To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

I think you should make your position clear, like you did when you asked him to clarify what he meant by the Muslim comment.
I think it’s generational and you just need to say those kind of comments are not acceptable anymore, give him a chance to correct his behaviour. I think it’s unfair to withdraw without explaining why.

There is never an excuse for racism but for someone of that age (like my late parents) they often simply cannot understand what is wrong with what they are saying. And it's not up to you to open his eyes to how wrong is attitude is. And I doubt very much if anything you said would make a difference as he's had -what - 80+ odd years - of these views.

In your shoes I would gently correct him every single time but not make it a hill to die on. And continue to keep an eye on him because he's elderly and vulnerable and alone and you can be the bigger person.

I wouldn’t correct him. I would if it it was my Dad or Grandad but he’s your neighbour, who are you to correct him? Just let it go, he’s old and out of touch with what’s acceptable nowadays. He doesn’t mean to offend. I imagine his carer is used to this ignorance from people his age and must have ways of dealing with it.

I wouldn’t personally. He’s vulnerable despite being ignorant in his views.
He’s probably lived there a long time, seen many changes, and he’s old. Cut him some slack OP.

Well I thought it was going to be a lot worse than that!

Good lord. He’s old and vulnerable and as unpleasant as it is, brought up in a generation where sadly these type of remarks wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow. A quick wave and avoid long conversations with him if possible. Trust me you could have neighbours who are a lot worse.

My lovely, not racist at all grandmother, became awful when she had vascular dementia. She would say the most horrible things, and she would have never even thought that at all in the past.

Would those saying cut him some slack be so generous if he was coming out with offensive sexist, and misogynistic remarks I wonder.🤔

Clutching at straws here but re his nurses, he may have genuinely struggle to understand some foreign accents in hospital. It can be harder as people get older (and poss harder of hearing) to decipher accents they're not used to. And tbf that general attitude can be a bit of a generational thing. I have had to remind a (much younger) relative of mine that there are certain things that are offensive and no longer considered acceptable. Whereas 20/30 years ago people wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

I wouldn't go out of my way to do lots for him but I'd make polite chit chat if I saw him and if he asked me to put out his bins once a week, I'd probably do it. Lots of elderly people hold views like this...they were brought up in such a different time. Its wrong but you can't change it really

Well yes if they were as mild as his racist comments.

I mean he could have said a lot lot worse. I'd leave it saying we'll I don't hold being Muslim against him is him saying I'm not racist and if he's talking about the war he must be near 90!

Agreed

I thought you were going to say he said something a lot worse.
Going only from my own experience, so not an excuse. Could be onset dementia. My father was a gentleman through and through and was highly critical of anybody that spoke derogatory or offensively. But slowly we noticed that he he was making sexist and racial remarks that was so unlike him him it was sad and shocking.
We spent a lot of time apologising to care staff but they all said don't worry it's not him talking it's the dementia, they didn't take it personally.

Thinking about this even if his comments were racist, sexist, misogynistic I would still check in on a 90 year old man living alone and make sure he was ok, it doesn’t make me a better or bigger person for not helping him, far from it.

Will totally ignoring him achieve anything, apart from meaning that you personally never have to hear such comments from him again? It's very unlikely to change him in any way because he won't even know or understand that he has done anything wrong. It will just make him more lonely and isolated.

On the other hand, if every conversation with him makes your blood boil, then yes, perhaps best to ignore him for the sake of your own mental health.

You are almost certainly wasting your time trying to correct someone at his stage of their life.

So, you can totally refuse to converse with him, or you could just ignore any racist comments he makes. The choice is yours.

Yes probably. If he said oh his carer is just a girl and organised his <whatever > I would inwardly tut and move on.

Interesting. Because obviously this person may not have had children, but plenty of other men do. These views, and the harm that they cause do not exist in a vacuum. So even what you may term 'mild' is still harmful to others. Do you think that the man's muslim carer would think the same, by any chance? No need to answer, just something to maybe think about.

I can see PPs’ POV in that what he said about the career wasn’t terrible, and almost sounds like a reformed racist! I find this kind of thing hard to handle though:
”They won’t let English people become nurses anymore”
What on earth. Who does he think is stopping English people becoming nurses? It would make me wonder what other nonsense he believes. It’s all a bit “they come over ere and take are jobs” and being old doesn’t excuse that.
When we say that his kind of outlook was more “normal” when he was a younger man, what that really means is that these views were tolerated more (but definitely not liked by many people), people weren’t pulled up on it so much and the social and legal frameworks are now very different.
People are capable of learning, and changing their views through that learning, throughout their lives, even into old age.

These remarks are in no way a justification for ignoring an elderly neighbour. You could easily say 'we're lucky that nurses want to come here & help the NHS' or whatever. It's not hard to gently put your own thoughts forward. No doubt we'll all say things that raise younger people's eyebrows when we're older and out of the loop.

I bet his Muslim carer has come across these comments time and time again from this generation, yet he still has chosen a career caring for them, he doesn’t choose to refuse to care for someone because of outdated views.

I agree, I’d probably want to look out for his welfare. But I wouldn’t want to have conversations with him.

Op I was born in the 70s early on. People used to talk way different back then as standard.Be it through ignorance or jest it was like that. I am not excusing it but it is a generational thing. My children would not dream of saying anything like that. I have to admit once or twice I have used a reference I was always familiar with and they have been horrified at me and I honestly never meant it to be offensive. My guess is this man is the same. It was a different world back then,not suggesting its right but it was.

Can't believe the amount of people telling you to cut him some slack. Are you seriously suggesting that a Indian nurse should just listen to racist bullshit all day because poor confused old people. Call it out or things will never change, age is no excuse.