To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

While that's all true, it also depends on your social circles and what.media you're consuming. I think sometimes people can just get left behind by social change and fail to grasp or engage with what they perceive to be PC nonsense.

Some people deserve to be alone

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

Well I'd gave told him that it's simply not true that "they won't let English people become nurses", it's because English people don't want to be nurses so we have to recruit people from overseas so that there will be nurses to treat him!

He's very old and this country is a vastly different place from his youth, but rather than cold-shoulder him just put your case calmly and concisely.

Of course if he says something really offensive then tell him you are offended and walk away.

It is hardly racist bullshit though, is it. And why is the Indian nurse (or even the OP) "listening to racist bullshit all day"? The OP has known the neighbour for a year or so, and these are the only remarks made that can be called racist. In amongst long conversations about his life, his job, his wife, the war etc etc. It is not like he is shouting them over the fence randomly.

Well they didn't say the nurse was indian that is an assumption and probably unlikely considering they are Muslim.and op doesn't know if he said it to the carer either., an old man was relaying a story to a neighbour the neighbour can continue to talk to their neighbour or not, what should have the op said ?

I'm not fully white and so just from experience, as a kid that's transcended into adulthood, when these remarks start I tense up and prepare myself for something to be said that's going to really upset me (not that his remarks haven't already).

Im avoiding because of that reason. It's like knowing you're going to get punched in the face really hard at some point but you don't know when.

And also tbh I see him in a different light now. I'm not saying I wouldn't help him if he needed it, or would actually ignore him if he spoke to me. More like not going out of my way or putting as much effort in.

I wouldn’t correct him. He’s old & his generation thought it was acceptable.

My grandad was terrible for this & I never corrected him, at 96 It would’ve been futile.

Just say to Neighbour " I really dislike racist comments like that. ". Then disengage, walk away.

Are you seriously suggesting that a Indian nurse should just listen to racist bullshit all day because poor confused old people.

Nurses are professionals and will be able to deal with confused elderly people - it's very patronising to think otherwise.

"Are you seriously suggesting that a Indian nurse should just listen to racist bullshit all day because poor confused old people."

Nurses are professionals and will be able to deal with confused elderly people - it's very patronising to think otherwise.

I hear you OP. That is why I am not surprised by some of these posts. They are just typical of people who have never had to put up with hurtful racist remarks. If they did they would not be so cavalier in their responses.

Oh dear, poor old chap. When he was your age no one would probably have regarded anything he’s said as in any way offensive. He’s the product of his time and far too old to learn new social rules. He doesn’t sound like a racist to me, he doesn’t hold his carer’s faith against him. Perhaps the only knowledge of Muslims he’s had up until now has been reports of terrorist offences.
You seem to have really taken to him when you moved in and he must have been delighted to have such lovely new neighbours. He is old, old people can often be quite tactless. Can you find it in your heart to accept him despite his imperfections? Who of us is perfect? He seems so alone in the world and a change in your attitude towards him must be painful and impossible for him to understand.
I bet if you took around a cake and made you both a cup of tea and spoke to him gently about how you have felt when he said certain things that it would clear the air and reset but if he did go all Alf Garnet on you, you’d know you had tried. I really hope you’ve got a big enough heart to give it a go.

It may be worth baring in mind that he could have a condition that comes with elderly age such as Alzheimer's or Dementia. Both of my Grandmothers were absolutely not racist but after they were both diagnosed with Dementia I was horrified at some of the things that came out of their mouths. It was explained to us (by a medical professional) that this is, unfortunately, extremely common.

If he has neither of those then I have no suggestions other than to distance yourself.

I give the elderly a pass. They were brought up racist. The same way they can’t use technology they can’t accept when they are veing racist. He probably thought he was being “nice” to the carer not holding his religion against him.

A breezy comment or just ignore.

I forget about the nurse thing.
elderly people are frequently a bit hard of hearing and it must be so distressing to be in hospital with no visitors and unable to understand what people are saying. Again I don’t think his remark is meant in a racist way.

The old gentleman is a product of his generation. He holds views which were widely held in his day. We know better now, and have the benefit of knowledge of current mores.
The world has moved on and he has not.
He hasn’t had the advantage of children and grandchildren who would have helped him move with the times.
One day you will be elderly- I hope that you will not come a cropper with this sort of cultural shift, in a world that you have not been able to keep abreast of.

I think the carer will be completely used to these comments and will have compassion still. He's a vulnerable old man. I say this as a Muslim with lots of non-Muslim relatives and in-laws, I've heard a lot worse than this tbh from some of them.

So that's what you should tell him!

"You know, I've had people be really racist to me over the years. They often say things like that at first. It makes me anxious."

I think you are understandably sensitive about it, and he may be simply stating how hard it is to follow accents when you are older and in hospital.

MiL has just come out and complained about how the nurses were so very kind but she couldn't understand what they said to her.

You could try correcting him, tell him it’s unacceptable etc and see if he changes.

In my experience, racist people don’t change, so now I don’t bother and I cut them off instead.

I’m not surprised the racist apologists and the minimisers have turned up on this thread. Same thing every time. I know plenty of older people that manage not to be racist so this generational excuse is just rubbish. My in-laws and parents are racist, it’s amazing how they’ve kept up with other changes but they just can’t manage this one. 🙄

Can’t really get het up about that really. My Dad comes out with some mad things that he is just repeating verbatim, without any critical engagement, that he has read on some right wing website like the DM.

If your neighbour says something inaccurate like that, that’s when you reply and say “almost, Mr Neighbour - English students want to study nursing but the problem is that the government won’t fund nursing students here. Isn’t that terrible? They expect them to go into at least 40k of debt to train, so now they have to hire nurses from overseas. What do you think? Should you have to pay fees to study nursing?”

You will get a lot further by engaging, surely? Not by hiding in your house.

I am ethnically Indian. I have had very similar things actually when supporting elderly neighbours. its not great but in my culture the elderly are due respect and therefore we just smile and with it. Perhaps mildly correcting. My neighbour was lovely but often used the P word to describe us or described us as coloured.

Why should anyone have to learn to accept it, why is that acceptable but expecting an old man to keep his opinions to himself isn't. I'll be sure to let my black little brother know that if he ever wants to become a doctor that he needs to learn how to professionally ignore racism!
It's really not that hard a conversation.. Grandad that's a disgusting thing to say and if you don't stop your going to end up with no one. I'm sure they'll be all hurt but oh well!

Describing a person as Muslim (if they are Muslim) is not a bad thing - it shows he's had enough conversations to get to know him a bit. If he were saying something like "all Muslims do xxx/are xxx", then that would be racist.

Saying "he's Muslim, but I don't hold that against him" is an old person actively and deliberately trying not to be racist because he is aware that there are people who would (and do) hold someone's religion/ethnicity against them. He described his carer as very good and helpful, not with any unkind words or generalisations.

It might be clumsy and not very woke, but based on the details in your post alone, I don't think I would personally withdraw from a neighbour you have otherwise got on well with for years.