AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Your mum is awesome. I hope your auntie apologises sincerely. And soon.

As @landbeforegrime said: you didn't make your relatives uncomfortable, your aunt did.
Good for your mum though! Hopefully when your aunt has got over being “miffed” she’ll admit to herself that she was wrong, very wrong.

@Ellie450 Yes, same here, it's a bit shiz isn't it.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea
I'm going to say it, but is your auntie of an age where something else might be happening if this is out of character? Dementia possibly, early stages of disinhibition?

She's late 50s and there's no history of that on that side of the family, so while certainly not impossible, I don't think that's the case.

She lost her mum earlier this year and they were very close. She doesn't normally drink wine either so I think she was tipsy and emotional.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea I would have done the same. So what if you made her uncomfortable? She shouldn't have been so persistent with her line of questioning and as your mum said "should have read the room".

Ok. She's younger than me, so. Having said that I no longer drink at all, which removes the possibility of me saying this sort of thing in my cups. She isn't going to learn if people just excuse her, and she gets her Flying Monkeys to defend her position.

Some people just don't get that this line of questioning is inappropriate.

I had multiple miscarriages before my son was born and then I was lucky enough to have a second child without any further difficulties.

My parents' friends popped in last weekend as they were in the area and she said, "It's so wonderful that you were able to have two children after everything you went through, did they ever find out what the problem was? Will you be having any more children?"

This is someone I have only seen a couple of times in the last decade and have certainly never discussed my fertility problems with, but my mum and her friends seem to think these topics are fair game for conversation.

I just answered her questions truthfully (no, they never found a reason, and no, we aren't planning to have any more children) because it doesn't sting anymore, but it's quite inappropriate to ask, really. And then my mum sent me a photo on WhatsApp of the new baby of her best friend from university's son, who I haven't seen for about 30 years, and told me that his wife had a terribly traumatic delivery with an episiotomy and failed attempt at forceps and then an emergency C-section so the poor thing has an abdominal wound AND a bashed up vagina, and I was just like, "Mum, I don't know this poor woman and neither do you. This is her private medical information and none of our business. Sarah shouldn't have shared these details with you and you shouldn't be sharing them with me."

I swear my mum and her friends just. Do. Not. Get. It.

Has either the aunt or the cousin apologised yet?

Your Aunt needs to mind her own bloody business she sounds like a proper busy body. Would she like it if you went on and on at her about something personal perhaps you ought to pester her about if she's organised her funeral yet what songs she wants etc.

This

Your fertility is your own business. She was in the wrong and you were pushed too far. Don’t think badly of yourself at all.

YANBU. They opened themselves up to such a comment by their insensitive unwanted remarks. If anyone should apologise it is them to you for putting you in that situation to begin with.

Your aunt is the one that made everyone uncomfortable, and most importantly made YOU uncomfortable and upset 😢

You've nothing to feel bad about. I wish people would learn to just NOT ask!

We have a son, soon to be 7. We always wanted 2 kids, but after 4 losses, we are still trying, but I'm realising I'm now 42 and it quite likely won't happen.

It's hard, I get it, you've don't nothing wrong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise 💖

How bloody dare she make out that you were the problem, OP! Your aunt was incredibly rude and SHE created an uncomfortable situation, not you. And how outrageous that your daughter texted you as if to say you were wrong! This really made my blood boil.

In many ways your cousin is worse.

At least you were more polite than my cousin. We had an a aunt that kept asking about children. She would not stop. My cousin finally told her: "to keep her nose out of her crotch". She never brought up the subject to any of us again.😃

She should have minded her own business, I hate people who pester about people having kids.

You did nothing wrong. Aunty is a busybody that needs to learn some manners.

OP I haven’t read all the responses but I have read all of your posts - apologies if this has been said before.

Firstly - don’t say anything, your mother has made it clear and you have done NOTHING wrong.

secondly, and frankly at this stage MORE importantly - DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES for this woman. Just because you are hurt or grieving you don’t make other people feel like shit. And if she’d been drinking she should have apologised to you anyway! She is wrong and rude and I suspect you will look back and think of other times she’s been an utter bitch.

For goodness sake, don’t you take any of the blame for her attitude or give her any leeway. She was wrong and it’s time for her to admit it.

I wish you all the very best with your fertility, you are going through enough without taking on other peoples issues. Your DB was on the wrong and the other women in you direct family are well aware of this. How you feel
about someone wronging your child is how your mother feels currently. It’s no longer your burden, it’s been shared.

Your aunt, is tactless, rude and completely lacking in empathy. Don't apologise to her, she's a grade A cow, thankfully your mum sounds really nice. I can't stand all that "she's blunt!" well be blunt back tell your cousin "The only sorry I'm going to offer is to you, for having her for a mother, for God's sake try and advise your mother for her own sake to acquire some manners otherwise she'll go into old age being a nasty old woman, you can call her blunt if you like, I'll just call her damn rude"

Your Aunt was extremely rude and insensitive, YOU did nothing wrong. Maybe next time she'll think twice before opening her nosy mouth. Sending you hugs

Your Mum has dealt with your Aunt,
Your SIL has probably dealt with your DB (she sounds lovely)

I would let it lie or send the message to your cousin that you drafted if you feel you need to close it off with her.

Sounds like a crappy night. Family, can't live with them, can't shoot them!

Still no apologies forthcoming yet?

Did she not think how YOU may have been uncomfortable with her going on at the table im front of people? You didn’t nothing wrong and people need to mind their own business.
I have 1 child and I do feel guilty but I’ve received comments that it’s cruel which are really hurtful. I don’t think people understand the impact of these questions and comments x

Tell her that people shouldn't ask questions if they don't want the actual answers.

"Why haven't you given your DD a sibling?"
"Because we can't"

Literally just answering the (implied question)