To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

I was chatting to a dad in his 70s recently. He is, by his own admission, a 'bit of a racist.'

He said he had been visiting his son and every single time he said something racist his son pulled him up. I'm sure it was tiresome for his son, but I could tell that he'd taken some of it in and it had made a difference.

I decided after that to do the same - not let the comments slide, but challenge them every single time. It works.

The thing is, though, that although that man might be slightly more careful now in what he says to his son, his actual thoughts will not have changed one bit and he will not have become any less 'racist'. I bet he has plenty of friends and acquaintances who think and talk like he does, and that their certainty that the son's attitude and what they probably refer to as 'political correctness gone mad is absolutely crazy, is just as strong as your or anyone else's certainty that it isn't.

I have a close elderly relative who, when she said I disapproved of something she said, which could have either been racist or homophobic, or both, gave me a lecture about how the world has gone mad, and assured me that her way of thinking (which is probably similar to that man's) is still very much the norm amongst the people she knows.What's more, I believe her, even though they are all very 'nice' people as long as you keep off such topics.

In other words,

... when I disapproved of something racist she said ...

Oldnproud I know what you are saying but this man had been brought up in a racist environment in a small country town in Australia, lived his whole life saying what he wanted, and probably not been challenged that much.

That has been the norm - to let things slide for the sake of peace.

But he was genuinely challenged by his son and I do think if enough people do that, over time, it will contribute to racists thinking a little more deeply about their ignorant, knee-jerk beliefs. I could see that it had got to him, perhaps because it was his son and he respected him, perhaps because his son didn't let it go. It got through.

Having said that yes there are always going to be people who are stuck in those beliefs. But you can't write them all off.

OP I can completely understand your desire not to be around someone who is racist, I do not think age or circumstance allows for racism myself but am not surprised some think we should have to listen to it just because someone is old or whatever other reason people think up to minimise it. It's actually painful to listen to racism and I do not think anything obliges you to listen to it or be around someone that has subjected you to it. I would not give another thought to any feelings of guilt or whatever and simply avoid him as much as you can. That's what I did to my racist grandmother. I have zero guilt about it.

Did you tell him his comment about not letting English people be nurses is nonsense? Where on earth did he get that idea. My SiL teaches student nurses and they are struggling to recruit, the problem is people don't want to become nurses!

YABU. We all grow old if we are lucky, and most of us will still hold some views which will then be considered unreasonable. It would be awful to ignore him - the more mature thing would be to challenge him if he says something which upsets you.

I agree with @Iwantmyoldnameback . I’ve heard elders speak about mildly sexist points eg it being best for women to raise their children and not go out to work. Just roll your eyes to yourself and just change the subject. You aren’t going to win the hearts and minds of someone who is frail and at the end of their life. You aren’t going to give this old man a “come to Jesus moment “ and make him see the error of his ways. So making a big fuss won’t be worth your breath. On the bright side those sorts of views and opinions will start to fade out along with the older generation as they die. There will always be racists, sexists and people with opinions we find unacceptable but from a generational point of view in another twenty or so years the old people who were brought up in the culture of not regarding everyone as equal will likely no longer be with us. They were raised to be more clannish, tribal and suspicious of anyone who was seen as different. Terrible?- yes absolutely. But you are not going to change him now

TBH it doesn’t really matter what people think privately. Thoughts don’t hurt other people, and everyone is free to think what they want. But if they know that expressing those thoughts is frowned upon and so temper their language…well, that’s fewer racist microaggressions or less hate speech in the world, so fewer POC having a really shitty day because of someone’s thoughtlessness or worse.

You have to remember that he was brought up in a very different world, his comment about his career he would not understand that is was wrong and the situation with strong accents in hospitals can be an issue for those with poor hearing, not about race, more about struggling to understand - again in a younger person I'd call them out but if you are in hospital, elderly you can understand them wanting to be understand their nurses

He didn't say that though. He claimed that English people aren't allowed to be nurses any more and that the nurses he saw didn't speak a word of English.

Very different to struggling to understand strong accents.

Why are people still going on like this man was born in 1809 and doesn't know any better? He would have been 50 in 2002!
Stop making excuses for these people, if your not going to stop talking to him you most definitely should pull him up on his comments. I've said further down but my mil is the same. Tried explaining to her multiple times that it's not ok, she couldn't give a shit because she is what she is.. a racist old bag that me and my children for that matter have no interest in listening to.
She can wallow away in her own ignorance for the rest of her days for all I care, no guilt at all.

Why are people still going on like this man was born in 1809 and doesn't know any better? He would have been 50 in 2002! Exactly!

Sorry but ZERO slack for his generation. They were the ones who first hand were there when folks got off boats to completely rebuilt this smashed up country after the war! Live in a village full 80+ year olds and their views are nothing like his!!!

I love the people raging against racism but happy to call someone an “old bag”. At least try to have some consistency of principle. Do you actually believe in respect and tolerance or are you just using anti-racism as an opportunity to trash people and feel superior?

I'm anti racist because I'm not a clinical moron. And yes I do feel superior to a woman who couldn't give a shit about the feelings of anyone but herself.

But your choice of epithet is criticising her for her age not he racism?

I'll admit I find it annoying my oncology phone appointments are usually with a lady who has a very thick accent that I struggle to understand on the phone (I don't find it quite as hard in person, for some reason) because how am I to follow her advice if I can't understand her? Hopefully that doesn't make me racist.

Anyway, I would keep an eye on/chat to a very elderly neighbour with horrible views because he is vulnerable and probably quite lonely and I'd feel awful if something happened and I'd blanked the last wave he ever gave me, or he was lying on the floor for days and I'd not noticed he wasn't keeping to his routine.

I didn't mean that people in their 70s are very elderly. Honestly when I wrote my OP I didn't mean that he is very elderly in terms of age. I didn't think it was particularly relevant, until others posters kept mentioning his age and I felt like I had to confirm it. I was just using emotive language because that's how I genuinely felt about him.

When I met my neighbour I thought he was in his 90s and he is vulnerable, so I treated him as such. I took him for a medical appt where he stated his age to the receptionist and I have to admit I was shocked, but I didn't really think about it again. He was still my 'dear elderly neighbour' despite me now knowing his age. I would've bet money on him being his 90s, based on his stature, his frailness, his need for help, his mannerisms, the way he walks/talks.

He still required my help, my attention and his birth date didn't change that thinking. As I've mentioned in a previous post I felt the loss of his wife impacted him significantly so I felt sorry for him even more.

I didn't just think 'oh screw him he's only 70 he doesn't need my help'

I meant no harm by saying he is elderly. So I'm sorry if that's offended you and any others posters.

But his racist remarks have made me see him differently though. His age has nothing to do with that.

That's how I see it too.

@LadyKenya thank you and other like minded posters for your responses. I appreciate it.

My Dad was just like this. Born in 1923, he told us proudly that his school had a map of the Empire on every wall. Empire Day was celebrated with a day off.
Luckily your neighbour will learn by example not to worry so much about racist issues. However when their generation dies out hopefully racism will reduce. He lived his childhood in a time so remote from now…. Please don’t stop visiting, I’m sure it’s not his intention to cause offence.

Prince Philip made many a questionable comment. It's a generational thing. Personally couldn't get worked up about an older person making such comments.

Prince Philip was a) 30 years older than this man and b) often criticised for making racist remarks, so not sure your comparison stacks up here.