To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

Remember that super sad who is so worried about the son he doesn’t acknowledge in the morning is quite happy to leave him to wake in an empty house and sort himself out of the OP is at work on those mornings. But he’s rather wake a shift worker up to face a go than to just interact with his son at 7am.

oh please, can you be any more dramatic 🙄

It has been said hundred of times, the dad could wake the child up earlier, but what's the point of that? He could interact, he'd just make the child more tired for selfish reason.

An empty house is one thing, but one adult who had at least 8 hours sleep but can't be bothered with her step-child, when most people would get up for at least 5 minutes, it's not something to be proud of. The OP is making it VERY clear the child is not her problem.

It has been said hundred of times, the dad could wake the child up earlier, but what's the point of that? He could interact, he'd just make the child more tired for selfish reason.

No, he'd rather make OP much more tired for selfish reasons instead!

Oh for goodness sake.
OP used to take the DSS to school so she hardly ignores him, and she's not getting "at least" 8 hrs sleep as needs to eat and wind down after shift.
Unless the DSS has some sort of physical issue, then getting him up at 7.30 when the DF leaves is hardly some cruel and unusual punishment. Also - unlike the OP - DSS can go to bed earlier if getting up at 7-7.30 is too much for him.

@TheWalrusdidbeseech

so the dad just makes OP more tired then instead?
his son could go to bed earlier if he wanted to so he felt less tired in the morning. Op does not have that option.
And technically this child isn’t op’s “problem” - she isn’t one of his parents.
the dad needs to be stepping up here, not OP just cos she’s a woman

And just as much "hysterical projection" (interestingly misogynistic word choice) from horrible people who see the word stepchild and immediately think worthless, irrelevant brat 🤷‍♀️.

horrible people who see the word stepchild and immediately think worthless, irrelevant brat

Of course we do 🙄

I agree with this, I think it's a bit mean, when you're in the house, to not get up with him.
What time do you get up at? Going to bed at midnight isn't late, 7 hours sleep is normal for most people

It has been said hundred of times, the dad could wake the child up earlier, but what's the point of that? He could interact, he'd just make the child more tired for selfish reason.

you don’t get to have your cake and eat it too. Either the child benefits from and requires some parental interaction before school or he doesn’t.

The father would be getting his son up at 7am (which is a totally normal time for an 11 year old to get up) to spend time with him and make him feel cared for and valued.

Or maybe he doesn’t need this interaction at all. In which case you’re just having a go the OP for not doing so but somehow making out it would be ridiculous for a father to share some toast with his son before he leaves for work.

Either way you’re going to claim the OP is ‘selfish’.

Someone upthread insisted the OP should kiss the boy goodbye. Which possibly indicates (as is so often the case) that so many of the horrified-at-evil-stepmothers type of posters simply don’t want to consider things from the child’s point of view (despite claiming to). It’s possible, if not likely, that he doesn’t want a kiss from his stepmother (not because she’s horrible, but because very often children do not want that from stepparents). In fact, he probably would rather see his dad before school and doesn’t want to be palmed off to his stepmum.

Why don't you get a lie in on one of the weekend days?

Your partner sounds like he's so used to getting more sleep than you that he's convinced himself it's fair and he's entitled to it.

I suggest staying asleep on Sunday mornings when you'd usually get up to give him his lie in and see what happens.

It's very clear, don't know why some handmaidens are missing it?

not sure why you think calling posters handmaidens is helping your ridiculous argument. If someone who would make a 5 or 10mn effort for any 10 year old, child or step-child, is a handmaiden to you, you have astonishingly low standards of parenting and terrible priorities.
Argue with your adult partner, don't punish the kid who is stuck in the middle.

People need to stop describing it as a "five minute effort". Unless you're the kind of person who could just go back to sleep, which many aren't, it's not a five minute effort, it's a several hour effort with long term effects.

