To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

I'd much rather my child have to make some compromises in childhood so the adults in their life do not have to bend themselves out of shape

Must be seriously something wrong with someone who gets bent out of shape after 7-8 hours sleep.

Have you actually read OPs posts?
She has to leave for work at 10.30am, she's hardly lazing around all day.

And looking at your device to post on Mumsnet while your son perhaps, also happily does screen stuff, watching tv, looking at his phone, while eating breakfast. But, yes, it could be lovely 'quality time' if you haven't been working a series of late shifts in the NHS, I suppose 🤷‍♀️

Possibly a fair point but you can teach children to have empathy, respect for, and pride in their parents' and step parents' working lives and an ability to understand adults' own needs.

Look at the current lack of respect for teachers in many schools, some children not standing up for elderly, infirm passengers on public transport. Some thing has shifted in society somehow

Hah! Try working a solid 11/12 hour shift in the NHS. Very often mininmal, or no sensible break, very physicallly and mentally demanding, followed by approx an hour commute home.

I'm guessing when you work as a freelancer from home til 11pm you have managed to grab a quick cuppa at least along the way, and presumably not been on your feet most of the time?

@aSofaNearYou
EXACTLY! Well said again

As a kid who, at the same age, had to get myself ready alone and wasn't seen off to school, I feel quite strongly about this. I had a difficult time at that age, as many kids do when starting secondary school, and although my mother was there to talk to in the afternoons, I woke up every morning with horrible anxiety in the pit of my stomach and nobody there with me to help me deal with my fear of all the social anxieties secondary school can bring. Ax a result, I have had a lifelong difficulty with waking up with a feeling of being horribly alone and uncared about. It can be debilitating. I know my example might be extreme but 11 is pretty young still - I mean, here in the UK you can't allow a primary school student to walk themselves to school at age 10 so it seems crazy to me that a child can go from being physically delivered to school every day and then a short six weeks later not only have to get themselves there but get themselves ready alone too? Also the move to secondary school can bring up a lot of issues and feelings and the mornings are often when these feelings can arise so I think kids that she need somebody physically and mentally present in the mornings to see them off. I know he's your stepson and not your biological son, so I can understand why you might feel this is your hill to die on, and insist it's his responsibility, but SOMEONE needs to be doing it and, if it were me, I wouldn't leave an 11 year old to get ready alone simply because his dad wasn't pulling his weight with it. It probably is more his responsibility but you married a man with a child so it's at least partly your choice too, so if there are days your husband physically cannot do it and you physically can, then I think you should. I get that you're home late but it's not exactly the middle of the night and tbh you sound like you're getting more sleep than I am and I don't consider myself hard done by in terms of sleep. It sounds less like this is an issue of sleep deprivation than it is an issue of you feeling this isn't your responsibility, and maybe it isn't, but it had to be someone's and I'd rather take on a responsibility that wasn't mine than leave an 11 year old to feel alone and uncared for, and I promise you that when you choose not to get up with them even though you could, that's exactly how it feels to a child.

Just because you don't have to doesn't mean you shouldn't. He's 11, get out of bed make a fuss have breakfast with him and wave him off. Show him you care. You are not a step mum, you are not stepping into that roll. You are treating him as just your husbands son that's all.

Must be seriously something wrong with someone who gets bent out of shape after 7-8 hours sleep.

Such exemplary empathy from you!

I don't think it's particularly unusual for somebody that works a physically and mentally demanding job, arriving home with no evening time to decompress, and who never has an opportunity to sleep longer than that to recharge, to feel burnt out.

But if we're to actually address the comment I made, using your logic, there must be something seriously wrong with DSS if he can't get up half an earlier to see his dad, then!

That’s a very generalised statement about how children’s attitudes ( or should I say parenting attitudes) have changed .

what about the empathy towards the child getting up alone and going off to school without so much as speaking to anyone? Sorry it doesn’t sit comfortably with me. I’m all for encouraging independence and this could still be done - I can’t see how waking up 5 mins before they walk out the door to check all is ok/ got everything they need and to wish them a nice day is unreasonable expectations. To bring up well rounded kind individual children we also need to demonstrate it in the first place.

