AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Screw her and your cousin too. Your aunt was very rude and you have nothing to apologise for.

If you stepped on your auntie’s toes, perhaps your auntie needs to pull her feet back into her own space and out of yours.

I’d recommend never apologising to someone for their offensive behavior.
Leave it be unless auntie contacts you. Then let her know that she crossed your personal boundaries and that you’ve nothing to apologise for. End of.
My guess is that this is not the first time auntie has been rude and intrusive.

Great response!

poor you, terrible, insensitive position for you aunt and cousin to take.

good luck!

ps I only have one child, light of my life!

Good for you for speaking out OP. Hopefully she won't mention it again now.

Your aunt and cousin sound awful.

It's not you who was responsible for anyone feeling uncomfortable, it was your aunt, you just responded to her tactlessly going on and on.

You did nothing wrong your aunt is BU in both badgering you about it and now making you the bad guy. I’m so sorry your longed for second baby hasn’t arrived yet and I hope you find peace with your family size.

I think you do need to send that reply to your cousin, and make sure you include the part about her calling you selfish, so it is clear she was actually being very rude to you and telling you off rather than just asking a tactless question!

I'd leave it and not say anything. If someone says something to you ask them why are they takng with you and they should speak to Aunt Wittering. If they persist say you were upset and perhaps she will think next time before she pokes her nose in.

I’d tell your cousin that it’s her mother she needs to send the text to. Her mother was the one making others uncomfortable. You simply answered. Maybe she’ll think before opening her gob to talk shit next time.

Family or not, your aunt is an arsehole.

perfect response, you did nothing wrong she was being rude and insensitive maybe in future she will just shut up

This! ^ Auntie pushed her nose in without consideration of your circumstances or feelings and however hurt she is now is nothing compared to your own heartache. She is the one who should be apologising!

you did nothing wrong. Your aunt needs to learn to hold her tongue. Its wrong on every level to hound people about getting married or having children and non of her business. I would say to your cousin that you would have said nothing if your aunt hadnt kept on badgering you and you were very upset but didnt complain, your aunt has nothing to complain about.

All you should be responding is that she made you feel uncomfortable first.

Beyond that, bollocks to her

I’m so sorry she made you feel like that and made you feel like you needed to explain your situation. I’ve struggled with infertility and it’s hard every time some asked when are you having a baby. Secondary infertility is quite common and not sure if you have had any treatment but if not there is help out there. I’ve had two beautiful boys through fertility treatments both nhs and private x x

NO! You’ve done nothing wrong other than speak the truth. Shame on them for making you second guess yourself.

I think the wording of the message you drafted is absolutely perfect. It was absolutely hideously intrusive, rude behaviour from her and she needs to learn from it.

This. The cheek, maybe she will mind her own business next time. Anyway, no problem with what you shared anyway.

YANBU this is not something that’s should be discussed.

This!!

Sorry @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea to hear your Aunt was so thoughtless. I absolutely hate this kind of busy body line of questioning. I had similar. I had just had a miscarriage at nearing 12 weeks, we had been trying for 8 months (I realise that isn't really that long compared to others, but I had started panicking it wouldn't happen). The excitement of that pregnancy, followed by the grief of loosing it was really hard. At a family get together my Aunt (who I only saw once a year) asked if me and my husband were planning to have kids. I tried to brush it off and said something like 'at some point'. She very pointedly said 'Don't leave it too long'. I was 34 at the time and already panicking that it wouldn't happen. I didn't respond and if I had I would have burst into tears. I kind of wish I had though, to teach her that that line of questioning is unacceptable. Funnily both her children are older than I was then, are single and without kids. There is a slightly bad part of me that internally smiles at this. And yes, I know IABU.

I am SO bloody sick of people assuming that everyone who wants to have a baby CAN effortlessly have a child. It is a damaging, offensive assumption that is just not supported by reality. Your aunt owes you an apology for being so thoughtless, and, unless your response was screeched in her face, then it was a perfectly good, measured response that you can be proud of.

Both of these. Had 2 back to back miscarriages and never managed to conceive after. Too old now. Really wanted a second, but lucky to have had the one. I’m quite blunt about it if people ask, as I find it hard to disseminate. You are not in the wrong here. Your Aunt should be properly mortified at herself for being so very intrusive and thick skinned!

Your cousin has no place saying anything and your auntie should be the one apologising to you. I had my first son with no issues and struggled to become pregnant again and everyone asking made it so painful - I hope like me that you will again go on to have more if you decide to but in the meantime everyone else needs to support you and keep their opinions to themselves xx

Having suffered fertility issues for years and finally being blessed with one DD & then never conceiving again, I would’ve blurred out the same as you did!
I would reply to cousin and say ‘your mum kept on and on asking and calling me selfish for only having one child… I feel it is me who is owed the apology because Aunt shouldn’t have kept questioning me on what she should have realised is a private matter! Then leave it there!

it really pisses me off when people say ‘when are you going to have a baby?… ‘don’t leave it too long’…. Are you having more?’ Etc….

I’ve kept IVF cycles secrete from family and friends, years of trying secret, it’s awful that people ask these questions with no consideration of why a couple might be childless or only have 1 !

Im older now but still get asked ‘oh did you only want one?’…. Sometimes I wish I had the nerve to say MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!! But actually an answer like yours normally shames them into thinking twice before inflicting similar questions onto others!!

Maybe you could actually reply ‘Well maybe in future Auntie X will be more considerate before quizzing people about why they haven’t had another baby yet!’

she should feel embarrassed ! Nosy cow!

You were not in the wrong. I used to gently say it wasn’t happening but now I say ‘I’ve had 7 miscarriages and I can’t have children!’ Blunt but it shuts them down. Last time was a man at work whilst I was holding a colleagues baby. ‘Ooh any babies on the horizon for you!’ So I said it and he said ‘oh I feel bad now!’ Yes and do you should. People should not push it as they never know the pain someone has gone through.

Well done to your mam! I think it’s great she messaged her sister and told her how inappropriate she’s been!
I hope
your aunt reflects on her behaviour and emails you a genuine heart felt apology.

if/when she apologises don’t say ‘it’s ok’ because it isn’t!!

instead say something like ‘thank you for apology, it’s very much appreciated.

and leave it there!