incomingtraffic your shit relationships have forced you into this shambles of a thought process.

I'm leaving this here, and won't respond again, whilst I go spend time with my DP, who, works the same as I, contributes the same as I and if requested to do something he doesn't really want to, does, because that's love, respect and equality.
And then, I'll pick up my kids. Who we share care over. Which isn't aways equal, but fuck me, that's life.

I feel for you and your bitterness..I hope you don't have a son.

tidalway · 03/07/2023 15:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bananarepublic · 03/07/2023 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2023 15:20

*What time do you think most people with young children actually go to bed? 🤣
If you are really not able to cope with 7 hours sleep most nights I think you need a blood test.

No parent I know has the luxury of being in bed an hour after they get home from work and they have to manage the rest of my life in the hours they have left, they have to accommodate their childrens normal waking hours, yes even their step children*

I have young children and go to bed at about 11:30 most nights. I get up between 6 (on a bad day) and 8 with the kids, and am generally tired. A lie in about once a week keeps me ticking over, but without it I'd feel burnt out. I don't think that's unusual.

Humanswarm · 03/07/2023 15:34

@bananarepublic I anticipate you were the school bully. Good for you

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 15:38

Probably still is @Humanswarm ^

tidalway · 03/07/2023 15:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

fancydressjess · 03/07/2023 16:34

Read all your posts OP (the see all is do handy) and yeah, basically, your DH just doesn't respect your need for a lie in.... Shift work is exhausting and you need to have a chat about it and be clear on your boundary that you're not doing it and that if he expects you to then you lie in at the weekend instead do at least you get a lie in at some point...
And if he won't respect it and wakes you up then do the same to him at the weekend...
Ugh..

rookiemere · 03/07/2023 16:47

We need to stop calling it a lie in. OP says she gets to sleep about 1am < she is entitled to eat and wind down after her 11 hour shift > therefore sleeping until 8 or past that is not a lie in, it's her getting her basic body needs.

Silenciospritz · 03/07/2023 17:23

This reply has been deleted

We doubt that this is genuine - we're taking it down now.

IncomingTraffic · 03/07/2023 17:29

This reply has been deleted

We doubt that this is genuine - we're taking it down now.

That’s whataboutery.

And implies that the OP should view children as the woman’s job.

my DS has a stepmother. I cannot imagine feeling entitled to decide that she must spend her time looking after DS instead of his father.

And if we’re whatabouting, I’d be annoyed at my ex for failing to say hello to DS in the morning. Not anyone else for failing to compensate for my ex’s inadequacies.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 03/07/2023 17:38

"Think how you would feel if you were to separate and your dh new partner did this to your dd"

In a 14 day period the early mornings are done by the following:

7 days: the mum (assuming she does)
4 days: the OP
0 days: the dad

I think the OP would be quite pleased the new partner was dedicating 4 mornings to her child when he ex couldn't be bothered to do any

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 17:38

IncomingTraffic · 03/07/2023 17:29

That’s whataboutery.

And implies that the OP should view children as the woman’s job.

my DS has a stepmother. I cannot imagine feeling entitled to decide that she must spend her time looking after DS instead of his father.

And if we’re whatabouting, I’d be annoyed at my ex for failing to say hello to DS in the morning. Not anyone else for failing to compensate for my ex’s inadequacies.

Show quote history

That’s whataboutery.

No it's not.

IncomingTraffic · 03/07/2023 17:52

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 17:38

That’s whataboutery.

No it's not.

Show quote history

Yes. It is. It’s a completely different hypothetical situation. What about if it were your child and X, Y and Z had happened. How would you feel about another hypothetical women’s actions?

JennyJenny8675309 · 03/07/2023 18:32

I agree she doesn’t have to get up to see him off-at 11 he should be fine. But there is this weird narrative on Mumsnet about stepchildren-he is not your child so you have no interaction with them. He lives with them, he is her daughter’s sibling fgs. They are a family-would you really treat stepchildren who live with you any different to your own?

I wonder about this too. I am not a step parent but the attitude toward step-children, the “othering” is shameful—the attitude of “it’s your child, not my problem.”

bringincrazyback · 03/07/2023 19:07

IncomingTraffic · 03/07/2023 09:00

People are calling it a lie in so that it can fit their lazy, nasty stepmother narrative.

The fact that it’s just a different sleep schedule due to shift work is inconvenient.

there’s also the weird narrative that the man whose heroic efforts to put some clothes on a toddler and take her to nursery 3 days a week (she’ll get breakfast at nursery so it’s just dressing her and putting her in the car) somehow mean he couldn’t possibly say good morning to his own son because he’s going to Work in his Big Important Job.

If his son feels unloved and unwelcome, maybe the father should consider making changes to his own lifestyle. Maybe he could not have an actual lie in every weekend day and spend time with his son. Maybe he could stick his head round the door and say ‘bye son’ at 7.30am.

Remember that super sad who is so worried about the son he doesn’t acknowledge in the morning is quite happy to leave him to wake in an empty house and sort himself out of the OP is at work on those mornings. But he’s rather wake a shift worker up to face a go than to just interact with his son at 7am.

but he’s a man. So the bar is on the fucking floor.

Thank goodness there are a few posters with some rationality on this thread.

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