@Lizziethepink666 · Today 11:58

As a kid who, at the same age, had to get myself ready alone and wasn't seen off to school, I feel quite strongly about this. I had a difficult time at that age, as many kids do when starting secondary school, and although my mother was there to talk to in the afternoons, I woke up every morning with horrible anxiety in the pit of my stomach and nobody there with me to help me deal with my fear of all the social anxieties secondary school can bring. Ax a result, I have had a lifelong difficulty with waking up with a feeling of being horribly alone and uncared about.

It can be debilitating. I know my example might be extreme but 11 is pretty young still - I mean, here in the UK you can't allow a primary school student to walk themselves to school at age 10 so it seems crazy to me that a child can go from being physically delivered to school every day and then a short six weeks later not only have to get themselves there but get themselves ready alone too?

Also the move to secondary school can bring up a lot of issues and feelings and the mornings are often when these feelings can arise so I think kids that she need somebody physically and mentally present in the mornings to see them off.

I know he's your stepson and not your biological son, so I can understand why you might feel this is your hill to die on, and insist it's his responsibility, but SOMEONE needs to be doing it and, if it were me, I wouldn't leave an 11 year old to get ready alone simply because his dad wasn't pulling his weight with it. It probably is more his responsibility but you married a man with a child so it's at least partly your choice too, so if there are days your husband physically cannot do it and you physically can, then I think you should.

I get that you're home late but it's not exactly the middle of the night and tbh you sound like you're getting more sleep than I am and I don't consider myself hard done by in terms of sleep.

It sounds less like this is an issue of sleep deprivation than it is an issue of you feeling this isn't your responsibility, and maybe it isn't, but it had to be someone's and I'd rather take on a responsibility that wasn't mine than leave an 11 year old to feel alone and uncared for, and I promise you that when you choose not to get up with them even though you could, that's exactly how it feels to a child.

Great post! And an excellent example of how people can be affected FOR LIFE when the people who are are supposed to nurture, and love them and care for them as a child can't be bothered. 'Better things to do, 'too busy,' too tired' blah blah blah. I find it utterly depressing that anyone think the way the OP is behaving is OK!

As I said great post ... I don't see how ANYONE could argue with THAT!

It sounds less like this is an issue of sleep deprivation than it is an issue of you feeling this isn't your responsibility, and maybe it isn't, but it had to be someone's and I'd rather take on a responsibility that wasn't mine than leave an 11 year old to feel alone and uncared for, and I promise you that when you choose not to get up with them even though you could, that's exactly how it feels to a child.

I’m sorry you had a difficult childhood. Nonetheless, you are holding a woman responsible for a man letting his child down. And doing so using emotionally manipulative language.

Women get this stuff all the time. Somehow men get off the hook and the women around them are made responsible for looking after their children’s emotional well-being, and even charged with compensating the children for their father’s inadequacies.

As I said great post ... I don't see how ANYONE could argue with THAT!

Nobody's arguing that she felt like that. But it isn't standard, far more people have said they did this and were fine.

@PurpleButterflyWings

yup! ⬆️

i can argue against that too.

@incomingtraffic I am really, really struggling with your logic. How is his Dad letting him down? His Dad is going to work to provide for the family, he doesn't need to change his hours or make any other adjustments because his wife, the woman who took on the role of step Mum, is in the house. There. Available for the child. So what's he doing wrong?
I make the assumption he works 5 days a week, full time. Forgive me of that's not the case, but OP works 3 days, and has 2 days at home with their DD and then she moans about a lie in..welcome to parenting sweetheart.

I am sorry, but I didn't realise we weren't meant to give a fuck about our kids once they hit 11. Or if they are not biological. I assume those who have adopted kids take on the same mind set ey? Not my issue.

Grow up and stop with the feminist claptrap

OP works 3 x 11 hr shifts per week, hardly part time.

