Page 23 | To not get out of bed just to say bye.

LadyDane · 2023-06-30T06:11:30+00:00

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight. My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am. He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year. Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'. There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late. AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

Twillow · 03/07/2023 09:32

Personally, if you sleep midnight till 8, that's a decent seven hours. Aren't you getting up around then anyway? I think I would get up in my dressing gown, have a coffee and check all is well, then get on with my day as normal.

shinepud · 03/07/2023 09:33

IncomingTraffic · 03/07/2023 09:00

People are calling it a lie in so that it can fit their lazy, nasty stepmother narrative.

The fact that it’s just a different sleep schedule due to shift work is inconvenient.

there’s also the weird narrative that the man whose heroic efforts to put some clothes on a toddler and take her to nursery 3 days a week (she’ll get breakfast at nursery so it’s just dressing her and putting her in the car) somehow mean he couldn’t possibly say good morning to his own son because he’s going to Work in his Big Important Job.

If his son feels unloved and unwelcome, maybe the father should consider making changes to his own lifestyle. Maybe he could not have an actual lie in every weekend day and spend time with his son. Maybe he could stick his head round the door and say ‘bye son’ at 7.30am.

Remember that super sad who is so worried about the son he doesn’t acknowledge in the morning is quite happy to leave him to wake in an empty house and sort himself out of the OP is at work on those mornings. But he’s rather wake a shift worker up to face a go than to just interact with his son at 7am.

but he’s a man. So the bar is on the fucking floor.

Having reread OP's post, I think there's some dripfeeding tbf - first few posts make it sound like husband does his best to prepare son every night, only thing is his/DD and son's schedule totally clash (eg son would have to wake up a significant amount of time earlier). And second post is quite "not my child, not my problem".

And then suddenly due to backlash, it becomes, the schedule works out perfectly and he just cbf with his own son. And in fact barely does any parenting. At all.

It's hard to ascertain what is the truth, but genuinely, if OP's husband is just a lazy arse, then fair play to OP. Then it's a husband/man issue, not a stepchild issue (and nothing wrong with it being a stepchild issue). But again, it's hard to tell because the earlier and later posts are quite contradictory.

Playyourpart · 03/07/2023 09:33

How would you treat your own child? Presumably you’d wake up and make sure they’re set for the day and give them a hug goodbye 🤷🏼‍♀️

You're in bed at midnight. It’s not that late.

mumofmanybusykids · 03/07/2023 09:34

If they were your child, I bet you'd wave them off. So you shouldn't treat your stepchild any differently. Kids can sense things... and it sounds like you almost resent the fact that your partner has a child.

shinepud · 03/07/2023 09:37

Everyone in normal jobs is being a bit harsh – I would understand someone wanting a lie in after a very physical 11 hour shift, which is hell on earth! My toenails have fallen off after my long shifts before, that's how bad it gets.

Only thing is would OP also treat own DD in same way? Not that she has to, "no" is a valid answer, but I guess an honest answer clarifies the discussion boundaries.

mainbrochus · 03/07/2023 09:38

OP.

you are not being unreasonable.

either your DH gets SS up eariler and does it all.

or

he gives up his weekend lies ins so you have the lie in at the weekend and you do get up with SS.

the DH is the unreasonable one here.

MaggyNoodles · 03/07/2023 09:48

Poor kids

Booklover75 · 03/07/2023 09:48

It's not essential to wave off a 11 year old but it's nice. I often work till 11 as a freelancer from home but still up to do school run every day. My oldest starts secondary September which would mean getting up a half hour earlier. He asked me the other day if I'd still be getting up with him and was so pleased when I said yes. Even if at this age they are on their phone half the time I think they do appreciate the little things like a cup of tea made, a reminder of PE kit and a hug and a kiss goodbye. I strongly agree about weekend lie ins though. We take it in turns in our house.

PhantomUnicorn · 03/07/2023 09:59

course you're NBU OP!

your DH needs to get stuffed with coming in to wake you up :/

When my ExH worked lates, he rolled in at 10.30pm, and was rarely in bed before 2, i wouldn't have dreamed of waking him up in the morning.. he usually got up just after i got back from school run a 9.