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Seems like there's more going on here than this small matter. It would do you no harm to see that the child is well, has lunch and goes off knowing he's cared for (if not loved). Having been a step-parent to a young child I now have the joy of being part of his family now he's an adult with children. I can also call on him for help if I'm stuck. It'll be interesting to see the look on your face when one day your step-son doesn't invite you to a family gathering, or can't help you out, and says, "she's not my mom". You'll be much happier if you bring some love into the equation with your step-child.

It would do you no harm to see that the child is well, has lunch and goes off knowing he's cared for (if not loved)

Except the tiredness that has been discussed at length.

And OP certainly isn't being shown she is cared for by her DH who resents her having a rest but demands one himself every weekend.

not sure why you think calling posters handmaidens is helping your ridiculous argument.

Presumably because they are making all manner of excuses for the man while heaping all the blame and judgement on to the women. HTH.

Maybe all those who think the OP should get up and then go back to bed should set their own alarms an hour earlier and try it for themselves for 3 days in a row. I'm sure they will all feel tip-top and perfectly rested afterwards. I've read countless threads in the past to know that when a parent gets up early because their child has then by lunchtime the parent is moaning about how tired they are and that's without having done or have to do an 11 hour shift on top.

or maybe they are answering the OP, and have a different opinion than yours? Not EVERYTHING has to be the man's fault. Especially when it's the step-mother who decides to stay in bed, when the man is actually at work. HTH 😉

Just 3 days in a row? I take that.

As a full time working parent, getting up earlier than you'd want to take care of house/chores and children is just.. parenting 😂

So is staying up later than you'd want to finish work.

Only on MN do people work 9 to 5, have 2 people dealing with "bath time and bed time", are watching Netflix from 8pm and asleep by 10pm 😂😂

Only on MN do people work 9 to 5, have 2 people dealing with "bath time and bed time", are watching Netflix from 8pm and asleep by 10pm 😂😂

In my opinion, only on MN do people get no more than 6 hours sleep a night, never sleep in and consider everyone else must have "something seriously wrong with them".

you can't understand the difference between "something seriously wrong with them" and people having commitments and not the luxury to sleep 12 hours a night every night? I am sure you could if you tried.

There are enough people out and about from early morning to realise people having to be up early and bed late is not a urban legend.

you can't understand the difference between "something seriously wrong with them" and people having commitments and not the luxury to sleep 12 hours a night every night? I am sure you could if you tried.

I don't need to understand the difference - because this is what many posters have said. There must be something wrong with you if you're tired and want to sleep in in OPs situation.

There are enough people out and about from early morning to realise people having to be up early and bed late is not a urban legend.

Them being up early does not mean they happily come home very late and never sleep in. People seeking lie in's is also not an urban legend.

@Nobleorange

i could cope with possibly not being invited to every family gathering in the future. My sleep in the present means more to me.

😅 you’ve misread my comment but that’s ok it does look like it could be read that way.
I meant the kid seems to have everything covered all she needs to do is see him off so she’d be getting up to say bye. I couldn’t go back to sleep so that would be me up purely for a 5 minute nicety.
I mean maybe I’m seeing it from a place of 1) hating having to follow other peoples routines even as a kid 2)not actually ever having time to be aware of who’s around me in the morning before school cuz I woke up 10 minutes before the bus everyday 😂 and 3) never eating breakfast as part of a routine so not having that time of sitting on my own eating so to me this all seems a bit silly but I guess if the kid gets up and has loads of time alone at 11 it might feel a bit lonely?

OP have you asked the kid? I know he’s only 11 but maybe just say to him with his dad there “hey do you mind not having anyone in those mornings when I work late?”. You don’t seem like some evil stepmother that has had no involvement in his life or anything so I’m sure if he said he’d like someone there you’d make the sacrifice, but from what I’m seeing it’s the fact that your partner is the one saying you need to do it out of probably a little bit of guilt for not being there himself that’s rubbing you the wrong way a little.

Yes, they are answering the OP and have a different opinion than mine. An opinion I feel has sexist overtones hence why I understand why a pp used the word 'handmaiden'.