I did say my example might be extreme, and I'm very clearly agreeing that it isn't her responsibility alone and is more his than hers, and it sounds like the husband isn't actually able to do it on these days because he's out at work by that time. My point wasn't to say SHE should be taking on the responsibility alone. My point was to say that SOMEONE should in answer to the question asked. I am also a stepmum of four kids and agree wholeheartedly that stepmums shouldn't be left to carry the can alone for men who don't want to take responsibility for their kids. I agree wholeheartedly that if he's able but unwilling, then this might be the hill she wants to die on and I get that. My point was to make it clear that 11 is really too young to be left to their own devices to get ready for school and that this can have a huge psychological effect on a child, so if the question is, as it's stated, whether it is unreasonable not to want to get up 'just' to see a child of 11 off to school when their husband is physically unable to because they're not there, simply because of the OPs work schedule then my answer is that yes, it is unreasonable, as the work schedule isn't so severe that it's worth messing up a kid by making them feel their parental figure doesn't care enough to get up after 8 hours of sleep to see them off to school. If the question was 'would it be unreasonable to expect my husband should do it when he's physically able to but unwilling to take the responsibility' then I'd have answered differently.

I've not really been keeping up with this thread as it's getting a bit intense.

I just keep see the title in Active and (knowing that the OP could get up) think yes..just get up, give the kid a kiss and see him on his way for the day.

It's not ideal, but I bet most of us have had time schedules which stink at times but they don't last.

Can't stand people who don't respect the need for everyone to get 8 hours sleep. You dont need 8 hours? Thats fine but many people do and will get ill without it.
YANBU OP. I work night shifts and there are days I dont see my kids at all because im asleep when they are awake. This is a regular part of life and u can't be giving up hours of your sleep to it. Not a child of 11 tbh. If its so important to his father he should be the one who sacrifices for it... totally wrong he expects you to when he is probably the one who set the situation up like this. Its not as tho its every single day so you are seeing the kid some mornings... I think at 11 he can understand that on nights you've been working you will be asleep in the morning. My kids understand that and they are much younger. Its not ideal but thats life.. some people work late or nights. Dont put your health at risk by regularly getting less sleep than you need. Working late and nights already puts a tonne of stress on your body and lessens your life expectancy. Some people just do not get it. It might only seem an hour but that adds up over time to exhaustion

Agree @Brightandshining and as OP
says it's around 1am by the time she gets to sleep, then she would only be getting 7 hrs if woken up at 8, or in fact 6.5 hrs if DH wakes her when he leaves at 7.30.

@Humanswarm

”feminist claptrap”

i despair! patriarchy and internalised misogyny is alive and well in you isn’t it

*their DD. He is her parent too. He is not doing op a favour he is parenting his child. Just because we all grew up with mum doing all the parenting let’s not act like dad gets a gold star now it’s split more evenly.

op is not refusing to help she’s refusing to break her sleep for a 5 minute goodbye that the kids probably not even bothered about. Would it be nice? Sure. Is it a necessity? Nope.

What time do you think most people with young children actually go to bed? 🤣
If you are really not able to cope with 7 hours sleep most nights I think you need a blood test.

No parent I know has the luxury of being in bed an hour after they get home from work and they have to manage the rest of my life in the hours they have left, they have to accommodate their childrens normal waking hours, yes even their step children.

You've not said when you actually do get up but either way, you're either indulging yourself with a huge lie in or your missing him by a nominal amount of time and being peevish.

Think how you would feel if you were to separate and your dh new partner did this to your dd.
These are the ties that bind, people who care about you to make small sacrifices regularly.

When he's 14 he will roll out of bed and out the door. He won't care if you are there. You don't get forever to make children feel important.

@LuckySantangelo35 yup. Clearly.

Or perhaps I just see through it all and actually, believe that guys are getting a hard deal, can't do right from doing wrong, and an awful lot of women on here are so quick to demonise men, that they don't stand a chance.

The hypocrisy on this site astounds me. As long as it fits the narrative you all create ey..

I think it’s ok because it’s a few days out of a month that she works these shifts. Some of you keep ignoring this as well as her getting up four days a week for her daughter and SS when he is there and that his own father is gone before him and has lie-ins on the weekends so he’s not really getting up with him either.

There’s more ire at OP wanting to sleep after a 10-11 hour shift three days a month than the father who leaves him alone 5 days a week. Again, why is more expected from OP than his father?

Several pp have also pointed out that we were younger than the 11 yo with our own parents leaving before us or not waking our own parents knowing they have had a long shift and we liked having that independence and did the same as the son, meeting up with friends and walking to school with them.

Just because some of you don’t like the idea or didn’t like it growing up, doesn’t mean no child did.