The only thing i'm a bit 'hmm' about is that SS is home alone the weeks you're on earlies and DH leaves at 7.30. Is there not a breakfast club SS can go to rather than leaving him in the house alone?

kingtamponthefurred · 03/07/2023 10:05

Ignore advice from anyone who has never worked shifts. They have no idea. Sleep needs to take priority over most things, including someone else's children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2023 10:06

You’ll get loads of posters on here OP telling you you absolutely should Martyr yourself as a woman getting into a relationship with a man with kids.
just ignore them

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2023 10:28

Poppyfun1 · 03/07/2023 09:06

I would. I would also be up to make breakfast and a quick chat on how they are feeling etc. children deserve this at least!

Do people realise that not everybody's kids are anxious about school and need to talk about "how they're feeling" every morning?

That was just an exam day kind of thing for me, most days were just the daily grind. The whole family were like ships in the night every morning, we didn't need these comforting chats.

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 10:29

@LadyDane

I think it's a shame that you've been jumped on as much as you have - no matter what you say people are biting you and snapping at you for it ...

But I do have to agree that if you've got involved with another man (with children,) and you're living with the man (and the children live with you both,) then yeah you do have to treat them like you treat your own.

I was actually on your side to start with, and thinking well no you shouldn't always have to get up in morning when you've been on a late shift but then I read this from you

I wish I had a lie in every day! It's not every day, it's 3 days max when I'm on lates, every other week.

You literally only do it this often (3 days every other week!,) and yet you can't be bothered ... To get up with an 11 year old boy to do his breakfast, and see him off to school 3 days in every 2 week period? Would it kill you? I don't want to jump on you and make you feel rotten, because plenty of people have already done that on here, but I do think you are being unreasonable ...

Literally you have to do this three days every other week and you can't be bothered to do it.. It doesn't bode well does it and it doesn't show that you care for the boy very much ... if I was your partner I think I'd see it as a red flag.

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 10:33

shinepud · 03/07/2023 09:33

Having reread OP's post, I think there's some dripfeeding tbf - first few posts make it sound like husband does his best to prepare son every night, only thing is his/DD and son's schedule totally clash (eg son would have to wake up a significant amount of time earlier). And second post is quite "not my child, not my problem".

And then suddenly due to backlash, it becomes, the schedule works out perfectly and he just cbf with his own son. And in fact barely does any parenting. At all.

It's hard to ascertain what is the truth, but genuinely, if OP's husband is just a lazy arse, then fair play to OP. Then it's a husband/man issue, not a stepchild issue (and nothing wrong with it being a stepchild issue). But again, it's hard to tell because the earlier and later posts are quite contradictory.

Show quote history

I noticed this too. Lots of drip feeding and things not adding up. Also, despite what a few posters have said, the DH appears to be doing more than the OP - not less. And there is a sense of 'it's not my child' in the OP's posts.

Feralgremlin · 03/07/2023 10:49

YANBU!! You have three lie ins a fortnight, your DH has 4 lie ins a fortnight. You also have to be up and out of the house before 5am 3 days a fortnight, and he wants to take those three lie ins away from you so that you can say goodbye to DSS?! Even if we ignore the shift work you’d still NBU!!

please ignore all the sanctimonious posters on here who believe that your husband, and only your husband, is the one deserving of sleeping in. It doesn’t matter that other people work shifts and still manage to wave their darling children off on 6 minutes and 43 seconds of sleep. What matters here is that his sleep is a priority and yours isn’t, and that is completely unfair! If DH wants someone to wave off DSS in the morning then SS can wake up slightly earlier to enable that. I would be saying exactly the same thing if he was your bio son, before anyone comes for my throat!

Feralgremlin · 03/07/2023 10:53

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 10:29

@LadyDane

I think it's a shame that you've been jumped on as much as you have - no matter what you say people are biting you and snapping at you for it ...

But I do have to agree that if you've got involved with another man (with children,) and you're living with the man (and the children live with you both,) then yeah you do have to treat them like you treat your own.

I was actually on your side to start with, and thinking well no you shouldn't always have to get up in morning when you've been on a late shift but then I read this from you

I wish I had a lie in every day! It's not every day, it's 3 days max when I'm on lates, every other week.

