To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

When I describe my massage therapist to people, I've sometimes said things like "yeah she's lovely, Polish girl, she's really good", or when recommending my hairdresser "yeah Meg, Bulgarian girl, got a shop up on Laird Street".

When I lived I England and New Zealand for a brief stint, I was often referred to as the Scottish girl.

He mentioned that the carer is Muslim and then had to add the "not that I hold that against him" because he knows that people these days just love to jump to the worst conclusion and be offended.

That's not a helpful comment at all

Not scared and vulnerable enough to be racist hey..
Not as vulnerable and scared as these poor people trying to care for them but are subject to remarks and racist insults on a daily basis in a strangers home while trying to wipe their arse and help them wash.

Stop excusing the bullshit. Old people aren't dumb.

It would be nice if it wasn't happening but have some perspective. We will all hold views when we're old that young people will find offensive.

Elizabeth Gaskell wrote Sylvia's Lovers in 1859. In it she writes about the attitudes people held in the 1790s and how they are offensive to people in 1859.

"Will our descendants have a wonder about us, such as we have about the inconsistency of our forefathers, or a surprise at our blindness that we do not perceive that, holding such and such opinions, our course of action must be so and so, or that the logical consequence of particular opinions must be convictions which at present we hold in abhorrence?"

She goes on: "It is well for us that we live at the present time...". well one day you won't live in the present time OP and you too will be out of date. Nothing new under the sun with this.

In other words OP stop being sanctimonious about intergenerational differences, and stop being the holier-than-thou thought-police. So long as your neighbour is not being rude to his carer or hospital staff, is not using really offensive words, threatening anyone or demanding you agree with him it really is none of your business what he thinks.

I hate the 'oh they're old' excuse

My mother in law is a nightmare and says outrageous stuff - she is the same age as my Mum who is hosts refugees and goes on demos against racism

I call her out on it - but she just says that' 'they're different up here not like the ones you get in London' The kids call her out on it too which pleases me - 'Nanny you can't say that'

Am waiting for the day we have to have a conversation about DS being bisexual... but we're saving that till FIL dies (he is poorly and would literally stop talking to DS if he knew).

Anyway OP - just tell your neighbour 'no' every time they say something - or as I say to my FIL when he used to comment on the number of black faces in our area - 'yeah great isnt it?'

How do you know he is a racist. He said the nurses can't speak a word of English. Isn't he allowed to find that frustrating? Especially at his age when he is vulnerable and needs to hear what is being said.

I have to say this. I rang my mother's nursing home to book a visit. The Indian HCA answered the phone. He said repeatedly to me that my mother was not in that nursing home. I said that she was. I had visited her last week.

He said "no there is no woman of that name here". I had to argue with him for about twenty minutes. Despite me spelling the name to him several times, he had spelt it wrong on the system. Eventually he agreed that she was there.

I found it very frustrating. Every time I talk to this man about something , he tells me the wrong information, because his English is so poor , he can't understand what is going on. I think it's quite dangerous really when these people are working with old people.

Surely people should have to have a minimum level of English, to be able to work with vulnerable , old people.

Like if I went to Spain and I didn't speak a word of Spanish, would they hire me in a Spanish nursing home. Where I couldn't understand what the patient wanted? And I can't tell people about falls/injuries/ medications. It's dangerous and frustrating.

I agree with the man in the OP's post. These people should not be hired in a health care setting if they don't speak English to a competent level. It is dangerous otherwise

Does he even realise Muslim is a religion not a race?

i don’t think people said all elderly are racist? In every discussion there’s going to be exceptions.

I can't believe you think that some random neighbour should have the ability or responsibility to re-educate this elderly man whose views are not likely to influence anyone else's, and who probably doesn't have long left in the world.

You don't know much about the elderly.

If it was my mum ( and it was) I'd simply say I don't want to hear xyz and move on. It's not ok and of course you don't have to listen to it. But it does seem to be a generational view without meaning to be ageist. Some people's filter goes with very advanced age unfortunately that is part of mental decline for some.

This man building a good relationship with his Muslim carer will change his opinions much more than chit chat ever could.

He was afraid and judged people that were different from him and now that he is frail and vulnerable he is having to rely on and be vulnerable up close and personal with someone he would have seen as "other".

I don't think there is any need for you to try to educate him - I think life is doing that quite nicely on it's own.

What does it matter if things were different 50+ years ago when he was young? He was ALSO alive in the 90s, 2000s and 2010s as culture changed. Do the "it was different in his day" posters think people suddenly go from young to old? Humans' adaptability is one of our strengths.

I absolutely loathe the fucking phrase "be kind".

But I probably would for this. He sounds like my late FIL.

