AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Well done to your mum!

Your mam sounds awesome.

She really is

Say you presume your aunt was feeling ashamed and guilty on the way home for asking intrusive questions that have been insensitive.

‘I don’t understand why aunty was upset, Samantha. She banged on for 20 minutes about how selfish we were for not having a sibling for Albert and wanting to know why we only had one. Well, she knows now. I hope she’s happy. I am hurt and embarrassed that I was put in a position where I felt obliged to share such private information, but there we are. At least everyone knows now and hopefully we won’t need to have that discussion again.’

Families eh. And why is your cousin interfering. If your auntie has something to say about what happened she should have the balls to say it to your face not by messenger. Some aunties think they are perfectly entitled to probe into personal matters that are none of their business. I'd prob reply to your cousin and say to her if your auntie has something to say she can say it to your face and you're not discussing it with her. Grrrr. How can other women be so bloody insensitive. And as if her saying it to you is going to convince you to have another child I mean wtf. She was nosy and inappropriate. I hope you get the opportunity to sag that to her face.

Good for your mother.

Your aunt is only upset because she knows she upset you and made herself look like a nosy, tactless, jerk. A person of integrity wouldn't have been so pushy in the first place but if they had they would have apologized and told you they wouldn't do it again to try and make amends to make you feel better. She, on the other hand, can't bring herself to apologize in the hopes of making things better for you, she can't even do one of those 'sorry if I hurt your feelings' type of non-apologies, instead she has to flip things to get you to apologize to her, and she gets her flying monkey to get you to do it.

I am really disgusted by your aunt and cousin.

you didn't make your relatives uncomfortable, your aunt did. well done for speaking up. I'm shocked anyone would now try and say you should apologise for this. it's pretty outrageous and your cousin (?) who sent the message sounds as bad as your aunt. your aunt should feel terrible and totally ashamed of her behaviour. i think your suggested message is too polite. you are clearly very patient and kind. i didn't expect fertility difficulties after ds but that happened and if anyone asks or makes comments i don't deliberately want to shame or embarrass them but i have absolutely no difficulty whatsoever pointing out that it's out of my hands and not through choice. my dad did helpfully tell me once that he didn't think I'd tried hard enough or i was giving up too easily, something like that. relatives with stupid 5opinions and rude mouths are not that uncommon it would seem. sending hugs.

Your aunt and cousin owe you a sincere apology, the aunt for publicly berating and lecturing you on something that was none of her business, out of your control, and wounding to you. Interesting that she did it when your dh wasn’t there to stand up for you. Very interesting. Her daughter, your cousin, owes you an apology for siding with the vicious busybody.

Your sil sounds very nice and supportive. You evidently have been supportive of her even though inside you’re hurting from your own circumstances. You have nothing to be sorry about and your db needs to keep his mouth shut.

Yes, well done your mother too.

I'd go for a variation on this but would point out that actually I was extremely distressed at her hectoring and expect that the family steer clear of such a sensitive topic in future because whatever discomfort any of them felt momentarily, it's nothing to how you were made to feel and that you're living with this every day.

I'm sorry they put you through this @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Good on your mum. What a star!

I wouldn't reply. Aunt was totally out of order. For whatever reason, its never anyone else's business about how many dc you have or why. It makes me really angry when people think its OK to comment on someone else's life like that. If your cousin still has a problem with it then she can do the decent thing and speak to you about it in person. It's cowardly by text. Your aunt is the one who made people feel uncomfortable.

Good on your mum, a very measured response.

Your mum is brilliant.

Your aunt and her daughter are surely unhinged?

Just read your latest post. Ace action by your mum. Hope its all sorted and your family get back to where it was with maybe a bit more consideration from those that weren't before.

This is perfect! And we'll done on your mom. Your Aunt knows she behaved like an ass and needs to own it not play the victim

Good for your Mum.

Auntie sounds like my MIL-expects everyone to tip toe around her but she expects to blunder about without consequences🙄

In all fairness, this was quite out of character for auntie. She's often blunt but not like this. She's never berated anyone like she did yesterday.

How on earth can you be offended by the truth of someone's unfortunate circumstances when your pushing and rubbing salt in the wound unwittingly? Haha I'd not text her and when meeting again never mention it. I don't give airtime to drama and insanity.

Even more reason to tell her she was out of order and so is your cousin. Needs to be told now before this becomes her norm

She got what she deserved. Maybe she won’t poke her nose in other people’s business again.

Unusual to see 99% YANBUs on here, @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea . You embarrassed your aunt - quite rightly! - and that felt uncomfortable for her. Far easier for her to be the “victim of your hostility” than question/examine her own behaviour. It’s an immature response that you’d expect from a child or a teenager. Your Mum sounds great! x

This says it all fot me.

You did nothing wrong. The aunt was rude, insensitive and deserved to feel "uncomfortable". After all, that was how she made YOU feel.

Your cousin is a lot of things I can’t say without having my post removed.

I would respond something like, “It was very unfortunate that your mother made everyone so uncomfortable by repeatedly bringing up my fertility. It was not an appropriate topic of discussion for a dinner table and I was very hurt to be berated about my fertility struggles in front of our family. I have no idea what she was thinking.”

But then I grew up with a master gaslighter and do not tolerate other people attempting to rewrite history so I may not be the best to judge.