You literally only do it this often (3 days every other week!,) and yet you can't be bothered ... To get up with an 11 year old boy to do his breakfast, and see him off to school 3 days in every 2 week period? Would it kill you? I don't want to jump on you and make you feel rotten, because plenty of people have already done that on here, but I do think you are being unreasonable ...

Literally you have to do this three days every other week and you can't be bothered to do it.. It doesn't bode well does it and it doesn't show that you care for the boy very much ... if I was your partner I think I'd see it as a red flag.

Oh bore off will you!

Those three days are her ONLY chance to sleep in! I don’t see you coming with this energy for her OH who sleeps in every single weekend?!?! That’s 4 days a fortnight where he is not getting up with his children.

In a fortnight she is up and out the house before 5 am on 3 days, she has 3 days where she would like to sleep in, every other day, including weekends, she is up with one or both of the children.

Mikimoto · 03/07/2023 10:53

Shhhh!
Don't send too many replies - it's only 11 a.m. and OP's phone might ping and wake her up...

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2023 11:05

Can't help but notice also that people are being this shitty and snide towards an adult doing gruelling late night shift work and telling her it should not be hard for her to wake up hours earlier than she needs to, yet the idea of a probably well rested 11 year old getting up half an hour earlier than he otherwise needed to to be waved off by his dad is cruel and unthinkable. Seems quite a silly double standard.

I absolutely hate the lack of compassion shown towards adults on here. I'd much rather my child have to make some compromises in childhood so the adults in their life do not have to bend themselves out of shape to ensure everything is absolutely perfect for them, than the alternative that is constantly touted as morally superior. One day they will be an adult too, and I would much prefer it if they were still considered worthy of compassion then.

Kattitude · 03/07/2023 11:06

11 isn't older, he's still a child and will need some supervision, he may not be 'your' child but he is part of your family, get up and see him off, you can always go back to bed once he's left.... I used to with my own children.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 03/07/2023 11:19

Can't help but notice also that people are being this shitty and snide towards an adult doing gruelling late night shift work

the OP said she's home at 10:30 - 11pm... Not sure you know what night shift actually means

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2023 11:21

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 03/07/2023 11:19

Can't help but notice also that people are being this shitty and snide towards an adult doing gruelling late night shift work

the OP said she's home at 10:30 - 11pm... Not sure you know what night shift actually means

This has been covered a thousand times on this thread, must I explain it too? I didn't mean that she is doing night shifts, I mean that she is doing late night, shift work. She is working late. Getting home around midnight is late compared to most people.

Lacucuracha · 03/07/2023 11:23

I wonder if the fact that DSS is a boy that is causing all these 'see him off', 'give him breakfast comments'.

As a 11yo girl I was allowed to be more independent and sort my own breakfast.

changeyerheadworzel · 03/07/2023 11:25

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2023 11:21

This has been covered a thousand times on this thread, must I explain it too? I didn't mean that she is doing night shifts, I mean that she is doing late night, shift work. She is working late. Getting home around midnight is late compared to most people.

Show quote history

She gets home at 10.30 not 12...she is in bed for 12. She is NOT getting home at midnight.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2023 11:25

She gets home at 10.30 not 12...she is in bed for 12. She is NOT getting home at midnight.

That makes no difference to my opinion that that is a late and tiring time to get home.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2023 11:28

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2023 11:05

Can't help but notice also that people are being this shitty and snide towards an adult doing gruelling late night shift work and telling her it should not be hard for her to wake up hours earlier than she needs to, yet the idea of a probably well rested 11 year old getting up half an hour earlier than he otherwise needed to to be waved off by his dad is cruel and unthinkable. Seems quite a silly double standard.

I absolutely hate the lack of compassion shown towards adults on here. I'd much rather my child have to make some compromises in childhood so the adults in their life do not have to bend themselves out of shape to ensure everything is absolutely perfect for them, than the alternative that is constantly touted as morally superior. One day they will be an adult too, and I would much prefer it if they were still considered worthy of compassion then.

This is so true!
Don’t see how ANYONE could argue with this!