I do not think it is racist to want to be able to understand what the nurses are saying. It is vital that patients and their relatives know what is going on. If you are working in NHS in UK , you should speak clear English. If I wanted to be a doctor in France I should be able to speak French.

He sounds very of his generation.......I wouldn't necessarily think that means he's a bad person.

Also a lot of elderly people struggle with the language barrier that can come with being cared for by someone who struggle to speak the same language. Hell I'm not elderly but I raised a complaint recently because a relatives care home thought that it was acceptable to hire carers who are unable or refuse.to speak English when caring for their residents and will talk to each other in their own language above the residents head. It doesn't mean they're bad carers or bad people, but it does impact on the isolated and vulnerable people theyre caring for.

They do have to pass an English exam to practice. Obviously as English isn't they're first language it won't be as fluent as us. But English is the most spoken language in the world. This is partly why some immigrants choose to come to English speaking countries. They have more chance of getting a job. When I have had to stay with my daughter there has been Asian African doctors and nurses treating her. All have been able to communicate with us no problem at all. They are actually explain it better than the white British doctors and nurses. Her neuro doctor is Asian and she loves him. Always excited to see him makes her laugh. Some people are just determined to make anyone who is not white British feel like they shouldn't be here sadly.

That really annoyed me because you don't know what you're talking about.

My mother(75) is currently in a nursing home for a month, after she had a bad fall and shattered her elbow. She is injured and is very ill.

She has rang me in tears saying that she is afraid of these two male Indian health care assistants. She said if she asks for help , they ignore her.

She said that one day they came in to the room, and just lifted her up, and said that they were going to undress her. She told me she started crying and refused to have this done to her. She said that she asked for a female health care assistant to undress her. Which was eventually granted.

She said that if she asks these men for help, they don't understand what she is saying as they barely speak English. I think it is really awful that people who don't speak English are working with injured and vulnerable told people, who need to ask for help.

It is not always about racism. It is about feeling safe and cared for and respected. It is so dangerous when these people do not speak English.

If you are old and have a broken arm in a nursing home. Would you prefer to talk to the nurse who speaks English or the nurse who speaks no English? Would you feel scared around the person who speaks no English, and who just bursts into your room? Let's see how you feel when you are vulnerable.

Totally understandable that you find his racist comments upsetting. But I think it would be mean to just cut him off without an explanation, when you have been so kind and friendly to him previously. You should politely explain to him when he says something upsetting, and tell him why. How can he change his ways if no-one points out what he is saying is offensive. Give him one chance to improve his behaviour, hopefully he will be mortified that he has upset you. However if he says something again then I would absolutely take a step back.

Perfectly put.
My mother was a nurse. She lived to almost 99 and in her latter years would make comments such as ‘ these coloured nurses are wonderful , they work
so hard!’ We tried to tell her the current socially acceptable terms to use but she got confused and forgot. Should the nurses take offence? I believe not.

This may be the reason he’s alone. My parents and in-laws are also alone because people stopped putting up with the offensive shit they come out with.

My brother is what you might call middle aged. He's in a care home at the moment for various reasons, where a lot of the carers are of African or Asian origin. He needs a lot of medication and knows exactly what and how much as he has been on it for years for his condition, so he knows when he's been given the wrong dose of meds sometimes. When this has happened on a couple of occasions, he has been angry and used words I do not want him to use. I don't think he uses these words to the staff themselves, but will let it slip when he's talking to me when I visit him. I pull him on it every time, but he continues to do it. I get that he's upset at the mistake, but he wouldn't use derogatory words for the white staff, I know that.

My uncle is in his 70's is a bit like the man in the OP. But my other uncle and mum were the complete opposite. All three raised by the same parents. Our grandparents were never racist. So don't know where he gets it from.

Muslim is a religion not a race. Though most are Asian I know a few Muslims. One has been in Mecca for the last few weeks for the huge gathering there. But if you saw him dressed in his every day clothes working in his business you would never guess he's Muslim.

@Mooshamoo being scared because you can't communicate with carers is one thing I can empathise with of course. But being scared because the carers are black or Asian? No sorry. That makes you a racist. Like I said in a previous post. I am bi-racial (black Caribbean+ white) and I used to feel so fucking upset with family members excusing and sympathising with a white elderly family member because she was in hospital and had to be looked after by "scary black nurses" fuck off and care for yourself then.

I was in hospital recently and had to have lots of eye tests, done by nurses or technicians, I’m not sure. I don’t know if one was being trained by the other but they spoke in their own language throughout (about 45 minutes) beyond telling me to take a seat. They were smiley and lovely, but theses were important tests, and I was frightened. I’d love to have known more about what was happening.

Not that it matters, but I’m not white